The Paradox Of Victory Through Surrender

William Booth said: "The greatness of a man's power is the measure of his surrender." That statement is what you call a paradox. How can power flow from surrender? Keep that statement in the back of your mind as I share my story.

One of my first memories, was as a child, around age 4 or 5, looking up into the sky and wondering.. why do I exist? At the moment I felt the joy and discovery of new life. Yet the question remained: Why am I here?

Jump forward 10 years, and the first of a long journey downward began, with the destruction of my family, in a bitter, cold divorce. Suffering, strain, and sorrow have a way of refining the search for truth and meaning.

From right around that age, I began to increasingly see the evil and suffering in the world around me. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. Never could quite place it. But I knew one thing.. I wanted to save the world. Can anyone else relate to wanting to see a better world? (raise your hand)

And yet pain, and sorrow, and confusion. My family crumbling. What was the solution? As the family problems grew worse and worse, I had been given anti-depressants, and then anti-anxiety meds, and sleep meds. So I started taking pills. Pills led to alcohol. Alcohol, to cigarettes, cigarettes, to marijuana. Marijuana to other drugs. Depression grew.

Charges eventually began to accumulate. I was in jail several times. Placed on probation. Drunk driving charges. Drug charges.

Yet the search continued. Why am I here? What is my purpose? What is the solution to all the problems of the world? I read books, Henry Thoreau, Aldous Huxley, HG Wells, George Orwell, Lewis Carroll, and eventually began to study a great deal regarding politics, philosophy, and spirituality. I began attending college, and found an increasing interest in writing and journalism.

Yet the agony of life in those days was profound. It seemed like I went from blunder to blunder. I wept bitterly in a jail cell reading the book of Job over and over. I did drugs daily, and one night found myself laying on the road, in the middle of the night outside my house calling out "just do it, run me over." Incident after incident, new low after new low.

The darkness of those days I would fondly recall as the "year of no light" in my many pages of writing. Yet that year seemed to repeat over and over and over again. Eventually I gave my life the grim title "the repeating disaster." Because the same cycle seemed to repeat over and over.

I would write endless pages pondering the meaning of life. I would take walks in the middle of the night, sometimes every night, yearning for an answer, staring up at the stars, wondering how things might change.

How could I rise above? How could I escape the repeating disaster?

By age 27, I had lost all of my friends. My family had given up on me. I had been hospitalized in the emergency room twice for drug overdose. I recall one night in the emergency room ICU, the doctor came in and told me, we're not sure if you're going to make it through the night. Then he slammed the door. As if my life didn't matter. I burst out crying. My mother next to me, burst out crying. I felt an emptiness like I'd never experienced before. It was really over. I'm going to die.

I had been such a kind young man at one time. So full of life. So full of hope. So full of drive to change the world. But the problem was not just outside me. It was within me.

And I was a slave to addictions, and compulsions, and sins, chains that were not breakable. I had tried, the steel was too thick. I couldn't rise above. I could tread water for a while, but I always dipped under again.

During that last year I began carrying a Bible around with me as I wandered the city in constant despair and sadness. I read from Genesis again and again the story of Jacob. How he ran from his brother, ran from God, fled him out the days and nights in fear. Yet despite Jacob's failings, God pursued him, and showed him the stairway to heaven. Jacob wrestled with God, and admitted who he truly was before God. And God made a great man of him as a result.

And I read the gospel of John, over and over. It said..

"In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind." John 1:4

"the Word became flesh & dwelt among us & we have seen his glory" John1:14