If you do the research most marriage counselors will tell you that 85% of the problems they deal with in marriages today has to do with communication.
Some believe the reason for the problem with communication has to do with the difference between the male and female brain.
Illus: Did you hear about the patient's family who gathered to hear what the specialist had to say? He said to the family, "Things don't look good. The only chance for survival is a brain transplant.” And he continued, “The bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves."
? The family said, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
? "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."
? One of the women said, "Why the difference in the price between male brains and female brains?"
? The doctor said, "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used."
There is definitely a difference in the way men think and the way women think. For instance:
? One man said, “The last fight was my fault! My wife asked, ‘What's on the TV?’ I said, ‘Dust!’"
? One man said, “I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.”
Illus: The biggest problems we men have in communicating with our spouses is that we cannot understand this secret language women seem to have. For example-
? She says, “We need…” = She means. “I want…”
? She says, “Do what you want.” = She means, “You’ll pay for this later.”
? She says, “We need to talk.” = She means, “I need to complain.”
? She says, “I need wedding shoes.” = She means, “The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.”
? She says, “Hang the picture there.” = She means, “NO, I mean hang it there.”
? She says, “I heard a noise.” = She means, “I noticed you were almost asleep.”
? She says, “Do you love me?” = She means, “I’m going to ask for something expensive.”
? She says, “How much do you love me?” = She means, “I did something today you’re not going to like.”
? She says, “I’ll be ready in a minute.” = She means, “Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.”
? She says, “You have to learn to communicate” = She means, “Just agree with me.”
? She says, “I’m sorry.” = She means, “You’ll be sorry.”
? She says, “Do you like this recipe?” = She means, “It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it.”
Without a doubt communication is one of the biggest problems in the home and society in which we live.
Illus: Did you know the average person spends one-fifth of his or her life talking? “That’s what the statistics say. If all of our words were put into print, the result would be this:
? A single day’s words would fill a 50-page book,
? While in a year’s time the average person’s words would fill 132 books of 200 pages each!
Among all those words there are bound to be some spoken in anger, carelessness, or haste.” (Today in the Word, June 15, 1992.)
Communication is so important that the scriptures have this to say about it:
? James 1:19-20, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
? Proverbs 18:21, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue.”
HOW DO WE COMMUNICATE? I want to mention three levels of communication.
(1) First, there is the FRIVOLOUS LEVEL.
That’s where we talk about the weather, sports, clothes, maybe just nonsense.
Somebody said, “People are frequently overheard saying nothing.”
(2) And then there is a DEEPER LEVEL.
This is when we talk about how we feel about various ideas, philosophies, and judgments.
This is when we open up our hearts and let somebody look in.
(3) And then there is the FREEDOM LEVEL.
That is the deepest level where we tell the other person everything. We don’t hold back anything; our hurts, our wounds, our dreads, our fears, our ideas, we can discuss completely and openly.
So to communicate as we should on all these levels we need to look again at what James says we should do in verse 19, that is, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.”
It is important that we learn to communicate the way God would have us communicate.
James says good communication involves three levels.
I. FIRST OF ALL, WE ARE TO BE QUICK TO LISTEN.
Illus: Dale Carnegie says that, “You can make more friends in two weeks by becoming a good listener than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you.”
Illus: Sometimes we’re like the couple who were with some friends and the subject of marriage counseling came up. Mary said, “Oh, Tom and I
will never need counseling. We have a great relationship. He was a communications major from college and I majored in drama. He
communicates real well and I just act like I’m listening.”
People have things they want to say, they are saying, “Please…listen to me!” Who is saying this?
? Wives are saying this.
? Husbands are saying this.
? Teenagers are saying this.
? Children are saying this.
? Friends are saying this.
Many are saying to us, “PLEASE…LISTEN TO ME!”
Listening is an art. We must all learn that when people are talking, they should have our full, undivided attention. Why do you think God gave us two ears and only one mouth? I believe it could be because He wants us to listen more than we talk.
Now, again, sometimes it is hard for husbands and wives to communicate because men and women are different.
Illus: They were sitting on the front porch on the swing. It was a wonderful night. They were in love and, there across the valley, through the vale, was the little country church with the yellow light streaming out through the window. And the choir was practicing and the strains of the choir practice were echoing through the valley. And she was beautiful; he was handsome. They were very much in love. Beneath the porch were the crickets chirping. He, thinking about fishing, was listening to the crickets. She, romantically, was listening to the music.
? And she said to him, “Isn’t that the most beautiful thing you have ever heard?”
? He said, “They tell me they make that noise by rubbing their hind legs together.”
That is the difference between a man and woman. Sometimes we are not on the same page.
WHY DON’T WE LISTEN?
(1) Listening requires CONCENTRATION.
When you ask me to listen to you, you are saying I want you to concentrate on what I am going to say.
Illus: Dr. Odell Belger said, “After a hard day of study in the office and concentrating on this and that I want to come home and I want to rest. I do not want to concentrate on anything except MATT DILLON ON GUNSMOKE! I can watch him for an hour and put my mind in neutral and rest.”
It takes work to concentrate, so when our spouse wants us to listen we should make an effort to concentrate. Another reason it is difficult to listen is because-
(2) Listening requires PRIORITIES.
Listen, let’s be truthful there are times when people are talking to us that we do not care about what they are talking about…NOT A THING!
Illus: Now I am in church. I am a preacher. I am a Christian so I must tell the truth but I must confess there are things that my wife loves to talk about that while she talks I am there but I am not there. I have different priorities then hers. (Some of you men look at me like you are in shock. You rascals, you know you do the same thing!!!)
The bad thing about us husbands when we go into this “Lost In Space” mode she has learned a few things about body language and she is saying…”ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?” We lie and say, “Yes, I am listening” and repent later!!!
James says we need to learn to listen. The truth of the matter is we are all BETTER TALKERS than we are LISTENERS.
To have good communication in the home we need to learn how to LISTEN! (My wife is dying to say AMEN…SO GO AHEAD AND SAY HONEY!!!) But not only do we need to be swift to hear, also-
II. SECONDLY, WE ARE TO BE SLOW TO SPEAK.
Notice, the contrast:
? Swift to hear
? Slow To speak
The problem in our communication today we have this thing backwards.
? Slow to hear
? Swift to speak
Our mouths get us in trouble all the time…AMEN!!!
? Proverbs 10:19, “In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.”
-That is a good note to tape on the mirror for us men to read each morning.
-That is a good one to for the ladies to put on the refrigerator to read each day.
? Here is another one - Proverbs 17:27, “He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.”
? Here is another one - Proverbs 21:23, “Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue, keepeth his soul from troubles.”
? Here is another - Ecclesiastes 5:3, “For a dream cometh through the multitude of business; and a fool’s voice is known by the multitude of words.”
Illus: An old rabbi used to say that we have two ears given to us and one tongue. Our ears are open and exposed, our tongue is walled and behind our teeth. And he drew this conclusion, that we ought to listen twice as much as speak.
Now, let me tell you some mistakes that we make in our communication.
(1) Sometimes people play the JUDGE.
1 Corinthians 13, tells us that LOVE IS KIND. But sometimes we want to play Judge, Jury, and Executioner.
That is, instead of saying, “I believe this” some will say (or think):
? “You are getting a dose of your own medicine.”
? “You deserve a dose of your own medicine.”
Those are phrases that the judge will use. Don’t do it.
(2) Sometime people play the PROFESSOR.
Now maybe you won’t play the judge, maybe you play the professor.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 13, “THAT LOVE VAUNTETH NOT ITSELF.”
The professor acts superior. The professor talks down to the other person and his conversation is filled with constant putdowns.
? “That is stupid.”
? “If you had an ounce of brains, you would know that that is stupid.”
Illus: One man said to his wife:
? “How could you be so dumb and so beautiful at the same time?”
? She said, “God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and made me dumb so I would be attracted to you.”
When we play the JUDGE AND THE PROFESSOR we are headed for an argument and perhaps even the divorce court.
(3) Sometimes some play the PSCYCHOLOGIST.
The psychologist is always figuring out why the other people do what they do. They analyze the other individual.
? Let me tell you why you said what you said.
? Let me tell you why you did that.
The psychologist tries to get into other people’s hearts and analyze their motives and their thoughts when the Bible clearly forbids it and tells us not to judge one another. Only God can do that.
(4) Sometimes some play the HISTORIAN.
I Cor. 13, the Bible says, “LOVE THINKETH NO EVIL.”
The historian is always living in the past.
That is; sometimes you will be in the middle of a conversation and the person you are talking to will leave that subject and go back to something that happened yesterday, or last month, or ten years ago, or fifteen years ago.
Illus: One man said, “My wife gets historical.” He said, “You mean hysterical?” He said, “No, historical.”
That is, some have a communication problem because they will go back and bring up something that happened decades ago.
(5) Sometimes some will play the DICTATOR.
I Cor. 13, “LOVE SEEKETH NOT HER OWN.”
A person who wants to show force in his communication is a poor communicator.
Have you ever heard a person say,
? “I would not allow this.”
? “I demand that you do this or that.”
? “If you do that one more time, you are going to be sorry.”
Dictators are generally big bullies and they, knowing the wife is the weaker vessel, will do her harm physically and mentally.
Listen, a man that lays his hand on his wife deserves to have his neighbors drag him into the street have him beaten. HE IS NO MAN - HE IS A BIG BULLY!
Notice, to have good communication we should be…
? Swift to hear,
? Slow to Speak.
III. THIRDLY WE ARE TO BE “SLOW TO WRATH.”
Some folks are known to be HOT HEADS. At the drop of a hat they get angry. These folks generally have some serious health problems because God never designed these bodies to be used like this.
The Bible does not teach us we should not get angry.
WE JUST NEED TO LEARN TO GET ANGRY AT THE RIGHT THINGS.
The Bible says Jesus was moved with anger. Be angry for the right reason. There is GOOD ANGER and there is BAD ANGER.
God’s Word doesn’t say that we should not get angry. God’s Word says that we are to be slow to anger which leads to wrath. That is, you can be angry at the wrong done without being angry at the wrong doer.
Listen, the tongue is powerful!!!
? I have had people walk up to me and say nice things that put me on cloud nine!!!
? I have also had people walk up to me and say some unkind things to me that brought tears to my eyes.
How do we handle anger that leads to wrath?
(1) Some practice AVOIDANCE.
Has this ever happened in your home? You said to your wife, “What is wrong with you?” She says, “Nothing.”
You know something is wrong and she thinks the solution is avoidance.
Don’t avoid it, deal with it, even if you have to move into the stage of slow anger and get red in the face.
(2) Some practice APPEASMENT.
Appeasement is giving in, letting the other person always have his/her way, letting the other mate run over you and dominate.
One man said, “I lied on my tax returns; I signed the thing as the head of the house.”
Appeasement is dangerous. That is internalizing.
Illus: Dealing with conflict with appeasement is like a piece of dynamite with a long fuse that is burning. Eventually it is going to explode!
Not avoidance, not appeasement.
Now here are some things you can do.
(1) Number one, learn to accommodate.
Illus: A wise person said, “Getting married is like buying an old fashioned phonograph record. You buy it because you want what is on one side and you just accept what comes on the other side.”
People are different. And they may change. Love them, and they may change. But accept them if they never change. Practice accommodation.
(2) Practice adjustment.
My wife is one of these women that wakes up in the morning with this attitude it’s a wonderful morning. I wake up with the attitude, “Good Lord, it’s morning!
And rather having a war where both parties lose, we adjust - have a compromise where both gain.
Conclusion:
A woman who had a very serious throat condition went to the doctor. The doctor told her that her vocal cords needed total rest. She was forbidden to talk for 6 months! With a husband and 6 kids, this seemed impossible, but she did what she was told. Whenever she needed to communicate she wrote things on pads of paper. After six months, her voice came back. When asked what it was like to communicate only in writing, she said this: “You’d be surprised how many notes I crumpled up and threw into the trash before I gave them to anyone. Seeing my words before anyone heard them had an effect that I don’t think I can ever forget.”
A lot of husbands and wives would never speak some of the words they speak if they would take the time to write them first.
Try this experiment. For the next 48 hours, determine within yourself that you will speak only positive and hopeful things about your job, your children, your spouse, your health, your future, anything and everything that effects your life. It may be difficult at first, but see what results you get.
To communicate as we should as Christians, we should be:
I. SWIFT TO HEAR
II. SLOW TO SPEAK
III. SLOW TO WRATH
