In Sermon Illustrations: "Quotes" showing 241-260 of 2,032

Where I Used To Go To Church!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on May 4, 2022

A man was stranded on a deserted Pacific island for years. Finally, one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper’s attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After a while the sailor asks, ...read more

Tags: Worship, Strife, Division, Church Splits, Church, Humor  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Sleep In Heavenly Peas?? (Christmas Joke)

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 28, 2023

A little boy and girl were singing their favorite Christmas carol in church the Sunday before Christmas. The boy concluded singing "Silent Night" with the words, "Sleep in heavenly beans." " No," his sister corrected, "not ...read more

Scripture: Luke 2:1-14

Tags: Christmas, Birth Of Christ, Humor, Preaching, Pastors, Peace, Mistakes  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

When The Devil Showed Up At Church

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Oct 15, 2024

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon ...read more

Scripture: 1 Peter 5:7-9

Tags: Church, Satan, Devil, Spiritual Warfare, Temptation, Humor, Sermon Introductions  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Seven Wonders Of Grace

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 6, 2022

SEVEN WONDERS OF GRACE. Text - Galatians 2:20.  There are seven spiritual wonders in this marvelous text: 1. That the Son of God should love a persecutor like Saul. "Who loved me." 2. That the Son of God should be crucified. "Crucified with Christ." 3. That Christ ...read more

Scripture: Galatians 2:20

Tags: Christian Life, Discipleship, Death To Self, Faith, Grace  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Preaching Too Long

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Sep 24, 2019

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the ...read more

Scripture: Romans 1:8-17

Tags: Preaching, Time, Borring, Long Sermon

Denomination: Independent/Bible

Anti-Semitic Henry Ford

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Oct 3, 2022

It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile ...read more

Scripture: Matthew 5:38-48

Tags: Antisemitism, Joke, Introduction, Friendliness, Love  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Independent/Bible

When You Don't Have To Pray....

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Aug 12, 2019

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother' s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his ...read more

Scripture: Jeremiah 33:3

Tags: Prayer, Grandma, Grace At Meals

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Why Do We Say Merry Christmas But Happy Everything Else?

Contributed by Derrick Tuper on Dec 23, 2019

Why Do We Say “Merry Christmas” but “Happy” Everything Else? by, Meghan Jones. "The word "merry" isn't one we use very often during the months of January through November. But as soon as Thanksgiving passes, you're bound to start hearing and seeing it everywhere—on ...read more

Scripture: Job 21:12, Ecclesiastes 10:19, Isaiah 24:7, Luke 12:19

Tags: Christmas, Merry

Denomination: Christian/Church Of Christ

My Past, Present And Furture

Contributed by Martin Spoelstra on Jul 21, 2024

Harry A Ironside the great Bible teacher was riding on a train in Southern California one Saturday when a gypsy got on and sat beside him. "How do you do, gentleman," she said. "You like to have your fortune told? Cross my palm with a silver quarter, and I will give you your past, ...read more

Scripture: Romans 8:9-11, Ephesians 2:1-10

Tags: Present, Future, Past, Fortunes

Denomination: Presbyterian/Reformed

Jesus Is Watching You!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Aug 18, 2020

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his ...read more

Scripture: Matthew 5:1-12

Tags: Honesty, Jokes, Omnipresence Of God, Jesus Is Watching

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Adam & Eve's First Argument

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Feb 13, 2022

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to ...read more

Tags: Marriage, Adam, Suspicious, Jokes, Arguments, Eve  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Anti-Semitism Meets Its Match

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Nov 1, 2024

It was a sweltering August day when all three Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker, "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." ...read more

Scripture: Leviticus 23:4-8, 1 Corinthians 5:7, Romans 11:11-32

Tags: Israel, Hatred, Anti Semitism, Israel's Future

Denomination: Independent/Bible

Our Professor Has No Brain!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Feb 13, 2022

A college student was in a philosophy class, which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic: "Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in ...read more

Tags: Science, God, Atheists, Bible, Genesis, Evolution, Apologetics  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Just A Second!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Mar 5, 2023

A young man once asked God how long a million years was to Him. God replied, "A million years to me is just like a single second to you." The young man asked, "Then what is a million dollars like to you?" God replied, "A million dollars to me is just like a single penny ...read more

Scripture: 2 Peter 3:9-10

Tags: Clocks, Heaven, Eternity, Time, Time Management  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

It May Get Worse After You Leave!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 12, 2024

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone. ...read more

Scripture: 2 Timothy 4:1-4

Tags: Church, Preaching, Word Of God, Pastors, Church Members, Boring, Sermons, Preachers  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

8 Lies Addicted Gamblers Tell Themselves

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Oct 15, 2019

8 Lies Addictive Gamblers Tell Themselves 1. "One more trip to gamble won't hurt anything." 2. "I need to go gamble to see my friends." 3. "I'm a loser, so who cares if I gamble." 4. "I deserve to gamble, because I have had a hard week." 5. ...read more

Scripture: 2 Thessalonians 3:12

Tags: Excuses, Gambling, Work

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Christian In Name Only

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Apr 2, 2022

As a result of poor planning, a man needed some same-day dry cleaning before he left on a trip. He remembered one store with a huge sign, "One-Hour Dry Cleaners," on the other side of town, so he drove out of his way to drop off a suit. After filling out the tag, he told the clerk, ...read more

Tags: Deceived, Eternity, Truth, False Teachers, Lost, Unsaved  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

The Touch Of The Master's Hand

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 14, 2021

The Touch of the Masters Hand Twas battered and scarred, and the auctioneer thought it scarcely worth his while to waste much time on the old violin, but held it up with a smile; "What am I bidden, good folks," he cried, "Who'll start the bidding for me?" "A dollar, a ...read more

Scripture: Revelation 1:16-17

Tags: Salvation, New Creation In Christ, The Master, Anointing Of The Spirit

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

The Good Samaritan Is A Portrait Of Jesus

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Apr 2, 2022

The Good Samaritan bears the features of the Lord Jesus Christ who comes to seek and save the lost. (1). "He came where he was." Christ comes to us right where we are. In our stripped and wounded condition we could do nothing for ourselves (Ro 5:6). (2). "He had compassion on ...read more

Tags: Neighbor, Kindness, Good Deeds, Good Samaritan, Types Of Christ, Ministry  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Who Tore Down The Walls Of Jericho??

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Jan 4, 2021

A pastor entered a class as the lesson was in progress and asked, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" A lad answered, "Not me, sir." The pastor turned to the teacher and asked, "Is this the usual behavior in this class?" The teacher replied, "I believe ...read more

Scripture: 2 Timothy 3:16-17, 2 Timothy 4:1-3

Tags: Bible, Scripture, Jericho, Humor, Miracles, Unbelief, Ignorance Of Scripture  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational