Taming a Hurtful Tongue
Ephesians 4:29-32
Week one
I don’t mean to upset anyone, but someone brought a lethal weapon with them to Church this morning. For purposes of security and safety, our ushers should have asked some to check such deadly weapons at the door...but they really couldn’t, because they come attached. I’m speaking-of course-about our tongues.
James speaks of this weapon in Scripture when he calls it a raging fire, untamable, and full of deadly poison. Proverbs 18:21 says -- "Death and life are in the power of the tongue."
Paul the Apostle was passionate about whether or not we set a good example for others and whether or not we use our words in a way that accurately reflects the life of God that is in us.
This passage teaches that the Christian walk is a continually repeated two-step process- of putting off the old habits and putting on new attitudes and behavior that pleases God. This passage dives into detail and depth regarding the most important things we need to know about how to communicate as a Christian.
Paul says that as Christians, it is imperative that we put off “unwholesome talk”. What’s he getting at? In Paul’s day, the word translated "unwholesome" or "corrupt" was used to describe fish which had been on the dock too long, or rotten fruit that wreaked with the smell of decay. Unwholesome communication refers to worthless speech which is in some way decayed, diseased, and disgusting. It could include obscene talk, crude vulgarity, gossip, idle rumors, sarcastic jabs, slander, profanity, and undeserved harsh criticism.
The picture here is that of rotten words coming out of the same mouth that blesses God. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths."
I. Dealing with the Symptoms v. 29-30
Dealing with the symptoms includes two disciplines:
A. To avoid and stop any unwholesome talk
B. To speak what is helpful for building others up
Paul gives us three guidelines for Christlike conversation, three questions to ask ourselves so we can evaluate our words and their effect on others:
1. Are my words helpful?
Does what I say help or hurt? Do they do the person good, or damage or discourage him in some way?
2. Are my words constructive?
Do they build up the person I’m talking to and encourage him or do they tear him down in some way?
3. Are my words needful?
Some times we are so careless with our words. Sometimes we say things in such a way that it hinders others in their walk with God. Careless evaluations, careless comparisons, careless comments, careless questions, careless assumptions -people did this all the time to Jesus...foolishly evaluating Him on misunderstood assumptions, condemning Him for misapplied scriptural directives, assuming the worst about him without facts to back it up. Because of who Jesus was, He handled the hurtful words without any difficulty...but when any of us do the same with one another, we will probably injure our friend and do damage to the relationship. God says we shouldn’t do that. These are God’s three criteria for consciously governing our choice of words: Is it helpful, is it constructive, is it needful?
The point here is not that God wants us to repress the truth or to be silent about spiritual issues and accountability. If we know that God wants us to speak to a friend about a spiritual issue that we are concerned about, then we are to go to that person with a clear understanding of our scriptural responsibility and have a heart to heart talk - ask questions for clarification and share your concern. Be ready to encourage them and pray for them. In that way, we are doing properly what Paul said in vs. 25 about speaking truth in love.
Speaking the truth in love will not always involve words that are pleasant or nice, for it may involve asking someone a tough question, or confronting someone about a problem, or going to ask for forgiveness when you’ve done something wrong. Those things aren’t always ’nice’ or ’comfortable’. But they can be helpful, constructive, and needful.
So, here’s the application: Begin to look at every temptation to use words that condemn, or accuse, or criticize, or to gossip as a reminder, a signal, to use your tongue to speak wholesome words instead. Every time you catch yourself about to say something mean or snide or profane, let that be a red flag in your mind that says, "here’s my opportunity to put off the old and put on the new by saying something that’s not only clean, but is also helpful, constructive, and needful."
C. Why? Why is this so important?
To stay in fellowship with the Holy Spirit.
Verse 30 gives us the reason -- "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption."
To grieve a person means to deeply hurt their feelings, to bring inner sorrow and emotional pain to their heart. Whenever we use unwholesome words we also grieve the Holy Spirit who lives in us. What happens when you grieve Him, when you offend Him? Does He pack His bags and leave you? Do you lose your salvation? No! Paul says right here that as a Christian you have been sealed with the Holy Spirit. This seal is both God’s mark of ownership on your life and your guarantee of his love and desire to be in relationship with you. In the business world, a seal on a registered letter is a promise from the Postal Service that the enclosed contents will arrive safely at their intended destination without any tampering. God says that as a Christian, He has sealed you with His Holy Spirit until the day of redemption, which is when Christ will return to give you a resurrected body. So, if you are saved, the seal of the Holy Spirit makes you ready for heaven, so that even when you grieve the Spirit, God will work on us to correct us. He’ll never give up on you, and He’ll never leave you.
If that is so, then what is the consequence of grieving the Spirit through the use of an undisciplined tongue? It is this: grieving the Spirit results in you having a temporary loss of fellowship with God.
It’s like what happens when you yell at a family member and you stomp out of the room; you have grieved that person, you have cut them off and hurt them with your words, and as a result, your relationship is wounded, your sense of closeness and harmony is gone.
How can this problem of living with a grieved Spirit be resolved? You must deal with the problem that grieved Him in the first place by confessing your sin, and you must correct the problem by committing yourself to being obedient to God’s will. Only that will restore our fellowship with God.
II. Dealing with the Root Causes v. 31-32
It’s one thing to notice the symptoms of a problem and it’s another to deal with the root causes and that’s what Paul is encouraging us to do.
A.We are to get rid of the causes of unwholesome talk-vs. 31
B.We are to Imitate the life of Christ Jesus-vs. 32
In verse 31 Paul exposes 6 ugly attitudes.
Read vs. 31
Let’s make sure we understand what each of these means.
First, the word bitterness speaks of a sour spirit, an irritable, negative, cynical outlook toward life that produces very hard and harsh opinions of people. It is a resentful attitude of the heart that refuses to let go of grievances and be reconciled.
Second, the word rage speaks of passionate outbursts of anger, accompanied by some kind of an explosion and then hateful words and harsh behavior follows.
Third, the word anger refers to the long-term, chronic, habitual hostility that continually boils and simmers within. It often involves holding on to an unshakable desire to punish someone, to strike back, to seek revenge.
Fourth, the word brawling describes a person getting so excited over a quarrel that he raises his voice and starts shouting loudly, yelling in order to bawl someone out, intimidate and control them.
Fifth, the word slander refers to words spoken behind someone’s back which hurts them, insults them, defames and destroys their reputation through gossip and rumor. If we’re really honest, most of us have been guilty of this one over and over again. It should get our attention that this rather “quiet” sin is listed among these other “loud” sins. It should get our attention that this rather “subtle” sin is listed among these other “obvious” sins.
A true and tragic story about a particular family may bring this into focus for all of us. Several years ago a man had a rather mild argument with his wife and then left to run some errands. When he came back several hours later, there were police cars in front of his house. While he was gone, his wife killed their two children and herself in a moment of despair. The police found out that a neighbor had instigated an ugly rumor that he had been unfaithful to his wife. His wife believed the gossip. It was more than she could take - to escape the pain and anguish she removed herself and their two sons from the rumors effect.
The rumor was not true. Yet the damage was done!!
Paul calls this kind of sin Slander!! How often have we been guilty of this one even if it wasn’t as serious? How often have we hurt others and the work of God because we couldn’t keep our mouth shut?
Proverbs 11:13; 20:19; 25:9-10
A lady in our fellowship gave me this - a word from her grandmother-“Before a word is spoken-you are the master of it. After a word is spoken, it is the master of you!”
Some Christians cloak gossip in the best of light-“Oh I want you to pray for so and so” - or “I just can’t bear this alone, so you’ve got to promise you won’t tell anyone else - it’s a secret.” I suppose you know by now that trying to keep a secret is like trying to sneak daylight past a rooster.
Someone said - “I can keep a secret, but the people I tell it to can’t.” Some of the biggest blunders in life come because of what we say. Let me add to that-before we ever pass on a juicy bit of news about someone else, we should ask ourselves two questions:
1-If this was about me or my family, would I want my friends telling others what I’m about ready to say?
2-Will God be pleased with what I say?
Pray- (end week one)
Taming a Hurtful Tongue
Ephesians 4:29-32
Week 2
How long has it been since you said something you regretted?
A particular family had dinner guests. When they sat down to eat the mother asked their 6 year old daughter to pray. “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just pray what you’ve heard mommy say,” the mother said. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
Being able to express ourselves with intelligible words, is a wonderful gift from God. According to Dr. Dale Johnson our ability to speak is so important to God that He designed fifty percent of the volume of our 3 pound brain to be involved in language skills. In other words, it takes a lot of mental megabytes to be able to talk!
Bees buzz, birds chirp, Cows moo, dogs bark, donkeys bray, lambs bleat, monkeys squeal, pigs grunt, but only human beings can talk. We are the only part of creation that shares with God the unlimited capacity to communicate concepts through clear, intelligent speech. Because the gift of speech is such an important common link between us and God, He is rightfully concerned that we learn to use our tongue in a beneficial way.
Read Ephesians 4:29-32
Last week we concluded with verse 31 where Paul mentions words that actually are the causes of “unwholesome talk”. We looked briefly at the first five… Bitterness - Rage - Anger - Brawling - and Slander which is the first cousin to Gossip.
One Sunday two ladies were sitting together in their church listening to a fiery visiting evangelist.
*When he condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies said, “Amen, Brother!”
*When he condemned the sin of lust, they loudly said, “Preach it brother!”
*And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying they got real excited and said, “RIGHT ON BRO-TELL IT LIKE IT IS, AMEN!!”
*But when the preacher condemned the related sins of slander and gossip, the two got very quiet and one turned to the other and said, “He’s quit prechin’ and now he’s meddlin’!”
Read James 3:1-10
II. Dealing With Root Causes (continued from previous outline)
Let’s go back to Ephesians 4:31
In this verse Paul lists 6 ungodly attitudes that we are to “get rid of”…The sixth sin that Paul tells us to avoid and get rid of is… malice. This speaks of cruel, harsh, vicious thoughts that wish evil on another, or plot injury against another.
At first thought we may all think “I’m not guilty of that!” Are we sure?
This Greek word was used to describe anyone who:
1) had a bad disposition toward someone
2) was willing to cause trouble for someone else
3) it was the opposite of excellence. Aristotle defined malice as "taking all things in the evil part" (Rhetoric 2:13)
It is "that peculiar form of evil which manifests itself in a malignant interpretation of the actions of others, an attributing of them all to the worst motive" (Trench, Synonyms of the NT, p. 11).(from New Unger’s Bible Dictionary)(originally published by Moody Press of Chicago, Illinois. Copyright (C) 1988.)
Biblical Examples:
1-malice is what Joseph’s brothers in OT times felt toward him
2-James & Johns feelings about the Samaritans in the NT
What an awful list this is! Paul says we must put off all six of these attitudes. We must stop leaning in this direction.
One of the most popular travel attractions in Italy is the leaning tower of Pisa. This 179-foot bell tower was built in the 13th century, and ever since, it has been sinking, tilting, and leaning a 1/3 of an inch more each year until they fixed it. Apart from the major effort from engineers, this famous tower would be doomed to destruction.
In the same way, the six attitudes Paul lists in verse 31 will slowly and gradually doom us to destruction. We may not notice it at first, but over time, these attitudes cause great damage to others and us.
Why?
A. Because our words our very powerful…either for the good or the bad.
Whenever our mouth opens, out pops our heart. Our words reveal our feelings.
Therefore, changing the way we talk to each other and about each other is not merely a superficial and outward activity. It is not just "acting nice". Our talk is the rudder by which we steer our life. We direct our lives by the way we control our tongues.
B. We are to Imitate the life of Christ
What kind of words ought to flow from our mouth?
Paul tells us specifically how to put on Christlike communication in verse 32 – Read
1. Am I being Kind?
Our world is filled with bitterness, rage and slander. The church ought to be a place where those things are absent. Do you agree?
Our friendship and fellowship ought to avoid those base expressions and include genuine love and kindness…the type of kindness that “builds others up according to their need.” Kindness is the opposite of bitterness, it is gentle and generous. It’s what Jesus taught in Luke 6:31-36 Read
2. Am I being Compassionate?
Compassion is the opposite of rage, anger, and brawling. It has an emotional and feeling side to it that is moved to empathy by the plight of others. Compassion should motivate us to do something to minister to the needs of others.
Every Spring, weeds start growing in our flowerbeds and gardens. If we don’t remove them regularly, they’ll overtake things. In the same way, God wants us to treat our soul like a garden that needs constant weeding. Constantly pulling out the weeds. In their place plant flowers of kindness, and compassion.
3. Am I being forgiving?
How can we be kind, compassionate, and forgiving to someone who has hurt us deeply? How can you ever kindly forgive that person who said such horrible things about you, and then never came back to apologize? How can you compassionately forgive that one who lied and gossiped about you, and ruined your reputation through slander? How can you ever forgive that friend who listened to your deepest secrets in promise of strict confidence, and then told others? How can you ever forgive that man who sabotaged your child’s purity through sexual seduction? How can you ever forgive?
Simon Wiesenthal was a Jewish prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp in Poland. One evening a nurse took him to a dying 21-year-old Nazi SS trooper whose face was bandaged with puss-soaked rags. This young Nazi clutched Wiesenthal’s hand and said he could not die until he had confessed the sins he had committed against helpless Jews, and that he had to be forgiven by a Jew before he died. He told him how he had gunned down innocent Jewish women and children who were trying to escape from a house they had set ablaze, and other horrible stories of his participation in evil. At the end, Wiesenthal jerked his hand away and walked out. No word was spoken, no forgiveness was given. Wiesenthal would not, could not, forgive.
Why is forgiveness so hard? Because forgiveness is a supernatural task. The fact is, we are unable to totally forgive others until we have first been forgiven. Simon Wiesenthal could not forgive because he himself had never experienced total, unconditional forgiveness from God. A Christian is one who has been forgiven by God! God has been kind towards us! God has been compassionate towards us! God has been forgiving towards us! Therefore, we have both the capacity and obligation to... "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." The opposite of the sinful six-some of bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and malice, is the Christlike threesome of kindness, compassion, and forgiveness.
C. Why must we forgive?
To reflect the forgiveness that God has already shown to us. Our sins were so great in the sight of God that God had to send His own Son to die in our place and suffer the terrible, bloody punishment that we deserved for our sin. Our sin was sufficient to send us to hell, but God forgave us. In light of that, in light of all the over abundant grace that we have received from God, don’t you think we can find it in our heart to share a little bit of that grace with the person who has offended us? Don’t keep God’s grace all to yourself! Rather, be free and generous in your forgiveness because God has been free and generous in forgiving you! Forgiveness is the opposite of slander and malice, as it relinquishes a debt and is willing to give people something much better than they actually deserve.
Application Time
Perhaps you are feeling bitter and have a lot of anger at someone over some injury or insult done to you. Most of us probably can’t fully understand what you have been through. In your thoughts, you justify yourself, saying "I have a right to feel this way, and if you only knew what I’m up against, and what that person did to me, you couldn’t forgive him, either. I just can’t forgive!" There’s a sense in which that’s true. In the heat of anger, you really can’t forgive, right then.
Why? Because forgiveness is step #2, and you can’t take step #2 until you have first taken step #1.
What’s step #1?
It is to “put off” the six attitude sins mentioned in verse 31. You can’t really "put on" forgiveness until you first "put off" your bad attitude, by admitting that your personal response to your injury has not been pleasing to God.
1. Get rid of our own wrong attitudes and sin and be forgiven.
Whenever a Christian holds a grudge or feels resentment and bitterness against someone, there are always two problems involved. One, is the situation itself, the person that hurt you and sparked your negative feelings. But two, the more immediate problem, is that of our reaction to the situation, our attitude toward the offender. That is the place we always need to start.
Our difficulty is we always want to start with the offender, to make him change first. We expect him to come crawling and squirming and begging for our forgiveness - first. But Jesus says, "No, first remove the beam that is in your own eye, first deal with your wrong attitude, and then you will be able to see clearly how to take the sawdust out of your brother’s eye". We’ve got to start with ourselves first, by putting off our own wrong attitude. If there’s bitterness don’t justify it. If there’s a desire for revenge, confess it. Let God forgive us of our bitterness and anger and malice. And then, we can find freedom to take the second step, which is to forgive the person who has sinned against us. Having just received a fresh supply of God’s grace, we will then be able to share some of that grace with the one who offended us, and we will be able to forgive them just as God in Christ has forgiven us. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean what they did was OK, it’s just that you can finally release them from your hate and judgment through God’s strength.
2. Express genuine forgiveness towards your offender:
Let’s say you take these steps. How do you ever know if you’ve ever fully forgiven that person? Here are three signs or results of true forgiveness:
a. Your memory of it will be less frequent.
You probably won’t ever forget it completely, but the offence or offender will not dominate your thoughts any longer. [If it keeps popping up on the screen of your mind on a regular basis, you still need to express forgivness.]
b. Your feelings about it will be less painful.
The memory will probably remain, but it will be less painful.
c. Your desire to get even with that person will subside.
You will be able to start treating the offender in mature, healthy ways. You will find the strength of the Holy Spirit to treat that individual with kindness. You may not be willing to fully trust that person again, and that’s OK; maybe he has not yet proven his trustworthiness. But you will be able to communicate your forgiveness to this person verbally and let it be known in words that you are no longer holding the past over his head.
In a Dagwood and Blondie comic strip their teenage son is sitting in front of the TV set and says to his sister Cookie, who is doing homework on the kitchen table: "Listen, Cookie...about that argument we had yesterday... sometimes people have to swallow their pride and apologize." Cookie says, "I’m glad to hear you say that." He replies, "So, swallow your pride and apologize already!"
I wonder how many of us are at that point right now? You realize your need to forgive, and you’re willing to, as long as the other guy apologizes first! But that’s not the way it works!
3. Do what we can to improve the relationship.
a. Pray for and desire that the relationship be improved.
When we couple prayer with a proper desire for what we know God wants us to accomplish, good things can happen.
b. Make sure that our attitudes are godly and any sin is confessed.
The way it needs to work is that you decide to first confess your own wrong attitudes to God, so that God can forgive us, and then we can draw upon that grace of God we’ve just received to reach out and forgive that person who hurt us.
That’s how God forgave us. He offered to forgive us before we repented; it was His announcement of forgiveness that gave us the courage to admit our sinfulness and trust Christ as our Savior. He first offered to forgive us, and then He confronted
us with the need to repent. That’s how it ought to work between us and others.
c. Go and discuss the issues involved so the relationship can be healthy.
Forgiveness does not necessarily rule out the need for talking things through. If you forgive first and then go to the person to talk about the problem, the result will be that you’ll be in control of your emotions and you won’t over-react. Also, your communication of love and forgiveness will encourage the person to listen to you and accept what you have to say,rather then reacting in self-defense.
Here’s a final thought:
True forgiveness is a supernatural act. Don’t attempt to do it in your own strength. Instead, draw upon the grace and the forgiveness that God has given you, depend on the Holy Spirit, and be as generous with others as He has been with you.
Pray
