Home Boundaries: The Leading Parent

You use intimidation to hold the line, "If you don’t listen, you just wait and see." You’ll hear, "because I said so" as a reason, usually with a raised voice.

Typically controlling parents will impose consequences. There’s zero negotiation, just telling, not talking. Often a spanking or a whack is the answer for everything. Immature motivations often drive it. The parent is worried about how it looks for the family. Sometimes comparisons are used, "your sister would never do this!"

Infinite rules are laid down -- a rule for every situation because there’s very little relationship and respect.

Finally, bad discipline for both styles results in isolation as family members disconnect from each other or form mini-alliances.

It needn’t be so. Christian discipline is Constructive: Child’s needs are central. It’s more consistent because the energy comes from principles, not feelings.

Calm thinking goes into the process as you are thinking problem solving, not punishment. Your basic posture is one of concern, because you’re asking, "What does this child need? What, really is best for her?"

It’s also corrective. You’re emphasis is on "How can we fix this attitude or behaviour." You may need to apply some pain, but only reluctantly. That’s where you get this statement, "It’s going to hurt me more than it will you."

Rather than intimidation, you hope to bring about meaningful consequences. They don’t need a spanking for not cleaning up their toys -- take some toys away for a time. Parents who "save" their children from the natural consequences of their behaviour are crippling them.

And if you haven’t done this up til today, and you start doing this, expect your children to throw a fit. You will at times feel like "the bad guy".

Good discipline will consult and communicate. As the child gets older, you will give them options, or even have them suggest a plan for improvement. You will let them know what your expectations are.

Your concern is not how their behaviour reflects on you, but on character development. You’re asking, "what is this child becoming?"

A caring relationship is the foundation for your life together. Rules are the fenceline, not the foundation. Finally, good discipline results in better connection. You can hug and hold your child as you work through the issue.

As an illustration of some of these things, I’ll call Thea up. What problem did you have when you were about in Grade 1? What happened that your parents found out about? What did you have to do to fix the problem? How did it feel? How did you feel toward your parents at the time? Now? What effect did it have on you?

I publicly want to thank my kids for tolerating some bad discipline and putting up with me. I see from the chart that I have sometimes been selfish in discipline, and that’s never Christian.

With God’s help, change is always possible. What’s your Response?

A Pick up a good book on parenting;

B Accept discipline from leaders/parents;

C Apologize and start again;

D Talk about discipline with my family;

E Find a Parenting Mentor

May you love God so much, that you will love nothing else too much; May you fear God enough, that you will fear nothing else at all. Rev Darrell Johnson.