Conflict Resolution
Thesis: Conflict is a part of life and we need to learn how to manage it the Bible way and not the world’s way.
Opening Video Illustration: Mr. Holland’s Opus
Our scene opens with the principal and vice principal questioning Mr. Holland’s use of rock music in his music appreciation class. Mr. Holland defends his teaching methods and says he will use whatever music he can to teach his students to love music.
Illustration point: The scene portrays a scenario of conflict between Mr. Holland and the administration over methodology of teaching. It’s a common scene of how we face conflict on a daily basis with others. The truth is music and methodologies of teaching have resulted in much conflict within society and even the church. But we have to learn how to manage conflict if we want to have healthy relationships with others in life(Belknap, Groups Blockbuster Movie Illustrations).
Illustration:
I am told that when President Bush was governor of Texas he had to deal with a lot of conflict. According to the sources I heard on the news one night in December (I tried to check this our with different sources and was unable to confirm it.) He came into office with a legislature that was in the opposite party. Early in his term he met with the opposition leader of the legislative branch with the hopes of building a cooperative coalition for the future. The meeting was a failure. There was no trust and no agreement. There was plenty of conflict. At the end of the session as Bush got up to leave he suddenly reached over and grabbed the opposition boss with both hands on his neck and gave him a big kiss on the cheek. The man was completely stunned. He got red faced and stammered "What did you do THAT for!" Bush said, "If I can’t get your cooperation and help, I’m at least going to get a kiss!" The opposition leader broke up laughing and that was the beginning of friendship and the end of conflict
Contributed to Sermon Central by: Rick Stacy
You might ask why is there so much conflict in this life? The basic problem and reason is addressed by James.
Scripture Text:
James 4:1-12:
1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.
4You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? 6But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
“God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.
11Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. 12There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?
Introduction:
Society is riddled with conflicts every day and in every area of our lives. We run into it at work, at school, at home, in our community, in our neighborhoods, and yes even at church. We have conflicts over who owns the highway. Who deserves a raise or not at work. Who should be promoted at work? Who should play in the sports game? Who should be in a certain leadership position? We have disagreements with other family members over clothes, responsibility, personality clashes, and even time spent in the bathroom. We have conflict with our spouses over issues like money, how we spend our time, values, misinformation about the other, and a host of other reasons. We have people spending millions on divorce lawyers to settle their conflict. We have others spending millions to sue others over conflict. We have conflict over miscommunication about others. We have conflict with others over the use of resources. The truth is if you have relationships with others that relationship will eventually have a conflict. It could be minor or it could be major. But the reality is there will be times of conflict.
Conflict is a part of life in this world and even in the church. The New Testament church reveals that conflict has been a part of it from the beginning. For example just read 1 and 2 Corinthians, Galatians and the other New Testament books and you will discover that conflict was evident even back then. The truth is every church every person will face times of conflict.
So therefore we as Christians need to learn that conflict – disagreement are going to surface even in the church of Jesus Christ. Bill Hybels notes:
At Willow Creek, we expect disagreement-forceful disagreement. Unity isn’t the word we use to describe our relationships. The popular concept of unity is a fantasy land where disagreements never surface and contrary opinions are never stated with force. Instead of unity, we use the word community. We say, “Let’s not pretend we never disagree. We’re dealing with the lives of 16,000 people. The stakes are high. Let’s not have people hiding their concerns to protect a false notion of unity. Let’s face the disagreement and deal with it in a godly way. The mark of community-true, biblical unity-is not the absence of conflict. It’s the presence of a reconciling spirit” (26).
We see even in the largest church in America that they have disagreements –conflicts that need to resolved. But the key is not the absence of conflict but that conflict is handled in a Biblical way.
Mclemore in his book Toxic Relationships and How to Change Them notes: “
As Christians, we have a duty to care, sincerely and deeply, about the wellbeing of others. This is the core of the love that we are to have for all persons. It is also the foundation for the fellowship we can enjoy with other persons in the faith. It is our holy duty to preserve the dignity of all human beings, whether saint or sinner, criminal or humanitarian, rich or poor, culturally and ethnically like us or not. All of this is relatively easy to state, and agree with, in the abstract. It is harder actually to do. Think of the people you most detest. You are to respect them. Think of the qualities in others that most upset you. You are nevertheless to be kind to those who have these characteristics. Think of the cultures or subcultures, if any, that make you uncomfortable and the ethnic or political groups, if any, that you find most alien. You are to embrace the people from all of these. Think also of the personalities you find obnoxious. And so on” (9).
The lesson that I want to communicate to each of us today is that conflict will occur in our lives with others. The key is how we handle that conflict.
Peacemakers Ministries has this to say about conflict: (Please note I have used their outline and quotes and also added my own thoughts to their Slippery Slope chart).
“Conflict can make life very awkward. It often catches us off guard and leads us to say or do things we later regret. When someone offends us, we can react without thinking. Soon it’s as if we’re sliding down a slippery slope, with things going from bad to worse. As the illustration shows, this slippery slope can drop off in two directions:”
The Slippery Slope (See Image on www.hispeace.org).
1. Escape Responses to conflict in life – I call these, “The runaways!” This type of person is leaning too far to the left and getting out of balance - when it comes to conflict in life.
“The three responses found on the left side of the slippery slope are commonly used by people who are more interested in avoiding or getting away from a conflict than resolving it.”
This slide toward the left in dealing with conflict is becoming far too common in our society.
We see it at work even within the church. A person has a conflict with someone in their church so they pack their things and go down the street to the next church.
We also see this happening far too often in families. We have conflict and the result is divorce. People pick up things and leave rather than going through the process of working things through.
We see it in the work force – a person has conflict and they quit and find another job.
We see the tragedy of this not just in denial and flight but in people feeling the only relief in sight is suicide. We had such a tragedy this week with an individual in Amery.
a. Being in Denial about conflict — “One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that no problem exists. Another way is to refuse to do what should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (see 1 Sam. 2:22-25).”
• 22Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. 23So he said to them, “Why do you do such things? I hear from all the people about these wicked deeds of yours. 24No, my sons; it is not a good report that I hear spreading among the LORD’S people. 25If a man sins against another man, God may mediate for him; but if a man sins against the LORD, who will intercede for him?” His sons, however, did not listen to their father’s rebuke, for it was the LORD’S will to put them to death.
• The reality check here is putting our heads in the sand and pretending that the conflict will go away will never resolve the problem.
o The conflict will grow and it will eventually attack you whether you are looking at it or not.
b. The Flight from reality — “Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may take the form of ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or leaving a church. Flight may be legitimate in extreme situations (see 1 Sam. 19:9-10), but in most cases it only postpones a proper solution to the problem (see Gen. 16:6-8).”
• 1 Samuel 19: 9But an evil spirit from the LORD came upon Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the harp, 10Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape.
o In this case David needed to run for cover because that was wisdom!
• Gen. 16: 6“Your servant is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her. 7The angel of the LORD found Hagar near a spring in the desert; it was the spring that is beside the road to Shur. 8And he said, “Hagar, servant of Sarai, where have you come from, and where are you going?” “I’m running away from my mistress Sarai,” she answered.
o But in this case the conflict between Hagar and Sarah has escalated even today to blood shed and violence.
Sarah – gave birth to Isaac – the lineage of the Jews and even Christians
Hagar – gave birth to Ishmael – the lineage of Islam
o The solution to this problem is Jesus’ return!
c. The tragedy of Suicide— “When people lose all hope of resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation (or make a desperate cry for help) by attempting to take their own lives. Suicide is never a right way to deal with conflict (see Matt. 27:1-5).”
• Matthew 27: 1Early in the morning, all the chief priests and the elders of the people came to the decision to put Jesus to death. 2They bound him, led him away and handed him over to Pilate, the governor. 3When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty silver coins to the chief priests and the elders. 4“I have sinned,” he said, “for I have betrayed innocent blood.” “What is that to us?” they replied. “That’s your responsibility.” 5So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself.
o Suicide is never the answer to difficult situations.
o Aaron Jones notes this about Suicide: Suicide has been said to be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The name suicide comes from the Latin word “sui”, meaning “of oneself”, and –cida, meaning “to kill”. And statistics show us a wide range of people have contemplated and committed suicide. Over 25,000 Americans commit suicide each year. Over one million will try but only one out of fifteen will succeed. It is the tenth highest killer in the U.S. More will die by suicide than by murder. The model age for attempting suicide is 32 for men and 27 for women. The model age of succeeding is 50-54 for men and women. Men kill themselves twice as often as women, but women attempt suicide twice as often as men. There are over 5,000 suicides among teen-agers each year. Some 10,000 college students will attempt suicide in a year. It is the second highest cause of death among young people aged 15-24 surpassed only by accidents. Thirteen young adults each day consider life not worth the living. That is twice as many as ten years ago and three times as many as twenty years ago. One report indicated that as many as 12 percent of all school-aged children will contemplate suicide at least once in their formative years.
o We must learn to teach our kids and others that all problems are resolvable and with God all things are possible.
o The story of a friend who was going to commit suicide.
Brett’s story!
2. Attack Responses to conflict in life – “The destroyer’s way!” These individuals are leaning to far to the right and are falling off balance.
“The three responses found on the right side of the slippery slope are often used by people who are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship.”
• These are militant types.
• The win at all cost people.
• The revenge filled terminators of other people’s feelings and lives.
• The people filled with rage and anger.
• The people driven from bitterness of the soul.
• The one who cry “I will sue you and take everything you have!”
a. The military Assault— “Some people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal attacks (including gossip and slander), physical violence, or efforts to damage a person financially or professionally (see Acts 6:8-15). Such conduct usually escalates conflict.”
• Acts 6: 8Now Stephen, a man full of God’s grace and power, did great wonders and miraculous signs among the people. 9Opposition arose, however, from members of the Synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called)—Jews of Cyrene and Alexandria as well as the provinces of Cilicia and Asia. These men began to argue with Stephen, 10but they could not stand up against his wisdom or the Spirit by whom he spoke. 11Then they secretly persuaded some men to say, “We have heard Stephen speak words of blasphemy against Moses and against God.”12So they stirred up the people and the elders and the teachers of the law. They seized Stephen and brought him before the Sanhedrin. 13They produced false witnesses, who testified, “This fellow never stops speaking against this holy place and against the law. 14For we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and change the customs Moses handed down to us.”15All who were sitting in the Sanhedrin looked intently at Stephen, and they saw that his face was like the face of an angel.
• Result is Stephen is stoned to death because of the conflict of His message from the Holy Spirit to the Jews.
o Reality is when you preach the truth their will be conflicts with others over your message.
Be ready but respond Biblically.
o Understand that it could result in you receiving a physical response from the unsaved or a broken relationship!
• But you must remember how Jesus responded to Peter’s frontal assault the night he was betrayed in the Garden. He stopped the attack and healed the one who was wounded.
o John 18: 10Then Simon Peter, who had a sword, drew it and struck the high priest’s servant, cutting off his right ear. (The servant’s name was Malchus.) 11Jesus commanded Peter, “Put your sword away! Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”12Then the detachment of soldiers with its commander and the Jewish officials arrested Jesus. They bound him 13and brought him first to Annas, who was the father-in-law of Caiaphas, the high priest that year.
o Luke 22:49 When Jesus’ followers saw what was going to happen, they said, “Lord, should we strike with our swords?” 50And one of them struck the servant of the high priest, cutting off his right ear. 51But Jesus answered, “No more of this!” And he touched the man’s ear and healed him. 52Then Jesus said to the chief priests, the officers of the temple guard, and the elders, who had come for him, “Am I leading a rebellion, that you have come with swords and clubs? 53Every day I was with you in the temple courts, and you did not lay a hand on me. But this is your hour—when darkness reigns.” 54Then seizing him, they led him away and took him into the house of the high priest. Peter followed at a distance.
Jesus told his disciples no more of this! We need to hear that message today.
b. The lawyers approach to conflict Litigation “Let’s sue them and charge for it!”— “Although some conflicts may legitimately be taken before a civil judge (see Acts 24:1-26:32; Rom. 13:1-5), lawsuits usually damage relationships, diminish our Christian witness, and often fail to achieve complete justice. This is why Christians are commanded to make every effort to settle their differences within the church rather than the civil courts (see Matt. 5:25; 1 Cor. 6:1-8).”
* Acts 24:1-26:32: 1Five days later the high priest Ananias went down to Caesarea with some of the elders and a lawyer named Tertullus, and they brought their charges against Paul before the governor. 2When Paul was called in, Tertullus presented his case before Felix: “We have enjoyed a long period of peace under you, and your foresight has brought about reforms in this nation. 3Everywhere and in every way, most excellent Felix, we acknowledge this with profound gratitude. 4But in order not to weary you further, I would request that you be kind enough to hear us briefly. 5“We have found this man to be a troublemaker, stirring up riots among the Jews all over the world. He is a ringleader of the Nazarene sect 6and even tried to desecrate the temple; so we seized him. 8By examining him yourself you will be able to learn the truth about all these charges we are bringing against him.” 9The Jews joined in the accusation, asserting that these things were true. 10When the governor motioned for him to speak, Paul replied: “I know that for a number of years you have been a judge over this nation; so I gladly make my defense….”
# This scene shows Paul on trial for what he preached and how the conflict was handled in a Roman court of law.
# He was able to state his case but it did lead to him being imprisoned and eventually to his martyrdom.
• Matthew 5:25 “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.”
o Really the Christian needs to learn to settle conflicts quickly and not let them explode into litigation and court battles.
o Last year over a Billion dollars were spent in litigation cases against others.
• 1 Corinthians 6:1 “If any of you has a dispute with another, dare he take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the saints? 2Do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? 3Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life! 4Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church! 5I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers? 6But instead, one brother goes to law against another—and this in front of unbelievers! 7The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated? 8Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers.”
• The Bible is clear that as Christians we need to do conflict management the Bible way. Not buy into the world’s way of solving conflict.
c. A Murderers way to conflict resolution “Kill them! — “In extreme cases, people may be so desperate to win a dispute that they will try to kill those who oppose them (see Acts 7:54-58). While most people would not actually kill someone, we should never forget that we stand guilty of murder in God’s eyes when we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts toward others (see 1 John 3:15; Matt. 5:21-22).”
* Acts 7: 54When they heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. 55But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56“Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” 57At this they covered their ears and, yelling at the top of their voices, they all rushed at him, 58dragged him out of the city and began to stone him. Meanwhile, the witnesses laid their clothes at the feet of a young man named Saul.59While they were stoning him, Stephen prayed, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” 60Then he fell on his knees and cried out, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.” When he had said this, he fell asleep.
*1 John 3: 15Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life in him.
# Notice that the apostle John goes to the root of murder it all starts with hatred of another person.
# Jesus made this clear in Matthew 5:21,22 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”
3. The Biblical way to handle conflicts the Conciliation Responses – The balanced Biblical way.
a. The Gospel Is the Key to Peace – I and others call this, “The peacemaker way.” “A true peacemaker is guided, motivated, and empowered by the gospel, the good news that God has forgiven all our sins and made peace with us through the death and resurrection of his Son (Col. 1:19-20). Through Christ he has also enabled us to break the habit of escaping from conflict or attacking others, and he has empowered us to become peacemakers who can promote genuine justice and reconciliation (Col. 3:12-14).”
* Colossians 1: 19For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, 20and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.
* Colossians 3: 12Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
# The word makes it clear that we are to approach and deal with conflict in a compassionate way. In watching the Passion of the Christ I was reminded how Jesus dealt with the people “Father forgive them for they know not what they do!”
# When we face conflict and reconciliation we must do the required action that changes lives "forgive!”
# We are to forgive so that we can be forgiven it says in Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
# I honestly believe that some people think this is optional!
“The six responses found on the top portion of the slippery slope are directed at finding a just and mutually agreeable solution to a conflict. These responses may be divided into two categories: personal peacemaking responses and assisted responses:
Personal peacemaking responses are carried out in private between the parties themselves. Although it is appropriate for one or both parties to seek advice on how to implement these responses, they should normally try to resolve their differences one-on-one before asking others to intervene in the dispute.”
1). Overlook an offense – I call this, “The turn the other cheek way!”— “Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately overlooking an offense. "A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense" (Prov. 19:11). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.”
The truth is not all conflict needs to be confronted!
Choose what needs to be confronted and what needs to be overlooked!
2). Reconciliation – I call this, “The need to say you hurt me but I forgive you way!”— ‘If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged our relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. "[If] your brother has something against you ... go and be reconciled" (Matt. 5:23-24). "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).
* So how do we handle the inevitable conflict through the process of reconciliation?
* We follow the Matthew 18:15-22 principle for dealing with problems.
*Matthew 18:15-22: 15“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 18“I tell you the truth, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. 19“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” 21Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” 22Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
* Each one of the steps in conflict resolution requires us to use wisdom to handle it appropriately and Biblically.
* See handout for the Matthew 18 Way Below:
Matthew 18
The Matthew 18 Principle for Solving Problems:
1. Keep the matter confidential.
The Bible has much to say about those who gossip or malign others with their words.
2. Keep the circle small.
Most problems are solved at the two-person level.
3. Be straightforward.
Jesus tells us to be forthright and to love honesty.
4. Be forgiving.
Once the matter is resolved, we should wholeheartedly forgive and restore the person whose fault has offended us.
5. The two should agree to discuss the matter with each other first.
An open and honest discussion will most often reach an amiable solution.
6. If this does not work, they should agree to share the matter with a pastor.
The goal of such a meeting is to understand the problem clearly; solve the problem; reproof and correct, if necessary; and forgive and restore those who have made amends.
7. The pastor, if necessary, will explain the situation to the elder board for their appropriate response.
If the problem is not resolved, the two parties will present their case to the elders; and the elders will present their solution to the parties.
Satan would like to destroy harmony and fellowship between Christians. That is not possible if all of us follow the Matthew 18 principle of solving problems.
* The truth is conflict is going to arise in the church and in relationships and it needs to be confronted and dealt with Biblically. Rick warren gives some insight on this from this weeks Ministry Toolbox e-mail:
# “You can’t get through life, let alone ministry, without eventually being around someone who will try to intimidate you, try to control you, and try to manipulate you. How does God want us to deal with intimidating people? 2 Timothy 1:7 (Good News) gives us the answer: "For the spirit that God has given us does not make us timid. Instead his spirit fills us with power, love, and self control." That’s the way God wants you to deal with people. He wants you to deal with them in power (confidence), in love (focusing on their needs), and in self-control. God’s Spirit doesn’t make us timid. It doesn’t turn us into weaklings. The Phillips translation of this verse says, "God has not given us the spirit of cowardice." The Living Bible version says, "God doesn’t want you to be afraid of people." Yet, I know Christians all the time who unconsciously think, "I have to be afraid of people in order to be spiritual. I just have to let people have their own way." If you’ll look at the Bible, you’ll see that’s not the case. You won’t please everyone. That’s a fact. So stop trying! When those difficult people come along, hold your ground, pray for those who persecute you, and leave the rest to God. Until next time, Rick.”
3). Negotiation – I call this the, “The let’s make a deal way.” — “Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which you and the other person seek to reach a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4).”
“If the parties cannot resolve a dispute through personal peacemaking, they should pursue one of the assisted responses. This will require that they seek help from other people in their church or community.”
* Reference the Sunrise Mediation Services of Polk County Brochure.
4). Mediation -- I call this, “The let us help work this out way.”— “If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. "If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along" (Matt. 18:16). These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.”
5). Arbitration – I call this the “We will hear both sides and pray for a decision way.”— “When you and an opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, you may appoint one or more arbitrators to listen to your arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. "If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church" (1 Cor. 6:4).”
6). Accountability – I call this the, “We will hold you to it way!”— “If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands his or her church leaders to formally intervene to hold him or her accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness: "If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church" (Matt. 18:17).”
Summary: “As you can see, the escape responses only postpone a proper solution to a problem, and attack responses usually damage relationships and make conflicts worse. Therefore, you should generally try first to deal with conflict personally and privately by using one of the first three conciliation responses (overlooking, discussion, or negotiation).”
To learn how to carry out these steps in a biblically faithful manner see the Peacemaker’s pledge from Peacemaker ministries.
The Peacemaker’s Pledge
A Commitment to Biblical Conflict Resolution
As people reconciled to God by the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, we believe that we are called to respond to conflict in a way that is remarkably different from the way the world deals with conflict.1 We also believe that conflict provides opportunities to glorify God, serve other people, and grow to be like Christ.2 Therefore, in response to God’s love and in reliance on his grace, we commit ourselves to respond to conflict according to the following principles:
Glorify God — Instead of focusing on our own desires or dwelling on what others may do, we will rejoice in the Lord and bring him praise by depending on his forgiveness, wisdom, power, and love, as we seek to faithfully obey his commands and maintain a loving, merciful, and forgiving attitude.3
Get the Log out of Your Own Eye — Instead of blaming others for a conflict or resisting correction, we will trust in God’s mercy and take responsibility for our own contribution to conflicts—confessing our sins to those we have wronged, asking God to help us change any attitudes and habits that lead to conflict, and seeking to repair any harm we have caused.4
Gently Restore — Instead of pretending that conflict doesn’t exist or talking about others behind their backs, we will overlook minor offenses or we will talk personally and graciously with those whose offenses seem too serious to overlook, seeking to restore them rather than condemn them. When a conflict with a Christian brother or sister cannot be resolved in private, we will ask others in the body of Christ to help us settle the matter in a biblical manner.5
Go and be reconciled — Instead of accepting premature compromise or allowing relationships to wither, we will actively pursue genuine peace and reconciliation—forgiving others as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven us, and seeking just and mutually beneficial solutions to our differences.6
By God’s grace, we will apply these principles as a matter of stewardship, realizing that conflict is an assignment, not an accident. We will remember that success in God’s eyes is not a matter of specific results, but of faithful, dependent obedience. And we will pray that our service as peacemakers will bring praise to our Lord and lead others to know His infinite love.7
1 Matt. 5:9; Luke 6:27-36; Gal. 5:19-26.
2 Rom. 8:28-29; 1 Cor. 10:31-11:1; James 1:2-4.
3 Ps. 37:1-6; Mark 11:25; John 14:15; Rom. 12:17-21; 1 Cor. 10:31; Phil. 4:2-9; Col. 3:1-4; James 3:17-18; 4:1-3; 1 Peter 2:12.
4 Prov. 28:13; Matt. 7:3-5; Luke 19:8; Col. 3:5-14; 1 John 1:8-9.
5 Prov. 19:11; Matt. 18:15-20; 1 Cor. 6:1-8; Gal. 6:1-2; Eph. 4:29; 2 Tim. 2:24-26; James 5:9.
6 Matt. 5:23-24; 6:12; 7:12; Eph. 4:1-3, 32; Phil. 2:3-4.
7 Matt. 25:14-21; John 13:34-35; Rom. 12:18; 1 Peter 2:19; 4:19.
Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. © 1997 by Ken Sande. All Rights Reserved. © 2003 by Peacemaker® Ministries. All Rights Reserved.
