In Sermon Illustrations: "Quotes"

Bad News And Worse News!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Dec 21, 2023

Doctor to patient: "I have bad news and worse news." Patient: "So let's have it." Doctor: "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." Patient: "I can't imagine what could be worse than ...read more

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 10:13, John 16:33

Tags: Tests, Trials, Problems, Faith, Tribulation, Difficulties, Bad News  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Things You Will Never Hear In Most Churches!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 20, 2022

THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR IN MOST CHURCHES! "Hey! It’s my turn to sit on the front pew!" "I was so excited, I never even noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes!" "Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf." "I volunteer to be the ...read more

Scripture: Philippians 2:14

Tags: Church, Complaining, Pastors, Laziness, Church Members, Gossip, Murmuring, Division  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Simple Solutions

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Jan 22, 2025

Not all problems are difficult to solve.. Morris went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got real trouble. Every time I get into bed, I get his weird feeling that there's somebody under it. I look under the bed, to check it out, but then I think there's somebody on ...read more

Scripture: 1 Timothy 4:1-13

Tags: Simple, Complex, Obvious, Sense, Solutions, Over Thinking, Complicating The Simple, Clear Thinking  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Independent/Bible

Super Bowl Sunday Joke!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Feb 6, 2023

Surprised to see an empty seat at the Super Bowl stadium, a diehard fan remarked about it to a woman sitting nearby. "It was my husband's," the woman explained, "But he died." "I'm very sorry," said the man. Then he continued. "Yet, I'm really ...read more

Scripture: Galatians 5:22-23

Tags: Death, Sports, Humor, Goodness, Kindness, Super Bowl, Football, Fruit Of The Spirit, Funerals, Widows  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Promoted

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Feb 4, 2020

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales ...read more

Tags: Family, Leadership, Success, Influence, Promotion, Moving Up, Nepotism  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Independent/Bible

The Fear Nots Of The Christmas Story

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 28, 2023

The "fear nots" used in the biblical narratives of the birth of Christ: The "fear not" of SALVATION: "And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings...which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a ...read more

Tags: Virgin Birth, Mary, Messiah, Christmas, Savior, Birth Of Christ  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Fight Like A Man

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Jul 13, 2023

A man came to his pastor who had attended church for 25 years and was a respected, leader in the church, said, "Pastor, I've got something to tell you. I've never told this to a soul, extremely difficult to tell you this now, but my wife and I have had a fight every day for the past 30 ...read more

Scripture: Ephesians 5:18-31

Tags: Cowards, Quarreling, Women, Anger, Conflict Management, Husbands, Fights, Wives, Love, Fear, Marriage, Men  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Preparing To Fall Into Temptation!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Jan 8, 2024

Some people fall into temptation, but a great many make plans for disaster ahead of time. "Son," ordered a father, "Don't swim in that canal." "OK, Dad," he answered. But he came home carrying a wet bathing suit that evening. "Where have you been?" ...read more

Scripture: James 1:10-15

Tags: Deceit, Spiritual Warfare, Temptation, Preparation, Lies, Disobedience, Defeat, Sin, Satan  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Where I Used To Go To Church!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on May 4, 2022

A man was stranded on a deserted Pacific island for years. Finally, one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper’s attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man. After a while the sailor asks, ...read more

Tags: Church, Worship, Humor, Strife, Division, Church Splits  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

When The Devil Showed Up At Church

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Oct 15, 2024

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon ...read more

Scripture: 1 Peter 5:7-9

Tags: Church, Satan, Devil, Spiritual Warfare, Temptation, Humor, Sermon Introductions  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Sleep In Heavenly Peas?? (Christmas Joke)

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 28, 2023

A little boy and girl were singing their favorite Christmas carol in church the Sunday before Christmas. The boy concluded singing "Silent Night" with the words, "Sleep in heavenly beans." " No," his sister corrected, "not ...read more

Scripture: Luke 2:1-14

Tags: Pastors, Birth Of Christ, Christmas, Peace, Preaching, Mistakes, Humor  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Seven Wonders Of Grace

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Nov 6, 2022

SEVEN WONDERS OF GRACE. Text - Galatians 2:20.  There are seven spiritual wonders in this marvelous text: 1. That the Son of God should love a persecutor like Saul. "Who loved me." 2. That the Son of God should be crucified. "Crucified with Christ." 3. That Christ ...read more

Scripture: Galatians 2:20

Tags: Faith, Grace, Discipleship, Christian Life, Death To Self  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Anti-Semitic Henry Ford

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Oct 3, 2022

It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile ...read more

Scripture: Matthew 5:38-48

Tags: Love, Introduction, Friendliness, Joke, Antisemitism  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Independent/Bible

Preaching Too Long

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Sep 24, 2019

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But," said the ...read more

Scripture: Romans 1:8-17

Tags: Preaching, Time, Borring, Long Sermon

Denomination: Independent/Bible

Why Do We Say Merry Christmas But Happy Everything Else?

Contributed by Derrick Tuper on Dec 23, 2019

Why Do We Say “Merry Christmas” but “Happy” Everything Else? by, Meghan Jones. "The word "merry" isn't one we use very often during the months of January through November. But as soon as Thanksgiving passes, you're bound to start hearing and seeing it everywhere—on ...read more

Scripture: Job 21:12, Ecclesiastes 10:19, Isaiah 24:7, Luke 12:19

Tags: Christmas, Merry

Denomination: Christian/Church Of Christ

When You Don't Have To Pray....

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Aug 12, 2019

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother' s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his ...read more

Scripture: Jeremiah 33:3

Tags: Prayer, Grandma, Grace At Meals

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Courageous Husband?

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Jan 22, 2025

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite ...read more

Scripture: Ephesians 5:22-33

Tags: Marriage, Compassion, Courage, Hurry, Double Standard  (view more)  (view less)

Denomination: Independent/Bible

My Past, Present And Future

Contributed by Martin Spoelstra on Jul 21, 2024

Harry A Ironside the great Bible teacher was riding on a train in Southern California one Saturday when a gypsy got on and sat beside him. "How do you do, gentleman," she said. "You like to have your fortune told? Cross my palm with a silver quarter, and I will give you your past, ...read more

Scripture: Romans 8:9-11, Ephesians 2:1-10

Tags: Present, Future, Past, Fortunes

Denomination: Presbyterian/Reformed

Jesus Is Watching You!

Contributed by Dr. Larry Petton on Aug 18, 2020

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his ...read more

Scripture: Matthew 5:1-12

Tags: Honesty, Jokes, Omnipresence Of God, Jesus Is Watching

Denomination: Evangelical/Non-Denominational

Children's Faith

Contributed by Ed Vasicek on Feb 11, 2025

"Children’s Letters to God" series, actual authentic letters written by kids to God: "Dear God, I read the Bible. What does ’begat’ mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison." "Dear God, did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?" - ...read more

Scripture: Mark 11:1-11, Matthew 18:3

Tags: Childlike Faith, Questions

Denomination: Independent/Bible