My name is Jezebel. I am a Phoenician princess, the daughter of Eshbaal, King of Sidon and the Queen of Israel, the strongest nation in the world from Assyria to Egypt. My father Eshbaal gave me in marriage to Ahab of Israel to strengthen the alliance between our two countries, because although we Sidonians were very rich we were too small to have any military power. It was really a dreadful comedown, because Israel was the most provincial little backwater imaginable. So I decided that I if I was going to live there I'd just have to make it my duty to enlighten the backward, ignorant hill people and bring them the benefits of the very finest modern Phoenician art and culture. You see, we Phoenicians were the merchants and explorers of the world. Our ships and sailors brought back goods and ideas from all parts of the world, and we always heard everything new and had everything new before anyone else did. I was simply determined that during Ahab's and my reign Israel would become even more splendid and up-to-date than Sidon. Ahab's capital Samaria had a lot of potential. It was brand new, though; Ahab's father Omri had built it only a generation before, and it was still pretty raw and unfinished. It was just made for a woman of my talents to transform, and I was absolutely determined that I, Queen Jezebel, would turn it into a show¬piece that would be talked about from Memphis to Babylon.
The very first thing we had to do, of course, was get the gods on our side. Would you believe it, there wasn't a single temple to Ba'al in the entire city? And there wasn't even one sacred grove on the slopes of Mt. Ebal. What the goddess Ashteroth thought I have no idea, but I myself was simply shocked. I just couldn't believe it. Apparently a lot of those country bumpkins still worshipped some sour-faced old-fashioned god named YHWH (I ask you - what kind of a name is that?) or as some people called him "the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob." Anyway, he disapproved of everything I wanted to do and his priests did nothing but make trouble. There was this wild-eyed scruffy disreputable sort of fellow running around who actually thought he could give orders to King Ahab and me! His name was Elijah. He didn't come into town very often, though, so mostly we just ignored him. After all, what did the ignorant back-country peasant superstitions have to do with us?
At least that's what I thought. And of course in any really civilized country I would have been right. But then we had this drought. Now, droughts happen all the time, right? And what you do is, you buy grain from Egypt and dole out enough to keep the people from either starving or rebelling, and put on a lot of big showy supplication services at the temple, with plenty of wine and dancing to keep morale up. And pretty soon it rains again and everything goes back to normal.
But no. This kook Elijah decides to take advantage of the situation and goes up and down the country announcing that this - this - this YHWH of his was punishing the country for paying a little decent respect to Ba'al, and that it wouldn't rain again until he, Elijah, said it would. Well, I ask you. Who would believe a thing like that? But then the local contingent of YHWH-ist fanatics started stirring up the crowds against Ahab and me, right there in Samaria. What a nerve! So I had my personal bodyguard round them up and bring them in and had them all beheaded for treason, and that was the end of THAT little disturbance. Ahab got a little bent out of shape, though.
Ahab: Jezebel, you didn't even check with me first.
Jezebel: Ahab, there just wasn't time. You have to nip these things in the bud or they get out of hand.
Ahab: I don't know, Jez, we've got a custom here about public trials and due process and things like that - I know it's a bit of a nuisance but the people are kind of attached to their traditions.
Jezebel: Oh, pooh! Who cares about tradition? And who's king anyway, you or them? Show a little resolu¬ton. Stand up to them! They'll respect you for it. It takes a firm hand to keep the masses in control.
But in the meantime, Elijah was still stirring up trouble out in the boonies. And the next thing you know, he staged this demonstration up on Mt. Carmel that was supposed to be some kind of contest between Ba'al and YHWH.
Ahab: You know, Jez, that big rally Elijah called over on Mt. Carmel that there's been such a big fuss about lately?
Jezebel: Yeah, what about it?
Ahab: Elijah won - I mean, his sacrifices got burnt up but Ba'al's didn't.
Jezebel: Hmmm... maybe we should send down to Egypt for some magicians and stage a show of our own.
Ahab: I'm getting nervous about this fellow. There could be more trouble. There's already been one riot; all 450 priests of Ba'al were killed.
Jezebel: You're right. We can't ignore that. I'll take care of it.
Ahab: Well, if you say so.
That was just too much, you know. Tolerance can only go so far. When a nut like that gets the bit in his teeth and starts thinking he can push the government around, who knows where it will all end? You just can't have religious fanatics going around breaking the law and claiming that God told them to do it. So I sent a messenger to Elijah telling him his days were numbered. And sure enough - he collapsed like a burst balloon and ran for his life.
It did start to rain again, but I'm sure that was just a coincidence.
Well, the next thing that happened was that the king of Aram (what you call Syria), whose name was Ben Hadad, decided to make war on Israel. Aram is just to the northeast of Israel and we've been fighting one another off and on for generations. It's sort of like your World Series only the stakes are higher. The border moves back and forth between Aram and Israel every few years like a yo-yo. But this year I just knew we'd win. Weren't we more powerful than ever? Wasn't Ahab the best war commander in Canaan? And hadn't Ahab and I just showed that Elijah that we couldn't be pushed around? You just have to have conviction and show a little leadership, said I to myself. That's the secret of a successful monarchy. And that's what happened. At first it looked as if things were going bad for our side, but then there was a big battle in the Valley of Aphek and the Israelite army just rolled right over the Aramaeans. Ben Hadad, their king, was taken prisoner and brought into Samaria.
Ahab: Jez, I think I can negotiate a pretty good deal with this guy. Whaddaya say we let him go if he gives Israel everything from Galilee to Damascus?
Jezebel: That sounds about right. It increases our territory about 50 percent and gives us the Golan Heights and control over the Mt. Hermon water rights. I'd say go for it.
Ahab: A couple of my advisors have been muttering that we ought to kill him instead of negotiating.
Jezebel: What utter nonsense! This isn't a holy war, it's a hard-headed matter of economic reality and Israel's national interest. We don't have to kill Ben Hadad to get what we want; we just defang him, turn a tidy profit on the deal, and gain a reputation for mercy that we can use later on to encourage future enemies to surrender instead of fighting to the end. I think it's a smart move.
Ahab: Okay, then. I'll go ahead with it.
After the war was over Ahab fell into a slump. I think he needed some exercise or maybe a hobby or something. He was probably mostly bored. Ahab was always happiest in the field with his army; his reputation as a military commander had spread from Aram all the way down to Egypt. Why, even Jehosaphat of Judah wanted to form an alliance with us. So when Ahab fell into this depression and lost his appetite and wouldn't even get out of bed I just had to do something.
Jezebel: Ahab, what about that vineyard next to the palace in Jezreel that you wanted to buy? You were really excited about that for a while.
Ahab: Naboth won't sell.
Jezebel: Well, double your offer.
Ahab: It's not the money. He says YHWH gave the land to his ancestors and that it would be sacreligious to sell it.
Jezebel: Not that again! I thought we were done with all that superstitious balderdash. And you knuckled under. Honestly, Ahab, haven't you learned anything? You can't let them get away with this kind of defiance. Are you the king or aren't you? How dare this little nobody think he can refuse you to your face? Who does he think he is? Oh, go back to bed. I'll take care of it for you.
So I wrote to the elders and nobles of Jezreel and we cooked up a nice little trial, all legal and above-board, with two very con¬vincing and well-paid witnesses to accuse Naboth of blasphemy and slander against the king. He was taken out and stoned to death, and that was the end of that. I had learned to do it all according to their law, so that nobody could point fingers and accuse me of taking shortcuts the way Ahab had done over the matter of the priests. And POOF! The vineyard was Ahab's. No little nobody is going to stand in the way of the King of Israel, at least not as long as I am Queen. But then when Ahab came back from in¬specting the vineyard he went into an even worse depression than before. He tore his clothes and went around in sackcloth and ashes and refused to eat again.
Jezebel: Okay, Ahab, what is it this time?
Ahab: Elijah's back.
Jezebel: No kidding. Well, so what?
Ahab: He told me that YHWH is going to destroy my house and that the dogs are going to eat us both.
Jezebel: And you believed him? Ahab, what are you, a man or a mouse? Why didn't you just stand up to him? He would have run away like last time if you'd just showed a little gumption. Now that he thinks he's got the upper hand and can push you around he's going to be a whole lot harder to get rid of. What were you thinking of? You are the king, for goodness' sake. You should have had him thrown into jail! Am I the only one around here with any backbone? What is it about this crazy yokel that has you so buffaloed?
Ahab: Jez, this guy has something. I don't know, maybe we should listen to him.
Jezebel: Over my dead body!
Well, I must say, that had me worried. If Ahab was intimidated by this wild-eyed fanatic he could fall apart at any moment. And right then would be a bad time for him to come unglued because he was leading Israel's troops out to help Judah's king Jehosaphat get one of his cities back. But I'd done what I could. All I could do now was hope that being out in the field with the army would put a little starch back in his spine. It's so unfair! I had to stay back in Samaria twiddling my thumbs while disaster was brewing just because I'm a woman. I just knew something dreadful was going to happen.
And it did. Ahab was killed at Ramoth Gilead, and things were never the same after that. My son Ahaziah became king, and he was shaping up just fine until he had a fall and died, and my son Joram who succeeded him was just like his father, wishy-washy. He kept trying to compromise with the YHWH-ists instead of showing them who's boss. Well, I won't compromise. I won't back down and I won't give in. No matter what.
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EPILOGUE:
Jezebel's son Joram was killed by Jehu, who had been appointed by Elijah to destroy Ahab's line, and Joram's body was thrown into Naboth's vineyard in Jezreel for the dogs to eat, just as Elijah had prophesied. And when Jehu entered Samaria he had his officials thrown Jezebel down from her bedchamber into the courtyard, where the horses trampled her to death, and the dogs ate what was left, just as Elijah had prophesied.
Jezebel thought that power and money were everything, and that she could even make God do her bidding. But no matter how high you go in the world, or how rich you get, God is still in charge. Nothing changes that. Jezebel was given many chances to witness demonstrations of God's power, but she was unwilling to see what was right in front of her eyes, because it would have cost her more than she was willing to pay. She would have had to admit that there were some things she could not do, and some things she could not have, simply because they were wrong. She refused to learn, and it killed her.
