Shield Of The Heart

We have many things to be proud of here in the South. We are kind & respectful, nature is beautiful, & we are proud of our heritage. Look how many Yankees want to move here after they retire. We want everyone to know they are welcome here in the South. We’ll help ‘em out any way we can.

We like to keep things simple down here. We talk plain without using a whole lotta words that don’t mean nothing. That’s something some people don’t understand. To help out those who aren’t used to our culture we want to tell ‘em some things you have to know if you move to the South. Here ya go:

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes & 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a few nobody ain’t ever seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. Onced & Twiced are words. Just ask CUZZ. (Explain twiced)

6. Fixinta is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

7. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner & then there's supper.

8. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals. And you start drinking it from the bottle when you’re a baby. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It’s referred to as the Wine of the South.

9. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?' “Jeet yet?”

10. You don't have to wear a watch, cuz it don't matter what time it is. You work till you're done or till it's too dark to see.

11. You don't PUSH or PRESS buttons, you MASH ‘em.

12. The word Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for high school sports, agriculture, gossip, & obituaries.

14. Everyone you meet is Honey, Sugar, Darlin’, or Sweetheart.

15. The first day of deer season is a national holiday.

16. You know what a hissy fit is.

17. You don't need no Driver's Ed in the South! If ya mama says ya can drive, you can drive!!!

AND one more:

18. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

Another fact about life in the South is that we love to eat. Give us a helpin’ of fried chicken, biscuits & gravy, string beans, & mashed potatoes & we are in heaven. Since we love to chow down so much there should be a prayer for those who dine on Southern cuisine. Here is the Southern Dieter’s Prayer:

Southern Dieter’s Prayer

Lord grant me the strength

That I may not fall

Into the clutches of cholesterol.

Cake is cursed, & cream is awful

And Satan is hiding in every waffle.

Teach me the evils of Hollandaise,

Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise,

And that crispy fried chicken straight from the South.

If you really love me, Lord, please shut my mouth.

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. The students were instructed to bring objects that represented their religions. The first student stood before the class and said, “My name is Benjamin, I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David.”

The second student stood up and said, “My name is Mary, I’m a Catholic, and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got up and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole.”

Since deer season opened this month, we have to hear a few jokes about that.

A group of friends went deer hunting. They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge 15-point buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.

“Hey, where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.

“Oh, he fainted a couple miles back up the trail,” Harry’s partner reported.

The rest of the group looked shocked, saying: “You left him behind & carried the deer back?”

“Yeah. It was a tough decision,” said the hunter seriously. “But I figured no one’s gone steal Harry.”

Two deer hunters meet in the woods one day.

The first one says, “Thank God, I’ve met you, I’ve been lost for hours!”

The other hunter replies, “That’s nothing – I been lost for days!”

What’s the difference between a hunter & a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits & lies.

One more deer joke:

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn’t be at church on Sunday because hunting season was ending. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” A hunter said, “Well, preacher, it worked. They’re all safe.”