Counseling 101 Series

HoHum:

An engineer and a professional counselor meet for their 20th college reunion. The engineer says, “I’m surprised to see you looking so young. I’d have thought listening to people’s problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles?” The counselor says, “You think we listen?”

WBTU:

In my work as a hospice chaplain, I often have to employ counseling skills. However, even before I became a chaplain, many times I was the person that people would come and ask, “Can I speak with you in private about a problem I am having?”

Have a friend of mine who complains, “I am not a counselor but people keep coming to me with their problems. I wish they would go to a professional counselor.” Often suggest to people that they need to see a professional Christian counselor about this, but many times they refuse. Why?

There is a stigma against going to a professional counselor. “I am not crazy”

There is the issue of time, money and energy. Until their problem becomes unbearable, they will not take the effort to seek professional help.

So what do we do when we are in a counseling situation and we are not a professional counselor? Glad that you asked this question. Counseling for Amateurs or Counseling 101- summarizing much material from my education and experience to help us in those situations

Thesis: All Christian counseling needs to focus on James 1:19-20

For instances:

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone ...” James 1:19, NIV.

I am not a counseling kind of person- notice the verse: Take note of this, everyone should... Some are more inclinded for this than others but every Christian should strive to be this way

Might be sharing with someone who is not a Christian. All people matter to God and should matter to us. See the worth in this person who is asking for help. This is a person for whom Christ died and this person is coming to us for help. Every meeting with another person is a privilege. “Be wise in the way you act towards outsiders; make the most of every opportunity.” Colossians 4:5. Should be honored that God is using us in this way

Some words of caution: Make sure this is a person of the same gender, and no matter what they say never break confidentiality. The only exception to this is if they are going to harm themselves or someone else. Don’t want to be accomplices to suicide, murder or crime. Also, get permission from this person if going to tell spouse or someone else. Good rule is if they are telling us then we are going to talk about this with our spouse. Amateur counselors...

Take a deep breath- remember this is not a stranger, already have some connection to us because they are approaching us. Think of them as a friend and this friend wants help/listen

“...Everyone should be quick to listen” James 1:19, NIV.

Let them talk. Do not interrupt them. How many people get an opportunity to talk and really be heard. Get into a position where the attention is focused on them. Do not fiddle with cell phone or any other thing. Focus eyes on the one talking. If have somewhere to go let them know how much time we have so they can plan accordingly. If run out of time, let them know that we have to go but make an appointment with them to talk about this again. What they are dealing with is important to us.

Cultivate an awareness of our ignorance. There is much about this person that we don’t know. There is much about their problem that we do not know. Fight the temptation that we have this person or their problem all figured out. They might touch on an issue we have dealt with but fight the temptation to blurt out what we know or experienced. We need to be quiet for a while, and listen and wait.

Be comfortable with silence. Give this person time to gather their thoughts. Some can spout words like a fountain while others take time to complete a sentence. Do not rush them. Need to guard against the temptation to stop listening because we are thinking of a good response when they stop talking. 3 thoughts on when the person becomes silent:

Repeat some portions of what the person has just said. At first this seems silly but for many this opens them up. They are thinking that we really are listening and are taking in what they are saying. They are inclined to elaborate and say more. “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.” Proverbs 20:5, NIV. Had a counseling professor who said that if we want to get under the surface and draw people out, we need to stop asking questions. Had several counseling practicums where we were buzzed if we asked a question. Just repeat or summarize what they just said. What if they say, “Thanks Captain Obvious, that is what I just said,” then say something like, “Yes, I know but I am just trying to understand the details better” or “Tell me more about this or that...”