Churches suffer when this category is ignored or downplayed. Paul listed three very specific requirements concerning a leader’s family life. We
ignore them at our own peril.
1. Husband of one wife 1 Timothy 3:2
Unfortunately this qualification has been so wrapped up in controversy that we have missed its essential teaching. In Greek the phrase literally reads "a one-woman man." What does that mean? There are several
possibilities:
1. Only one wife at a time
2. Never divorced or remarried
3. Never remarried even after the death of the wife
4. Marital faithfulness
Everyone agrees that # 1 is included. This standard clearly excludes polygamy, bigamy and digamy. There are good arguments for and against # 2. I would say that I doubt that # 3 is intended since it seems to
contradict what Paul says in I Corinthians 7 about the advisability of remarriage.
The fourth option suggests that Paul has in mind marital faithfulness as a character quality of a godly leader. Why is that important? Because if a
man is not faithful to his wife, how can he be trusted to be faithful to his obligations elsewhere? If a man cheats on his wife, where else will he cheat?
Here are some questions we ought to ask about potential leaders:
1. Is he a flirt? Does he have roving eyes?
2. Are his affections centered on his wife?
3. Does he demonstrate that affection and loyalty in ways others can see?
4. Is his marriage a model for others to follow?
5. Is he above reproach in his dealings with the opposite sex?
6. Is his life free from pornography in every form?
Many Christian men who have never been divorced would have trouble answering those questions. That’s why I regard this as a higher standard
than simply asking, "Has he ever been divorced?" The real question is, "What kind of marriage does this man have?"
For that matter, many divorced men couldn’t meet this standard either. If a man has been married more than once, and if he has children from his previous marriage, it will be quite difficult for him to truly be a "one-woman man" as regards his present wife. He may have alimony to think about, child support payments to make, relational difficulties to solve,
old wounds that need to heal, and so on. In every divorce there is sin on every side, and that sin leaves lasting scars that remain for many years.
To say that is not to say that a divorced man should never be an elder. Each case needs to be considered indivi-dually. But divorced men will have a harder time meeting this standard. That’s the inevitable fallout from a world where divorce has become all too common.
Back to the main point. I understand the phrase "husband of one wife" to be teaching that an elder must have "an exclusive relationship with one
woman and one woman only." It’s a positive statement about loyalty and faithfulness. Seen in this light, to be the "husband of one wife" is a moral qualification, not simply a marital qualification. The issue is the quality of the marriage, not simply the legal state of the marriage.
(Two quick side questions:
1. Does this mean that an elder must be
married? No, the phrase is not "husband of a wife" but "husband of one wife." The contrast is not between having a wife or not having a wife,
but between having one wife and having many wives. I think it is fair to say that Paul assumes that most elders will be married, but he does not
require marriage. The meaning is, "If he is married, he must be a one-woman man."
2. Does this mean that an elder must be a man? Yes, I
think that’s the clear assumption behind the text. However, I think the question is answered definitely in 1 Timothy 2:8-15. This list of qualifications merely assumes in chapter 3 what Paul makes explicit in
chapter 2. After all, a single man could get married and thus become a "one-woman man" but a woman could never literally meet that requirement no
matter how it is understood.)
2. Manages own household well 1 Timothy 3:4-5
The word "manage" means "to stand before and lead." The word "well" means "in an orderly fashion." Paul says that when we need leaders we should begin by looking for those men who handle their families in an orderly fashion.
But why does he bring up the family? Because the home is the best training ground for local church leadership. Spiritual leadership begins at home! The family is like a church in miniature where the father is the pastor of his own family. And the church is like a large family where the elders are the spiritual fathers who care for God’s children.
Notice the penetrating question Paul asks: "If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church?" The word translated "take care of" is the same verb used of the Good Samaritan who "took care of" the poor man he found on the road. It means to "assume personal responsibility for the care of another person." That’s what a father is to do for his family. As the head of the home, God holds him responsible for his wife and children. He’s got to answer to God someday for what happens to them. If a man fails at that great task, how can we dare to give him a leadership position in the local church?
So the home is the church in miniature and the birthplace of budding spiritual leaders. Habits formed there last forever. Principles imparted
there are never forgotten. Eternal truth is hammered out on the anvil of daily life.
Remember, elders don’t run a business. They lead a family! A man who learns to lead his family well will someday make an excellent elder.
Managing involves many things, including the following:
A. Setting priorities
B. Planning for the future
C. Providing what is needed
D. Handling crisis situations
By the way, when is management best seen? In a crisis. Anyone can lead a business when things are going well. Good managers shine when the business is in trouble. The same is true at home. Family problems should not disqualify a man from spiritual leadership. It’s not what happens but how he responds that makes all the difference. Some men rise to the
occasion; others cut and run. The men who rise in a crisis are the leaders you want.
So how do you respond when you daughter turns up pregnant? What do you do when your son turns to drugs? What will you say when you have to file for
bankruptcy? How will you react when you suddenly lose your job? What if your oldest son flunks out of college? What if your wife needs hospitalization? What if your marriage is in trouble? Will you face the
problem or will you try to avoid it? Good managers never walk away from a problem. They face life head on and deal with it honestly.
3. Children who obey him Titus 1:6
This particular qualification is stated two different ways. 1 Timothy 3:4 says the elder must "see that his children obey him with proper respect." Titus 1:6 is more specific: "a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient."These verses arefrighteningly specific. I say that in full view of the fact that I have three boys living at home-ages 13, 11 and 8. The challenge today is to raise godly children in a world that constantly pulls in the opposite direction. We aren’t told how the father is to do this, but we are told what the results will look like:
1. Children who believe (or it may mean faithful to the parents).
2. Children who obey.
3. Children who show proper respect.
4. Children who are not wild.
5. Children who are not disobedient.
One or two points deserve special mention. He’s probably not speaking of young children, and possibly not even of teenagers. He may be envisioning
grown children who have already left the home and gone out on their own. Certainly that is the only way to get a long-range view of how the children have turned out. I look at my own three boys and say, "So far,
so good." But we’ve got a long way to go.
The word "wild" is literally "unsaved." It means to live an "unsaved" lifestyle. It refers to a wild, indulgent, immoral and debauched way of life-one that is typical of the surrounding pagan community. More than that, the word speaks of excessive lewdness as a pattern of life. Children make many mistakes in the course of life, but those raised in a godly home will be inclined toward righteousness. Some will try drugs,
many will rebel, many will be trapped by immorality, some will seek abortions, others will break the law, but the seeds of a godly heritage will eventually bear fruit along the way.
To summarize:
1. An elder should be a model father.
2. No one can raise "perfect" children who never make mistakes.
3. The godly man never gives up on his children.
4. Wild and disobedient children reflect badly on a father’s ability to guide others.
5. How a father responds to a crisis in his family reveals much about his ability to handle crisis in the church.
A godly leader takes great care with his children knowing that they are his single greatest contribution to the world. One writer describes the
ideal father this way:
"His firmness makes it advisable for the child to obey."
"His wisdom makes it natural for the child to obey."
"His love makes it a pleasure for the child to obey."
Do your children respect you enough to submit to your leadership? If so, then you are an excellent candidate for leadership in the local church.
Summary:
The ideal or perfect leader has a family that is committed to Jesus Christ, where the husband loves his wife and the wife is dedicated to her husband’s spiritual leadership, where the grown children love Jesus Christ and love and respect their father. That’s the picture! It’s takes time to build a family like this and it takes a father with the discipline and desire to see it happen. But it’s worth it in the end.
