The Foreigner Series

My name is Jezebel. I am a Phoenician princess, the daughter of Eshbaal, King of Sidon and the Queen of Israel, the strongest nation in the world from Assyria to Egypt. My father Eshbaal gave me in marriage to Ahab of Israel to strengthen the alliance between our two countries, because although we Sidonians were very rich we were too small to have any military power. It was really a dreadful comedown, because Israel was the most provincial little backwater imaginable. So I decided that I if I was going to live there I'd just have to make it my duty to enlighten the backward, ignorant hill people and bring them the benefits of the very finest modern Phoenician art and culture. You see, we Phoenicians were the merchants and explorers of the world. Our ships and sailors brought back goods and ideas from all parts of the world, and we always heard everything new and had everything new before anyone else did. I was simply determined that during Ahab's and my reign Israel would become even more splendid and up-to-date than Sidon. Ahab's capital Samaria had a lot of potential. It was brand new, though; Ahab's father Omri had built it only a generation before, and it was still pretty raw and unfinished. It was just made for a woman of my talents to transform, and I was absolutely determined that I, Queen Jezebel, would turn it into a show¬piece that would be talked about from Memphis to Babylon.

The very first thing we had to do, of course, was get the gods on our side. Would you believe it, there wasn't a single temple to Ba'al in the entire city? And there wasn't even one sacred grove on the slopes of Mt. Ebal. What the goddess Ashteroth thought I have no idea, but I myself was simply shocked. I just couldn't believe it. Apparently a lot of those country bumpkins still worshipped some sour-faced old-fashioned god named YHWH (I ask you - what kind of a name is that?) or as some people called him "the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." Anyway, he disapproved of everything I wanted to do and his priests did nothing but make trouble. There was this wild-eyed scruffy disreputable sort of fellow running around who actually thought he could give orders to King Ahab and me! His name was Elijah. He didn't come into town very often, though, so mostly we just ignored him. After all, what did the ignorant back-country peasant superstitions have to do with us?

At least that's what I thought. And of course in any really civilized country I would have been right. But then we had this drought. Now, droughts happen all the time, right? And what you do is, you buy grain from Egypt and dole out enough to keep the people from either starving or rebelling, and put on a lot of big showy supplication services at the temple, with plenty of wine and dancing to keep morale up. And pretty soon it rains again and everything goes back to normal.

But no. This kook Elijah decides to take advantage of the situation and goes up and down the country announcing that this - this - this YHWH of his was punishing the country for paying a little decent respect to Ba'al, and that it wouldn't rain again until he, Elijah, said it would. Well, I ask you. Who would believe a thing like that? But then the local contingent of YHWH-ist fanatics started stirring up the crowds against Ahab and me, right there in Samaria. What a nerve! So I had my personal bodyguard round them up and bring them in and had them all beheaded for treason, and that was the end of THAT little disturbance. Ahab got a little bent out of shape, though.

Ahab: Jezebel, you didn't even check with me first.

Jezebel: Ahab, there just wasn't time. You have to nip these things in the bud or they get out of hand.

Ahab: I don't know, Jez, we've got a custom here about public trials and due process and things like that - I know it's a bit of a nuisance but the people are kind of attached to their traditions.

Jezebel: Oh, pooh! Who cares about tradition? And who's king anyway, you or them? Show a little resolu¬ton. Stand up to them! They'll respect you for it. It takes a firm hand to keep the masses in control.

But in the meantime, Elijah was still stirring up trouble out in the boonies. And the next thing you know, he staged this demonstration up on Mt. Carmel that was supposed to be some kind of contest between Ba'al and YHWH.

Ahab: You know, Jez, that big rally Elijah called over on Mt. Carmel that there's been such a big fuss about lately?