Dealing with difficult people, part 2 - Eph. 4
The outline of my study comes from a magazine article by Dr. Richard Dobbins, which was printed in Ministries Today, March/April 2003 issue.
When it comes to dealing with difficult people, we must remember to "keep our own garden groomed" and not pick the weeds in someone else’s garden. The basis of our study is Ephesians 4 where we are all exhorted to "no longer be children" but to "speak the truth in love" and thereby give evidence that we are "growing up" !
Eph 4:14-16 .... we should no longer be children, tossed to and fro and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, in the cunning craftiness of deceitful plotting, 15 but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head--Christ-- 16 from whom the whole body, joined and knit together by what every joint supplies, according to the effective working by which every part does its share, causes growth of the body for the edifying of itself in love. NKJV
The first three characters we talked about were anger based:
The Sherman Tank, Gen 4:19 Lamech boasted, "I have killed a man for wounding me, even a young man for hurting me." If we have characteristics like that we need to find a place of repentance before God, and begin learning a new way of handling conflict!
If you are attacked by a Sherman Tank personality ... don’t wilt! Listen to them, then respond with something like, "That is interesting, I have a different point of view than you, but in my opinion ...." and tell him firmly and without anger how you feel. If he interrupts you, say, "Excuse me, you interrupted me." And then continue with your explanation.
The Sniper, 2 Sam 6:20 tells of the sarcasm of Michal, the wife of King David, as she sniped at him. The Sniper can be healed by God’s forgiveness, too! If possible, confront them in private. Let them know you felt as if they were digging at you with their comments, and ask them, "Did you mean it that way?" If they attempt to dismiss your question, let them know, "I distinctly heard a dig in the tone of your voice." If they persist in sniping at you in public, at that moment ask the others who hear them, "Do all of you agree with what was just said?’ This relieves you of being further involved and allows others in the group to confront the person instead.
The Land Mine is also angry. King Saul attempted to spear David on three occasions! They want you to walk softly around them, thereby creating an atmosphere of fear and frustration. Find a time in private where you can make good eye contact and say, "I want to hear what you have to say, but not in this way." Then get the facts straight and offer some practical help, if possible.
But not all difficult people are angry, some are fearful, some are frustrated, and they don’t know how to handle their emotions!
The first one of these I want to talk about is called The Waffler. John 18:28 has the story of Pilate as he waffled on making the right decision.
John 18:28 Then they led Jesus from Caiaphas to the Praetorium, ......... 29 Pilate then went out to them and said, "What accusation do you bring against this Man?" 30 They answered and said to him, "If He were not an evildoer, we would not have delivered Him up to you." 31 Then Pilate said to them, "You take Him and judge Him according to your law." Therefore the Jews said to him, "It is not lawful for us to put anyone to death," ........ 33 Then Pilate entered the Praetorium again, called Jesus, and said to Him, "Are You the King of the Jews?" 34 Jesus answered him, "Are you speaking for yourself about this, or did others tell you this about Me?" 35 Pilate answered, "Am I a Jew? Your own nation and the chief priests have delivered You to me. What have You done?" 36 Jesus answered, "My kingdom is not of this world. ......... " 37 Pilate therefore said to Him, "Are You a king then?" Jesus answered, "You say rightly that I am a king. ....... Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice." 38 Pilate said to Him, "What is truth?" And when he had said this, he went out again to the Jews, and said to them, "I find no fault in Him at all. 39 But you have a custom that I should release someone to you at the Passover. Do you therefore want me to release to you the King of the Jews?" 40 Then they all cried again, saying, "Not this Man, but Barabbas!" Now Barabbas was a robber. NKJV
Apparently Pilate had some leadership ability because he was an officer in the Roman government, but his leadership skills were flawed. Pilate apparently did not believe Jesus deserved to die, but the local authorities, the priest, and the immediate public opinion was against Jesus. Was it fear of people or fear of failure which caused the inflated ego of Pilate to allow the wrong decision to be made?
A person who waffles is someone who cannot make up their own minds as to what they should do. They will often agree with two different people, even when they have two opposing ideas! Often a waffler will not make a decision at all ... or withdraw from making decisions ... rather than face the discomfort of rejection. When pressured a waffler will often do whatever they are pressured into doing by the strongest force ... or leave. Pilate feared Rome, feared unrest from the people he governed, and he apparently feared conflict; therefore bad choices were made!
A good leader needs to make decisions based on what is right ... what is true ... and what pleases God. While everyone’s opinion needs to be heard, you cannot usually make a final decision by waiting to find out what everyone else thinks, because a popular vote of the majority doesn’t always determine what is right, true, or what pleases God.
When dealing with someone who always waffles you may need to help them make a decision by saying something like, "It might be better if you would .... "
The story of Gideon was of a man who was called from a life of waffling. He became a courageous deliverer for Israel, but when asked to become the ruler of Israel ... he refused. His answer sounded noble, "Let God rule over you." Judges 8:22. But without leadership, the nation fell into chaos, idolatry, and eventually bondage. Our nation, our community, our church, and our homes, need men and women who are willing to find what is right, what is true, and what pleases God ... and then live by it with the help of God!
The next difficult person to deal with is The Complainer. Our example is King Ahab:
1 Kings 21:1 And it came to pass after these things that Naboth the Jezreelite had a vineyard which was in Jezreel, next to the palace of Ahab king of Samaria. 2 So Ahab spoke to Naboth, saying, "Give me your vineyard, that I may have it for a vegetable garden, because it is near, next to my house; and for it I will give you a vineyard better than it. Or, if it seems good to you, I will give you its worth in money." 3 But Naboth said to Ahab, "The LORD forbid that I should give the inheritance of my fathers to you!" 4 So Ahab went into his house sullen and displeased because of the word which Naboth the Jezreelite had spoken to him; for he had said, "I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers." And he lay down on his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no food.
5 But Jezebel his wife came to him, and said to him, "Why is your spirit so sullen that you eat no food?" 6 He said to her, "Because I spoke to Naboth the Jezreelite, and said to him, ’Give me your vineyard for money; or else, if it pleases you, I will give you another vineyard for it.’ And he answered, ’I will not give you my vineyard.’ " 7 Then Jezebel his wife said to him, "You now exercise authority over Israel! Arise, eat food, and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite." 8 And she wrote letters in Ahab’s name, sealed them with his seal, and sent the letters to the elders and the nobles who were dwelling in the city with Naboth. 9 She wrote in the letters, saying, Proclaim a fast, and seat Naboth with high honor among the people; 10 and seat two men, scoundrels, before him to bear witness against him, saying, "You have blasphemed God and the king." Then take him out, and stone him, that he may die. NKJV
Both the Waffler and the Complainer (Crybaby) character live in a state of fear, and the difficulty of working with them is that they will allow someone else’s opinion to become theirs. When listening to them you aren’t always sure "who" you are talking to! With King Ahab ... it was Jezebel! Although King Ahab was the ruler of Israel, he was ruled by his wife, and her decisions were often deadly!
A Complainer usually feels powerless in their personal lives ... they complain a lot about things but they aren’t willing to stand up and make any changes without the permission of the person who runs their life. Although they complain a lot ... they seldom if ever have a solution to the problem which they complain about ... but they are willing to talk endlessly about the problem! The major concern in working with a crybaby is the potential of someone controlling their thoughts and activities. In King Ahab’s case, Jezebel ordered the murder of a man in the name of King Ahab!
When working with a complainer, listen to their complaint so they know you have heard them – but don’t agree with them! And don’t apologize for disagreeing with them. Instead, get them involved with finding a solution to their problems. If they want to talk it to death, don’t be afraid to say: "Look, Joe, I have some things I need to do. How do you think we can sum this all us?" After a moment of any further discussion, excuse yourself.
The next character is The Wet Blanket, they too are fearful people.
Num 13:30 Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses, and said, "Let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it." 31 But the men who had gone up with him said, "We are not able to go up against the people, for they are stronger than we." 32 And they gave the children of Israel a bad report of the land which they had spied out, saying, "The land through which we have gone as spies is a land that devours its inhabitants, and all the people whom we saw in it are men of great stature. 33 There we saw the giants (the descendants of Anak came from the giants); and we were like grasshoppers in our own sight, and so we were in their sight." NKJV
"Yes, but ...." Seems to be the watch word for the Wet Blanket. They are not happy people! Their fear causes them to feel that no one can be trusted, nothing will work out well, and surely disaster is just around the corner! Lord, deliver us from the Wet Blankets who have nothing good to say about the work of the Lord! Their negative words demands that something positive be ready in reply for every negative word they say. Be ready!
Notice, the Lord did not allow those who followed the fear and unbelief of the Wet Blankets to have a second chance of entering the Promised Land. He knew they would never be able to conquer the land! The giants would always be too big, the armies too strong, the sun too hot, the winter too cold, and on and on. It is too easy for those with a negative report to overcome the positive faith of men like Joshua and Caleb!
When dealing with the Wet Blanket personality, get them to define for you the absolute worst thing they think can happen ... BUT DON’T LET THEM DRAG YOU THERE! Then be ready to take positive action in spite of what they say. Remember, they have practiced their doom and gloom for a long time ...... and you have the responsibility of practicing faith in spite of their negative report!
We all have the potential of becoming a Waffler, or a Complainer, or a Wet Blanket ... if we are moved by fear of people, fear of failure, or fear of the future! We all need to grow in our faith, believing that Jesus Christ has better things for us that what we have already received! The Bible says, "Faith comes from hearing, and hearing from the Word of God". If you fall into one of these fearful categories ... strengthen your faith by reading the Word of God, praying in the Spirit, and disciplining your mind and your mouth according to:
Phil 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy--meditate on these things. 9 The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you. NKJV
