Shut Down

I ended up at the mall. I don’t know why I chose the mall, but it seemed like a logical place to go. I just stormed out of the house, got into my car and started driving. I had only been in town a few months and really didn’t know anywhere else to go. I had to get away from all my problems and the challenges of the day.

If you are trying to get away from it all, let me tell you – the mall is not a good place to go. There amongst hundreds of noisy shoppers, teenagers of every shape and size, mothers pulling crying children, and so forth, I wanted to find solitude to feel sorry for myself and tell God how unfair He was.

You have to understand why I ran to the mall from home that day. Earlier, I had to make what seemed like a really tough choice at the time. I had a part-time job that I enjoyed very much in the television industry. The job had great potential for growth and career advancement; however, the job interfered with the family.

I had to pick up the kids each day; take my husband to work (we had only one car), go to church two times a week, work in various ministries in the church, workout at least three days a week (just to keep that girlish figure), cook dinner each evening, and a host of other things. At first, the part-time job fitted into the schedule very well. But over time, it became overwhelming, trying to balance between family and work. I had to choose – the job or my family?

To be honest, at first I wanted to be selfish. Why not? I had stayed home with the kids long enough. They were both now in elementary school and they really didn’t need me anymore. I had a great day care provider and they were in school many hours doing the day. I could be a typical woman of the times and work and send the kids to day care and juggle the housework. If I let the job go, then I would be giving in again and losing out on the things I wanted to do. If many of my friends and associates could juggle career and family, why couldn’t I? Why was I always having problems when I tried to work and take care of my family at the same time? My decision time was here – job or family? With much regret at the time, I resigned from the job.

Since I was at the mall and angry that I was not having what I wanted out of life, I felt I might as well shop. Shopping always made me feel better and help me to forget about my present problems. For the next hour or two, I would forget every problem I ever had and spend, spend, spend. I thought about the dress and shoes I had my eyes on over the last few weeks in my favorite store at the mall. I decided that if I couldn’t have career and family, I would at least have something I really wanted!

I realized, however, that I only had $.95 in change in my purse. I don’t know if you’ve been to the mall lately, but $.95 is not enough to buy much. I fanatically looked for an Automated Teller Machine (ATM) that could take care of my money woes. I put my ATM card in the machine with the anticipation that I would soon have money to spend. I thought, “Now God, I can have what I want and not even you can stop this. I can have it for me and me alone!” It seems as though God heard this anguish, selfish cry. All of a sudden the ATM screen went to a black background with bold green letter that said, “SORRY, CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE!” It was SHUT DOWN! Here I was at the mall with hundreds of shopper and NO money. I felt just like the bank machine, “closed for maintenance”.

Filled with dismay and disappointment, (and really angry with God and everyone in my life), I left the mall. A river of tears streamed down my face. I begin to think how “nothing ever works out for me.” I begin to ask God what he wanted me to do and why the job didn’t work out. Talking about having a pity party (I was the only attendee)! I got into my car and reminded Him that I was his child and he promised to give me the petitions that I asked! Suddenly, I heard a still small voice speak to me:

“My thoughts are not your thoughts and my ways are not your ways”. (Isaiah 55:8)