We have many things to be proud of here in the South. We are kind & respectful, nature is beautiful, & we are proud of our heritage. Look how many Yankees want to move here after they retire. We want everyone to know they are welcome here in the South. We’ll help ‘em out any way we can.
We like to keep things simple down here. We talk plain without using a whole lotta words that don’t mean nothing. That’s something some people don’t understand. To help out those who aren’t used to our culture we want to tell ‘em some things you have to know if you move to the South. Here ya go:
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes & 4,998 of them live in the South.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a few nobody ain’t ever seen before.
4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.
5. Onced & Twiced are words. Just ask CUZZ. (Explain twiced)
6. Fixinta is one word. It means I'm going to do something.
7. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner & then there's supper.
8. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals. And you start drinking it from the bottle when you’re a baby. We do like a little tea with our sugar. It’s referred to as the Wine of the South.
9. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?' “Jeet yet?”
10. You don't have to wear a watch, cuz it don't matter what time it is. You work till you're done or till it's too dark to see.
11. You don't PUSH or PRESS buttons, you MASH ‘em.
12. The word Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.
13. The local paper covers national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for high school sports, agriculture, gossip, & obituaries.
14. Everyone you meet is Honey, Sugar, Darlin’, or Sweetheart.
15. The first day of deer season is a national holiday.
16. You know what a hissy fit is.
17. You don't need no Driver's Ed in the South! If ya mama says ya can drive, you can drive!!!
AND one more:
18. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!
Another fact about life in the South is that we love to eat. Give us a helpin’ of fried chicken, biscuits & gravy, string beans, & mashed potatoes & we are in heaven. Since we love to chow down so much there should be a prayer for those who dine on Southern cuisine. Here is the Southern Dieter’s Prayer:
Southern Dieter’s Prayer
Lord grant me the strength
That I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
Cake is cursed, & cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Teach me the evils of Hollandaise,
Of pasta and gobs of mayonnaise,
And that crispy fried chicken straight from the South.
If you really love me, Lord, please shut my mouth.
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. The students were instructed to bring objects that represented their religions. The first student stood before the class and said, “My name is Benjamin, I am Jewish, and this is a Star of David.”
The second student stood up and said, “My name is Mary, I’m a Catholic, and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got up and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole.”
Since deer season opened this month, we have to hear a few jokes about that.
A group of friends went deer hunting. They decided to separate into pairs for the day to cover more ground. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering under a huge 15-point buck. The rest of the group helped him as he dropped the buck, before looking around.
“Hey, where’s Harry?” asked one of the other hunters.
“Oh, he fainted a couple miles back up the trail,” Harry’s partner reported.
The rest of the group looked shocked, saying: “You left him behind & carried the deer back?”
“Yeah. It was a tough decision,” said the hunter seriously. “But I figured no one’s gone steal Harry.”
Two deer hunters meet in the woods one day.
The first one says, “Thank God, I’ve met you, I’ve been lost for hours!”
The other hunter replies, “That’s nothing – I been lost for days!”
What’s the difference between a hunter & a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits & lies.
One more deer joke:
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don’t get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn’t be at church on Sunday because hunting season was ending. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.” A hunter said, “Well, preacher, it worked. They’re all safe.”
Jimmy and Johnny, panting & pulling on their tandem bicycle, finally reached the top of a long, steep hill. “Whew!” gasped Jimmy. “What a climb!”
“Sure was!” agreed Johnny. “And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we’d have done rolled back down backward.”
Two weeks after my one-year-old’s photo shoot, I returned to the studio to view the pictures on a color monitor. The photographer started describing the merits of each photo. But as he went through the set, he spoke so quickly that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. Finally, after we’d seen all 27 pictures, he asked me which ones I was most interested in.
“None of ‘em,” I informed him. “That ain’t my kid.”
New words are popping up in our language like never before. Every day we hear a word we haven’t heard in our life. Seniors don’t want to be left behind so we have redefined a few words to suit us. Here's a list of some of the words we have given new definitions to:
• Egomaniac – Someone who believes the best things in life are me
• Mother-in-law – the original heavy meddler
• Procrastination – What one vows to give up ………… one day
• Success – That feeling you get when you get when you put the grandkid’s toy together
The doctor told Uncle Fudd that if he ran 5 miles a day for 300 days, he would lose 75 pounds. At the end of 300 days, Uncle Fudd called the doctor to report he had, indeed, lost weight, but he had a problem.
“Oh, what's the problem?” asked the doctor.
“After all that running, I’m 1,500 miles away from home!”
A woman was talking to another woman on the telephone: “I ran into an old friend from high school the other day & she looked marvelous! I couldn't believe my eyes. She hadn't gained an ounce, & she didn't have a single wrinkle on her – so I ran into her again.”
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But it takes about 8-10 visits.
Why was the government after the chiropractor?
He owed back taxes.
How do you know you’re over fifty?
When your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.
How are chiropractors and comedians alike?
They both crack people up.
Why shouldn’t you ever let a chiropractor tell you a joke?
It’ll hit your funny bone.
My chiropractor is dead serious
But he still cracks me up
And one more joke about Dr. Crack ‘M Up:
What is a chiropractor’s favorite food?
Baby crack ribs.
Shield of the Heart
Isn’t it great that we live in a peaceful world where everything goes our way? A world of rainbows & sunshine. That’s what it’s like, isn’t it? We all get along & no one is out to get us or bring us down. Isn’t that the way everything is in the world? The answer to that question is obvious. That is most definitely NOT what the world is like. We live in a world where we are all in a war.
Many wars are going on in the world today. We have wars in both the physical & spiritual realms. When we are at war it’s important to be able to defend ourselves from attack. In ancient times one piece of equipment of warfare that the soldier carried was a shield. Why did they need a shield? What did it do? The shield protected the soldier’s vital organs from being wounded by the weapons of his opponent. The shield was essential for the soldier to carry. If he didn’t have this level of protection the enemy could throw a spear or stab him in the chest. This wound could bring him down. That’s why every soldier was to carry a shield into battle.
Every one of us is in battle today. We are in a war. Perhaps not a physical war but each of us is in a spiritual war. Who is our spiritual enemy? Our spiritual enemy is Satan. He has been at this war since time began & knows every trick there is to bring us down. We all know Satan is defeated because the final victory belongs to God & His children. The devil knows the end is getting nearer every day & with that being the case he is fighting harder than ever to bring God’s people down. We all go through hard times in life. God knows that we need a shield against Satan’s attacks. What do we have that is a shield against attacks from the devil?
God Himself is our shield of protection. In Psalm 28:7 David writes, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; therefore, my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song, I will praise Him.” That verse begins by telling us “The Lord is my strength & my shield.” God says that He is the shield we need when the enemy attacks.
Another thing that ensures victory is knowledge of the enemy. What will his tactics of war be & where will he hit first? Where does the devil begin his attacks on us? He will hit the area where we are most vulnerable, where our human desires are the strongest. Where would that be? Jeremiah writes that the heart is deceitful. (Jeremiah 17:9) And Matthew tells us that out of the heart comes evil thoughts. (Matthew 15:19) The place where the desires of this world lie is in our hearts. If that’s where Satan is going to try to attack first, we need to protect our hearts. How can we do that? How can God be the shield of our hearts? Can we reach up to the clouds & pull the shield of the Lord down?
How can we reach for this shield? John 1:1 tells us, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.”
It says “the Word was God!” In the Word, we have God & He is the shield we need. What is the Word this verse is referring to? Where can we find the Word of God? The Holy Bible is the Word & it is more available now than ever before in history.
Many people, myself included, use Bible apps so the Word is always at hand. The YouVersion Bible app has been downloaded & installed on over 500 million different devices! This app has translated the Bible into over 1,750 languages! It is a Bible resource the Lord has provided free of charge to anyone who wishes to download it. Several of the Bible apps, including this one, will even read the Bible to you.
Some people won’t use a digital version of the Bible because they prefer the hardcopy version. As for me, I use both. Sometimes I like to flip the pages of the hardcopy while I read. The digital versions often have links to more biblical information. I have the digital Bible downloaded to several devices & I own 6 hardcopy Bibles. We can own many Bibles but it is like a gift in the fact that we can’t use it unless we do what? Unless we open it! We have to open the Bible to read, study, & apply what it says in our lives.
How powerful is the Word of God?
When the Devil tried to tempt Jesus to follow him, Jesus resisted the temptation by saying “It is written….” In the 4 gospels, Jesus says “It is written” 17 times!
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus says “It is written” 7 times.
When Jesus was tempted by Satan in the wilderness, He responded three times by saying “It is written” & then quoted Deuteronomy (Matthew 4:1-11).
In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus said “It is written” then quoted from the Old Testament about oaths (Matthew 5:33).
When the Pharisees challenged Jesus about His disciples picking grain on the Sabbath, Jesus responded by saying “Have you not read what David did…or have you not read in the Law…” (Matthew 12:3,5).
Here Jesus is referring to what is written in the Word of God.
In Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus firmly establishes His messianic authority by quoting Scripture to battle Satan & to respond to religious challenges from the Pharisees.
The Gospel of Mark only contains 4 occasions where Jesus said “It is written.” This occurred during His temptation by Satan in the wilderness for 40 days (Mark 1:12-13). Jesus responded to Satan’s temptations by quoting Scripture from Deuteronomy each time saying “It is written.”
In the book of Luke, Jesus says “It is written” 5 times when confronting Satan’s temptation in the wilderness (Luke 4:1-13).
Luke does not record any times other than these 5 when Jesus specifically said “It is written” but there are occasions when Jesus referenced or alluded to Scripture without using that exact phrase (Luke 7:27, 10:26, 19:46, 24:46).
In the book of John, there are no records of where Jesus said “It is written.” However, Jesus did make several references to Scripture in His disputes with the Jewish religious leaders.
For example, in John 6:45 Jesus references Isaiah 54:13 when He talks about what is written in the prophets.
While not explicitly using the phrase “It is written”, Jesus relied on the authority of Scripture in John’s Gospel as well.
If Jesus recalled the Word of God that many times it must be powerful! The Holy Bible is an essential part of the life of a believer.
We frequently encounter challenges and difficulties that can leave us feeling overwhelmed & disheartened. Psalm 28:7 reminds us that God is our shield & source of strength. As we learn to call on God & depend on His help, we come to realize that He isn’t far away in the heavens, but right here with us, always present. When we become a child of God the Holy Spirit resides in our heart. God becomes our harbor, our reliable shield. He grants us the courage & resilience to confront life’s trials & shields us from harm & danger. When we sense God’s presence & fully trust in His protection & guidance, our hearts overflow with gratitude & praise. We express our boundless gratitude & reverence to God through songs & praises.
Let’s open our hearts to God, seeking His guidance & protection. With God’s support, we can face life’s challenges boldly & move forward with confidence. Therefore, no matter what obstacles we encounter, let’s hold onto faith and lean on God’s assistance, knowing that He is our enduring shield & strength, faithfully accompanying us every step of the way of life.
Psalm 28:7 tells us that God is our shield. John 1:1 says that in the beginning, the Word was with God & the Word was God. When we need a shield, we can pick up the perfect & holy Word of God to protect us.
We will conclude our talk about God being our shield with this example. At one of the estate sales that my mom went to they had this Bible for sale. This Bible is unique in the fact that the front cover of it is metal. It’s a soldier’s Bible. The soldier it was given to was to keep this Bible in their shirt pocket. This Bible would literally shield the soldier’s heart from a gunshot. On the first page, it reads, “As Commander-In-Chief I take pleasure in commending the reading of the Bible to all who serve in the armed forces of the United States. Throughout the centuries men of many faiths & diverse origins have found in the Sacred Book words of wisdom, counsel, & inspiration. It is a foundation of strength & now, as always, an aid in attaining the highest aspirations of the human soul.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt
With Roosevelt being the president, this Bible was probably given to a soldier in WWII.
God wants His children to use the Bible as a shield of our hearts to protect us from attacks of the enemy. Many verses encourage us to inscribe the Word on our hearts so they will become part of who we are. Here are a few of those verses:
“This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success.” Joshua 1:8
“But he answered, “It is written, “‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’” Matthew 4:4
“But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.” Psalm 1:2
“I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.” Psalm 119:11
“So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:31-32
“Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near.” Revelation 1:3
One thing that should be on our daily to-do list is spending time with the Lord in the Word. You won’t regret it.
Closing Prayer:
Let us pray. Heavenly Father, as we open Your Word, we ask for Your guidance. Illuminate our minds and hearts with Your infinite wisdom. Help every one of us understand the truths You have laid out in the Bible. May Your Holy Spirit lead to insights that transform our lives. Remove distractions and give us a clear focus on Your teachings dear Lord. May Your Word be a lamp to our feet and a light to the path of life. In Jesus' Amen
