UNDERSTANDING GODLY MARRIAGE
Pastor Eric J. Hanson
Any reader of this message knows full well that we are living in a time when marriage and the home are under attack. From a drifting culture comes the idea that marriage is whatever we want it to be, or maybe, it isn’t even needed. Clarity of understanding is needed in order to bring strength to our homes, and certitude to our convictions regarding this most ancient and important of institutions. Let’s examine the matter now from a Biblical World View.
It was God, not man, who designed marriage. (Genesis 2:19-25)
It was in the very beginning of human history that God very profoundly illustrated His intention and design for marriage. Observe now as the almighty creates the first marriage. (Please read the above mentioned Genesis passage.) In this passage, there is only one Hebrew word for both “Woman” and “Man”. It is “Adamah”. The separate words found in our Bibles are from the English translators. The word God used for both is the same! This indicates for us how close the husband and wife were to be in God’s perfect order, without sin.
Godly Marriage is closer than any mere partnership
When men or women enter into the covenant of marriage, our primary relational focus changes from our parents, to our wife or husband. Oneness within a married couple is on multiple levels in God’s design. We are to “leave” parents, “cleave” to our spouse, and become “one”, physically, emotionally, and in our goals. We are to walk together in vital relationship with God. Both partners need to put the Lord first. Then they can also honor each other properly. (Read Genesis 1:26-28) Dominion over the Earth as responsible stewards under God was given to “Man”, not meaning male alone, but male and female together, who are created in God’s Image. Marriage was not designed to produce bondage, boredom, or fear. God originally designed it in such a way that one man and one woman would complete each other and go about the business of doing God’s good and beautiful will in the Earth.
Having children is an important part of God’s design for marriage. Much of the thrust of our society today, de-values this, to the point that the population is actually falling in many western nations, and is barely at replacement level in the USA among whites and blacks, being slightly below it for whites, and slightly above for blacks. In Europe, their post-Christian society is in a population free fall. People are not reproducing anywhere near replacement level, having lost the spiritual impetus to do so. This suicidal development has created a vacuum that radical Islam is rushing to fill through massive immigration and aggressive child bearing.
How Sin has Scarred Marriage
It was sin, which messed up God’s beautiful, balanced, empowering marital design. After sin became part of human nature through the fall, people became basically self centered. Certain things regarding how sin harms marriage, are recorded for us in Old Testament history. These harmful effects were and continue to be clear violations of God’s will and design for people. Let’s look at these now.
Polygamy: By the time of Abraham, polygamy was widely practiced. A man would often marry two sisters, and sometimes would have four or more wives in all. Every time the Bible mentions such relationships, it always makes clear that there was trouble. The rivalries among the wives of the Patriarchs were sad and de-humanizing. Many messages could be preached on the lessons we can learn from these negative and often tragic situations. It is clear that God’s design from the beginning had not changed from that outlined in Genesis 1 and 2. Polygamy always produces bitter fruit, especially in the hearts of women, each one of whom should be the unique focus of a husband’s love.
Easy Divorce: Divorce is provided for in the Law given through Moses. Nevertheless, the reason for this permission was the hardness of people’s hearts. This is an area that Jesus made perfectly clear. (Read Mark 10:1-9) In many patriarchal societies, husbands are able to divorce with ease, even with a simple statement. This is a great evil! It reflects an attitude, widespread apart from the influence of the Gospel, and even codified in Islam, Hinduism, and many Tribal religions, which places women far below the protected place God intends for them. Women, in these systems, are not seen as being co-heirs with their husbands of the grace of God. There are times when divorce is needed, but such times often have to do with the need of protection for people from abandonment and abuse. Divorce is not to be used for the rejection of and wrong treatment of them.
Homosexual Practices: (Romans 1:24-27) From the start, homosexual practice has never been God’s will. In Old Testament times it was a capital offence. In societies where it has become dominant, a sexual militancy always eventually develops, particularly with males. History shows that they come to feel entitled to sexually have other men, teens, and revoltingly, even boys. Sometimes coercive group situations arise from this. The city-state of Sodom had reached this point when Lot was living there. Prisons often get to be like this, and forcible male on male rape, as alluded to on the anti-crime video Scared Straight, is the end result.
In certain home situations, boys tend to grow up confused about their gender role. This is especially true in homes where the father is distant and unpleasable, or missing, or where the mother is very dominant. Boys in such situations often reach puberty very vulnerable to anything that will produce male bonding, particularly with those a few years older than they are. Such vulnerability can easily become eroticized. This chain of events has become far more widespread since two things became common in our culture.
1. With the advent of the modern corporation, career took over as top love in the life of many upwardly mobile fathers. It became an end in itself, rather than a means to the end of providing for those a man is called to provide for, protect, and train.
2. Homosexual practices have become socially acceptable, even trendy in some circles, especially in popular media and in academia. This, of course, leads to many more people embracing such a way of living.
Romans Chapter 1 outlines the downward spiral that leads to a societal rise in homosexual practice. Exodus International and its many affiliates nationwide offer proof that men can and do get totally healed from such desires. Many thousands of former homosexuals are doing great today in God pleasing marriages. Many have been healed to the point of having no further desires or temptation toward male on male sex. Many children are being lovingly raised in these homes.
Sex Outside of Marriage: (I Corinthians 6:18-20) Cohabitation apart from marriage is another widespread problem today. God’s word has always been clear that sex is a gift reserved for use within the covenant relationship and security of marriage. Cohabitation can never provide rock-ribbed security and a codified sense of being loved by another who puts your needs even ahead of his or her own. Contrary to the propaganda of some within our culture, partner abuse is much more common among co-habiting couples than among those who are married. So is the rate of break ups.
Cohabitation has an even uglier cousin called casual sex. Many people today see sex as mere recreation. It is little more than just “something fun to do”. Besides that, with the advent of the modern welfare state, many men simply take no responsibility at all for the children they father. Millions of young people in the United States today, don’t even know their fathers. This situation is likely to breed contempt in young people toward proper family life. The young men in such homes tend to grow up to treat women as sex objects, not as precious human beings who bear the image of God. The young women from such backgrounds do not understand that their sexuality is a precious gift designed by God for their husband. Therefore, they give themselves away cheaply, in exchange for some level of attention, and the cycle of babies and children not having a stable two parent home is perpetuated.
Men who buy into this fallacious way of life, may even come from a stable and relatively healthy home background, but they are going with the flow of our society today which says sex is just for fun. The women who have also been influenced in this direction, also tend to think that sexual freedom and lack of restrictions is great, for a short while. After all, they have birth control and abortion available. Later on however, they realize that they have not received the love and security they so yearn to know.
Solutions:
How can marriage, in our day and age, be made to recapture the beauty God designed for it in the beginning? For those who are submitted to God’s word, there are wonderful guidelines. Let’s look at these now.
Being Tender & Submissive: (Ephesians 5:21-33) Men and women cannot successfully enter into the Bible’s wise counsel for strong homes, unless they both first commit to this principle, found in Ephesians 5:21, of being mutually submissive. A God given tenderness is utterly needful for success at this business of marriage. If either partner is attempting to dominate and/or manipulate the marriage to self serving ends, the rest of this Bible passage cannot work.
Verses 22-24 are built on the foundation of 21. A woman will be able to submit to a husband who is Christ like. There is security in submitting to a husband who is loving and tender. When Paul wrote this part of the chapter, he was building upon verse 21. The apostle is not calling women to be doormats for tyrants. On the other hand, every man who walks the face of the Earth has some flaws. Perfection in a husband is not a prerequisite here. Agreement on every matter in married life is also not required before a woman is to obey these verses and be submissive toward her husband who is a believer. If a man is not following the Lord, and he seeks to pull his wife into sin, she must not submit to that. She must gently and graciously decline.
Being Gentle and Strong: Verses 25-33 deal with the man. This husband section is longer. God knew that it was more needed. Women naturally are responders to real love. Men need to be initiators of the same. Each married man in Christ must put his wife, not career, not sports, not his buddies, and not impressing other women and being admired by them, at the center of his Earthly pursuits.
The fact that the average man has 50% more upper body muscle mass than the average woman is an indicator of how very important it is for that man to interact with his spouse in such a way that she feels protected and secure in his strength. It is a terrible sin for a man to cause a woman to be fearful of his physical strength. Husbands are instead called to wash their wives with the water of the word of God, just as Jesus washes his bride, the Church, with the same substance.
On a Personal Note
One of the highlights of my life was to give a special charge to my daughter Sarah and to her groom, my Son in Law Sven during their wedding nearly six years ago. Now I give the same charge to each of you who is married and to all others who may someday be married.
CHARGE TO THE COUPLE
When God first revealed Himself in a redemptive way for the purpose of establishing a covenant with human beings, it was to Abraham. God has many names throughout scripture. The one he chose to use, on the occasion of the calling of Abraham, hundreds of years before Moses was even born, was this: El Shaddai.
This is very significant for marriage because of what this name reveals about God. El is a primary word in Hebrew, which simply means God. Shaddai however is a very nurturing word with strong overtones of care and love. It also has many shades of meaning within it. Some of them are masculine. Some of them are feminine.
This is of great significance to people who are entering into the holy covenant of marriage, because the Bible clearly teaches regarding human beings: “Male and Female created He them. In the image of God He created them.” So where did God get both masculine and feminine characteristics for people? He got them from himself, from El Shaddai.
Women are as much in the image of God as men are. Men are as much in the image of God as women are. Neither bears the image of God in a complete way, but together, when the two become one in Holy covenant with each other, and jointly walk with God in obedience to His word, they then reflect the image of the one God who is triune in personhood; the God who said “Let us create man (meaning mankind) in our image.”
It is highly instructional to note that the first man and the first woman did not have two names until a while after the fall into sin. Their collective name was Adam, which simply means “Man of the Earth” or even “Taken from the Earth”. Before there was sin, there was a level of oneness between two beings, which is like the oneness of God within the Godhead. So technically speaking, God did not create Adam and Eve. He created Man, male and female, and in the image of God.
The Hebrew word traditionally translated rib regarding the creation of the first woman, is not rib in the Hebrew language. It is the word Yom. This word literally means part. It could refer to anything from the molecular genetic code, to the essence of personhood. The early translators inferred rib from the use of the word side in that passage. What does God mean by “Woman was taken from man”? Simply this: When God initially made Adam, both male and female characteristics were resident within this first one created in the image of El Shaddai. God separated these characteristics so that there were two beings, male and female. Nevertheless, the two were one, and they walked with God, until they entered into sin.
We have all seen the results of sin in world history and in today’s various cultures around the Globe. One of the most pervasive forms of sin through the ages and in many cultures today, has been and is the virtual enslavement of woman, often to the point of a man being able to have many wives, or, as in the case of “Islam”, to kill his wife with impunity if he thinks she is an “infidel” in her world view or practices. This dreadful state of affairs was once almost universal apart from the Lordship of Jesus Christ becoming widespread in any given society. In India, until the British put a stop to it in the late 1800s, widows were burned to death on their husband’s funeral pyres if the man died first. I could literally give hundreds of examples of the repression of women in cultures throughout history and around the world. It has not been pretty.
When Jesus Christ began ministering around Galilee, he did some pretty strange things according to the traditions of the Middle East. One of the hardest for many to understand was the time that He traveled right through Samaria instead of around it. Everybody knew that good Jews avoided the half-breed Samaritans. Jesus however, not only went through Samaria, but stopped at the town well in Sycar and asked a woman to get him a drink. Most Middle Eastern men would never stoop so low as to do this even in their own town, for it amounted to an admission that women are indeed fully human. By the way, Jesus also ministered prophetically to this woman at the well, and a great move of God hit that town within hours! Many there put their trust and faith in the Lord. Jesus also counted women among his closest friends and appeared first to two of them after his resurrection from the dead.
Later, after the Lord was back in Heaven and had sent forth Apostles, Paul referred to a married couple, both of whom were great church leaders, by the woman’s name first. The couple became known as Pricilla and Aquilla. This too was unheard of before Christ. He also used the word diaconos to refer to a woman in the church at Cenchrea. She was named Phoebe. Traditionally this word diaconos has been translated servant or deaconess, but there is no female sense to this word in the Greek language. It is exactly the very same word used in I Timothy 3 when talking about deacons. So in Christ, women are elevated from property status to partners in life!
With these truths in mind, I now deliver to you a charge:
To the Groom: In Ephesians, Paul writing by the Holy Spirit, calls upon Christian men to be tenderly affectioned toward their wives, laying our lives down for them and washing them with the pure water of God’s word. We are commanded to love them. This word for love, the Greek “agapao” means to put the needs of the other ahead of our own, even at our own expense. Peter tells men that if we treat our wives harshly, our prayers will be hindered. Instead, we are to regard them as fellow heirs of God’s gracious gifts!
To the Bride: Paul and Peter also wrote that Christian women are to be submissive toward their husbands, not domineering or bossy. A gentle spirit is of great beauty and attractiveness. It is life giving. Please always bear this in mind.
To both of you, and to all married believers, I give this council: Don’t give the best of your personality to outsiders and then let each other have the leftovers. Treat each other as highly honored guests in everyday interactions. Give the brightest smiles, the most affirming words, and the most considerate actions to each other, even when no one else is observing.
Both of you be aware that these godly virtues are more important than being the one who is right in disagreements which come along. These virtues are of even more lasting significance than professional competence is.
Please heed the wisdom of many passages of scripture regarding the importance of living without financial debt. Being free from the punishment of the interest curve is more important than having lots of things is. Always be generous toward God’s work too, including the local church, world missions, and having regard for the poor.
Feed your minds and spirits on wholesome things, not on the licentious garbage our culture is cranking out and labeling as entertainment today. May your worldview and your family and personal choices always reflect God’s unchanging standards and wisdom.
As a Father or as a pastor, I give the same advice, for in either case, it is not based on my opinions, but on God’s revelation. It is based on that which is always true, that which will always cause a home to flourish, if practiced by both partners. May your home be a lighthouse from the rocks of sin and foolishness, and may it always thus flourish before God.
In this day of every kind of attack against God honoring marriage, we would all do well, as followers of Jesus Christ, to commit ourselves to do things God’s way in this critically important matter. His ways work. He knows best, and He loves us, desiring to see our homes be strong, stable, and loving places of affirmation and honor.
