5-11-01 Testimony for Friday night Celbrate Recovery group. Linda Hewett
Jesus loves me, this I know
For the Bible tells me so....
A great theologian (Karl Barth) was asked what he considered to be the most profound message of the Bible and that’s what he replied.
My giving a testimony was partly of my own volition - because I offered some time ago to give one here at CR, partly of Paul’s volition, but mostly of God. Cause to be honest with you, I wanted to back out - not because of fear of speaking in front of others - but because of the deep discouragement I’ve been feeling lately over things & events in my life.
BUT... My belief in God and that He (Jesus) does indeed love me has not wavered but has steadily grown to a strength that I never would have thought possible 1 year ago. I can honestly say now, that God has taken a very broken person - one who continually used to think about how much they wanted out of this world - and worked, at least what is to me, a miracle. God has been there - guiding, protecting, disciplining, and Loving - through all the pain - ‘growing pains’.
But it wasn’t until I got to the point that I said, "God, Father, Daddy!" "I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t continue to live in this misery anymore. I’m going to drown without your help. I can’t do one single thing right or good without your help. I’m lost, ...please.... help me!" that my life began to change for the better. God has been working on me as HIS beloved child and changing me one day at a time. JUST FOR TODAY - MATT. :34 "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
To my thinking, it has taken God quite awhile to get me to this point and I have often asked. WHY!? Why, God, why! Our pastor and I were out to Tim Horton’s one afternoon about 3 years ago. We had butted heads over something - we do this regularly! And I THANK GOD so much for giving him strength & patience with me - even tho we still do often butt heads! Because if God had not given Keith the heart that is so much like Jesus’ that He did - I’m not too sure I’d be alive giving this testimony today.
Anyway, Keith and I were out to Tim Horton’s one afternoon about 3 years ago. I don’t remember much of the conversation except these words he said to me - they were — "You’re just one big raw walking wound.." When he said that - my skin bristled and I saw red - literally - in my mind I saw me - one big raw walking wound. It wasn’t too pretty of a picture and I was mad. All of my human defenses came boiling up. But he was right!
I was emotionally, physically, sexually & spiritually abused as a child. Physically beat with a coat hanger, emotionally constantly screamed & yelled at - ‘You’re stupid! You little no-good-for-nothing brat! Little snot!" When I cried - "Oh, ya whimp... Cry baby, cry baby, cry baby -put a diaper on her... Shut up or I’m going to give you something to cry about... " Slap
When, as a very small child, I often woke up in the middle of the night scared & screaming - I used to have horrendous nightmares -so much so that some of the neighbor kids that tried to sleep over with me related in later years - ‘We stayed all night with you one time and that was it! We said we aren’t staying all night with her anymore & that I would wake up and scream at the top of my lungs." What they couldn’t see was what I was seeing - demonic wolves & other things coming out of my closet - even when my mom would come in, turn on the light and say ‘Go to sleep, there’s nothing there." I still saw things that filled a small child’s head with terror.
Then the few times I did the nerve to climb out of my bed and go to my parents bedroom crying - the response I got from my dad was, "Get the hell outta here!" I remember that I was scared of the dark and being alone well into my teenage years.
Maybe due in part to the fact that I was sexually abused - without going into detail - by a number of people, including a drunk who was a ‘friend’ of the family. Maybe due in part to the fact that I was raped by half brother who was about 16 (now deceased) at about 6 and despite being a skinny, 6 year old.
I cannot remember one single time in my childhood that either of my parents picked me up and rocked me or held me or told me a story. My mother did sing songs while doing household chores sometimes. She had & has a great love of singing. Singing to myself to this day is one way I soothe myself. I thank God so much for that grace.
I tried to commit suicide at age 15 - very nearly succeeding - and was remitted to the care of the county Children’s Home for several months after. I tried again at 21, overdosing on pills again, 1 year after my first husband committed suicide by putting a 357 magnum to his head & pulling the trigger & my first born child, a son, was one month old. Very nearly succeeding again - my blood pressure dropped to 60/40 - the ambulance was screaming through the streets - and I asked the paramedic in the back with me if I was indeed going to die. Tho, that’s what I wanted so badly, a little catch came in my heart. I was in intensive care for several days and in the hospital 2 weeks that time. My half brother committed suicide about 6 months after my husband. Then, my son, my first born child, the offspring of my first love, my beautiful son, committed suicide in June of 1997 at the tender age of 22 - 3 months after my having come to New Vision.
I was indeed one big walking wound!... But God has done a lot over those three or so years. Just a couple of months ago, that memory of the Tim Horton’s incident having been pretty well buried, came up again when I was going through a particularly difficult time. And God showed me that scene in Tim Horton’s -me one big walking raw red wound. You may not believe in visions but I do. Then He showed me - me as I am now. A person with new skin have grown over about 2/3 of my body. I still had raw areas - mostly on my head, neck & chest but even they were not the bright red raw but more pink & healing. And when I look back, I can hardly believe just how far God has brought me.
As I was typing this part of my testimony - just this morning - nothing like waiting to the last minute! - the thought that God had built the foundation first entered my mind and He’s continually working on the rest of me - I’m healing even more - taking one day at a time as God has instructed.
I don’t have a lot of 12 step experience. I do have a lot of life experience and seemed to always have been searching for a ‘meaning’ to life from a very young age. I thank God for small graces... My mother used to send us to vacation Bible school at the Salvation Army - we lived near it. I do believe, that my mother who had 7 children, did that in large part to get rid of us for awhile. And, having had 4 children myself, I don’t blame her! My father did not participate in any way to help her in our upbringing - even by holding down a job. But - it was at a Salvation Army Sunbeam camp (kinda like Girl Scouts) at the age of 8, that I first gave my life to Jesus.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that God revealed this to me. I had been wondering for a long time just exactly when I first came to ask Jesus into my life, and thinking and praying and then one morning I believe it was God who brought up this memory of the one and only camp I had ever went to (our family never, one single time, went on a vacation) and my cabin’s counselor - a young married lady -early 20’s - led me up front with her on Sunday where we knelt & prayed together. I remember I wanted desperately in my young heart to have what all these people around me were singing & rejoicing about. I didn’t understand it — I just knew I wanted it. That young camp counselor’s name was also remembered a couple of days later — her name was HOPE.
Now, you can think what you want - but I know that all this was not an accident - It was in God’s divine plan for me. Jer. 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
I don’t know if you personally identify with any of my testimony — but I really don’t think that matters so much as you identify and learn from this testimony & other’s testimonies that GOD LOVES YOU VERY MUCH - HE DOES A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE - YOU AND YOUR LIFE ARE NOT AN ACCIDENT - AND HE CAN HELP YOU HEAL, FROM ANYTHING... ANYTHING.
The ways He uses to heal are far beyond my knowledge or imagination but I have learned that it takes humility and obedience. And admitting to myself that I can’t get over my past and problems by myself — to stop denying that anything is wrong and admitting that I am broken, that I desperately need God in my life through prayer, reading and meditating on God’s ‘food of life’ for us - the Bible, and regular church attendance where I can not only get but also share God’s love with others; commitment to God’s avenue for healing - even when it hurts, attendance at a group where I can make godly friends and relationships and learn & grow under God-given guidance. (You know, when you have a raw wound there is pain involved before that wound can be healed. What happens to a wound that is just covered up and ignored? It festers & becomes infected and if it’s not attended to - may even lead to death.)
It took taking a good look at myself, stopping denying that anything was wrong before God really put His healing hand on my life. It took and is... taking struggles and perseverance. Romans 5:3-5 "...we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. But hey..... like it says.... it’s producing hope in my life! Gosh - it started with the Hope in my life way back when I was just eight years old and it’s continuing today. I really marvel at that. That’s incredible!
Most of all, it takes putting our focus first and foremost on God and how much HE LOVES YOU! Thank You, Jesus!
Jesus loves me
This I KNOW......
