"Are Your Words Flames Or Flowers?”

If you do the research most marriage counselors will tell you that 85% of the problems they deal with in marriages today has to do with communication.

Some believe the reason for the problem with communication has to do with the difference between the male and female brain.

Illus: Did you hear about the patient's family who gathered to hear what the specialist had to say? He said to the family, "Things don't look good. The only chance for survival is a brain transplant.” And he continued, “The bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."

? The family said, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

? "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

? One of the women said, "Why the difference in the price between male brains and female brains?"

? The doctor said, "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."

There is definitely a difference in the way men think and the way women think. For instance:

? One man said, “The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, ‘What's on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’"

? One man said, “I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.”

Illus: The biggest problems we men have in communicating with our spouses is that we cannot understand this secret language women seem to have. For example-

? She says, “We need…” = She means. “I want…”

? She says, “Do what you want.” = She means, “You’ll pay for this later.”

? She says, “We need to talk.” = She means, “I need to complain.”

? She says, “I need wedding shoes.” = She means, “The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.”

? She says, “Hang the picture there.” = She means, “NO, I mean hang it there.”

? She says, “I heard a noise.” = She means, “I noticed you were almost asleep.”

? She says, “Do you love me?” = She means, “I’m going to ask for something expensive.”

? She says, “How much do you love me?” = She means, “I did something today you’re not going to like.”

? She says, “I’ll be ready in a minute.” = She means, “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.”

? She says, “You have to learn to communicate” = She means, “Just agree with me.”

? She says, “I’m sorry.” = She means, “You’ll be sorry.”

? She says, “Do you like this recipe?” = She means, “It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it.”

Without a doubt communication is one of the biggest problems in the home and society in which we live.

Illus: Did you know the average person spends one-fifth of his or her life talking? “That’s what the statistics say. If all of our words were put into print, the result would be this:

? A single day’s words would fill a 50-page book,

? While in a year’s time the average person’s words would fill 132 books of 200 pages each!

Among all those words there are bound to be some spoken in anger, carelessness, or haste.” (Today in the Word, June 15, 1992.)

Communication is so important that the scriptures have this to say about it:

? James 1:19-20, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”

? Proverbs 18:21, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.”

HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE? I want to mention three levels of communication.

(1) First, there is the FRIVOLOUS LEVEL.

That’s where we talk about the weather, sports, clothes, maybe just nonsense.

Somebody said, “People are frequently overheard saying nothing.”

(2) And then there is a DEEPER LEVEL.

This is when we talk about how we feel about various ideas, philosophies, and judgments.

This is when we open up our hearts and let somebody look in.

(3) And then there is the FREEDOM LEVEL.

That is the deepest level where we tell the other person everything. We don’t hold back anything; our hurts, our wounds, our dreads, our fears, our ideas, we can discuss completely and openly.

So to communicate as we should on all these levels we need to look again at what James says we should do in verse 19, that is, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”

It is important that we learn to communicate the way God would have us communicate.

James says good communication involves three levels.

I. FIRST OF ALL, WE ARE TO BE QUICK TO LISTEN.