We continue with the 5th message in our series, Restoring Hope for Marriage. This morning, we will look at commitment to our spouse in marriage. Cultural values, our job, the children, our hobbies, negative peer pressure and certainly our own selfishness, all compete with our commitment to our spouse in marriage. So we must learn to develop or restore commitment to our spouse in marriage.
Commitment to our spouse will help us persevere through hard times in marriage. Some hard times come in the first three years of marriage, when two selfish single adults struggle to become one. For others, the challenge to be committed comes with each new baby. For some, temptation to be unfaithful comes with a loss of purpose in life.
Commitment is needed to successfully persevere through these hard times common to all marriages. But commitment is also needed to stay in marriages when complications arise, such as physical or psychological illness, addiction, unresolved hurts or dissatisfaction in marriage for one reason or another.
Commitment channels all of our spiritual, mental, emotional and physical energies to finding solutions rather than siphoning away some of our energies to devising escape plans. Commitment is not the whole answer, but is key to staying together in marriage and working to find solutions. A lack of commitment will render even good solutions powerless to help in marital problems and remove hope of experiencing a loving marriage.
And here are some benefits to a loving marriage. A loving marriage lays the foundation to a successful family. If you are married, a loving marriage will encourage to intimacy with God in prayer. If you are married, a loving marriage will increase your career success. If you are married, a loving marriage will boost your self-image. You will have a constant encourager, a sense of security and fulfillment in life.
But how do we build this kind of commitment to our spouse in marriage that enables us to work through hard times and work toward a loving marriage? Our text is Malachi 2:10-16.
Malachi is the final Old Testament message to the Jewish people. This was a message of judgment against their degenerating commitment to God, to each other as God’s chosen people and within the marriage covenant. From Malachi 2:10-16 we read admonitions that gives insight to how commitment can be restored, and in particular, how commitment can be restored in the marriage covenant. Let’s look together.
First, to restore commitment in our marriage, we must develop our character of commitment. Vs 10-11, 14-15
Malachi points to the people’s lack of commitment in multiple areas of life. They broke their promise to God. They broke their promise to each other as the chosen people separated to God. And they broke their promise to their wives.
A lack of commitment in one area of life will bleed into other areas of life, because commitment is not formed by a single decision but by repeated decisions over time and in every area of life. We call consistent decisions repeated over time and in every area of life, “character.”
And people are not born with character. The Bible reveals that character is formed by our repeated decisions over time and opportunity. Suffering is often the opportunity to form character, because in suffering, we need to make intentional and good decisions to experience peace and have strength. In good times, we can passively enjoy our circumstances.
To build character, we must respond to life based not on what we want to get but on what we want to become, even a person of commitment. Whenever you make a decision, are you asking, “What’s in it for me?” Rather, ask, “How will this effect my commitment to God, to my wife, to my children?” Decisions made based on the latter question will over time develop the character of commitment.
Second, to restore commitment in our marriage, we must understand marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Vs. 14-15a
When two people enter a contract, they remain separate individuals. You do your part, and I’ll do my part. If you fail to do your part, I’m released from my part. As long as I have feelings for you, I’ll stay in the marriage. You help me; I’ll help you. That’s contract thinking
But when two people enter a covenant, they become one. The person in a covenant understands, “When I help you, I help myself.” “When I love you, I’m loving myself.” My wife doesn’t owe me for my help or love, because she and I are one. When my right hand kills a mosquito on my left hand, my right hand doesn’t say to my left hand, “You owe me one.” Both hands belong to the same body. That’s covenant thinking.
God modeled the covenant relationship with believers in 2Timothy 2:13, “[If] we are faithless, [God] will remain faithful, for He cannot disown himself.” God sees believers as one with Him!
Sometime ago, Susan said, “I let you do anything you wanted when we first got married.” And I corrected her by saying, “No, you let me do everything when we first got married. I cooked, I cleaned, everything.” When we got married, Susan didn’t know how to cook or clean or do house chores.
She now knows how and does most of the chores. Currently Susan is responsible for taking care of the house and children, and I’m responsible for bringing home the paycheck, but I will do house chores and take care of the kids when I see Susan is tired.
My marriage vows to Susan read this way, “I, Dana, receive you, Susan, to be my wife. I vow to cherish, honor and serve you in whatever situations God leads us. I will give myself only and always to you, according to God’s holy commands, as long as we both shall live.” I will do whatever is needed to fulfill this promise, regardless of whether it’s my part, and regardless of whether Susan does her part. That’s covenant thinking.
Third, to restore commitment in our marriage, we must take special care to protect our commitment. Vs. 15, 16
Twice, Malachi calls the people to guard themselves in their commitment. We protect our commitment when we guard our thoughts, our words and our actions. We cannot control our spouse, but we can control ourselves.
Your thoughts are what you allow into your mind in terms of words and pictures. We may not be able to dictate what is shown on TV, posted on billboards, worn by others, but we can keep those images from entering our minds.
Two friends come to mind at this time. The first would not give up music that had sensual lyrics and the second would not give up watching movies and TV programs with sexual content. The first friend ended up having sex outside of marriage and feeling so guilty that he left the church. The second molested a young man and almost ended up in jail. Unless we protect our commitment by guarding our thoughts, we can falter and give up our values, our marriage, our careers, our freedom, and our faith.
Next, you guard your words by choosing your words and tone of voice to bring out the best in others. Never threaten divorce. If you have, never do it again. And if your spouse has threatened divorce, find out why and change what you can to remove the reason.
Never yell, when a soft response will do. I’m learning this. Our words and our tone of voice leave tracks in our mind and in our spouse’s mind that will influence the direction of our relationship. Negative words in a loud tone of voice leave deep tracks in the wrong direction for our marriage.
Finally, we guard our actions by choosing actions with intended consequences. If you intend to be committed to your wife, don’t allow into your mind images that lure you away from your wife, don’t use words that hurt her self-worth, and don’t flirt with another woman. If you intend to be committed to you husband, don’t compare your husband to another man, don’t belittle your husband with your words, and don’t share intimate conversation with another man.
Fourth, to restore commitment in our marriage, we must keep the consequences of faithfulness and faithlessness in mind. Vs. 10-16
Malachi was bringing to mind the consequences of the people’s faithlessness. Our faithfulness or faithlessness will affect other people. When believers are committed to each other in marriage, despite marital problems, we affirm God’s Lordship in their lives. When husbands and wives are committed to each other, we strengthen our society, because families are the building blocks of society.
The opposite is true when we break the marriage covenant. We negatively affect our relationship with God, and we negatively affect other believers, our society, our spouse, and our children.
People who are tempted to quit their marriage may benefit from going to a divorce recovery meeting or from finding out what a single mother goes through in a week. Knowing the consequences of your actions will help you make better decisions. All actions have consequences, and actions taken without thought of consequences is thoughtless action.
In every marriage, our commitment to our spouse will be tested. It is important that we are aware of how our faithfulness or faithlessness affects others. A person who is only concerned about self will not be enough committed. So, young people who are not married yet, be very careful if the person you date is self-centered.
Steve Brown updated his listeners about his mentor, Fred Smith. Some of you have enjoyed reading Fred Smith in Leadership Journal. Fred Smith is quite old and is on dialysis everyday in order to stay alive. His wife, Mary Alice, is suffering from Parkinson’s disease. Fred Smith said this, “When Mary Alice dies, I’m going to pull the plug on my dialysis machine.” He is staying alive using artificial means, only because he wants to take care of his wife. That’s commitment to one’s spouse.
No matter where we are today, to get to that kind of love in marriage, we must be committed to our spouse. And to build such commitment, we must develop the character of commitment, understand marriage is a covenant, take special care to protect our commitment and keep the consequences of faithfulness and faithlessness in minds.
