Testimony

5-11-01 Testimony for Friday night Celbrate Recovery group. Linda Hewett

Jesus loves me, this I know

For the Bible tells me so....

A great theologian (Karl Barth) was asked what he considered to be the most profound message of the Bible and that’s what he replied.

My giving a testimony was partly of my own volition - because I offered some time ago to give one here at CR, partly of Paul’s volition, but mostly of God. Cause to be honest with you, I wanted to back out - not because of fear of speaking in front of others - but because of the deep discouragement I’ve been feeling lately over things & events in my life.

BUT... My belief in God and that He (Jesus) does indeed love me has not wavered but has steadily grown to a strength that I never would have thought possible 1 year ago. I can honestly say now, that God has taken a very broken person - one who continually used to think about how much they wanted out of this world - and worked, at least what is to me, a miracle. God has been there - guiding, protecting, disciplining, and Loving - through all the pain - ‘growing pains’.

But it wasn’t until I got to the point that I said, "God, Father, Daddy!" "I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to live in this misery anymore. I’m going to drown without your help. I can’t do one single thing right or good without your help. I’m lost, ...please.... help me!" that my life began to change for the better. God has been working on me as HIS beloved child and changing me one day at a time. JUST FOR TODAY - MATT. :34 "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

To my thinking, it has taken God quite awhile to get me to this point and I have often asked. WHY!? Why, God, why! Our pastor and I were out to Tim Horton’s one afternoon about 3 years ago. We had butted heads over something - we do this regularly! And I THANK GOD so much for giving him strength & patience with me - even tho we still do often butt heads! Because if God had not given Keith the heart that is so much like Jesus’ that He did - I’m not too sure I’d be alive giving this testimony today.

Anyway, Keith and I were out to Tim Horton’s one afternoon about 3 years ago. I don’t remember much of the conversation except these words he said to me - they were — "You’re just one big raw walking wound.." When he said that - my skin bristled and I saw red - literally - in my mind I saw me - one big raw walking wound. It wasn’t too pretty of a picture and I was mad. All of my human defenses came boiling up. But he was right!

I was emotionally, physically, sexually & spiritually abused as a child. Physically beat with a coat hanger, emotionally constantly screamed & yelled at - ‘You’re stupid! You little no-good-for-nothing brat! Little snot!" When I cried - "Oh, ya whimp... Cry baby, cry baby, cry baby -put a diaper on her... Shut up or I’m going to give you something to cry about... " Slap

When, as a very small child, I often woke up in the middle of the night scared & screaming - I used to have horrendous nightmares -so much so that some of the neighbor kids that tried to sleep over with me related in later years - ‘We stayed all night with you one time and that was it! We said we aren’t staying all night with her anymore & that I would wake up and scream at the top of my lungs." What they couldn’t see was what I was seeing - demonic wolves & other things coming out of my closet - even when my mom would come in, turn on the light and say ‘Go to sleep, there’s nothing there." I still saw things that filled a small child’s head with terror.

Then the few times I did the nerve to climb out of my bed and go to my parents bedroom crying - the response I got from my dad was, "Get the hell outta here!" I remember that I was scared of the dark and being alone well into my teenage years.

Maybe due in part to the fact that I was sexually abused - without going into detail - by a number of people, including a drunk who was a ‘friend’ of the family. Maybe due in part to the fact that I was raped by half brother who was about 16 (now deceased) at about 6 and despite being a skinny, 6 year old.