If I Were The Devil

As a pastor, it is my job to guard your souls from the evil one and sometimes from yourselves. The evil one, the devil, is crafty and knows each of us very well. So, to guard your souls I need to arm you with some of the tactics of the devil. To do this I will be role-playing, showing you what I would do to keep you from having faith and trust in God and His Son Jesus, if I were the devil.

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,

against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Ephesians 6:10-13

If I were the prince of darkness, I would want to engulf the whole world in darkness. I currently have a third of the world’s real estate and about four-fifths of its population. But I would not be satisfied until I have seized the real estate that has the most Christians, and that is the United States. So, I set about however necessary to take over the United States.

Another parable He put forth to them, saying: “The kingdom of heaven is like a mustard seed, which a man took and sowed in his field, which indeed is the least of all the seeds; but when it is grown it is greater than the herbs and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and nest in its branches.”

Matthew 13:31-32

First, I would set out to subvert the churches. I would impress upon the pastors that they want to have quantity over quality. I would have them look at the number of attendees and cause them to alter their messages so as not to cause a drop in those numbers, and in most cases create new fictions to increase those numbers. I would whisper in their ears not to talk about sin, allowing people to be comfortable in their current situation. I would get them to avoid any touchy subject such as: homosexuality, adultery, sex outside of marriage, and any other issue that will make them uncomfortable.

If I were the devil, I would change the concept of what a biblical church is. I would no longer call it a church, but instead call it a class, and in that class, I would use the bible, but I would misquote it and treat it more like a science or medical book, relating most of it to the physical body. For example, I would turn the tabernacle into an anatomy lesson, equating its three parts: the Most Holy Place, the Holy Place, and the outer court with the head cavity, the chest cavity, and the abdominal cavity of the body, in so doing I turn you away for the holiness of God and start you looking at self, how you have grown in knowledge. In this class I would teach you that salvation does not come by repentance of sins and acceptance of Christ Jesus, no way no how; I would teach that salvation comes by knowing His proper name, not by knowing Him and having a relationship with Him and confessing that you are a sinner in need of a savior, but just by knowing His name…because He never died for you and rose again. To appeal to your vanity while in class, I would give you bogus doctor’s degrees, regardless of if you never graduated high school. This will cause you to believe that you have something that Christian folk do not, and there I have succeeded in causing you to be prideful.

So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands,

with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

Mark 10:29-31

But I would not stop there. I would make the pastors greedy and prideful, wanting the worship of the people and the money they will give, so I would get them to misuse and translate all that they can to relate to money. For example, I will get them to use Mark 10:29-31 and zoom in on the promise of a hundredfold return to the exclusion of everything else that it talks about and interpret it in financial terms. I would whisper to them, this is what this scripture means “if we give $1 for the work of the kingdom, you will receive $100 in return. That is God’s promise to Christians!” Then I would tell them to close with this “Every man who invests in the Gospel has the right to expect the staggering return of one hundredfold.” The scripture does not promise that, but hey, if they think it does then it is all the better for you, with more money in your offerings. I will get this prosperity message broadcast nationwide, and I will watch them fall away from God because His promises were not true. I will bring about disillusionment upon the people, and soon they will watch their pastor fall from grace. I’m funny that way, giving you the thing you most desire and then using it to hang you with.