Fighting Fair Series

Yet lying is a habit for many people and even between the majority of spouses.

Be Honest

91% of Americans lie about trivial matters

86% lie on a regular basis to their parents

75% lie to their friends

33% lie about important matters

70% married people lie to their spouses

“The Day America Told the Truth,” by James Patterson

We are afraid of what might happen if we speak the truth – even if it is in love.

We think that if we’re honest with people, they’ll push us away. We’d rather not tell our boss what we’re really thinking because he or she would just get angry. We’d rather not tell our spouse something because he or she will just get defensive. We’d rather not tell our teacher or parents the truth because they just wouldn’t understand.

And this is why “live-in” couples have such a difficult time building an enduring relationship – they lack the protection of the covenant vow of marriage which gives you permission to be honest.

Even in marriage – especially with children of divorce – honesty can be terrifying!

Let me tell you about a woman named Karen. Karen as a child watched her parents go thorough a rough divorce.

When Karen talked her marriage she said, "I haven’t the faintest idea how to settle an argument without panicking. First, I’ve never seen how it’s done. My par¬ents were always fighting. Mom was a shrieker and Dad would just walk out. …Now, whenever we disagree, the one and only solution that occurs to me is that he’s going to leave or that I’ll have to walk out of here. And I panic...."

When asked for an example she said, "It happened just last week. Gavin was very tense because the economics department was having a meeting and he really cared about the decision they were going to make. I should have known better but just as he was leaving, I started to chide him about not spending enough time with Maya – and he just blew up. As he was walking out the door, he turned on his heel and said, `Expletive deleted”, Karen, are you never satisfied?’ and he slammed the door."

“…I sat there, Judy, in a state of absolute terror. I tell you, I thought to myself, `This is it. This is where it ends. This is what happened to my parents.’ And I even went further, I’m ashamed to say. I thought, should I call a lawyer? What should I do about our joint bank account? I even spun out in my head that Gavin would support Maya but probably wouldn’t give me a dime if we got a divorce. I worked myself into an absolute panic and sat there frozen, for hours. And then Gavin sailed through the door and kissed me! He had completely for¬gotten our quarrel. It never registered on his radar screen. He must have realized that I was upset because he took me in his arms, hugged me and kissed me, and told me that he loves me more than he thought he would love anybody. And then it was over."

"How often do you have these panics?"

"You mean how often do we quarrel? We fight very little. It’s just that when we do, it takes me back to a place in my life where I don’t want to go and I freak out. And I hate that in myself because it’s when I become like my mom or my dad. And that terrifies me."