Heaven Help the Home
Marathon Marriage – Oct 2
Security & Significance – Oct 9
Fighting Fair – Oct 16
Taming the Tongue – Oct 23
Leading & Loving – Oct 30
Marathon Marriage – Oct 2
Romance
Reality
Regret
Renewal
Security and Significance – Oct 9
Proposition 1: Our two most basic human needs are for security and significance.
Security and Significance – Oct 9
Proposition 2: Our most basic problem in life is that we look to the wrong source for our security and significance.
Security and Significance – Oct 9
Proposition 3: Our most basic responsibility is to encourage our mates, teach our children, and show our friends that security and significance comes from God by how we live with and love them.
Fighting Fair
A conflict free marriage is a oxymoron.
Every mar¬ried couple must learn how to deal with differences in ways that suit their style, values, and relationship.
This is a major challenge of mod¬ern marriage. Disputes are no longer settled by the father who knows best, a council of elders, or folk tradition.
Women hold equal power and not all differences can be compromised, mediated, or settled by taking turns.
If he wants no children and she wants one, you can’t have half a child. And you can’t walk away from the conflict. Someone has to prevail or you have to find a way to agree. You can’t live in his hometown in California and your hometown in Boston and be in the same household. Nor is it a solution to live midway in Chicago.
You have to face the issue squarely, contain the anger and the disappointment that follows, and solve it peaceably to maintain the marriage. And you have to face the fact that this or another conflict will reappear. It’s an ongoing, challenging process that can be the key to a good marriage or the road to divorce.
Whenever you have relationships -- really any kind of relationship -- you’re going to have conflict. Most marriages are marked by periodic skirmishes -- and occasionally by an all out war. Marital warfare may take place in the trenches of hostility or moodiness. Some battles are surprise assaults. Others are cold wars of stoic silence.
Sometimes, this warfare takes place years down the road -- and other times it can happen on the wedding night. I recently read about a true story that happened in Waukesha, Wisconsin
Mr. and Mrs. Christopher Snyder had a beautiful June wedding. The problems started when the wedding was over while they were trying to decide where they should go to celebrate. They couldn’t agree and, seeing as how they had been drinking since early afternoon, the bride got mad and “gashed her husband’s head open with her wedding ring.” The police were eventually called because someone in the bar thought the groom had been stabbed.
When the bride met the police, she was a little belligerent and was arrested for disorderly conduct. They later found the groom wandering along a nearby street in search of a hospital. The police took him to see his wife at the jail. Shortly after being released, the lovebirds began arguing again and he hit her in the face. He was arrested this time for domestic battery and, since she started kicking the police officers for interrupting their honeymoon, she was arrested a second time for disorderly conduct.
They spent their wedding night in separate cells and were released the next morning.
Most of us enter marriage with undeveloped conflict resolution skills. We don’t really know how to have a good fight. That reminds me of a husband who said, that after 50 years of marriage, he and his wife have had only one fight. When asked what his secret was he said, “The fight started on our honeymoon and I’m still waiting for it to end!”
Couples fight about money, goals, vacations, kids, work, house, leisure time, cars, in-laws, drinking, health problems, church, and even pets.
This morning I want to learn 4 conflict resolution skills from Ephesians 4.
These four ground rules should keep you from landing in jail.
Be Honest
25 So you must stop telling lies. Tell each other the truth, because we all belong to each other in the same body
Ephesians 5:25
The first skill is to be honest. The word “stop” means to discard, to strip off, to cast away. It’s translated as “put off”. God is telling us to get rid of any falsehood and to start or “put on” truth telling. This verse really speaks about relationships in the church between believers. Christians are to be truth tellers, not people who lie to one another. If you are serious about being a Christ-follower, then you must be honest.
But what is true in the body should be even more so in the one body of a marriage. Remember – two shall become one!
Yet lying is a habit for many people and even between the majority of spouses.
Be Honest
91% of Americans lie about trivial matters
86% lie on a regular basis to their parents
75% lie to their friends
33% lie about important matters
70% married people lie to their spouses
“The Day America Told the Truth,” by James Patterson
We are afraid of what might happen if we speak the truth – even if it is in love.
We think that if we’re honest with people, they’ll push us away. We’d rather not tell our boss what we’re really thinking because he or she would just get angry. We’d rather not tell our spouse something because he or she will just get defensive. We’d rather not tell our teacher or parents the truth because they just wouldn’t understand.
And this is why “live-in” couples have such a difficult time building an enduring relationship – they lack the protection of the covenant vow of marriage which gives you permission to be honest.
Even in marriage – especially with children of divorce – honesty can be terrifying!
Let me tell you about a woman named Karen. Karen as a child watched her parents go thorough a rough divorce.
When Karen talked her marriage she said, "I haven’t the faintest idea how to settle an argument without panicking. First, I’ve never seen how it’s done. My par¬ents were always fighting. Mom was a shrieker and Dad would just walk out. …Now, whenever we disagree, the one and only solution that occurs to me is that he’s going to leave or that I’ll have to walk out of here. And I panic...."
When asked for an example she said, "It happened just last week. Gavin was very tense because the economics department was having a meeting and he really cared about the decision they were going to make. I should have known better but just as he was leaving, I started to chide him about not spending enough time with Maya – and he just blew up. As he was walking out the door, he turned on his heel and said, `Expletive deleted”, Karen, are you never satisfied?’ and he slammed the door."
“…I sat there, Judy, in a state of absolute terror. I tell you, I thought to myself, `This is it. This is where it ends. This is what happened to my parents.’ And I even went further, I’m ashamed to say. I thought, should I call a lawyer? What should I do about our joint bank account? I even spun out in my head that Gavin would support Maya but probably wouldn’t give me a dime if we got a divorce. I worked myself into an absolute panic and sat there frozen, for hours. And then Gavin sailed through the door and kissed me! He had completely for¬gotten our quarrel. It never registered on his radar screen. He must have realized that I was upset because he took me in his arms, hugged me and kissed me, and told me that he loves me more than he thought he would love anybody. And then it was over."
"How often do you have these panics?"
"You mean how often do we quarrel? We fight very little. It’s just that when we do, it takes me back to a place in my life where I don’t want to go and I freak out. And I hate that in myself because it’s when I become like my mom or my dad. And that terrifies me."
Friends, when you submerge your true feelings in order to preserve harmony, you will undermine the integrity of your relationships. You might think you’re keeping the peace, but actually those feelings will go underground and eventually erupt. And, for those of you who are married, you will never have a marriage of oneness if you and your spouse don’t value authenticity.
It’s not easy to tell the truth -- especially when it might hurt someone. But, if we value good relationships, and take seriously what God says, it’s essential to develop this first skill in conflict resolution. You really can’t build a relationship if truth and honesty are not valued. What this means is that you will choose to do not what’s easy, but what’s right -- to be honest, to speak the truth -- even if it means going through a tunnel of chaos.
Be Angry
26 When you are angry, do not sin, and be sure to stop being angry before the end of the day. 27 Do not give the devil a way to defeat you.
Ephesians 5:26
This conflict resolution skill is counter intuitive but you must learn to be angry.
Let’s be honest – anger is not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. You will be angry in your marriage – unless you are dead from the neck up!
Some of you are thinking that you and Bobby Knight have this one pretty well licked. You have no trouble being angry.
But there is more to this skill. Be angry – and do not sin!
Three Species of Irascibility
According to Gregory of Nyssa [Nemesius, De Nat. Hom. xxi] ","
Anger called “Wrath”
having beginning and movement. In other words this kind of anger is the massive and violent volcanic explosion seen in an “out of control” person.
Anger called “Ill-will”
An anger that endures and grows old” Sullenness. Some people are just slow cookers. The anger simmers and simmers or it gets cold with time and congeals into resentment.
Anger called “Rancor”
Reckoning the time for vengeance – These people are stamp collectors. They save up every offence against them until there is enough saved to redeem and then they take vengeance. They collect straws until they have enough to break the camel’s back and to bust your chops.
Shall we have a show of hands? Maybe not but you are likely to express anger in one of these three ways – wrathfully, sullenly, or eventually.
Be Angry
26 When you are angry, do not sin, and be sure to stop being angry before the end of the day. 27 Do not give the devil a way to defeat you.
Ephesians 5:26
So how do you express anger appropriately? There is one more piece to this skill – and it is critically important.
Simply, “…Stop being angry before the end of the day.”
Anger is a God given – God designed emotion that should motivate you to deal with the problem that caused the anger and to do it in a timely fashion. Don’t let it explode, vent, simmer, fester or turn into resentment.
If anger is not expressed appropriately, it will wipe out relationships like a raging tidal wave or a crushing earthquake.
Phyllis Diller said it this way: “Why go to bed mad when you can stay up and fight!”
There’s a lot of wisdom in what God says here. If you are angry, you are responsible to take care of that anger before the day is through.
The Devils foothold
I challenge you to make a vow -- a commitment to not ever go to bed angry. He explained that the devil will take advantage of this if we don’t resolve our anger before you go to sleep each night.
Some of you have been giving the devil a foothold in your marriage by not dealing with your anger before you go to sleep. You’re like the husband who said, “My wife is not talking to me today and I’m in no mood to interrupt her.” If you carry anger over, you will give the devil an opportunity to do some bad stuff and bitterness will rise up like bile in your life. Someone has said that bitterness is a poison that you drink thinking you will kill your enemy.
Some of you married couples spend more nights on the couch and in a cold war the next day than you do sleeping together. This principle has application to all relationships. If you’re angry with someone, you need to take the necessary steps to deal with your anger before the day is through.
Relationships are hard enough on their own - they take a lot of work. Don’t give the devil an opportunity to drive a wedge between you. If you determine to resolve your anger before you go to sleep, you’ll take away one of his most strategic weapons.
Be Kind
29 When you talk, do not say harmful things, but say what people need—words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will do good to those who listen to you.
Ephesians 4:29
The first conflict resolution skill is to be honest. The second is to be angry. The third skill is to be kind.
The first part of verse 32 says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another...”
Some of you have no trouble being kind in your relationships. You really try to think of the other person first by determining to meet their needs on a regular basis. You watch your tongue and focus on saying kind things to your mate. You really want your spouse to feel secure and significant. Keep it up!
Others of you are pretty tough on your spouse -- you don’t really cut him or her any slack. Instead of looking to compliment, encourage and build up, you find yourself criticizing and cutting down. I’m convinced that the quickest way to bury your marriage is by using a lot of little digs.
Be Kind
5 to 1
In a 20-year study of 2,000 married couples, researchers have uncovered one important predictive factor in determining which couples will stay married for the long haul. If you want to have a Marathon Marriage then you need to work at maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative comments. Positive interactions like complimenting, smiling, and touching must outnumber negative comments like sarcasm or put-downs by a ratio of 5-to-1. (U.S. News and World Report, 2/21/94)
I’m going to speak to this issue including verbal and physical violence in greater detail this coming Sunday. For now let me suggest a couple of things.
Be Kind
Never use words like always or never.
You never take out the garbage” or “You always forget to pick up the kids” probably are not true statements -- and they certainly aren’t kind. In any case they tend to make the other person defensive and to stop listening to the rest of what you have to say.
Remember that God made you different from each other.
In the middle of a tense discussion sometimes is helps to say something like this, Not wrong, just different -- sometimes it helps to say it out loud!
When your spouse is doing something that you think is wrong, take the time to think about it. Chances are that it’s not really a moral issue (a matter of right or wrong); it may just be a different way of doing something.
Do use words like please and thank you.
We are often more polite to strangers than we are to our mates
Look into their eyes when you say something nice.
I have a theory as to why women paint their eyes with make up – It’s like they are saying – don’t look at my body – look at ME! Professor Hargrave at Great Lakes Bible College used to say that the eyes are windows to the soul. Learn to look at and to read your mate’s eyes when you talk with them.
Try it right now – look at your mate and look into their eyes – see right there you caught a glimpse of their soul! Pretty cool, huh?
Be Forgiving
32 Be kind and loving to each other, and forgive each other just as God forgave you in Christ.
Ephesians 4:32
If you want to have a marriage that lasts for the long haul, or if you want to have better relationships with the people in your life, you need to know how to have a good fight. You can do that by being honest, by being angry, and by being kind. The fourth skill to learn is to be forgiving. We see this in the last half of 4:32: “Forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
If you want to have a good fight, you need to remember that the goal is not to see who wins -- but to be reconciled. And, in order to put down your weapons, it’s important to learn the skill of forgiving and forgetting. You cannot forget until you forgive. It’s not automatic but the one definitely leads to the other.
An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant goes over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. The crocodile turns to the elephant and says, “What did you do that for?” The elephant answers, “That turtle bit me almost 50 years ago.” The crocodile can hardly believe it and says, “And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure have a good memory.”
“Yep,” says the elephant. “Turtle recall.”
In any relationship, there will be conflict. Sometimes it’s handled well, other times it isn’t. If you don’t develop the ability to forgive, you will not have a very good marriage, and you won’t experience growing friendships with others.
This passage ends with the phrase, “Just as in Christ God forgave you.” The best way to learn this skill is to experience first-hand the forgiveness that comes from confessing your moral shortcomings and sins to God. Once you taste the freedom that comes from having your sins forgiven, it will be easier for you to extend that same type of forgiveness to your spouse, your friends, your family members, and your co-workers.
To say it another way, you will be unable to forgive as God wants you to until you’ve experienced the kind of forgiveness that comes only as a result of God’s forgiving work in your own life.
Fight Fair!
I want to give you four action steps this morning.
Don’t be afraid to speak truth in love.
Don’t let your anger last any longer than the end of today.
Make a vow to not let anger fester. Deal with it before you go to sleep each night. Now that doesn’t mean you have to solve the problem that led to anger -- what it does mean is that you need to deal with the anger itself.
Practice “5 to 1” this week!
Encourage each other this week in your marriage and with your kids.
“5 to 1” should be the key to every relationship in your life – not just your marriage – but especially your marriage.
Stop being an person with TURTLE RECALL
Pray this prayer
God, I don’t want my relationships to unravel. And, I’m tired of just bottling things up or just blowing my top. I commit myself right now by vowing to deal with my anger before I go to sleep each night. Help me to develop the skills of being honest, being angry, being kind, and being a forgiver.
In Jesus name. Amen.
Can you pray this prayer? Say AMEN. Good now it’s your prayer! Let’s worship and praise God this morning.
