Valentine’s Day is this week so today we’re going to cover some straight talk from the Bible on love and sex.
The Bible talks about sex quite a bit because there’s certainly nothing wrong with talking about sex in the proper manner. With all the misinformation out there we need to talk about sex from a biblical perspective. We need to teach and train our sons and daughters about it from a solid foundation.
If you want to enjoy life you need to align your sex life with the Word of God. So that’s why we’re going to look at some practical biblical teaching on the subject today.
We’re in the series on "Loving the Life you Live" and we’re looking at places in the Bible that help us deal with the things that make it difficult to love life. God wants us to enjoy life. He wants our lives to be full of joy. But there are some obstacles that make it hard to love life sometimes. Dealing improperly with guilt is one of them. Since we’re all sinners we’re all going to need how to deal with guilt. We all make mistakes. We need to know specifically how God says to handle it.
Guilt is like sex – if you handle either without God’s instructions you won’t be happy. You need to know what God says about it.
Originally the topic for today was going to be "How to Deal With Guilt" in general, but the more I studied today’s Scripture text, the more it kept narrowing itself down to one particular form of guilt - guilt over sexual sins. How are people supposed to handle their guilt over sexual sins? You need to know this not only for yourself but also so you can help others.
Don’t conclude this message isn’t for you. Realize that the principles Christ prescribes for handling the guilt of sexual sins will not only help you and help others but they will also apply to any sin for which you are guilty. God doesn’t want you to carry guilt. He knows that’s an unpleasant task. He wants to set you free from guilt and shame!
One of the reasons this topic is so important is that a lot of people aren’t effectively serving Christ today because of the guilt and shame of sexual sins. They think that somehow, sexual sins automatically disqualify them from serving God. But as you study the life and teachings of Jesus you realize that isn’t so. Jesus encouraged people to follow Him who had all sorts of sexual sins in their past.
Christ offers forgiveness and freedom from the guilt of sexual sins. There is no better example of this than Christ’s interaction with the woman caught in the act of adultery in John’s Good News Account, chapter 8.
John 8:1 (NCV) 1 Jesus went to the Mount of Olives.
2 But early in the morning he went back to the Temple, and all the people came to him, and he sat and taught them.
3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery. They forced her to stand before the people.
4 They said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught having sexual relations with a man who is not her husband.
5 The law of Moses commands that we stone to death every woman who does this. What do you say we should do?"
6 They were asking this to trick Jesus so that they could have some charge against him. But Jesus bent over and started writing on the ground with his finger.
7 When they continued to ask Jesus their question, he raised up and said, "Anyone here who has never sinned can throw the first stone at her."
8 Then Jesus bent over again and wrote on the ground.
9 Those who heard Jesus began to leave one by one, first the older men and then the others. Jesus was left there alone with the woman standing before him.
10 Jesus raised up again and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one judged you guilty?"
11 She answered, "No one, sir." Then Jesus said, "I also don’t judge you guilty. You may go now, but don’t sin anymore."
What is Jesus teaching us here about shame, guilt, forgiveness and restoration from sexual sins? How can you overcome the guilt of sexual sins? He forgave this woman and her guilt was gone!
The first thing this true story teaches about overcoming the guilt of sexual sins is that you need to:
1. Believe that sexual purity is a proper goal for your life.
This is where you need to start. No matter what your past sins are, this should be your goal for the present and future because if you don’t believe that sexual purity is the right thing to strive for you will lose the battle for overcoming guilt before it ever begins. There are simply too many allurements to be sexually impure in the culture around you to not have a positive plan. You must have a goal – and the Word of God teaches that the goal you should have is purity in your sex life.
Brian Newman, lead pastor of Crossroads International Church in Amsterdam, Netherlands said this in the current issue of Leadership Magazine: "In my city, prostitution is legal and preaching is dangerous." He cites Amsterdam as being the city not only well known for prostitution but also many other "extravagant sexual practices." In spite of all the sexual liberty, after talking to many of the people in Amsterdam he concludes, "People are tired of promiscuity and really desire purity."
The Bible has taught all along that a license to sin is not the answer to sexual fulfillment. True sexual fulfillment comes from following God’s blueprint for sex. Sexual fulfillment comes from a committed marital relationship between a man and a woman. There is nothing on the world’s sexual menu to compare with that fulfillment.
In the story of Jesus and the woman caught in adultery this principle comes from the last thing Jesus said to her. After being publicly humiliated by the hypocritical religious leaders and after Jesus outwitted them, Christ says to the woman, "You may go now, but don’t sin anymore." (John 8:11b, NCV)
Christ wasn’t going to give this woman a free pass to go on being sexually impure just because He was willing and able to forgive her. He was calling her to redirect her lifestyle. (We’ll cover more about that later.)
One of the sad things in this story is that the man who committed adultery with the woman didn’t make an appearance before Jesus. Consequently he didn’t receive the pardon that the woman did. He could have learned how to effectively deal with his guilt had he too come to the Savior.
Don’t make the mistake of shying away from Christ with your guilt. Don’t think He hasn’t heard it all before. God gives us guilt to acknowledge our wrongdoing, but after we do that and receive His forgiveness we no longer need to feel guilty. Don’t let guilt keep you from coming to Christ or from serving Christ. He has the only effective answers for handling guilt and shame. After He has forgiven you don’t let your past guilt and shame continue to guide you.
Don’t relegate your ideas about sex, and whether or not to feel guilty, to others. All the religious hypocritical leaders were interested in was guilt. Finding this woman to drag before Jesus may have even been the result of a setup on their part – but of course, all sin is a setup. True followers of Christ are like Jesus – they are more interested in a person’s future than their past! The Bible teaches that a person who follows Christ should have a goal of sexual purity in their future.
Right from the start the church has received instructions from God on this. The first church letter written chronologically, 1 Thessalonians, contains these instructions:
Look at this passage with me verse by verse.
1 Thessalonians 4:3 (CEV) God wants you to be holy, (Circle that. You want to know what God wants from you in your sex life? Here it is. God wants you to be holy. We’ll talk more about what holiness is in a few minutes.) so don’t be immoral in matters of sex. (Being holy does not mean totally abstaining from sex – it means abstaining from sex outside of marriage.)
4Respect and honor your wife. (Moral purity begins with what you look at. Don’t disrespect your spouse by looking at other people with a lustful eye or forming improper emotional attachments to them.)
5Don’t be a slave of your desires (circle that phrase) or live like people who don’t know God. (That’s a commentary on our culture. People think, "If it feels good, do it!" God says, "Don’t be a slave to your desires.") (Psychology Today carried a story several years ago about a young woman who told her psychiatrist, that she was exhausted by her lifestyle – an endless round of parties, drugs, sex and alcohol. "Why don’t you stop?" he asked. "You mean I don’t have to do what I want to do?" she replied.) (From Against the Night, by Chuck Colson, p. 58)
6You must not cheat any of the Lord’s followers in matters of sex. Remember, we warned you that he punishes everyone who does such things. (There are consequences to misbehavior. We’re talking about overcoming guilt and shame today but it would be dishonest to neglect to tell you that sexual sins have other consequences that must be dealt with. Trust must be rebuilt after you’ve sinned sexually. Your spouse and family and others around you need to see that you have dealt with the issues you need to deal with. The good news is that our text Scripture in John’s gospel teaches that Jesus believes in second chances!)
7God didn’t choose you to be filthy, but to be pure. (Circle that phrase. God chose you for purity. That’s why it’s a proper goal for your life. It’s a goal that God chose for you so you know it’s an excellent goal!)
8So if you don’t obey these rules, you are not really disobeying us. You are disobeying God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. (If you don’t set purity as your lifestyle goal you aren’t disobeying the pastor or evangelists or missionaries like Paul – you’re disobeying God the Holy Spirit.)
The word "holy" in this Scripture passage carries a dual connotation: one of being morally blameless, the other of being set apart. Being holy is like a two-sided coin.
To be holy is to be clean AND set apart for God. Sexual holiness is to reserve your body for sex only in marriage.
Just like you, God uses clean dishes and utensils as you can see in this passage from 2 Timothy.
2 Timothy 2:21 (NLT) If you keep yourself pure, you will be a utensil God can use for his purpose. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work.
2 Timothy 2:22 Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Follow anything that makes you want to do right. Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.
Verse 22 gives you three practical steps to realizing your goal of sexual purity:
a)"Run from anything that stimulates lust." Whether it’s the entertainment you consume or the conversation you make – you must stay away from environments that stimulate lust. This helps you head lust off at the pass.
b)"Follow anything that makes you want to do right." Fill your life with good things and the evil things won’t have as much pull on you.
c)"Pursue faith and love and peace, and enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts." Hanging out with other pure people will strengthen your resolve to remain pure.
After you have established that sexual purity is a proper goal for your life the next step in overcoming the guilt of sexual sins is to…
2. Trust in God’s mercy not your merit.
If you’re not careful you can go on carrying your guilt long after God has offered His forgiveness because you misunderstand how God operates. As we’ve already covered, please don’t equate the judmentalism of others for guilt. True guilt comes when you have broken God’s laws. But the good news is - God wants to forgive you.
The question a lot of people have is, "What can I do to get God to forgive me?"
God doesn’t forgive you because of anything you can do – but because of His forgiving nature. Until you get that down in your spiritual playbook you will be constantly scrambling for cover when it comes to guilt and shame.
One of the most intriguing parts of this story is what Jesus did during the conversation with the religious connivers. His enemies think they have Him cornered. If Jesus decreed that the woman should be stoned to death then what would happen to His reputation as a friend of sinners? He would have lost most of His followers.
If He had said she should not be stoned, then He would have been siding against the law. But instead of doing either one, Christ bends down and starts writing in the dirt using His finger as a stylus. Was He reminding the woman’s accusers that "the finger of God" had originally written the Ten Commandments? (Ex. 31:18) And His finger was the finger of God! Was He saying, "You guys don’t need to come to me to tell me how to adjudicate the law – I wrote the law!"
What Jesus said and did is a perfect picture of redemption! He neither condemned the woman to being stoned to death nor did He excuse her from the liability of her sin – He simply took her guilt upon Himself!
Jesus isn’t condoning your sin when He forgives it. He’s simply taking the punishment you deserve.
But how can He do that? He can do that because His forgiveness is activated - not by your works - but by your faith in Him.
Romans 4:5 (CEV) You cannot make God accept you because of something you do. God accepts sinners only because they have faith in him.
That’s really good news! You don’t have to earn God’s forgiveness!
Even though the Scripture doesn’t record it, this woman apparently put her faith in Christ and in response to her faith Christ cleansed her from guilt.
That’s precisely what Christ told the woman who came to Simon the Pharisee’s house and washed Jesus’ feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.
Luke 7:50 (NLT) And Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace."
God is merciful. He forgives because of His gracious nature. That’s the perspective you need in order to overcome guilt and love the life you live. Guilt and shame don’t need to hover over your head like dark storm clouds. Let the light of God’s Son shine through!
There’s another insight into overcoming the guilt and shame of sexual sins from this story.
3. Rewrite your lifescript.
The general idea of "rewriting your lifescript" comes from Patrick Means in his book, "Men’s Secret Wars."
He says that a lot of men fall into sexual sins because they haven’t taken responsibility for the unhealthy attitudes and behaviors they picked up from their childhood and adolescence and carried into their adult lives. They have faulty lifescripts. They see themselves in ways God never intended for them to see themselves. They picked up these improperly written lifescripts as they were growing up. They need to learn how to create relationships that meet needs not met in childhood. (This principle certainly applies to women as well.)
In his book, Means talks about some of the "roles" men play. Here are three of these "roles" to illustrate the importance of lifescripts.
a) The "Hero." These men achieve success so that they can uphold the family name in order to cover the family shame. These are the super-responsible, self-sacrificing, hardworking guys who take care of their families. Good men. The irony of men who live by this lifescript is, they often fall prey to sexual temptations because they work too much and don’t evaluate their spiritual lives enough. Or they may fall into the trap of allowing themselves to be worshipped as heroes. Others see their success and the praise they receive goes to their head. Obviously that’s a lifescript that needs to be adjusted.
b) The "Rebel." He decides to take the focus away from other family members’ unhealthy behaviors by getting into trouble himself. He is the intentional underachiever. And his irresponsibility may lead to difficulty with commitment and a readiness to be sexually irresponsible.
c) The "Caretaker." Another workaholic, overachiever type. Like The "Hero", he is super-responsible, self-sacrificing and hardworking, but for different reasons. He wants to make things better by taking care of others – not having attention drawn to him via hero worship. He has difficulty relaxing. May have had one parent who was absent or passive while he was growing up and he’s trying to compensate for that by focusing on the needs of others. But focusing on the neediness of others often leaves the man playing this role void of focusing on his own neediness. Hence he can be ready prey for sexual temptation.
The point is this: If men are to have victory over sexual temptation they often need to identify the role they see themselves playing in life, they need to identify the script they are living by, and then determine which parts of it are biblical and which are not, which parts are dangerous and can lead to sexual impurity if not addressed. And then they need to rewrite their lifescripts.
For a man or a woman, if there is to be hope for overcoming the guilt and shame of sexual sins then everything that contributed to the sins themselves must eventually be overcome.
Once more, consider the final words of Jesus to the woman.
"Woman, where are they? Has no one judged you guilty?" She answered, "No one, sir." Then Jesus said, "I also don’t judge you guilty. You may go now, but don’t sin anymore." (John 8:10-11, NCV)
The statement of Jesus, "Don’t sin anymore" doesn’t mean she was going to reach a point that she was never going to sin again. Jesus was teaching that its possible to maintain a lifestyle of mastery over temptation.
Noted Greek Scholar A. T. Robertson writes that what Jesus said to the woman in John 8:11 can literally be translated, "No longer go on sinning." (Robertson’s Word Pictures in the New Testament) Jesus was talking about a lifestyle - not a perfect lifestyle - but a consistent one.
Christ wasn’t expecting sinless perfection from the woman no more than He is expecting it of you. But He was expecting her lifestyle to change just like He can help you change yours. But in order for your lifestyle to change your lifescript needs to change.
For instance, if the woman in this story fell prey to sexual sin because she thought so little of herself that she was willing to engage in the wrong kind of love in order to be shown love – then she needed to rewrite the way she saw herself. She needed to see herself in the eyes of God’s love for her. That’s exactly what Christ did for her. He loved her without expecting anything for Himself in return.
The principle of changing lifescripts is not an attempt to excuse personal responsibility but rather to enhance it. You are responsible for the way you see yourself. You can’t keep hiding behind the scripts others wrote for you. Responsible adults can’t blame their past forever.
Someone here today may need to start writing a new lifescript. And if you do, receiving Christ’s forgiveness is where it begins.
