Most of you remember rather well how you were disciplined, or how you weren’t. That will often shape the kind of parent you become.
When you get there, it can be really frustrating. As a parent you’re wondering, "Why won’t they listen to me. They’re disrespectful and I can’t get them to do the smallest of tasks. Why do they listen to the babysitter more than they do to me?"
In one classroom, it’s chaos, with everyone talking and basically doing what they want. Yet the same group moves to another class and there, they are relatively in order and civil. What’s the difference? The teacher.
If you’ve ever taught, or babysat, or been a counselor, or a parent, you know that discipline isn’t easy. What we’ll see today, is that thought it’s certainly not easy, it’s necessary, especially in a home.
There are three ways to learn something. One is from a good example. The other is from your own experience. The other is from someone else’s bad experience. So we’ll start with this:
DANGERS OF PERMISSIVE PARENTING
Let’s get some obvious things out in the open. David’s children were the result of several wives, so there are complicating factors. The closest thing we have to that around here may be a blended family. But just the same, you’ll recognize that what led to the breakdown in David’s family is also a factor in many of our homes today.
I’m going to tell this story knowing that there are young ears present. It’s found in 2 Sam 13. It’s ugly. In brief, Amnon became infatuated with his half-sister. He told lies and manipulated her to be alone with her. He made advances, she objected, but he violated her anyway. He hated her after that and sent her out where she grieved aloud.
The extent of David’s actions is found in 13:21. It says, he was angry -- and did nothing, Though he had been used, he sat there. Though his own daughter was abused by his own son, there were no consequences.
This royal family is not acting like nobility at all. It’s a scandal much bigger than even Charles and Camilla have produced. Here though, we see what permissive parenting often brings about.
Manipulation tactics. Everyone battles selfishness, but in a permissive home, children are unusually spoiled. To get their way, they will do just about anything. Amnon enticed Tamar into the room by pretending to be sick. He even used his father as the communication route.
In a permissive home, children will pretend to be sick so they don’t have to go to school. They will put on a big show and throw a temper tantrum so they don’t have to clean up their toys. They’ll say, "I’m thirsty so they don’t have to go to bed. Why? They know it works.
If you don’t respond, they’ll try to make you feel like you don’t care because they know very well that the thing you want most is to be liked.
Edward VIII, Duke of Windsor, once observed this about American families: "The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children".
You also get Sibling Warfare. It’s normal for brothers and sisters to fight. I have to laugh ever time I think of One chap I talked with said, "Sometimes me and my brother would just pound on each other and then we’d be friends."
In the permissive home, friendship is often difficult because every kid is battling for the upper hand. When they’re harmed by another, they want to equal the score because the parents won’t step in.
When they yell to each other, "I hate you," it’s real, tangible, and scary. 13:22 says Absalom "hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar."
The rule of force often prevails as in v 14. You do it because you can, and you doubt anyone stronger will do much about it. That, of course creates
Insecurity Permissive parents want to create a loving place, yet the opposite often happens. Why? Because the reality is that it is natural for people to want power, whether young or old. Bad use of power creates fear.
Children who don’t respect their parents often fear one another, because they know their siblings will use their power. The stronger one usually wins. In some cases the violence and abuse is extreme. Another result:
Shame & Depression - Tamar is the obvious victim. I think one of the saddest verses is 19 "Tamar put ashes on her head, tore the long-sleeved gown she had on, put her hands on her head, and went away crying."
The weakest members of a family need protection, plain and simple. Sometimes it’s a female, sometimes a male. Often it’s the youngest, sometimes it’s a middle child, occasionally the first born or even a parent.
Absalom, the full brother of Tamar told her to calm down -- he would look after. He did. He arranged for Amnon to be killed. With that he took off out of his father’s reach for three years. But David missed Absolom very much and wanted him back. So he invited him back home but never spoke directly with him. That shows a couple more things:
Silence. You don’t talk about things that are really important. Even though you suspect or even know that your child has crossed the line, you don’t have the courage to confront them. The result is finally
Alienation. Without boundaries in any relationship, you will have hurt, chaos, and finally separation. We all need safety and security in our relationships or we run from them. Strange, that the thing that permissive parents fear most often comes to past -- their children appreciate neither their parents nor their home.
PILLARS FOR BALANCED PARENTING
God has two great balancing characteristics. Without either of these, he would be incomplete.
The first is his Power. His power makes our existence possible. You also know he has the power to hold you accountable, and that you are weak in comparison. That helps you to respect Him.
Fortunately he is also a God of Love. He uses his power to benefit us. He shows his care for us in creation. He lived among us in Jesus, and he died to redeem us. He wants us to love him in return.
If something is berzerk at home, usually one of two things is out of whack. It’s either the level of Authority or the level of Affection. The basic needs of children are to feel safe, and to feel loved.
I can’t emphasize enough how much love is needed. That’s expressed in the time you spend, especially listening. It’s shown in words like "I love you and I’m glad you’re in the family." It’s expressed in the way you serve each other and with gifts.
David had the love pillar down pat. He loved others, even to the point where others misunderstood him. But it was hard for him to put his foot down with those close to him. In that way, he was off balance. I suspect he wanted to be a friend more than a parent.
This morning, we’re going to focus more on the authority side. David’s life raises the question, Why are we sometimes lax in applying authority? Sometimes we just run out of energy; the persistence of some kids can really wear you down. Other parents react to their parents who were strict and uncaring. They swing way to the other extreme.
As parents you will wear out unless you know why you are enforcing limits. You need to know how to do it with wisdom, or you may not think it’s worth the effort. Discipline is love as well: Proverbs 13:24 says, "If you love your children, you will correct them; if you don’t love them, you won’t correct them."
We’re told in Heb 12:6 "The Lord disciplines everyone he loves." He expects loving parents to do the same, to give adequate attention to your children. Prov 29:17 Discipline your children, and they will give you happiness and peace of mind."
Permissive parents fail to lead. Their kids are the boss. So how do you change that? You must learn how to lead, to make the basic
COMMITMENTS OF LEADING PARENTS
The first commitment is related to the love factor we talked about: "My home is a place where love is readily expressed."
Younger folks, you can also help your parents by your attitudes and commitments. Don’t expect your parents to do it all or they will become worn out. They need your help.
The next commitment you need to make as a family is this:
"My home is a place of emotional and physical safety." When my children were younger, I didn’t think in these terms as much. I think I would use fear because I could. Some of it was probably unnecessary.
Yelling is not leading. It creates an unsafe environment. In our society there’s no clear law against screaming oscenities at your kids, but you they might be taken away for a light tap on the butt. Go figure.
Screaming should be reserved for situations where your child is unsafe, like running out onto the road. Yelling to correct behaviour is a sign you’re frustrated with your inability to get your way.
This commitment says, that your home is a place where abusive behaviour is challenged. No one should bully, whether parent or child. If legal lines are crossed, call in the authorities. Period.
We’re a very imperfect family, but one rule we have is no name-calling. We aim for no put-downs, although a few do get by. For every bad thing you say about someone, you may be asked to say two good things that are meaningful.
A third commitment for parents who lead is this, "My home is a place where discipline is constructive." Never be afraid to discipline, but always be afraid to discipline badly.
So what is bad discipline? It’s self-centred. Eph 6:4 says, "Fathers, don’t make your children bitter about life. Instead, bring them up in Christian discipline and instruction."
So what is Christian discipline like? It’s centred on the needs of the other like it says in Heb 12:10 "God disciplines us for our good." It’s not because He needs it but because we need it.
Permissive parents are self-centred. They won’t push themselves to address real needs. If you love, you discipline. It’s not about you!
But bossy parents are also self-centered. We tend just to want things our way which is not necessarily the best way. Both extremes are subject to bad discipline. You want parents who lead their families lovingly.
The chart will help to explain what I mean... Destructive: Parent "I" needs: The "I" words show what self-centred discipline looks like. The biggest sign of a permissive parent is their inconsistent discipline. When it gets bad enough, they might do something, but the next day they let it go and ignore it. Children learn that with enough whining and complaining and tantrums they can get their way. The energy to do anything comes from feelings and because feelings are inconsisitent, so is the discipline.
Often, it’s impulsive. "You’re late, you’re grounded for a week." It’s often done out of irritation. You’re just ticked off at your kid for disobeying so you act. As you move to bossy parents, there’s often a desire to injure. You think in terms of punishing. You might want to hurt them for crossing your line. Your punishment feels more like getting even.
You use intimidation to hold the line, "If you don’t listen, you just wait and see." You’ll hear, "because I said so" as a reason, usually with a raised voice.
Typically controlling parents will impose consequences. There’s zero negotiation, just telling, not talking. Often a spanking or a whack is the answer for everything. Immature motivations often drive it. The parent is worried about how it looks for the family. Sometimes comparisons are used, "your sister would never do this!"
Infinite rules are laid down -- a rule for every situation because there’s very little relationship and respect.
Finally, bad discipline for both styles results in isolation as family members disconnect from each other or form mini-alliances.
It needn’t be so. Christian discipline is Constructive: Child’s needs are central. It’s more consistent because the energy comes from principles, not feelings.
Calm thinking goes into the process as you are thinking problem solving, not punishment. Your basic posture is one of concern, because you’re asking, "What does this child need? What, really is best for her?"
It’s also corrective. You’re emphasis is on "How can we fix this attitude or behaviour." You may need to apply some pain, but only reluctantly. That’s where you get this statement, "It’s going to hurt me more than it will you."
Rather than intimidation, you hope to bring about meaningful consequences. They don’t need a spanking for not cleaning up their toys -- take some toys away for a time. Parents who "save" their children from the natural consequences of their behaviour are crippling them.
And if you haven’t done this up til today, and you start doing this, expect your children to throw a fit. You will at times feel like "the bad guy".
Good discipline will consult and communicate. As the child gets older, you will give them options, or even have them suggest a plan for improvement. You will let them know what your expectations are.
Your concern is not how their behaviour reflects on you, but on character development. You’re asking, "what is this child becoming?"
A caring relationship is the foundation for your life together. Rules are the fenceline, not the foundation. Finally, good discipline results in better connection. You can hug and hold your child as you work through the issue.
As an illustration of some of these things, I’ll call Thea up. What problem did you have when you were about in Grade 1? What happened that your parents found out about? What did you have to do to fix the problem? How did it feel? How did you feel toward your parents at the time? Now? What effect did it have on you?
I publicly want to thank my kids for tolerating some bad discipline and putting up with me. I see from the chart that I have sometimes been selfish in discipline, and that’s never Christian.
With God’s help, change is always possible. What’s your Response?
A Pick up a good book on parenting;
B Accept discipline from leaders/parents;
C Apologize and start again;
D Talk about discipline with my family;
E Find a Parenting Mentor
May you love God so much, that you will love nothing else too much; May you fear God enough, that you will fear nothing else at all. Rev Darrell Johnson.
