Thirty Years and Still Learning
TCF Sermon
August 10, 2008
We’re in a season of weddings – have you noticed? Several of our young people have tied the knot in the last year, and some in recent weeks, – and at least two of our, shall we say, older ones, too. And there are still more weddings to come in the coming weeks and months. Having attended many of these weddings, I can’t help but think of my own wedding vows.
Barb and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this month – August 22 to be precise, and what a tremendous 30 years it has been. So many great memories. Thirty years ago, in Kennedy Chapel at ORU, Barb and I stood before Paul King, who performed our wedding, and vowed to stick with one another until death parts us.
I know there are many others here who have been married much longer than us, including Jim and Barb Garrett, who will celebrate their 59th anniversary, just a few days before we mark our 30th – on August 20.
I guess this morning is what you could call one of those milestone messages. That means there won’t be the exegeting of scripture as you might expect, though I believe that my thoughts this morning are biblically based. And this is more of a message on relationships than it is specifically about marriage, so those of you who are younger, or those of you who aren’t married, don’t immediately turn off your attention and think this doesn’t apply to you.
I’m big on milestones. I often think back over the years when I pass an important milestone. My girls often tease me about how, on their birthdays, I’ll tell them, well, this many years ago right now, here’s what we were doing.
I’m big on milestones because I know I need to reflect on things. That’s one way I learn. When I reflect on things, I better internalize the things I’ve learned along the way, and it helps me to remember them more effectively. When I mark milestones, it also reminds me to be thankful for how far I’ve come, and for how much God has been gracious and faithful to me.
There’s something about 30 years of marriage, or 30 years of almost any kind of relationship, that’s especially meaningful. Not particularly because it’s specifically 30 years, but because it represents a longer period of time.
Think about the many relationships you have in your life. Certainly, we can and do have very meaningful relationships with people we’ve only known a shorter period of time. But there are also some things that sometimes result from our relationships at least in part because of the longevity of those relationships. There are things we remember, things we learn, things we experience, that are closely tied not just to the quality of the relationship, but to the quantity of time that relationship spans.
In fact, I think the quality of a relationship can often, not always, but often, be directly tied to the quantity of time of that relationship. I think it’s false reasoning to try to use quality time as an excuse for the lack of quantity time in certain relationships.
Let me give you an example. You may have heard people say something like, “well, I don’t have a lot of time with my children, but the time I have is quality time.” Hogwash. Mule fritters. Cow cookies. You cannot schedule quality.
Quality time happens in the midst of quantity time. It only happens naturally when we’re together a lot – you can’t turn it on and off.
We need time together for relationships to grow, to develop, to be nurtured. Now, certainly there are activities and circumstances which enhance the quality, and maybe even the quantity, of time together more than other activities. I like to call those things microwave relationships.
It reminds me of the old Stephen Wright line. He says, I bought a microwave fireplace, now, I can spend an evening in front of the fireplace in just five minutes.
Relationship building is microwaved when you’re together on a mission or a project, living in a dorm, in a difficult situation, or some shared experience. That’s why BASIC does its Road Kill Weekend many years – same reason for the ski trip – to jump-start and enhance the relationship building which is such a key component of a successful youth group.
Put a bunch of people together in a vehicle for many hours together, and you’re going to build relationships. Or, you’re going to want to kill each other. But the point is, time is non-negotiable in relationships. It’s a critical component to the continuing health and growth of a good relationship.
So, again, the quality of a relationship can often be directly tied to the quantity of time of that relationship. Yet, of course, that’s not always a guarantee of a good relationship, either. There are a few inherent pitfalls in long-term relationships – if not inherent, then at least they are risks.
One of those risks is complacency. The sameness of the day-to-day encounters, over a period of months, and then years, can lead to complacency. Complacency is a relationship killer.
But it doesn’t have to be that way – we don’t have to become complacent. When Jesus is at the center of a relationship, whether it’s a husband and wife, a parent and child, a brother or sister, or almost any kind of friendship, a long-time relationship doesn’t have to lead to complacency. It can lead to many other wonderful things that we can learn from, and grow in.
A hallmark of these things we learn in long-term relationships is that some of these lessons apply not only to our earthly relationships, but many of them, perhaps not all, but many, also apply in some ways to our relationship with our Heavenly Father.
Take the complacency that we just mentioned. Over time, certainly our relationship with the Lord can flounder – our love can grow cold. We can get complacent about seeking Him, about spending time with Him, about knowing Him better, about serving Him. We can take Him for granted.
But again, as with our human relationships, it doesn’t have to be that way. Just as we can become complacent about the things it takes to nurture a relationship, we can also be very intentional about doing all it takes to keep a relationship strong.
So, I’ve learned some things through the years. Some of these things apply to my relationship to the Lord as well as with my wife, or with friends or colleagues.
One of the things that’s more true now than it was 30 years ago is that I can understand what my wife wants and needs – I can, shall we say, hear her voice.
The same is true of my relationship with the Lord. I don’t struggle as much to hear His voice as I did when I was younger. Of course, there are still those moments, both in my marriage as well as with the Lord, that I still don’t hear clearly. My head is, after all, fairly thick. But just as Jesus said,
John 10:27 (NASB77) 27 "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;
I know Barb, and she knows me. I’ve learned to hear Barb in ways I couldn’t hear her when we first met, and I’ve also learned to hear God’s voice better through the years, to distinguish His voice from among the many impressions I might have. And that still-growing ability has taken time to develop.
I’m also more confident now that I know what Barb wants and needs from me, whereas early in our relationship, I didn’t know her as well as I do today, and thus felt sometimes as if I was guessing a bit more. I know what’s important to her and what isn’t. I know what she values in general, and what she values in me. I know what will please her, and I know what displeases her.
Much as I’ve learned these things about Barb, I’ve learned similar things in my life as a follower of Christ. I’ve learned these things as I’ve spent time with Him in His Word and in prayer. I’ve learned these things as I’ve spent time with His followers. I’ve learned these things as I’ve developed my relationship with Barb. Another thing I’ve learned, which doesn’t so much apply to my relationship with the Lord, but does apply to my relationship with Barb and with others, is that I cannot be the Holy Spirit in anyone’s life.
Regardless of how appropriate a desire is – to see someone grow in Christ, to see a destructive lifestyle choice changed, to see a sin repented of, to see Godly changes in a person’s life, my name is Bill, my name is not Holy Spirit.
My tendency early in our marriage was to try to make Barb into the image and likeness of me – at least the image of what I thought was right and good and godly. Needless to say, Barb did not appreciate this perspective as much.
In looking back, I can see that some of those desires may have been perfectly appropriate to hope for and wish for in Barb, yet, some were inappropriate, and some of them weren’t necessarily inappropriate, but perhaps more selfish, or not really very important.
But regardless of how spiritual some of those desires for Barb were, it’s not up to me to work that change in her. Only the Holy Spirit can work genuine changes in people.
That’s not to say we cannot or do not have a role in change sometimes. As parents (especially of younger children), sometimes as friends, as leaders in a church, the Holy Spirit does indeed use us as His instrument in speaking to another person about needed change.
So, don’t go home, young people, and when your mom tells you to clean your room, respond to her: “but mom, the preacher said you can’t be the Holy Spirit in my life.” And don’t think that when you’re in sin, no one has the right to speak to you about that.
But there’s a clear difference between our being open to the Holy Spirit to use us, as His tool in the lives of people, and, on the other hand, with us as the tool, let’s say a hammer, picking ourselves up and pounding away at something on our own.
It’s the job of Holy Spirit to bring change, not mine. My job is to be obedient. My job is to listen for God’s voice. Only when I let go, and let God work changes in people’s lives do those changes ever come about.
Again, I believe God can and does use me, and He uses you, but it’s on His initiative, and when I am used, it’s because of my willingness to respond to that initiative, not on my own initiative.
That’s one of the things I’ve learned in 30 years with my wonderful wife. A few weeks ago, we looked at the idea of our selfish culture, and how much we are ruled by that in our personal lives and perspectives. We noted how so much of our lives are focused on me myself and I.
In 30 years, I’ve learned, to my dismay, how full of selfishness I am. But I’ve also learned that I’m capable of selflessness – of dying to self. I’ve learned that when I die to self, my relationship with Barb is always better, more peaceful, more productive, more fruitful, more satisfying.
I’ve also learned about servant leadership and how this relates to the idea of selflessness. I see clearly that pleasing my wife before I try to please myself often results in my own sense of pleasure and satisfaction.
I don’t do it because of this, and know I need to please others first regardless, but it’s often a very definite result of my self-denial and service. Serving one another is a critical key of a marriage, and of any relationship. And, as we’ve noted, this is one of those things which has clear applications in our relationship with God, as well as others.
Some of these selfish things lead to battles, and another thing I’ve learned, and this certainly applies to relationships with others, but not necessarily in our relationship with the Lord, is to pick your battles. Sometimes we make mountains out of molehills. Sometimes we let things that are, in the scheme of things, very small things, become major battles. Even major battles that threaten or undermine our relationships.
So what if my wife puts the toilet paper roll on with the sheets coming off the bottom, and I do it coming off the top? Even though we all know that off the top is the way Jesus did it, it’s certainly not the hill I want to die on – to create a life or death struggle about.
Of course, I make light of something that really is miniscule in importance, but there are things that are a little more important than this, like separation of household responsibilities, that are still not worth battling over.
If we practice some of that death to self we spoke of a minute ago, we won’t fuss with each other about those things to begin with, but picking your battles is a key relationship skill – most things just are not worth making an issue of.
Related to that idea is this: Being righteous is more important than being right.
By that I mean that there are times when the Lord is much more concerned about how we respond in a given conflict than with who’s right and who’s wrong. That’s a hard one for me, since I’m usually right. But there have been many times when I feel that God has clearly shown me that, regardless of who was right or wrong in a situation, my response was not appropriate, so I felt compelled to repent, and to apologize.
Here’s another thing I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage. Being known more fully, and accepted and loved anyway, is a very wonderful thing. It’s also very convicting.
Barb knows me better than anyone in the world. She knows all my faults, and puts up with more than anyone should have to. But she loves me anyway. I know that her love for me is absolutely unconditional. She may not like me in those moments when I’m not behaving very likeably, but I know she loves me. I know that when I’m acting like a jerk, she’s not going to give up on me and leave me. It’s a reflection of the agape love that God has for us. And it’s absolutely wonderful. It feels safe. But it’s also very convicting.
When I behave like a jerk, and Barb loves me anyway, it makes me want to do better. It makes me want to be less of a jerk. A few weeks ago, I began to fuss at Barb about something. I honestly can’t even remember what it was, but it clearly wasn’t very important, and she said to me, quietly, but with somewhat of a pained look on her face, “don’t fuss at me.”
But she didn’t say, go away – you’re acting like a jerk, and I don’t want to be around you. She was quiet for a short period of time, but there was never a hint that this would impact our relationship beyond a few minutes.
I feel very safe in my relationship with her. But I also felt terrible. I felt convicted. So I shut up. Her response to me, which could have led to her lashing back in the same way I was dealing with her, instead was a quiet response that first of all, revealed to me that I was being a jerk, but never caused me to question her love for me.
That’s agape love. That’s the kind of love that I can not only feel secure in, but the kind of love that makes me want to do better. It convicts me, in a very gentle way, of the things that I need to change. And I’m grateful for that.
When I was first married, a few people I knew said, you think it’s great now, referring to our love for each other… you think it’s great now, wait until you’ve been married for many years…it’ll be even better.
I thought, yeah, right. How could it be any better? I was young and in love. The emotions were very strong. The passion was very tangible. Even the level of commitment was very strong. I couldn’t imagine it being better - like an infant who can’t imagine anything better than green gooey baby food.
But another thing I’ve learned in 30 years of marriage is that these people who told me things like this were right. There is a deeper love than first love.
Now, there’s nothing quite like first love in terms of intensity – those initial feelings of falling in love and all the accompanying emotions. It’s fun, it’s enjoyable, it’s wonderful.
But the love I had for my wife when we were dating, then first married, absolutely cannot compare to the love for I have for her today. Yes, there’s still strong emotion. It’s a myth to think that these strong feelings go away. But it’s different. It’s deeper. I can look back, and see that, as much in love with my wife as I truly was 30 years ago, on the day we stood at the altar, and promised to love, honor and cherish each other, the love we have for one another today is time-tested. It’s fire-tested. It’s had to go deeper to withstand the storms, not just of our relationship building, but of life together, and all life tends to throw at you. There is a deeper love than first love. There’s nothing wrong with first love, it’s a wonderful thing, but I just don’t believe God wants us to stay there.
Something else that I’ve learned, and come to love about our relationship, and this, too applies in a very real way to my relationship with the Lord. Most of the time Barb can’t fix my problems, or make them go away, but having her with me makes a world of difference. Her presence with me. Standing with me, encouraging me, often being God’s instrument to comfort. Sometimes just being there without anything at all to say. She can’t make the problems go away, and truly sometimes God doesn’t make my problems go away, though He’s certainly capable if He so chooses.
But He didn’t promise to, and neither does Barb. But Jesus did promise to never leave me or forsake me. He promised to be with me always. Barb made a similar promise, and it means so much to me. Let’s spend the next few minutes listening to a song that expresses some of these ideas we’ve looked at this morning. And as you listen, think not just of marital love, think of how much of these lyrics also apply to Jesus’ love for us, yet another example of the analogies between marriage and the love Christ has for His church.
Go There With You - Stephen Curtis Chapman
I know you’ve heard me say these words before
But every time I say I love you the words mean something more
I spoke them as a promise right from the start
I said death would be the only thing that could tear us apart
And now that you are standing on the edge of the unknown
I love you means I’ll be with you wherever you must go
[Chorus:]
I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
And I will give myself to love the way Love gave itself for me
And climb with you to mountaintops or swim a raging sea
To the place where one heart is made from two
I will go there with you
I see it in your tears - you wonder where you are
The wind is growing colder and the sky is growing dark
Though it’s something neither of us understands
We can walk through this together if we hold each other’s hand
I said for better or worse I’d be with you
So no matter where you’re going I will go there too
[Chorus:]
I will take a heart whose nature is to beat for me alone
And fill it up with you - make all your joy and pain my own
No matter how deep a valley you go through
I will go there with you
[Bridge:]
I know sometimes I let you down
But I won’t let you go - we’ll always be together
When Jesus is at the center of a relationship, nothing but good can come from it. When He’s not the center, and we hold him at arm’s length, or choose not to involve Him at all in our relationships with one another, we do more than miss out on a good relationship. We miss God. We miss the things that He wants to do in us.
Because God almost always chooses to accomplish His purposes in us through relationship – relationship first with Him, and then with others.
Finally, the reason for the title of this message. I have learned a lot in 30 years of marriage, and the things we’ve talked about are just a sampling. But even after 30 years, I’m still learning about relationships, I’m still learning how to love my wife, I’m still figuring out how to apply 1 Corinthians 13 to my daily life and my daily wife.
And this, too, applies to our lifetime relationship with the Lord. We cannot exhaust the things we can learn about Him, about how to follow Him wholeheartedly, and serve Him more fully. Grow in Him.
When we stop learning, in a marriage relationship, in any kind of relationship, or in our relationship with the Lord, we stop growing, and the relationship begins to wither.
So, let’s be intentional in our relationships. Let’s be open to learning about ourselves. Let’s be intentional about nurturing those things about relationships that help us grow as individuals.
Disciples are learners. That’s essentially what the word disciple means. Let’s continue to learn about Jesus throughout our lives. Let’s continue to learn about our relationships with each other and not take them for granted or become complacent.
Pray
