We are beginning an eight-week effort to restore hope for marriage. In my reading, research and counseling, I’ve discovered many have lost hope for marriage. If the statistics are correct, one out of two marriages end in divorce. Those that stay married are not necessarily experiencing God’s intended blessings for marriage. Some are unfaithful; others stay married because of their kids or their religious belief.
Those who are not yet married ought to be concerned. Those who are married and discontented or struggling need to be on guard and mentored. Those who are married and are enjoying God’s intended blessings for marriage need to be mentors. Although there are no perfect marriages, there are many marriages with great hope and true fulfillment.
Few people enter marriage understanding God’s design for marriage. Some marry in order to start a family. Others marry because they fear being alone in life. Some marry because the woman is pregnant. I know a couple planning to be married, where the man is not attracted to the woman physically but to her business abilities only. On the other hand, many marry based purely on physical attraction.
Entering marriage for the above reasons doesn’t destine a marriage for disappointment or failure. The picture a couple has of how they are to relate after the wedding will far greater influence the success or failure of the marriage. Some wives get their picture of marriage from fairytales, soap operas and their discontented female friends. Some husbands get their picture of marriage from locker room stories, their drinking buddies, or television sitcoms. And the picture of our parents’ marriage always influences our marriage.
Unless we have God’s picture of marriage and are building our marriage according to God’s design, we cannot expect to experience God’s intended blessings for marriage. After all, God made man and woman and designed their union with the potential to fulfill many of our needs and desires in life. But that potential will only be realized when the husband and wife relate in marriage according to God’s design.
Our text is Ephesians 5:21-33. Paul begins by talking about the marriage relationship between husband and wife, and then he goes back and forth between talking about the marriage relationship and the relationship Christ has with His church. In verse 32, he drifts entirely to the relationship Christ has with the Church. And he closes the thought in verse 33, speaking about the husband and wife relationship again.
What Ephesians 5:21-33 does, then, is give us the picture and the practice of God’s design for marriage through the picture and the practice of Christ’s relationship with His Church. Let’s look together.
First, God designed marriage to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and His Church.
Dr. Martin Luther King was once asked, “Is it true that black people are lazy, oversexed and got rhythm?”
To which Dr. King replied, “Yes, it’s true. If you tell people for two hundred years that they are lazy, oversexed, and got rhythm, sooner or later you will produce a generation of them that meet these standards.” America has given black people a terrible picture of themselves, and they are living up to that picture now.
Sometime ago, I read an interview that asked why Asians were generally high achievers in America. The answer pointed to hard work and the belief of the original immigrants that America was the land of golden opportunities. But the reason why American-born Asians remain high achievers was because they inherited this picture of Asians as high achievers in America.
Paul J. Meyer noted that anything accomplished physically or relationally must first be accomplished in our minds’ eyes. Our mental picture always determines our actions and achievements. That is why the picture we have of marriage is so important to the success of our marriage.
If you were to draw a picture of your current marriage or the marriage you want to have, what would that picture look like? Obviously, our marriage is influence by children, job stress, illness, financial stress, etc. But if you could look at your marriage alone, would your marriage, and for those who are not married, would your parents’ marriage, resemble a frustrated fairytale, two silent ships passing in the night, a parent-child relationship, or a semi-successful American dream?
Paul gives us a hopeful picture of what God designed marriage to look like. God designed the marriage relationship to reflect the relationship between Christ and His Church. The wife is to the church as the husband is to Jesus Christ. There is no superiority or inferiority implied; both the head and the body are important, simply order that brings harmony and love that brings the best out of the other.
Let’s bring this picture of marriage to a place where we live. And that’s what Paul does.
Second, God designed marriage to practice the relationship between Christ and His Church.
According to God’s design for marriage, the husband is to be the head of the marriage as Christ is the head of the Church. And according to God’s design, the wife is to submit to the husband as the church submits to Christ.
Let’s look first at the wife’s submission to his husband.
The Bible is clear that men and women are to submit to one another (verse 21) and to be considerate of others, but in the marriage relationship, the submission of the wife to the husband is emphasized. If for no other reason, when two people ride in a car, one has to be a driver and the other has to be a passenger in order for harmony to exist.
Worldly wisdom might say the smarter, the more articulate, the one with more financial resources will lead the marriage, but God designed and commands the husband to lead the marriage. If you’re uncomfortable with that, think how I feel having to tell you this. But I believe our discomfort reveals not so much that God’s design is chauvinistic, but how our culture equates submission with weakness or failure and how historically submission was misused.
Submission is also difficult practice because there is not a set of actions that define submission. I believe if you want to submit to your husband, then ask your husband, “What can I do to show you respect?”
Your husband might tell you, “Don’t put me down in front of others.” “Don’t criticize me for every little mistake.” “Go along with my preference, sometimes.” “Tell me I’ve done a good job, when I haven’t blown it.” Obviously, if your husband tells you to do something that will hurt you, him or the children or that contradicts God’s Word, you need to lovingly echo the words of Peter and the other apostles, “We must obey God rather than men!”
Otherwise, wives, respect your husband. And young men who are not yet married, before you marry, make sure you have a sense that your future wife respects her parents and that her mother respects her father. If not, what makes you think she will respect you?
Now let’s look at the husband’s love for his wife.
Before I was married, I thought I was the most loving person in the world, because I could choose whom to love and when to love. After I got married, I had to love the same person all the time, and I discovered I couldn’t. I found that I was more often self-centered, critical, prideful and unloving.
Susan and I have been married for over five years now. I am still in love with her. The feelings I have for her I feel 80 percent of the time we’ve been married, except when we are in an argument. But I love her probably 20-30% of the time the way Christ loved His Church.
The times I’ve counseled people who are ready to get a divorce, they’ve always said, “I don’t love my wife anymore.” Or, “I don’t love my husband anymore.”
What they are really saying is, “I’ve lost the feeling for my spouse.” But what they don’t realize is that “feeling” has little to do with God’s design for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church. I’ve never read anywhere in the Bible about Jesus falling in love with His Church. He loved His Church by serving his disciples and giving his own life for us.
Next week, we’ll spend a whole message on how to love and how to get back the feeling if you’ve lost that loving feeling. But let me at least define the love a Christian husband is to have for his wives. This love brings out the best in her.
If you want to love your wife, ask her, “What can I do to bring out the best in you?”
Your wife might tell you, “Call me sometimes from work to tell me you love me.” “Believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself.” “Hug me when I’m upset.” “Pray with me.” Or, “Take me on a shopping spree.” And I would say, “I must obey God rather than you.”
Husbands, don’t ask, if you’re not going to do it. But if you ask, you will know how to love your wife, to bring out the best in her, regardless of your feelings.
Someone tells about a man who was building a fence around his front yard. An elderly widow who lived next door came out and asked him not to do that. The fence would cover up the beautiful flowers in his front yard, and she wanted to see the flowers.
The man explained, “I have to. I have a young boy who wants to play outside, but I don’t want him to wander into the street.”
The elderly lady pleaded with him. But he continued to build his fence. She became upset and said, “Do you know why there will be no marriage in heaven (quoting from Matthew 22:30)?”
The man replied, “No.”
The lady stomped away saying, “Because in heaven, there won’t be any men!”
The reason, I believe, why there will be no marriage in heaven, is because God designed marriage to be a picture of Christ’s relationship with us. In Heaven, we won’t need that picture; we’ll have the real thing.
