Here’s today’s trivia quiz: which country has the highest and which country has the lowest divorce rate? (highest is Belarus 68% [divorces as a % of marriages]. Lowest is Macedonia 5%. U.S. Rate is 49%)
When looked at another way - the number of divorces per 1,000 population per year - Sri Lanka has the lowest (.15) and the U.S. has the highest (4.95) - source: Divorce Magazine September 2004 www.divorcemag.com
Last year the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (yes, there really is one) released a study of the five top reasons for divorce: financial difficulties, poor communication, lack of commitment, mid-life crisis or major change in priorities, and marital infidelity.
Marriage is under attack - not only are marriages failing in record numbers - but the very definition of marriage is being redefined in the courts and city halls of our state and other states around the country.
It’s getting to the point where people are thinking that marriage is dead! I say - not so fast. God created marriage long ago in the Garden of Eden and He is still working through men and women who commit to each other - and even better, He uses marriage to draw people to Himself. That’s what we’re going to study today - what marriage is, how to be the best husband or wife you can be, and how God uses marriage as a picture of His love.
Last time we studied verses 1-20 of chapter 5. It was about imitating God instead of aping the vulgarity of the world system that surrounds us. And I said that the first 20 verses are really an introduction for the rest of the chapter and the first part of chapter 6. The reason is that first we must unglue ourselves from the pattern of the world - so that we can mirror the pattern of Christ and the church.
We don’t want to send mixed messages. But we do want to paint a picture of God’s love - in our marriages, our families, and in our activities. This way the lost around us can see a clear difference and get an idea of what God really intends - to shower us with His love and salvation. I want this to be the bedrock as we study what can seem to be a controversial section.
Verses 21 - 33 are really part one of a three part discussion on relationships - husband and wife, parents and children, worker and boss. The pattern is the same - Paul first talks to the wife, child, and worker - then addresses the responsibilities of the husband, parent, and boss. We’re going to actually break it up - today talking about marriage, then next time about the other relationships.
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
There is some discussion about whether verse 21 belongs with verse 22 and following, or finishes up the thought begun in verse 18 - but most scholars seem to agree that verse 21 looks forward - supplying the verb "to submit" to verse 22 which does not have a verb.
Why is this important? Because it flavors everything that is said in the remainder of the chapter (and the beginning of the next)
We need to understand that we are all equal under Christ - remember Galatians 3:28? "There is neither male nor female ?" Given that equality, there are roles for each of us to play in order for relationships to function correctly. That’s why Paul in Chapter 4 says that we are each individual joints supplying important, yet different functions to the body of Christ.
The Message renders this: "out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to each other."
It’s important because bottom line: men and women can greatly affect the other - men can demean their wives and women can undermine their husbands.
22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Remember, now - the word "submit" is not actually in this verse - it is added from the verb in verse 21. The actual Greek phrase is: "(feminine) wives, (masculine) unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord."
Neither the chauvinist or feminist position on these verses are correct.
Wives submitting means to lovingly accept the spiritual leadership of her husband and supporting and caring for him, rather than undermining his efforts to lead the home. The submission is "as unto the Lord" or "as is fitting to the Lord." It doesn’t mean he IS lord - but as the church submits to Christ’s leadership, so too a wife to her husband. Notice that if the husband ever asks his wife to do anything that Jesus would not ask - she is under no obligation to obey.
I think this also presupposes a Christian marriage - Paul has other things to say to those married to non-Christians.
"Submission" is the word in Greek that means "to rank under" - it is a military term. I liken a marriage to the United States government. The President is Commander in Chief - he has to make the final call. But he would never consider a decision without hearing from his general’s. So too, a wife must be an active participant in the decisions of the marriage - even if the husband must make the final call - and bear the final responsibility.
That means when a husband steps out of line - like a president about to push "the button" - she needs to speak up, sometimes forcefully.
Feminism calls on women to look down on men and undermine them whenever possible (the opposite of chauvinism). In good marriages the wife respects and looks up to her husband and encourages him to follow the Lord whenever possible.
Women, you have no idea how much influence you have over your husband - to help or to hurt. Take that responsibility seriously. Men will do what they think their women want them to do - for good or for evil. Remember Jezebel?
Sometimes in pre-marital counseling the husband-to-be reads this verse and says "yeah" I can get into this - "my wife is supposed to submit to me - I’m the head, I’m the big cheese." Before you celebrate, you might want to see what you’ve signed up for in verses 25 through 33.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
Love here is agape - that self sacrificing, substitutional, surrendering love that gives the last ounce.
A husband has two major responsibilities - to give himself for his wife - and to help his wife see healing and wholeness.
I tell you - just thinking about these verses convicts me - and should every man.
Husbands - do you love your wife so much that you’d give up anything, everything - even your life - to save hers? How often we think that our friends, our hobbies, our interests - have primary importance - after all, we "bring home the bacon" But in reality everything we have and do ought to be done in a way that ensures our wife’s best.
Jesus cleanses his church - do you cleanse your wife by washing her with the Word of God? I would encourage you to make it your aim to look for ways to heal the hurts and wounds your wife may have suffered - and do things to encourage her growth in Christ.
It shows both the connection of Jesus to His church - and the connection of husbands to their wives - she should be like an extension of your own body.
29 After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church- 30 for we are members of his body.
This is actually really profound - what if you were to shower only half of your body - and leave the rest dirty and smelly. What if you fed only half your body or if part of you got sick you just let it go? That’s what it’s like when you don’t tend to your wife, husbands. They are connected to you - you can be the head but unless you have arms and legs it’s kind of hard to get around.
As you feed and care for your wife you feed and care for yourself too.
Think about it in terms of the church too - we are connected to Jesus in a profound way. What a privilege.
31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." 32 This is a profound mystery-but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
The quote comes from Genesis - the first marriage. Notice it is the man who must leave (Gen 2:24). You are not separate from your wife but one with her. You can’t just "do your own thing" anymore. It’s a big responsibility but also a wonderful opportunity.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: 10 If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? 12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Notice that there are three verses for the wife - 9 verses (3 times as many) for the husband.
Notice too that there are directions for the wife - commands for the husband. (?)
Why is this so important?
1. Marriage is a covenant
It is a picture of God’s unending and unbreakable covenant with us
Divorce or perversion of marriage ruins that picture that God uses to draw
2. Marriage is a commitment
It is more important than our feelings or our wants. God put our needs above His - and so husbands and wives need to put the marriage above their individual needs (the two are one)
3. Marriage is a picture of the gospel
Want to win your friends and relatives to Christ? Spend time on your marriage. Want to turn people off to Jesus? Ignore it.
Good marriage materials:
www.FamilyLife.com
www.FocusOnTheFamily.org
In conclusion let me stress that marriage mirrors what Jesus said about the church: the concept of servant leadership and respectful submission. It carries on into discussions about family and work - which we’ll see next time.
A lot of problems in marriage are caused by selfishness. And a lot of them can be solved by self sacrificial love, and mutual respect.
Philippians 2:4-8 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
5 Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, 7 but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. 8 And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross!
What are some common errors people make about marriage?
1. Marriage is an agreement as long as I love the other person
2. Men are in charge in a marriage
3. Marriage is a 50/50 proposition
For more Bible studies and an audio copy of this message, please visit:
www.CalvaryChapelNewberg.org.
