Let me start out by just telling you guys that I am so excited about tonight. Dating and relationships is a topic that I have a huge passion for because I know how difficult they can be; especially during junior and senior high. Throughout my life I have had 3½ girl friends…yes 3½.
The first came in 8th grade where I dated this girl for a month. It was cool because we almost had the same last name. Mine is Kircher and her last name was Kerr. I think we went to the mall once and other than that we just talked on the phone. It lasted about a month and then she dumped me at school by giving me this note under the table in our class room.
After that I didn’t date again until the summer before my senior year of high school. I dated this girl named Diane who loved baseball almost as much as I do. We dated about a month kind of. See we started going out at the beginning of July. After about two weeks I went away on vacation with my family for a week. The day before I got back, she went away with her family for vacation for the next week. Then, the day before she got back, I left again for a week and half mission trip in Canada. When I got back, I felt like things weren’t lining up so I broke up with here…over the phone.
Then, during my senior year, there was Jenna. Yea…I was stupid and crazy. Jenna was a girl from my youth group who I decided was amazing and that “God had told me” I was going to marry. The only problem was that God hadn’t told her that. I asked her out by sending her a dozen roses on Valentines Day with a little card. She said yes, kind of. See, neither of us wanted to really date so we came up with this thing we called frating…friends but dating. It was stupid, I know.
I ended up though ending it after a month, on IM, because I found out she was going to prom with this other guy from my church but never even told me about it. The whole thing was a mess. I was crushed. Later on, I found out from a friend that she never wanted to go out with me to begin with but didn’t want to hurt my feelings, which, you know, feels really good to find out.
Then, there was Melissa my freshman year of college and we all know how that ended up. So, all this to say, I haven’t had a ton of girlfriends compared to some people but I learned a heck of a lot from my experiences, from my youth group leaders, and from my Youth Pastor. Tonight, I would like to humbly share with you some of the things I have learned later in my high school years that I wish I knew when I was in seventh grade. And hopefully, it will save you guys from having to go through some of the painful situations I had to.
To guide us in our conversation, grab your Bibles and open them to Genesis 2:7, 18-24.
***Read Genesis 2:7, 18-24***
To start out, I need all the guys to stand up. Guys, take a look at these young ladies sitting around you and I repeat after me. “Ladies, you are not pieces of meat. You are not objects. You are wonderful creations of God and I will treat you like that.” Guys, you can have a seat. Girls, your turn, stand up, take a look at these young men and repeat after me. “Guys, you are not just objects to use for what I want; whether it is love, acceptance, status, or to feel good about myself. You are wonderful creations of God and I will treat you like that.” Thanks girls, you can have a seat.
Whenever you have a conversation about dating and relationships, I believe that this is where you have to start. “God created human beings in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” We are not mistakes and we are not just random projects thrown together. Every single one of us is a wonderfully made masterpiece created by God; holy and special in our Creator’s eyes.
When I dated Diane in high school, the first time I went over her house, her Dad came down the stairs with a machete in hand, saying he was “weed whacking” out back. He definitely made me think about how to treat his daughter when we were together. After I broke up with her, I heard from some friends that he basically threatened to beat the crap out of me if he ever saw me again. As funny as it may sound, this is the kind of love God has for each of us. As we interact with each other and think about boyfriends and girlfriends, we need to picture our Heavenly Father standing there, watching us, giving us this look that says, “You protect my creation!”
Look at the person next to you and say, “You are a wonderful creation of God!”
How many of you would say you have a huge need for friends? Like, you would die if you were always alone and never had even one friend? How many of you would admit that you have a huge urge to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend?
We all feel like that and a big thing we need to understand about these feelings is that God created them in us and that he understands them. As I just quoted before, we are created in God’s image and a huge part of that is the need for relationship. God, in the forms of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, is a relational being at His core, and we are too. This is why, in the Garden of Eden, after God had made Adam, God looked at his precious and wonderful creation and said, “It us not good for the man to be alone.”
Look at the person next to you and tell them, “It is not good for you to be alone!”
This next part is important…look at the passage we just read and tell me, who is it that fills the need for relationship? Does Adam go out and take matters into his own hand? No, God fills the void. In fact, it wasn’t even Adam who said it wasn’t good to be alone, it was God. Also, equally important and something I never noticed, who does God make for Adam first, once He acknowledges it isn’t good for him to be alone? Eve? No, he makes the animals first. Before God makes Eve, the woman for Adam, he creates the animals to offer him companionship and friendship. Then, he creates Eve for a romantic relationship and explains this very, very important fact. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united as one.”
What is one plus one? 2? Wrong, it’s one. The fact that God specifically says the “two are united as one” is so important. When it comes to a romantic relationship, God intended that it include two whole people that would some day be able to get married and join as one. Unfortunately, not many people pay attention to this idea anymore.
First off, there are so many who feel that the way a relationship works is ½+½=1. In their book called Relationships, Les and Leslie Parrott say the following, “If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself.” When we enter into romantic relationships looking to complete our identity, the relationship becomes a very selfish thing that will slowly destroy both of God’s masterpieces involved. For a relationship to really work, it has to be built on the idea of give and take. Too many relationships tend to be more take and take though, which then leaves both parties just empty, angry and eventually looking elsewhere to be filled again. Then a destructive pattern is established as you go from person to person and never actually find what you are looking for.
Secondly, not many people think about marriage when it comes to dating in a romantic relationship. Ignoring this really just sets a lot of people up to be crushed and hurt. In Song of Songs, three times it is stated to not “arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” As we said, God created these emotions and feelings in us to want and need relationships. When we start romantically dating someone and move beyond the good friend stage our minds, heart, and bodies begin going through a God made process that is supposed to culminate in the commitment of marriage. We start this process of becoming one as we connect so deeply emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Eventually, there is no where else for us to go so we either complete the process of becoming one and mess around physically – which has it’s own set of issues and major consequences – or we end the relationship. Both parties are ripped apart in a painful and emotional train wreck, whether you realize it or not.
The one specific question I want to answer for you guys now is one that a lot of you asked. That is, “How old should you be before you start dating?” Based on all the things we just saw in the scripture I would answer that with a series of questions:
1. Have you talked to God? Again, it was God who filled the need not Adam! As Christians it is important to get our leading and direction from God in everything we do. Simply pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance.
2. Have you talked to others? “It is not good for man to be alone!” Who did God make first for Adam? The animals. God has put friends, parents, and others in our lives to get advice and provide companionship. If you are thinking about a romantic relationship, talk to a friend, an adult you trust and even your parents for advice.
3. Have you talked to him/her? Ok, maybe that sounds a little obvious but it is important. Starting slow with a friendship, especially for guys your age, will get you a lot farther in a relationship than just diving in. Also, as I mentioned earlier about Jenna, I was convinced “she was the one” but yet she felt differently. Both people need to be on the same page for things to work.
4. Have you talked to yourself? Again, 1+1=1. Ask yourself why you want the relationship a figure out if you are looking for the person to complete you. Then, keep the idea of marriage in the back of your head so that you don’t go too deep, too fast.
Having these four conversations won’t promise not being hurt ever, but you will protect yourself as well as others and keep God’s masterpieces in great condition so that they can be enjoyed by the rightful owners.
