My Body, My Swat

Usually, I am not easily offended, nor do I easily lose my temper. I did lose my temper when I was six years old but have not been able to find it since. Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage is trying to find it but so far, she has not found it.

Many people are ticked off by some minor little thing it really does not amount to much.

For example, driving through a fast food drive-in, you will realize what getting ticked off is all about. The customer in front of me is so impatient, and the customer behind me is just as impatient. They want everything on their schedule.

Setting in the middle, I just relax because there is no way I can speed up the line so why try.

Very few things offend me, and I have found it to be a very good practice.

Don’t let this out, but the Gracious Mistress of the Parsonage can get ticked off very quickly, particularly with bugs, lizards, and stuff like that, not to mention snakes.

For some reason, she doesn’t like snakes, and when she sees one, even if it’s on TV, she responds in a very negative fashion.

Once when we were on vacation and stayed in a motel, a frog was under her pillow. I have lived that nightmare quite a few times. I didn’t know my wife could dance and sing at the same time. I didn’t recognize the song, but I enjoyed her rendition of it.

Not being easily ticked off, I enjoy when other people are ticked off, particularly by little things they have no control over.

Then the story backfired on me!

It was the season of the “Love Bugs” that happens every year. I always forget that it’s coming, but it comes every year. This past year seems to have been my worst experience.

It was love bugs, mosquitoes, and flies. I suppose they have a purpose in this world, but I have yet to discover what that purpose is. Their purpose is not well suited to me personally.

When morning came, I went outside to get into my vehicle to go to the church office; as soon as I stepped outside, a bunch of love bugs hit me. I don’t know what they see in me that they love so much, I wish they would drop it. I’m thinking of seeking a divorce.

Walking towards my vehicle, I was swatting left and right, up and down and every swat hit some kind of bug. I must confess that they were starting to bug me.

No matter where I went that day, there was some kind of bug following me and trying to snuggle up with me. Why do they have to be so loving?

All day long, I was swatting these bugs. The more I swatted, the more they seemed to come in my direction.

I was in Publix, and as I was walking down an aisle, a mosquito landed on my nose, and without thinking, I swatted it as hard as I could. Yeah, the mosquito was dead. Yeah, my nose was bleeding.

I heard several snickers behind me, and I was afraid to turn around. I got my hanky out and wiped my nose as good as I could. When I got to the counter to pay for my product, the cashier looked at me and smiled very heartily. I just stared back at him with a grimace that I hadn’t used for a long time.

I said to him very snarly, “It’s my body, my swat.”

I suppose I never learned a lesson, but I swatted my nose and my cheek and my chin several times that week. I guess it’s just a habit.

Once a fly flew into my mouth, and believe me, it was no Apple Fritter. I still have that nasty taste in my mouth.

Several days later, I was in Publix again, and the bugs were still in operational mode. Everywhere I went, there was some bug.

I swatted myself several times, and fortunately, there was no blood. But I did get a few bugs that will not be bugging me ever again.

Walking around the store, I tried avoiding the bugs as much as possible. When finished, I went to the cashier to pay for my products.

As I was standing there, all of a sudden, somebody slapped me on the back.

I turned around, looked, and a guy said, “I did you a favor. There was a bug crawling up your back, and I killed it for you.”

Looking at him, I said, “My body, my swat.”

Very soberly, I apologized, and I just laughed and said, “That’s okay. That’s one down and a zillion more to go.”

We both laughed a little, and I checked out and went to my car.

As I was driving home I happen to think of a verse in the Old Testament. “Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes” (Song of Solomon 2:15).

That got me thinking of those little bugs that were creating such havoc in my life. It’s the little things that you don’t think of at the time that do all the damage. My focus usually is on the “big” things in my life, which allows those “little” things to do most of the damage.