“Good Grief -- part 2”
On the lighter side of life:
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1930’s 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored
lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back
when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell
phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They
actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers
and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
Video Illustration: Tear Soup- This video shows us how the grief process progresses in a person’s life.
Thesis: The Body of Christ needs to learn how to administer “Good Grief” in loss, in crisis and in trauma situations of life.
Introduction:
One preacher stated, “C.S. Lewis, author of many well-known books including the Narnia series and Mere Christianity, was a bachelor for most of his life. In his mid-fifties he married Joy Davidman. Within four years she died of cancer. As he tried to make sense of the experience, he wrote a book entitled, A Grief Observed. He begins the book with these poignant words, "No one ever told me…" It is odd that we talk so much in the church about many important things, but there are some things we hesitate to talk about. We could list several important topics that we rarely mention. One of them is surely the whole issue of the loss of something precious – whether it be a loved one, a friend, perhaps a job, possibly a marriage, or even one’s health. How do we cope with loss?”
I hear on a weekly basis about daily losses in people’s lives from not just the news but from newspapers, TV, radio, magazines, and word of mouth. It is everywhere and it communicates to us that everyone will have to face some type of crisis and or loss in their lives. It could be a divorce, a spouse who is unfaithful, a crime, an accident, a death, a health issue, a family crisis, a financial crisis, an addiction, a job loss and the list could go on. We all will face crisis and our friends and families will also. Dr. Wright states it this way, “There is no limit to the number of losses and crises that occur in life-some of them are inexplicable traumas that affect an entire family” (15).
Dr. Wright defines the following terms so we can get a grasp the nature and the impact of grief on our lives:
*Grief is defined as “Intense emotional suffering caused by loss, disaster, misfortune, etc. Acute sorrow - “deep sadness.” The word is derived from the Latin verb meaning “to burden.” Indeed, you do feel burdened. You are carrying a heavy load of feelings.
*Mourn is defined as “to feel or express sorrow.” Mourning is the expression of grief. The word is derived from a Gothic verb meaning “to be anxious, “and it comes ultimately from an Indo-European base meaning “to remember; to think of.” Mourning involves remembering and thinking of the deceased, and this makes you feel anxious or uncomfortable.
*Bereave means “to leave in a sad or lonely state, as loss or death.” In Old English, the word meant, “to deprive or rob.” One mother said after her daughter’s death, “I feel as if I were robbed of my most precious possession.” The bereaved are survivors of a recent major loss. (1-2)
My question is this “Will you the church, the body of Christ, the hands of Jesus be prepared to help others through the process of grief?” So over the next 4 weeks I plan on doing something different with my messages. My goal is to teach each person here and those listening today how you can help someone through a crisis, a loss, or a trauma in life. My goal is to help you to become a person who is used by the Lord to help another person through the journey of grief and loss.
Scripture Text:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Psalm 116:1-7: (The Psalm of Grief)
1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“O LORD, save me!”
5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
Illustration:
Patsy Clairmont in her book “Under His Wings” tells a moving story of the reality of dealing with grief. “We buried my friend’s 26 year old son last week. An accidental gunshot took Jeff’s life. We have more questions than answers. We are offended at people who have all the answers and no experience with devastating loss.
I watched the heart-wrenching scenes as the family tried to come to grips with the tragedy, I can still hear the travailing of the mother’s anguished heart. I can still see the wrenching of the father’s grief torn hands. I can still smell the hospital and funeral home. Memories march before my mind like soldiers, causing me to relive the agony. If it is this difficult for me, Jeff’s god-mother, how much more magnified it must be for his birth mother! I can’t imagine. As I watched Jeff’s mom, Carol, the week after his death, I observed a miracle. I saw her move from despair to hope. From franticness to peace. From uncertainty to assurance. From needing comfort to extending it. I witnessed a mom face her worst nightmare and refuse to run away. Instead, she ran to Him. When grief knocked the breath out of Carol, she went to the Breath Giver. I watched as the Lord placed His mantle of grace around her and then supported her with His mercy. The grief process has just begun for Jeff’s loved ones. The Lord will not remove His presence from the Porter family. But there may be moments when He will remove their awareness of His presence. That will allow them to feel the impact of their loss. For He knows it would be our tendency to hide even behind His grace to protect our fragile hearts from the harshness winds of reality. He offers us refuge, but He also promises us wholeness. Wholeness means we are fully present with ourselves and with Him. Therefore, we have to own our pain. If we do not, part of who we are we must either shut down, avoid or deny. That would leave us estranged from ourselves and divided in our identity. Also, we would never heal in a way that would allow us to minister to others.” [Patsy Clairmont. Under His Wings. (Colorado Springs: Focus On the Family, 1994) p. 137] Contributed to Sermon Central by: John Hamby
The following thoughts are taken from Dr. H. Norman Wright’s books Helping Others Recover from Losses and Grief and Crisis and Trauma Counseling.
I. Good grief has a purpose!
a. One preacher stated, “People sometimes feel guilty about going through grief. Why, because they think they should be able to handle things as if life was business as usual. But they struggle with their emotions and the emotions win out at times. We wonder if we’re normal, or if we’re losing our minds. We need to know that grief is normal! In fact, it’s essential!”
b. The purpose of grief is to help us go beyond one’s initial reactions to a crisis or loss.
i. Grief actually helps the individual to work toward adapting to the loss and or crisis.
ii. The way out of grief is to journey through it.
1. It means we must face it and go through it so as to receive relief from it.
2. Denial makes grief worse and it hinders the healing process.
3. People need to be encouraged to walk through the journey of grief and to get to the other side.
4. This journey is very hard and very difficult but if you proceed through it you will move on with life.
c. Another purpose of grief is to show us that we need to learn to rely on God.
i. The truth is God is always with us as Christians and He stays with us even through the journey of grief.
ii. God is just a prayer away and in times of grief we need to call out to him for help and support
1. Psalm 116 (see above)
2. Hebrews 4:16: 16Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
3. Luke 7:16, 17: 16They were all filled with awe and praised God. “A great prophet has appeared among us,” they said. “God has come to help his people.” 17This news about Jesus spread throughout Judea and the surrounding country.
d. Another purpose of grief is to reveal to us that we do need each other in life especially in the grief filled times.
i. Romans 12: 15: 15Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
ii. I Timothy 5:5-8: 5The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. 6But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7Give the people these instructions, too, so that no one may be open to blame. 8If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
iii. Hebrews 6:10-12: 10God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. 11We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. 12We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.
iv. Acts 20: 35-38: 35In everything I did, I showed you that by this kind of hard work we must help the weak, remembering the words the Lord Jesus himself said: ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” 36When he had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. 37They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him. 38What grieved them most was his statement that they would never see his face again. Then they accompanied him to the ship.
v. Luke 11:46: 46Jesus replied, “And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
vi. The very worst kind of grief is the one that you have to face because we soon realize that we are not in control of our lives.
e. Good grief can also be used to create something new in and with our lives.
i. Here’s an example from nature shared by another fellow Preacher. When Mt. St. Helens erupted in May 1980, hundreds of square kilometers were obliterated under a sea of mud and ash. Every living thing was destroyed, buried, or burned. But within four months, the first flowers were blooming, within a couple of kilometers of the mountain. Some tiny seedlings somehow survived. And now that the taller trees were gone, they had the opportunity to grow and flourish. Within a year, wildlife had returned. Out of the apparently lifeless landscape of devastation, was springing new life. Biologists estimate that within another thirty years it will be hard to tell that an eruption ever took place! That’s God at work.”
ii. This preacher adds: God can bring new life, too. Sometimes it happens so slowly we’re hardly even aware of it. But new life comes. We find the strength to get out again. We find the strength to move forward. We discover our anger – even our anger toward God – transforms into wisdom as we gain perspective on life. Out of the devastated landscape of our lives comes new life that is surprisingly beautiful. Yes, it is different than life was before. But even in its difference it is beautiful. God leads us beside peaceful streams we never knew before.
T.S. - The personal journey of grief has purpose and it also has appropriate expectations that we ourselves can have as we go through the journey of grief.
II. Appropriate expectations through the grief journey.
a. Dr. Wright lists the right way to go through the process of grief and what to expect of ourselves through the process.
i. Your grief will take longer than most people think.
ii. Your grief will take more energy than you would have ever imagined.
iii. Your grief will involve many changes and be continually developing.
iv. Your grief will show itself in all spheres of your life.
v. Your grief will depend upon how you perceive the loss.
vi. You will grieve for many things both symbolic and tangible, not just death alone.
vii. You will grieve for what you have lost already and for what you have lost for the future.
viii. Your grief will entail mourning not only for the actual person you lost but also for all the hopes, dreams, and unfulfilled expectations you held for and with that person, and for the needs that will go unmet because of the death.
ix. Your grief will involve a wide variety of feelings and reactions, not solely those that are generally thought of as grief, such as depression and sadness.
x. Your loss will resurrect old issues, feelings and unresolved conflicts from the past.
xi. You may have a combination of anger and depression, such as irritability, annoyance or intolerance.
xii. You will feel some anger and guilt, or at least some manifestation of these emotions.
xiii. You may experience grief spasms, acute upsurges of grief that occur suddenly with no warning.
xiv. You will have trouble thinking (memory, organization and intellectual processing) and making decisions.
xv. You may feel like you are going crazy.
xvi. You may be obsessed with the death and preoccupied with the deceased.
xvii. You may find yourself acting socially in ways that are different from before.
xviii. You may find yourself having a number of physical reactions.
xix. Others will have unrealistic expectations about your mourning and may respond inappropriately to you.
xx. In summary, your grief will bring with it, depending upon the combinations of factors above, an intense amount of emotions that will surprise you and those around you. Most of us are unprepared for the global response we have to a major loss. Our expectations tend to be unrealistic, and more often than not we receive insufficient assistance from friends and society.
T.S. – We have learned appropriate responses to grief and then we need to understand what the recovery steps are through the journey of grief.
III. Recovery steps that help us get through the grief journey.
a. Recovery steps:
i. Try to identify what it is that doesn’t make sense to you about your loss.
ii. Identify the emotions that you feel during each day.
iii. What steps or actions are you taking to help you move ahead and overcome your loss?
iv. Be sure you are sharing your loss and grief with others who can listen to you and support you during this time.
v. It may help to find a person who has experienced a similar loss.
vi. Identify the positive characteristics and strengths of your life which have helped you before.
vii. Spend time reading the Psalms.
viii. When you pray, share your confusion, your feelings and hopes with God.
ix. Where do you want to be in your life two years from now?
x. Become familiar with the stages of grief so you will know what to expect and you won’t be thrown by what you are experiencing.
xi. Remember that understanding your grief intellectually is not sufficient.
Conclusion:
Grief has purpose it helps us to heal and it is used to make us interdependent on God and others.
Grief is the journey to healing and we need to have appropriate responses to it.
Grief also has certain recovery steps that we need to understand and progress through.
Illustration: IT IS WELL
“H. G. Spafford was a businessman in Chicago. He was a dedicated Christian. [There were times in his life when the wisdom he followed was earthly, unspiritual, and subject to the enemy’s schemes]. He had some serious financial reversals, and during the time of readjustment, he lost his home.” He realized his family needed to get away for a vacation. Spafford decided to take his entire family to England. He sent his wife and four daughters ahead . . . In midocean the French steamer carrying his loved ones collided with another and sank within twelve minutes; 230 people lost their lives. The four daughters were drowned, but Mrs. Spafford was rescued. She wired her husband, “Saved alone.”
“Mr. Spafford was [understandably] overcome with grief. He had lost his property, his four precious daughters were buried beneath the dark waves of the sea, and his wife was prostrate with grief on the other side of the world. [Spafford could have relied on earthly wisdom and turned his grief into bitterness. He could have tried to get his pound of flesh from the French steamer company by filing lawsuits. He could have justified in his own mind being angry with God and the world, and shaking his fist at the One who allowed his earthly life to seemingly be destroyed]. Instead, he put all his trust in God and wrote a song that has comforted thousands since that time”:
“When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea-billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
‘It is well, it is well with my soul’”
SOURCE: Hughes, p. 304. As quoted by Tony Miani in his sermon "Two Kinds of Wisdom" (part 2) taken from Sernmoncentral.com. Contributed to Sermon central by: John Williams III
Play song and movie on power point: Selah “It is well with my soul”
Close with reading -- Psalm 116:1-7: (The Psalm of Grief)
1 I love the LORD, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came upon me;
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the LORD:
“O LORD, save me!”
5 The LORD is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
6 The LORD protects the simple hearted;
when I was in great need, he saved me.
7 Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the LORD has been good to you.
