What are Friends for?
Chapter Four
The Wounded Friend
Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
A good bus driver is one that follows the traffic laws, looks to the comfort of his passengers, and preferably has had no accidents. A good painter is one that is fast, uses good quality paint and is cautious of drips. If we can make job descriptions sound so simple and easy to recite, then what’s a good friend? Well, it shouldn’t be, but, a lot of times it sometimes depends upon a lot of different things. Take age for instance. If you were to go up to a youngster in the first grade and ask that question you might get something like this: a good friend is someone that doesn’t hit me, doesn’t cut in line and likes the same things I do. Or what about someone in high school? A good friend is someone that remembers my birthday, helps me with my homework (especially if I forgot to do mine), and likes the same things I do. Now, let’s ask the college person: a good friend is there to talk with me when I have problems, or to hang out with, or thinks like I do.
A common misconception that most people have is that friendship is all about me, though they would never dream of saying it that way. Many times people of all ages have this stereotypical picture of friendship: it’s all about me. People will tell you many reasons behind that picture but none of those reasons are without a selfish tint.
Another common misconception that most people have is that friendship shouldn’t take any effort to maintain. Their idea is that if the person wants to be their friend then that person needs to take the proper steps to maintain that relationship. But, is that really a relationship? Is that really what a true friend is? Or, is that a groupie?
Lasting relationships take time and active participation. Lasting relationships take patience and communication. Lasting relationships involve emotions and a kindred spirit.
What is a kindred spirit? It means you are drawn to another person through the Holy Spirit for mutual edification, friendship, and the glory of God!
Now you may argue that a kindred spirit is similar to liking what I like. No, that’s a physical emotion. Let me give you an example. I have a very good friend. Probably the closest person I have on this earth other than my wonderful wife and friend. He likes outdoor stuff, like hiking, camping, etc., while I can barely tolerate it. I like basketball, volleyball, etc., while he can barely tolerate it. He is very outgoing, while I’m not. He likes physical science and nature, I like computers and cooking. We really don’t have a lot in common and it takes a lot of communication to find out exactly what we want to do. But, that communication is the fun part. And, because we are kindred spirits, drawn together by the Holy Spirit, we work at it until we find something we want to do. Relationships take time, but the time is well worth it.
Have answered the question, what’s a good friend? Not entirely, but we have some other explanations that may point us in the right direction.
What do friends look like?
What do friends wear?
What do friends esteem?
What do friends say?
The Wounded Friend
What do friends look like?
The Bible tells us that Jesus, by the world’s standards, was not handsome man. It also tells us, and see our chapter four verse, that He was despised and rejected by men. Most of this was because of the message that He brought to this world. But, what if He had been a lot better looking? What if Jesus demonstrated more charisma? What if He had that type of character that just drew people to Him? Well, the answer is obvious. Many people would have only followed Him because of those things. Just like we do today. We attend church solely based on the great charisma, character, and good looks of the pastor that is leading the church. I mean, really, your friends wouldn’t let you pass one day without reminding you of that fact. Or, would they?
Okay, then, what do we mean, what do friends look like? Are we saying that we should purposefully go out and choose those that everyone else looks down on? No, but we shouldn’t let the fact that other people don’t like that person influence whether we should be friends with them. Let me give you an example.
I’ve spent a lot of time as a missionary in oriental countries. Especially Japan and South Korea. There is one thing that used to be very scarce in the far east and that is people that are very overweight (I say used to because western influence is reaching their waist lines, too.) Now, I’m not a picture of excellent fitness and health myself, but I’ve managed to keep my weight just under the bad for me mark. Well, let’s say that in my travels, I run across someone that is obese. First, we need to understand that, being in an oriental country, that person is going to be pointed out and talked about as soon as they walk by. Sometimes Asian people can get very frank about their thoughts. It’s culturally acceptable, you see.
Now, let’s say that person I run across happens to be a kindred spirit. But, I resist the feeling and decide not to pursue a friendly relationship with them. Why? All because I am basing my friends on what they look like.
Two things are going to happen. First, I’m going to miss out on a great opportunity to gain a new friend, and secondly, I’m going to quench the Holy Spirit’s work in my life. That person was brought into your life by God! And, now, we want to pick and choose?
When we start putting conditions on relationships because of looks, those relationships will always fail. But, hey, that’s up to you, especially if you’re only thinking about what people will say.
Read this verse from Isaiah and see if you can see relationships in there anywhere.
(Isaiah 54:2) "Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.
What do friends wear?
Oh, you mean the guy in the expensive, hand-made Italian suit? Yea, that’s what we’re talking about. There’s just something about a fine set of clothes, isn’t there?
Don’t get me wrong, having a good set of clothes for church, dinner parties, or for special events is great. However, you can go overboard. It’s very essential to have perspective when you’re selecting your wardrobe.
Okay, okay, let’s start again. Have you ever had this conversation with someone? Maybe, with yourself?
"Oh, Lord save me from this! There goes John in his plaid ‘tent’ pants and camouflage boonie hat. He wouldn’t be such a loser if he’d keep up with the trends. Why can’t he keep up with the latest fashions? It’s not that hard. Uh-oh, looks like he’s coming in here! Did he see me? Maybe if I duck behind this magazine rack he won’t see me. Yeah, I’ll duck behind these fashion mags, he’ll never think to look for me there."
Not going around with someone simply because of what they are wearing is absurd. Now, I’m basing this on people that have a good dose of modesty, a somewhat normal fashion sense [plaids and stripes don’t mix] and of course proper perspective.
When I think of fashion, I think of my father. I remember that virtually every time I saw my father he had his overhauls on. He wore them practically all his life. He wore them to work and he wore them to ball games. He didn’t wear them to church or weddings [especially his daughters’ weddings], or big events like that. His fashion sense was a good pair of overhauls, a light-weight short sleeves shirt for summer or long for winter. He didn’t care if anyone liked them or not. He liked them and that was enough.
On the opposite side of the spectrum will be those that are so absurd in their dress that it’s all about them anyway. And, I would question anyone’s intention on striking up a relationship with them.
However, on the other hand basing a relationship upon what one wears is certainly called for! What? Sure, as long they are wearing humility and have their heart clothed in the Holy Spirit! Which means, it’s not the clothes that are making the individual. It’s their relationship with the Lord.
What do friends esteem?
First of all, what do you value? What do you cherish? There’s a very good chance that the one the Lord put you in contact with will value those same things. We’re not talking about steak, or shrimp, though. What we’re talking about is this. Where is your heart with regard to His church and ministering to His People? Is your passion missions? Teaching? Service? Chances are you will see your friend-to-be on that front line with you.
What do friends esteem? They will value their relationship with you. And, they will go to good lengths to maintain that relationship. Again, relationships take work. Don’t enter into a friendship relation, unless you’re willing to maintain it properly. If you don’t put gas in a car, it will soon stop running. If you don’t put energy into a relationship, it will soon stop running!
What do friends esteem? They will value their relationship with you and your relationship with God! And, it should be reciprocal. If I’m not placing value on a relationship, that other person will know right away. If people don’t place value on a relationship, then disinterest will be visible. Your mind will wander when you’re talking to them, and, the awful thing is, they’ll know it!
What do friends esteem? They will value your time. They won’t waste it, but help you to conserve it.
What do friends esteem? They will value your relationships with other friends and understand prior commitments.
What do friends say?
What would you want them to say? If you’re only looking for compliments, then you’re not looking for a friend, you’re looking for a groupie. The Bible tells us:
(Proverbs 27:6) Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.
People that want things from you will tell you what makes you happy. Or, in other words, they tickle your ears. People that are looking to get something from you will only give you compliments until they get what they want. Then, they’re back to calling you a loser and laughing at you when you walk by.
Real friends, on the other hand, will let you know what they think. Oh, don’t worry. A real friend will have your best interests at heart, and, hopefully, will be more tactful and modest than a cellophane swimsuit
What do friends say? They tell you not only what you need to hear, but, sometimes they sense you need more than that. Real friends will sense when you need to hear a complement, even when you’ve done nothing worth complimenting. How about you?
What do friends say? Sometimes, it’s what they don’t say. They don’t let you know I told you so, but come to you with a shoulder to cry on when you didn’t follow their suggestions.
Jesus didn’t mince words when He talked with His disciples. He called them friends, but, if they weren’t doing what was in their best spiritual interest, He would let them know it. How about you? Would you do that for a friend? Would you tell them that something is not good for them, or, they need to read the Bible more?
What do friends say? They say prayers for their friends.
The Wounded Friend
Isaiah 53:3 He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
What does a true friend do? I mean, if you count yourself a friend, are you reading the Bible and looking out for my best interest in the Lord? I know I need help. This is a world that takes no prisoners and is only happy when people are throwing dirt at each other.
Does a true friend throw dirt? You know, throwing dirt gets a lot of people dirty and not just the one for whom the dirt was intended. First of all, when you throw dirt you have to pick it up and handle it. You get yourself dirty! Secondly, dirt doesn’t stick together very well when you throw it. Inevitably you are going to sling dirt on other people as well and get them dirty. Yes, lot’s of people will feel the influence of mud-slinging or dirt throwing!
If we were to look at the excellent example of the life of Jesus, we would see His response to just this sort of action. Remember the woman that had been caught in the act of adultery? The Jewish leaders brought her before the Lord and ask Him what they should do with her. What did He say?
(John 8:7) So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.
What does a true friend do?
(Isaiah 53:5-7) But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. 6 All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all. 7 He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a lamb to the slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.
(Philippians 2:13-15) For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure. 14 Do all things without murmurings and disputings: 15 That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;
A good friend will go that extra mile not because he has to but because he wants to IN JESUS. A good friend will stop a rumor before it goes past their lips IN JESUS. A good friend will read the Bible and watch over me with prayer and scripture IN JESUS. A good friend will rebuke me when I’m wrong, help me when I’m down, and not open his mouth in complaint about it IN JESUS. And, I will reciprocate, and not for the sake of reciprocation, but for the sake of Jesus, Who went to the cross for me.
Summary
A soldier that stays in the rear area out of the line of fire will be safe. A fish that swims with the stream’s current will expend little energy. A friend that has never been wounded by me or on behalf of me, cannot really be called a friend. And, if I, in turn, have never been wounded, then can I call myself a friend?
Friendship is a deeper relationship than the world can offer, or wants to offer. Yet, that is what Jesus offers us. He offers to become our friend. Won’t you take Him up on His offer today?
