A very recent report from the U.S. Census Bureau states that today in the United States, more people than ever are deciding against the idea of getting married. 4.3 million couples are instead living together without the commitment of a marriage vow. The most often cited reasons? Because failed prior relationships have made them wary of marriage – and likely to keep their finances separate.
Another recent study, this one by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that 70 percent of those who live together end up getting married – but those marriages are also more likely to end in divorce. After 10 years, 40% of those who lived together and got married ended up divorced, compared with 31% of those who did not live together first.
This study went on to list the risk factors associated with staying married. In addition to not living together, the study cited age – over 20 you are less likely to divorce, Education – college education made couples more likely to stay together, income – higher income means fewer divorces, and being religious.
Half of U.S. women will have lived with a partner outside of marriage by the time they turn 30.
What’s the real reason that living together leads to more divorce? Catherine Cohan, assistant professor of human development and family studies at Penn State University is this: "Many people enter a cohabiting relationship where the deal is, ‘If this doesn’t work out, we can split up and it’s no big loss because we don’t have a legal commitment. The commitment is tenuous, and that tenuous commitment might carry over into marriage."
In reality – no matter what "factors" you study – it is the tenuousness of the commitment that finally does a marriage in. Now, if you haven’t guessed by now the subject of today’s study is on marriage and divorce. It won’t be an exhaustive study – there simply isn’t time for that this morning. But what I want to look at is the attitude of some who came to Jesus wanting Him to in a sense "bless" the idea of the tenuous commitment of marriage. As usual, Jesus will turn things around as He gives His opinion on the subject of divorce – and what that says to us about marriage and relationships in general.
1 When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. 2 Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
Jesus is on His way to Jerusalem – to the cross. The three years of ministry is almost over. No more traveling back and forth across the country – Jesus is now making His way for the last time to Jerusalem. As He goes south He crosses the Jordan River into what is modern day Jordan to an area near the town of Madaba – which dates back some 5,000 years so it’s likely it was occupied in some way when Jesus was there.
Jesus had been here before in the area of Perea. John the Baptist performed his ministry here as well – so it’s no wonder that large crowds followed Him. Wherever He goes, though, Jesus always does the same thing – He heals.
I want you to keep that in mind as we go through this next section because it is key to understanding God’s point of view when it comes to relationships and commitment.
3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"
Just as today – divorce was also a hot topic. Just as today there were two competing schools of thought. Now – they didn’t have people living together then – the culture just wouldn’t allow it, but the idea of a tenuous commitment made it just about as easy – in fact easier – it gave men the ability to appear to be righteous by being married – yet divorce whenever they wanted. Here’s a little background.
The whole debate about divorce comes from Moses’ statement in Deuteronomy 24:1 If a man marries a woman who becomes displeasing to him because he finds something indecent about her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce, gives it to her and sends her from his house
The debate about divorce centered on two words "something indecent." The two opposing views came from two rabbis: Rabbi Hillel and Rabbi Shammai. Rabbi Hillel said a man could give his wife a "certificate of divorce" for almost any reason, even finding another woman more attractive than his wife; "something indecent" could refer to anything that "displeased" him. Rabbi Shammai believed that a man could divorce his wife only if she had been unfaithful to him; that is, "something indecent" referred to adultery.
You might think – these men just wanted an excuse to move on to a new wife and I’m sure that was the case – but there is also a baser motive, believe it or not. Jewish law said that if a husband divorced his wife, he must return her dowry – unless he divorced her for infidelity. So some just divorced and claimed infidelity and kept the money or property.
Now this whole conversation was really a test – the Pharisees thought that if Jesus was lax on their rules on the Sabbath then He might be lax on divorce which would depreciate Deuteronomy. Or if He condemned divorce He might lose followers – either way they thought they would win. Foolish Pharisees.
4 "Haven’t you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator ’made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? 6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Jesus does two things here – He points the Pharisees to God’s heart, and turns their focus from the letter of the law, to the spirit.
The Pharisees took Moses’ words and used them to argue about divorce – Jesus also takes Moses’ words but earlier words from the creation that the Creator designed men and women "male and female" to unite together. This was actually a rabbinical technique to go by the "weightier text." In other words – an argument from creation trumped an argument from the law.
Secondly the Pharisees used Deuteronomy as a proof text for divorce – treating it like any legal agreement that can be broken. Jesus sidesteps that at this point and talks about the purpose of marriage – as an indissoluble union – a promise of love and faithfulness, not a contract to be broken. Jesus condemned that attitude by showing that God intended this union to be something no one should separate.
7 "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?"
The Pharisees are obviously not through – trying to trip Jesus up between what may seem like competing commands from God. Just a side note here – how often do we try to argue Scripture with God – using what we see as inconsistencies to get what we want? Instead we should always look for the heart of God in any situation, and go with that, rather than find legal loopholes to get our way.
The Pharisees were legalists – and believe it or not – we can become legalistic very easily. Now, legalism isn’t just having a set of rules. Legalism is when you do something that makes God do something. It obligates God. Instead of looking to what made up God’s character they looked for a legal way to entrap God into doing something – by letting them out of a marriage.
So look at what Jesus says back:
8 Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. 9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."
The Pharisees said "Moses commanded" divorce – but Jesus turned it around and said "Moses permitted" divorce. The dissolution of this union was never what God wanted to do – but He allowed it – why? To protect the woman. Left to their own the men would have just thrown their wives aside for any reason – but God told Moses to set down some strict rules – only marital infidelity was reason enough. We find God doing this in several situations – slaves, for instance. God made laws regarding slaves but it didn’t mean he agreed with it – He made the rules to protect slaves from undo punishment.
So now the disciples get into act – realizing the impact of what Jesus is saying here.
10 The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry."
If it’s God’s heart not to divorce – then given the fact that we live in a fallen world, are weak people and sinners and constantly try to manipulate God – then better not to do it at all. Jesus gives them a very interesting answer.
11 Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12 For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
Which "word" is Jesus referring to here – the word of the disciples not to marry? No – God clearly loves marriage. It is the word that He Himself gave to the Pharisees – that those that enter into marriage should do so with the idea of staying married – of committing to the marriage, not trying to find ways out of it.
This should be our attitude too – entering marriage we should always try our best to stay married. If there are troubles – try to identify what they are, and seek God’s guidance and healing together. This does bring up another point. The Bible tells us not to become "unequally yoked together." This applies to business, it also applies to marriage. Binding commitments like this should be between two believers – otherwise the conflict between the world and the Spirit will likely tear the relationship apart. There is much more to say about this – and we have other tapes on the subject if you want to go into it more.
Saying that – God is also aware of our circumstances. Bottom line – you need to seek Him when it comes to marriage and divorce – not the latest book or the latest fad – stay close to God and He will direct your paths. He is a God of love, and a God of peace – who knows our frame.
Now what about this business of eunuchs? Eunuchs were men who had been castrated – some because of birth defects, some on purpose like servants who had charge of a pagan king’s harem, for instance. Some voluntarily gave up marriage – not literally castrating themselves but remaining single. Jesus was in that category. But that doesn’t mean it is "better" to be single – only if you choose to be single it is because you feel you can serve God more in that capacity. But if you do it – always leave an escape hatch so that you don’t end up depressed and unhappy – because marriage really is a wonderful thing.
So what do we see here in these verses? I want to give you a couple of values and then explain them.
Men look for excuses - God looks to the heart
When you come up to a situation where you have to make a decision about how to act – instead of thinking "what can I get away with" or "what do I have to do here" think "what is God’s heart in this situation" then act on that. It’s often not the easy way – but it’s the best way.
We were created for marriage – for life
God could have made Eve out of the dust of the earth like Adam – but instead He made her out of Adam’s flesh and bone. So there is a special oneness that God meant to take place between a man and woman – not just a physical closeness but a companionship and having common goals. When two people get married its really as if there aren’t two people any more – that’s the way we should look at it because that’s the way God looks at it. To tear this union apart is to tear apart something God has created.
Hard hearts lead to divorce – soft hearts lead to service
What is the condition of your heart? Are you easily offended? Do you find a "me first" attitude creeping into your life? What happens in relationships is that we don’t get what we want or someone isn’t what we think they should be and then we get a hard heart towards them. It’s the beginning of a road that at it’s end leads to broken relationships.
But it’s not just marriage that I’m talking about. In all areas of our lives we need to take on a soft hear of service – putting others first.
Philippians 2:3-8
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;
4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.
5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus,
6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped,
7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men.
8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
New American Standard Updated
Jesus’ standards are very high - But Jesus’ love understands that not everyone can fill that high a standard.
And so as in all things we need to look to Him to be our strength – to go the extra mile when we can’t – to keep our commitments when we want to bolt. And then know that when we fail, He is still there, still loving us, picking up the pieces and helping us to be transformed into His image.
I leave you with this simple yet profound verse:
Ephesians 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
