The last time I did a series on sex was over 5 years ago. If you are married, and can count the number of times you’ve had sex since then, there might be a problem. If you aren’t married and can’t count the number of times you’ve had sex since then, there might be a problem. Why another series on sex? Dealing with our sexual lives is an issue at any age and life-stage. God made us as sexual beings, and how we behave sexually is a spiritual issue. Since we live in a sex-obsessed society, it is a challenge to keep the right perspective.
In 2009, a study explored the effects of pornography on marriage, children, and individuals. The primary source for the information came from divorce lawyers. Citing the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, the study noted that 56% of divorce cases involved "one party having an obsessive interest in pornographic websites." 68% of divorce cases involve one spouse having an affair with someone they met over the internet.
That illustrates just a couple of the many challenges faced by every single one of us. We are trying to navigate the lure of pornography, the message of “Friends with Benefits,” the routine of married sex, the culture of adultery, the sacrifice of abstinence, the preoccupation with lust and fantasy, and the basic inability of men and women to understand each other. Few admit it, but many of us are challenged by the temptations of lust and infidelity and inappropriate intimacy. Students face incredible pressures and expectations about sex, far beyond anything I went through as a teen. The soaring rate of divorce has caused great concern in young adults enough to postpone marriage later and later, or avoid it all together. But that seldom includes postponing sex. Those who get married might have an expectation of an incredible sex-life, and trouble-free relationship. Then become disillusioned with the quality or frequency or boredom of sex in marriage. This contributes to divorce as they seek another partner who brings excitement. Then there are those who stay married and don’t cheat, but who an informal peace agreement, where they seldom, if ever, have sex. It is no longer part of the relationship. When you mix in factors such as the instant availability of every kind of pornography, the ease of finding sexual partners through social networking, and it is no wonder that these are difficult days. So over the next several weeks, we are going to listen to biblical wisdom on sex. I’ve called the series Sex-Wise, because it comes from the OT wisdom book of Proverbs. Proverbs was written by King Solomon, a man who had all kinds of sexual encounters.
In Proverbs 5, King Solomon talks about seduction and infidelity. The wisdom he gives relates to sexual temptation and to the marriage relationship. Solomon writes as a father to his son and offers an antidote to sexual temptation. We are all his children today as we hear this wisdom from God.
v.15 “The cistern” represents the son's wife, with "water" symbolizing the sexual satisfaction she is capable of supplying. This is the first of several metaphors. The wife is a storehouse of sexual satisfaction. The antidote to sexual temptation, to promiscuity is to enjoy the sexual satisfaction marriage offers. You might say, “That’s the whole problem. My marriage doesn’t offer any of that. There’s not enough sex, or it’s no good.” Others of you might think: I’m not married, so does that mean I can’t have sexual satisfaction?” Biblical wisdom says: GOD’S PEOPLE DRINK AT HOME. Don’t satisfy your thirst in the street, which means outside of marriage. Husbands, rather than drinking your fill with another woman, drink at home. Wives, instead of indulging your fantasies with another man, drink at home. There is a reservoir there for you. God created marriage to be the well, the source where sexual thirst is quenched. Not on images or fantasies, not in dating relationships or affairs, hook ups or serial monogamy. As the Proverb progresses notice that the metaphor keeps changing. Even v.15 shifts from a cistern—which simply catches runoff water—to a well. The difference is the well contains fresh water supplied by underground streams.
Men, after you’ve been married awhile, you can be stuck on the idea of your wife as the familiar cistern that contains the same old water. But the proverb says the wife is capable of more than that. Fresh water can flow from far below the surface. You might be making it very difficult to reach that fresh water, but it is there. Biblical wisdom says you can draw from more than what you imagine, beyond what you see, and find satisfaction. If there is a lack of freshness in your marriage, if there is a lack of sexual satisfaction, you can solve that without finding a different well or new cistern. If you don’t, here is the caution.
v.16 See how the metaphor is transformed again? The image of a well is now a natural fountain from which streams flow. The spouse must be viewed as more than a receptacle where satisfying water is found. The marriage partner is more than a source from which you draw fresh water. She is like a bubbling fountain that produces streams of sexual satisfaction. There is another difference between stream and a well. A spring or stream is something God produces, whereas cisterns and wells are manmade. Biblical wisdom is that you can move beyond the obvious, the ordinary, the predictable, the manmade, and discover God-given sexual satisfaction through marriage. It is quite possible that even if you have been married for decades or married more than once, you haven’t discovered the truth of this principle. Your sexual reality may be merely the surface, the groundwater of what it should be. These words emphasize the spouse’s capacity to satisfy. Solomon pictures "springs" and "streams of water" flowing through the streets and public places. It is a warning. If the spouse does not take advantage of the thirst-quenching satisfaction found in married sex, it could overflow into the streets. If you don’t drink at home, the tide of sexual passion could flood outside of marriage, to other outlets, other people. Don’t let this happen. (There is a website that promotes affairs. For a fee, you can connect with someone who is married and willing to cheat. I won’t give the web site publicity by telling you the name. The company CEO said: "humans aren't meant to be monogamous." But when he was asked how he would feel if his wife used the site? He said: "I would be devastated." The website now has 8.5 million users. So it is entirely possible that some in this room are among them. What I found interesting are the two times when there is the most traffic to the website. Just after Father's Day, when men feel most unappreciated, and Valentine's Day, when women feel most unappreciated.) When you fail to appreciate your spouse there is great danger.
v.17 It is not like we have limited amounts of sexual energy. One could take many partners, but streams of sexual satisfaction belong only to the spouse. They are off-limits to others. In this context a stranger is anyone other than your spouse. The December 5th issue of Newsweek, dealt with people whose lives are controlled by sexual compulsions. One 30-year-old executive talked about juggling multiple relationships. He discovered he could usually get his partners into bed on the first date—sometimes within the first hour of meeting. He said, “And these weren’t desperate women.” Sexual fidelity and restraint is an ever more foreign concept in our world, but it is biblical wisdom. Solomon says sexual satisfaction is found in your spouse. So since that is true, why then do so many marriages disintegrate over sexual issues? For instance, Bob was bored with his wife, Sally. She doesn’t thrill him, doesn’t give him enough sex. Years of marriage became a dull routine. Bob became attracted to a woman at work. When he complained that his wife didn’t understand him, this co-worker was sympathetic. She herself is divorced because her husband left her for a younger woman. This co-worker is not as good looking as Sally, but the sex is hot and Bob is hooked, and eventually he and Sally get divorced. After grieving for awhile, Sally joins Match.com and meets someone who is enamored with her. They have an intense connection, which quickly becomes intimate, and Sally experiences sexual pleasure like she had not felt in years. Why is that? Well, you say, it’s a simple matter of the excitement of someone new. Yes, that certainly does break up monotony. But what happens when that excitement fades? And more importantly, why did another man find in Sally what Bob said she no longer possessed? How could Bob give to another woman what he no longer was interested in offering Sally?
Biblical wisdom says there is something deeper and satisfying under the surface with your spouse. Just because you don’t discover it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Solomon says don’t lose sight of this reservoir of sexual satisfaction that is at home. Don’t ignore it. Don’t mistreat it. Don’t lose it. With this spring-fed fountain reserved just for you, why would you seek sexual pleasure anywhere else? If you are unmarried and have sexual desires, this concept should motivate you toward marriage. There is an unending supply of sexual delight found within a proper marriage relationship. Next Solomon gives a blessing to the son and his wife.
vv.18-19 “Your fountain.” That is the forceful, flowing fresh source of sexual satisfaction that is in your wife. Her body is capable of captivating you. I can hear the objections: “You haven’t seen my wife.” “My husband is a selfish animal.” “She’s not interested.” “Sexual satisfaction dried up long ago.” “If I look at him the wrong way, he’s all over me.” But notice that Solomon actually asks God’s blessing, so that couple might experience genuine sexual pleasure. Has anyone ever prayed that blessing over you? In all the weddings I have performed or attended, that has never happened. Husbands, have you ever prayed such a blessing over your wife? Notice that the blessing involves rejoicing, not over your young wife, but the wife of your youth. “Rejoicing” involves celebration, happiness, it describes noise from a party heard far away (Neh. 12:43) Delight in her. Fawn over him. Sing her praises. Adore his character. Don’t celebrate her youth, but her love.
vv.20-21 The proverb makes the point that having sex outside marriage is foolish because it can never be done in secret. God himself is always watching and evaluating "all" that a person does. Because God prohibits adultery and punishes those who rebel against his moral standards, adultery is self-destructive. Let’s explore this word “captivated.” Hebrew=shawgaw. It is a warning not to be sexually captivated by anyone else. What interests me is that of the 21 times it appears in the OT, it almost always has a negative meaning. Shawgaw refers to sheep wandering away, lost, disoriented. Shawgaw refers to someone who is inebriated, intoxicated to the extent that he weaves, swears, meanders aimlessly. Shawgaw refers to being deceived in sin and going the wrong direction. That negative meaning is easy to see for the adulteress. Don’t get drunk on the charms of another woman. Don’t wander off after the other man. Don’t get disoriented and chase adultery or pornography. But remember, biblical wisdom calls for the husband to be captivated by the wife, v.19. What does that mean?
Find a way to be captivated by your spouse, or you will become captive to something else. Intoxication with another person is something I see all the time. An emotional affair, sexual affair, a porn addiction all carry the same type of intoxication. I’ve talked with guys having affairs and it is just like they are on crack. All he can see is this other woman, or his lust. It blinds him to all else. I’ve seen the same intoxication in women. There is this far-off look in their eyes where all they can see is this exciting new partner, or new freedom. There is a glaze of euphoria that blocks out all reason. When someone is at that stage it seems humanly impossible to snap them out of it. It is a deception that overpowers all rationality, all flaws, all penalties. They are deceived, inebriated, disoriented by lust, fantasy, ecstasy. Solomon says there is a way to avoid that trap. Work at being intoxicated by your spouse. Men, lust for your wife in a way that motivates you to sacrifice for her, treasure her, and pursue her no matter what. Women, lust for your husband in a way that overwhelms the flaws, overpowers the annoyances, and overcomes the boredom.
FIDELITY IS NOT JUST A STOP SIGN, IT IS A GREEN LIGHT. You women might say, “I’m faithful, I never look at another man.” You men might say, “I’m faithful, I might look, but I haven’t touched another woman.” Fidelity is more than saying no, it is also saying yes. It is more than a stop sign. Here is the mistake I see men make after being caught in infidelity, they may turn away from the other woman, they may stop going to the strip club, or watching porn, but they don’t do much about turning toward the wife. They think, “I’ve stopped doing anything, so I’m faithful.” And I’ve seen women who stop the relationship with their lover, but don’t completely give themselves back to the husband. They think, “I’ve ended my affair, I’ve sacrificed to save my marriage. I’ll endure till the bitter end.” But fidelity is not just what you don’t do, it is what you do. Men, complete fidelity means you have an ongoing captivation with your wife. Women, complete fidelity means having an ongoing captivation with your husband. Look what happens if you don’t.
vv.22-23 Sexual sin captures you like a trap. You are seized, handcuffed, tied up to this sin. Your lack of discipline leads you away from the path of wisdom and life. Sexual expression outside of marriage is life-draining; inside of marriage it is life-giving. Proverbial wisdom is that marital fidelity is the only wise course to follow, for God has ordered the world in such a way that sexual promiscuity destroys the sinner. How? It binds you to something else. It overpowers your senses. It takes you in the wrong direction. It wastes the precious resources of your spouse, or turns them loose elsewhere. Find a way to be captivated by your spouse, or you will become captive to something else. Men, being captivated means you keep learning about her and cherishing her. Women, being captivated means you don’t allow yourself to fantasize about someone else, you fantasize about him. And that is a struggle because men and women are different.
The following quotes represent two journal entries as a wife and her husband reflect on the same day's events:
Her Journal:
Tonight, he was acting weird. We met at a nice restaurant for dinner. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet and talk. He agreed, but didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. When we got home, he just sat and watched TV. He was distant and absent. Finally, I went to bed. I don't know what to do.
His Journal:
Rough day. Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.
Such differences are part of the reason why fidelity is seen as unrealistic in our society. Recently, Psychology Today labeled monogamy “impossible.” But Proverbs says faithfulness in marriage is not an unreasonable demand. Husband, you are called to a permanent captivation with your wife’s body and love. (In a sermon a few months ago I mentioned the need to pursue your spouse. Afterward I was talking with a couple of friends and the husband said, “I’m going home and taking your advice this afternoon.” And his wife said to me: “Thanks a lot.” Now they were kidding, but I know that for many of you men, when you hear me say pursue your wife you think “pursue sex.” But I mean pursue her. There is a big difference. If you don’t pursue, you aren’t going to have a good sex life.) But a fascination and captivation with your spouse, releases an overflowing fountain of sexual satisfaction. Your spouse is more than enough to satisfy, but must be cherished. Failure to cherish, understand, and desire, leads to other attractions. One of those easier fixes is porn. It delivers a hit to the pleasure centers of the brain, without the effort of working at a relationship. It can easily becoming a method of coping, and an addiction. William Struthers: Addictions have three main components: 1) a craving/preoccupation for the substance, 2) an inability to stop, and 3) progressive use in spite of negative consequences. There will be cycles of relapse and remission, but the progressive nature of addiction can destroy someone socially, financially, physically, and spiritually. Pornography is used as a way of dealing with stress, venting frustration, or soothing feelings of depression and insecurity. Men use this as an easier way out of the effort of being captivated by their wives. Women do the same. But pornography enslaves the viewer to an image instead of bonding you to your spouse. It prevents you from being captivated by your spouse.
Ellen Gigliotti is a Marriage and Family Therapist, and I asked her for some practical ideas on how spouses should be captivated by each other. I’ll just mention two of her suggestions:
• You must find a way to spend time together. You give time and attention to the kids, the job, the hobbies, the friends, and fail to be alone together. Go on a date. There are all kinds of excuses for why that doesn’t happen: she’s exhausted by the kids, he doesn’t want to spend money, but unless you invest effort and time, and even money, you won’t be captivated with each other.
• You must touch each other. Touching often decreases with marriage, but that contact is vital. Touching releases endorphins that make you feel better, and make you want to touch more. Touching must happen all the time, not merely when you want sex. Husbands, touch her often enough that she is no longer suspicious and nervous every time you do. That includes kissing. Once you stop dating and get married, kissing tends to stop. Husbands and wives, try to kiss for 30 seconds. Amy and I kiss good-bye and good-night every day, and all those kisses probably don’t add up to 30 seconds. The first time we heard the advice to kiss for that long for no reason, we couldn’t do it because we both kept laughing. But if you are going to be captivated by your spouse, you need to go back to doing all the stuff you did before you were married.
Be captivated by your spouse, or you will become captive to something else. So what are you going to do? Husbands, what one thing could you do to be captivated by her? Wives, what one thing could you do? Take the focus off of what you need, and replace it with what your spouse needs. Take the focus off the kids or your job, and put it on your marriage. Some of you are captive to that something else. It might be another person, it might be a fantasy, it might be porn. Today is the day God is calling you to repent, turn away from that to him. There is no sin he cannot forgive and no life he cannot change. The power of forgiveness and transformation is in the risen Jesus. On the cross, his death paid for your sin and mine. His resurrection guaranteed the victory, new life that comes to those who are in Christ. Give yourself to him. Throw yourself on his mercy, believe and confess Jesus as Lord, and you will be rescued from your lost condition. Some of you who already believe have allowed yourself to be trapped in sinful behavior. You’ve been snared, captured by what you know is wrong. God is calling you to turn from that and live up to who he made you to be. “Christ gave his life to free us from every kind of sin…” Titus 2:12.
Pastor Mark Driscoll has a best-selling book out called Real Marriage. He writes that at the time he became a Christian, he and girlfriend Grace were sleeping together. Mark attended a Bible study, and the Pastor taught about the sin of fornication. Mark says, “That f-word was new to me. It sounded as if he was saying sex with a girlfriend you loved and planned to marry was wrong. I thought, Of course he doesn’t mean that. So I told the pastor I had a “friend” I was afraid might be fornicating and wanted to double-check what fornication was. He took me to the Bible, where I realized I was a sinful fornicator. To be honest, fornicating was fun. I liked fornicating. To stop fornicating was not fun. But Grace and I stopped, and were later married. I assumed that once we were married we would simply pick up where we left off sexually with a relationship done God’s way. But God’s way was a total bummer. My previously free and fun girlfriend was suddenly a frigid and fearful wife. Before long I was bitter against God and Grace.” It took years before Mark and Grace discovered what was wrong. She was an assault victim who had never told anyone of the abuse she had suffered. Mark was overbearing, boorish, angry, and harsh. Not the kind of husband she could trust or confide in. They repented, committed to work on their relationship with Jesus and each other. They write: “We are now closer than ever and have a very healthy sex life. By God’s grace and the Holy Spirit’s power, we got a new marriage with the same spouses.” How about you? Whether you are a fornicator, or are struggling to be abstinent, whether you’ve failed at marriage, or are ready for a new marriage with the same spouse, that power is available to you.
