FAMILY MATTERS
“Breaking the Cycle of Abuse”
Numbers 14:18 and 2nd Corinthians 5:17
“The LORD is slow to anger and filled with unfailing love, forgiving every kind of sin and rebellion. But he does not excuse the guilty. He lays the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected--even children in the third and fourth generations.” Numbers 14:18
I want to begin this morning by stating several facts related to families today. Here are four:
• 90% of all children who are abused will grow up and abuse their own children.
• Children of alcoholics are four times as likely to become alcoholics
• One out of four children will experience abuse in their lifetime
• Abuse in childhood greatly increases the possibility a child will grow up and experience depression, struggle with alcoholism and even multiple personalities
My story as far as I can recall begin the age of six. I was not physically abused; I was not sexually abused but I was emotionally abused. In my early childhood but I began to recognize there was something that was just not right with my family. The earliest event I can recall happened when I was about six years old. I was at home and heard all kinds of loud noise coming from the kitchen and I went to see what was happening.
My father was emptying the cabinet of dishes, throwing them across the room and breaking them one after another. Then glass containers from the refrigerator throwing them as well. It was shouting, cursing-he was in a rage. There was one mother across the room, scared, crying; distraught—she had no idea what to do. It is still clear in my mind and I can tell you it was a horrible thing to watch. As I stood there I was just frozen and almost in shock.
The next day one of my friends came over so I decided to tell him what had happened. I was standing there pointing at the wall describing where every dish had hit the wall, describing the entire scene and at the same time I was kind of surprised that everything was cleaned up so nicely... I saw nothing wrong with what I was doing until out of nowhere my mother leaned over and said shhh! That was all but from that point forward I knew not to ever talk about it again.
This became a pattern of violence in our family for the rest of my childhood. I don’t know how we ever had any dishes in our house. I had three brothers and one sister and my father drank until he was drunk every day of our young lives and would unleash his anger, verbally all of us. I grew up being very afraid of my father and unable to share all that was going on with anyone. So I kept it all inside of me.
I didn’t know the word at the time that my family was dysfunctional. I’m certain this is not the first time you have heard that word— dysfunctional. If you go to the bookstore or scour the Internet for books that address dysfunctional families, you will find more reading material that you have time for. I have written many articles and books and completed studies and have led support groups for years and taught on this subject and I can give you a quick summary of how these families work. I know because I experienced it all of my childhood. There are three rules that govern a dysfunctional family. Once you know these three rules you will know how to identify one immediately and you will know whether you are or have been a part of one.
Rule #1. Don’t talk. No matter what happens in your home to you or to anyone else, you absolutely cannot discuss it with anyone outside of your family. Because it is a secret. You must learn to stuff it all inside.
Rule #2. Don’t trust. No matter what happens to you or anyone else in your home, you cannot trust this information with anyone for one simple reason. There is no one you can trust. So children in homes like this grow up very often become suspicious of everyone, question everyone’s motives and have trouble believing anyone.
Rule #3. Don’t feel. No matter what happens to you or to anyone in your home, you cannot express your feelings. In fact you’re not really allowed to have feelings. You are made to stuff them, press them down, deep inside where they cannot come out. But of course that’s impossible. They will always find a way out. Through anger, depression….they will come out. You will have a choice much later in life that looks something like this…
(1) Express those feelings to someone you can trust. Tell them exactly how you feel or how you felt at the time. Get some help if you feel you need it. But no matter what, start talking about your experience.
OR
(2) Find a drug, a drink or a habit that will help you cover it up for the rest of your life. That is what many people decide to do. My younger brother used drugs all of his life and drank himself to death at the age of 56.
Let me tell you a story I want you please listen carefully. There was a man who had gotten to an age where most of us retire and settle in where we are. But this guy instead told his wife he wanted to move from the comfort of their home to another place that was going to be just the opposite. So she said well tell me where it is. And he simply said I don’t know. Now can you imagine her response?
Well he uprooted his family anyway, his wife, his elderly dad who was living with them and his cousin and moved them all 1000 miles away. When they were halfway there, his father died. His wife were not able to have kids so for some strange reason his wife told him about a woman who’d been sold into sex trafficking and she told him to go have relations with that woman so that they could have children. So he did which all ended badly because his wife obviously became very jealous. Duh. ?
So to their surprise he and his wife were able to have a son. And then grandchildren. And one of the grandsons liked to trick people into giving him things that he had no right to have. He conned them out of things he wanted. And he was good at it too. His grandson decided one wife wasn’t enough so he had multiple wives. Together among all the wives, they now had 12 sons. Now are you staying with me because it just gets better? All of these grandsons developed a terrible reputation—they had sexual addictions, multiple partners. So the extended family was a real mess--dysfunctional and there was one failure after another after another after another. Get the picture?
Now there is even more detail but I will stop there to tell you this…… every one of you know the guy that I’m talking about……. I have just summarized numerous chapters in the Bible and this man I am describing— his name was Abraham. That’s right. The one we commonly call father Abraham, the spiritual father of the Hebrew nation. He is mentioned more than 70 times in the New Testament. He is presented as an example to all of us as believers. And in Hebrews 11 there is one word used to describe this man’s greatness. It is the word faith. And despite all the problems Abraham had, God said, I want to use you. In fact I want to use you to build a great nation. I want to bless you with many descendants and give your family an amazing inheritance. And he did. And Abraham lived such an incredible life that he and his wife were both buried in the Promised Land. And 430 years later one of his descendants, Joseph, was buried there is well.
Talk about changing the look of a family tree. There was more sexual abuse than I could actually describe this morning, secrets, lies, dishonesty, dysfunction—but God said let’s turn this around and Abraham agreed.
How does that happen?
Let me give you some steps to follow and I want to say right up front that these are very difficult steps. There is no easy cure for dysfunction in the family. There’s nothing easy about it. But if you want to break the cycle in your family, this is what you must do.
(1) Admit there is a problem. Stop dancing around the issue. Whatever addiction might be there, whether it’s yours, your spouses or one of your children—admitted is there.
(2) Decide you will do whatever it takes to change the future of your family and for yourself. I made a conscious decision as a young adult that my children would not experience the things I did. I made a conscious decision I would marry someone with whom I could share my faith. And that together we would provide a godly home. You say, well Pastor it’s too late now. But actually it’s not. You cannot change things in the past. But it is never too late to do the right thing. It is never too late to create the life that you want. It is never too late to do something different.
(3) Decide today that there will be no more family secrets. No more abuse. Start talking about them immediately, today. Establish quality time together with your family— every single week. Healthy families do not just happened. It takes nurturing and it takes time. Talk to each other.
(4) If there is an addiction in your life, decide today you will put an end to that addiction. Get some help if needed. Put Jesus ahead of that addiction. Make Him first in your life.
