I read some time ago that a panel of women debated on who they thought was the perfect man. You’d have thought it might be famous actor or wealthy tycoon. But the final conclusion of this panel was that the Perfect Man was actually....MR. POTATO HEAD.
Their reasoning: He’s tan. He’s cute. He knows the importance of accessorizing. And if he looks at another girl, you can rearrange his face.
APPLY: Last week, we talked about having God help us find the perfect mate. This week, we’re going to talk about something even more important than FINDING the right mate.
What could be more important than finding the right person? BEING the right person. In fact, as far as God is concerned, it’s more important that YOU be the “perfect mate” than for you to find the perfect mate.
I. Consider: In the book of Proverbs, we find Solomon counseling his son on life.
He talks to his son about the importance of trusting God, listening to his parents, & respecting others. Solomon advises his son on finances, honesty, hard work and moral purity. Mostly it’s a book of do’s and don’ts. In other words, if you want to be wise: Do these good things and don’t do those bad things.
BUT right in the middle of this listing of what his son should do to be wise, we find these curious comments:
Proverbs 21:19 Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Proverbs 25:24 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 15:17 Better a meal of vegetables where there is love than a fattened calf with hatred.
Proverbs 17:1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.
Now, why would Solomon tell his son these things? Was it like some joke, between men, about crabby women?
ILLUS: Kind of like the joke about the man who had just celebrated his golden wedding anniversary. A reporter who was present asked him this question: “To what do you attribute your longevity and apparent good health?”
“Well,” said the old man, “when my wife and I were first married, we made a pact. We decided that if we ever became involved in an argument, I would leave the house and go for a walk to give us both an opportunity to cool off.”
The man sighed and then said, “And I’ve been living an outdoor life ever since.”
So, were these comments by Solomon just good natured humor from a father to his son: “you know how women are, son… he he he he!”
I don’t think so. Everything else Solomon said in Proverbs dealt w/ how his son could become wise. He’s not about to stop in the middle of Proverbs and tell his son how to be stupid.
No. My guess is that Solomon is telling his son that if he’s not a good husband, if he mistreats his wife, he’s going to end up creating a quarrelsome, ill-tempered woman.
How do I know that? Because, in the same book of Proverbs Solomon tells his son:
“When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him.” Proverbs 16:7
Translation for husbands and wives: If your ways are pleasing to God, even your spouse can be made to be at peace with you. Isn’t that what it says? If having our ways please God would create peace between you and your enemies, wouldn’t also work for a husband and wife?
The world teaches that “the key to a good marriage is FINDING the right person!” God teaches “the key to a good marriage is BEING the right person!” And the key to being the “right person” is make sure your ways “please the LORD.”
That’s why this passage from Ephesians 4& 5 is such a great instruction manual for Christian couples. If you follow Paul’s teaching here in Ephesians
· you won’t grieve the Holy Spirit (4:30)
· you’ll be imitators of God the Father (5:1)
· AND you’ll be like Jesus (5:2)
The things Paul teaches here will make it so your ways please God.
(pause) So, what’s it this passage is telling me to do?
II. First off, Paul tells us what not to do in our marriages.
Ephesians 4:17-19 "So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more."
Translation: Don’t live like the Gentiles. For example: Eph. 5:3 says there shouldn’t even be a “hint” of sexual immorality amongst you. We all know the damage extra-marital affairs can have on marriage. But Ephesians 5:3 means that as Christians, and as Christians couples - not only shouldn’t a Christian have a “cutie” on the side:
He shouldn’t be the type to “harmlessly” flirt with girls down at the diner.
He shouldn’t be ogling scantily clad girls on the TV set.
He shouldn’t have girlie magazines in his den or visit porn sites on the Internet.
I know this a place where many men struggle. Men throughout Scripture struggled with the same issues. But God’s people should never accept it such temptations as normal or make excuses for falling prey to the desire.
A Christian husband that accepts that pagan type of excuse damages his relationship with his wife and undermines her confidence in him.
Not only shouldn’t we live like Gentiles, we shouldn’t think like the Gentiles. Ephesians 4:18 tells us that the pagans are darkened in their understanding, and their hearts are hard.
ILLUS: A father of college girl was riding up in the elevator of her dorm to visit her room. While they were riding up, a few other girls in the elevator began to talk about certain girls living with their boyfriends, abortions that had taken place and other forms of depravities that caused the father to blanche. What type of den of iniquity had he delivered his daughter to?
When they stepped off the elevator, the daughter spoke to his distress: "It’s ok, dad, they’re just talking about their favorite soap operas."
Those college girls may not have “lived like Gentiles” but they were thinking like Gentiles. Notice where these college girls were spending their time: In the company of twisted people acting out tales of perversion & self-centeredness. God tells his people: Don’t spend your time with folks like that.
God told His people: "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers." Psalms 1:1
Don’t spend time with the WICKED, the SINFUL or the SCORNFUL because you become like the people you spend time with. You learn to think like they do. Or as 1 Corinthians 15:33 says: “Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character.’”
APPLY: Paul tells us here in Ephesians, that when you start thinking like the Gentiles
1. Your heart becomes hard, calloused. (4:18)
2. You lose your “sensitivity” to the advantages you have in your marriage (4:19)
3. You get caught up in bitterness, rage and anger (4:31)
In short, Gentile thinking creates a barrier to the intimacy you need in marriage
In addition, not only not act and think like Gentiles, we shouldn’t talk like Gentiles either.
Ephesians 5:4 says: "Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving."
Gentile talking is filled with hurtful words. Not just curse words, but also insults and put downs, jokes told about your husband or wife that belittle them in the eyes of others.
DON’T tell jokes that makes your spouse look bad.
DON’T tell things about your wife or husband that play on their weaknesses.
DON’T insult or belittle your spouse in public or private… that’s how the Gentiles talk.
So, if you want a strong marriage: don’t act like Gentiles, don’t think like them and don’t talk like them.
(pause) Those are the things you shouldn’t do… but what SHOULD you do?
III. First as a Christian spouse – you should learn how to handle conflict.
Conflict is a reality in almost every marriage. Just because we shouldn’t behave like Gentiles doesn’t mean we won’t. We pick up the tendency to argue and fight from the people we work with, the shows we watch, the books we read, the songs we listen to. Or we carry it over from how we saw our parents, or grandparents or other treat each other. Because of these influences we have learned traits and responses that create conflict in our homes.
One of the shocking realities of being married is that people who have loved each other so deeply can become so angry with each other. Such arguments can get downright scary at times.
So, how should a Christian handle those uncomfortable situations?
Realize you have the right to get angry. I always liked the King James Version of Ephesians 4:26 "Be angry." You have a right to be angry sometimes. Your husband or wife can do some pretty stupid things, and there will be times when you have every right to be upset. BUT, while you may have a right to be angry, you have NO RIGHT to sin (i.e. act like a Gentile). "Be angry" says Ephesians 4:25, "and sin not." In what ways might my anger play out in sinful ways?
1. By violent behavior.
2. Spiteful language
3. Hateful thoughts.
ILLUS: Years ago I got really angry with my wife. She had something that I considered grossly unfair and painful. I boiled with rage. And, amazingly, I found that I enjoyed the experience. It felt good to be angry with her in that way. I reveled in the thought that I was right and she was wrong (although, to this day, I can’t remember what the argument was about, or what was said - that’s how trivial it really was).
What I do recall is, that after a few short minute the feeling of that rage began to fade away. But I liked the feeling of that anger so much I called it up again to my memory. Again I felt the pleasure of that moment. But once again it faded away. Once more, I reached down into the bowels of my memory and retrieved the wrong my wife had done me…
I did this 3 or 4 times. It was kind of like a cow chewing its cud, swallowing it and regurgitating it again to taste his meal again and again.
Then a still small voice asked "Is this really worth destroying your marriage over? Is this really important enough to destroy your relationship with your wife?" The stark reality of that question was like being hit with a bucket of ice cold water and it chilled me to my bones. I realized that if I continued to replay my thoughts of bitterness I would eventually end up divorced and robbed of my Christian witness.
Behavior like that grieves the Holy Spirit. Eph 4:30-31 tells us: "And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (How can I avoid grieving God’s Spirit?) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice."
It doesn’t matter if you’re right. Reacting wrongly can hurt not only your marriage, but your relationship with God.
IV. How can a Christian protect themselves against the devastating effects of conflict?
1. Don’t allow yourself to go to bed angry (vs. 26)
2. Don’t allow yourself to “slander” your spouse (vs. 31)
Don’t call your spouse "Fat and ugly" or "stupid and lazy."
3. Lastly – realize an argument can leave you very angry. You’ll think, but “they were wrong, they were unkind to me, they slandered me, they said things that I don’t know if I can ever forgive…”
Eph 4:32 says "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Tell me, how much did God forgive you? Did He forgive only part of your sin? Most of your sin? You better hope not, because if God forgave all of your sin EXCEPT one or two things… you’re going to Hell.
Praise God that He has promised that "as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Ps 103:12)
V. Now I don’t want to give you the impression that marriages are filled with conflict and difficulty all the times.
Now it may seem that way at times. I remember reading the true story of a woman who told of the time her husband and she had a huge argument, she said: "we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the 3rd day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
’Oh,’ I said, ’now you’re speaking to me.’
He looked confused. ’What are you talking about?’
’Haven’t you noticed I haven’t spoken to you for 3 days?’ I challenged.
’No,’ he said. ’I just thought we were getting along.’"
Honestly, though, such arguments are rare in most marriages. And we’ve been talking about what to do when such times arise… but what do you do for your spouse when you’re not arguing. Is there a particular habit we can pick up to make ourselves better husbands and wives in those times? Oh yes. Ephesians 4:29 says: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
ILLUS: Do you remember when you were 1st dating. You couldn’t say enough good about them. You wrote their names in your school books, on your lockers, in your diary. Whenever anyone asked you about them – their best qualities: They were tall, beautiful, stylish, handsome, powerful, or kind. You couldn’t say enough good about them.
ILLUS: Two kids were rummaging thru some old letters they found in their attic. They were love letters their parents had written back and forth to each other.
One of the kids looked at the other and said: “This isn’t what they call each other now.”
Yes, although that’s not what those parents called each other now, that is what we who are Christians should call our spouses now. We should actively look for ways to compliment our spouses.
EVERY DAY wives, you should make a list of what’s good about your husband – then tell him
EVERY DAY husbands, you need to look for ways to tell your wife how beautiful she is, how you like her cooking, how exciting she is, how comfortable she makes you when she’s around.
CLOSE: The end result of a Godly Christian marriage should be like the eulogy Bob Russell gave at one of the funerals he conducted:
Mary Francis Meyers died today, a great woman in our church.
Her husband, Ken, died 2 or 3 years ago.
I’ll never forget being in the fireside room when they celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. I said, “Ken, 50 years is a long time.”
He immediately responded: “Not nearly as long as it would have been without her.”
Having a good marriage isn’t so much about “finding the right mate” as it is about being the right mate. And the best place to start in becoming the right mate is in becoming a child of God and learning to be pleasing to Him in all that you do…
SERMONS IN THIS SERIES
Choose Wisely - Genesis 24:1-24:67
The Perfect Mate - Ephesians 4:17-5:5
Total Commitment - Ruth 1:16-1:17
The Wedding - 1 Corinthians 13:4-13:8
