Self Control Series

Self Control

Online Sermon: http://www.mckeesfamily.com/sermons

When faced with difficult or unpleasant situations, what kind of self-talk goes through your mind? Are you the type of person who tends to be passive, avoiding confrontation to the point of internalizing your frustration, replaying in your mind what you wish you could say but never do? Do you find yourself suppressing your emotions, choosing to violate your own rights rather than risk offending others by being honest? Or, on the other hand, do you express your emotions in a way that aims to dominate, even if it means disregarding others' rights and feelings? Do you resort to tactics like belittling, humiliation, or overpowering others to get your way? Whether your response is passive or aggressive, Dr. Stoop explains that “those caught in these behavior patterns do not feel good about themselves afterwards” because both involve violating either your own or someone else’s inherent rights. Remember, God sees our struggles and meets us in them with His grace and patience. He doesn’t expect us to have it all figured out but invites us to grow day by day through His Spirit.

Assertiveness is a balanced approach to self-expression that neither retreats into passivity nor advances aggressively. It is not driven by fear or the desire to dominate but rather by a deep motivation rooted in love and respect. Being assertive means valuing yourself enough to communicate openly and honestly, while also respecting others' rights and needs. It seeks a win-win outcome that benefits everyone involved. In contrast, non-assertive behavior often manifests in an “I should” and “I can’t” attitude as seen below.

I Immobilization I Inadequate feelings about myself

S Saying – not doing C Controlled instead of being in control

H Hung up on Guilt A Apathetic

O Overly anxious N Negative results

U Underlying Anger T Total despair

L Lowered self-esteem

D Depression

To overcome this cycle, Dr. Stoop recommends a structured approach: first, identify situations where you respond non-assertively, then clarify your thoughts, actions, and others' potential motives, and finally choose a positive response. By following these steps, a person can foster an "I can" mindset, encouraging self-confidence, expressing feelings honestly, requesting what they need, and seeking mutually beneficial solutions. While it may feel daunting to step out in assertiveness, know that God is with you every step, giving you courage and wisdom as you rely on Him. He delights in giving you strength for every situation.

To understand the benefits of assertiveness, let’s look at Paul’s confrontation of Peter in Galatians 2:11-14, where Peter’s actions conflicted with the gospel’s inclusive message. Initially, Peter ate freely with Gentile believers, treating them as equals in Christ. But when certain Jewish Christians arrived from Jerusalem—those who believed Gentiles should follow Jewish customs—Peter withdrew from the Gentiles out of fear of judgment. Paul could have remained silent, fearing backlash, or could have approached Peter aggressively. Instead, he chose an assertive response, addressing Peter directly and calmly, explaining how Peter’s actions contradicted the gospel’s truth that salvation is by faith in Christ, not by law. Peter did not respond with hostility but humbly accepted Paul’s correction, and the two later worked together as “partners in the gospel.” This outcome was a win-win for all involved: Paul upheld his convictions without overstepping boundaries, and Peter and the Jewish Christians gained a deeper understanding of the gospel’s unifying message, strengthening community across cultural lines.

Imagine a time when you wanted to speak up but held back out of fear, or when frustration led you to speak too harshly. These moments reveal that assertiveness, when rooted in love and respect, fosters peace and honors God. Working in a large company with over 300 people, I regularly navigate the unique communication styles of ownership, vice presidents, managers, supervisors, and front-line employees. I remember being tasked with developing and implementing a new software program across multiple divisions. While I had ownership’s support, I knew that pushing too hard could make managers feel their leadership was being challenged, potentially creating tension. So, I prayed that God would help me present the program’s benefits from the managers’ perspectives, allowing us to find a win-win solution. Though the conversations were challenging, in the end, the managers embraced the software and appreciated its value. This experience reminded me that true assertiveness doesn’t require us to compromise others’ dignity but to approach every situation with prayer, respect, and a desire for mutual understanding.

Self-Talk and God

While self-talk and assertive behavior can lead to positive outcomes, it’s a mistake to believe that we are the masters of our own destiny. Visualizing a shift from poverty to wealth, illness to health, or strained relationships to strong ones does not guarantee such changes will happen. Many motivational speakers and faith teachers mislead Christians by presenting God as a genie who grants every wish. They misinterpret verses like, “You may ask anything in My name,” implying that this is a formula to receive whatever one desires. According to this perspective, if one lacks money, they should simply ask for riches in Jesus’ name and expect abundance. If diagnosed with an incurable disease, they should ask for healing and expect immediate restoration. And if they pray as though their request has already been granted, they will certainly receive it. Renewing our minds takes time, and God walks patiently with us, celebrating every small step. Be encouraged that each time you choose His truth over doubt, He is faithfully at work, transforming you from within.