Sex-Wise: Captivated Or Captive?

Ellen Gigliotti is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I asked her for some practical ideas on how spouses should be captivated by each other. I’ll just mention two of her suggestions:

• You must find a way to spend time together. You give time and attention to the kids, the job, the hobbies, the friends, and fail to be alone together. Go on a date. There are all kinds of excuses for why that doesn’t happen: she’s exhausted by the kids, he doesn’t want to spend money, but unless you invest effort and time, and even money, you won’t be captivated with each other.

• You must touch each other. Touching often decreases with marriage, but that contact is vital. Touching releases endorphins that make you feel better, and make you want to touch more. Touching must happen all the time, not merely when you want sex. Husbands, touch her often enough that she is no longer suspicious and nervous every time you do. That includes kissing. Once you stop dating and get married, kissing tends to stop. Husbands and wives, try to kiss for 30 seconds. Amy and I kiss good-bye and good-night every day, and all those kisses probably don’t add up to 30 seconds. The first time we heard the advice to kiss for that long for no reason, we couldn’t do it because we both kept laughing. But if you are going to be captivated by your spouse, you need to go back to doing all the stuff you did before you were married.

Be captivated by your spouse, or you will become captive to something else. So what are you going to do? Husbands, what one thing could you do to be captivated by her? Wives, what one thing could you do? Take the focus off of what you need, and replace it with what your spouse needs. Take the focus off the kids or your job, and put it on your marriage. Some of you are captive to that something else. It might be another person, it might be a fantasy, it might be porn. Today is the day God is calling you to repent, turn away from that to him. There is no sin he cannot forgive and no life he cannot change. The power of forgiveness and transformation is in the risen Jesus. On the cross, his death paid for your sin and mine. His resurrection guaranteed the victory, new life that comes to those who are in Christ. Give yourself to him. Throw yourself on his mercy, believe and confess Jesus as Lord, and you will be rescued from your lost condition. Some of you who already believe have allowed yourself to be trapped in sinful behavior. You’ve been snared, captured by what you know is wrong. God is calling you to turn from that and live up to who he made you to be. “Christ gave his life to free us from every kind of sin…” Titus 2:12.

Pastor Mark Driscoll has a best-selling book out called Real Marriage. He writes that at the time he became a Christian, he and girlfriend Grace were sleeping together. Mark attended a Bible study, and the Pastor taught about the sin of fornication. Mark says, “That f-word was new to me. It sounded as if he was saying sex with a girlfriend you loved and planned to marry was wrong. I thought, Of course he doesn’t mean that. So I told the pastor I had a “friend” I was afraid might be fornicating and wanted to double-check what fornication was. He took me to the Bible, where I realized I was a sinful fornicator. To be honest, fornicating was fun. I liked fornicating. To stop fornicating was not fun. But Grace and I stopped, and were later married. I assumed that once we were married we would simply pick up where we left off sexually with a relationship done God’s way. But God’s way was a total bummer. My previously free and fun girlfriend was suddenly a frigid and fearful wife. Before long I was bitter against God and Grace.” It took years before Mark and Grace discovered what was wrong. She was an assault victim who had never told anyone of the abuse she had suffered. Mark was overbearing, boorish, angry, and harsh. Not the kind of husband she could trust or confide in. They repented, committed to work on their relationship with Jesus and each other. They write: “We are now closer than ever and have a very healthy sex life. By God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power, we got a new marriage with the same spouses.” How about you? Whether you are a fornicator, or are struggling to be abstinent, whether you’ve failed at marriage, or are ready for a new marriage with the same spouse, that power is available to you.