Last week, I used an illustration to show that Jesus should be the center of our small group meetings. He is the real leader of the small group. He is alive. He comes to us in the person of the Holy Spirit. And he is Lord. But lying underneath this goal of our gathering is the reality that we all must still live in relationship to one another.
As you and I all know, it’s not always easy being in relationship with others. At best, we don’t know how to interact with people who are different than us. At worst, we just don’t like people who are different than us. So we develop bonds with those who are like us, only to find that the more they are like us, the more we find ourselves competing with them. Sometimes I wonder, "maybe the whole idea of getting along is overrated!" Yet, in Christian community, we are called to do more than get along. When God calls us to himself he calls us to one another. He calls us to a deep, unbreakable, committed, covenantal relationship to him, and as those who are adopted as his children, we are also called to one another. If Jesus is the center of our community—if he is Lord—then we have no choice but to understand how he wants us to relate to one another within that community.
So how do we rightly relate to one another in our small groups? I have found there is no reason to "reinvent the wheel" in responding to this question. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in his classic work, Life Together, explains 7 ways to serve your small group. The list is quite Biblical, and it gives us a clear picture of what healthy relationships in a small group look like as each member is committed to ministering to the others.
By the way, these 7 ministries are helpful in any community--a small group community, a marriage community of two, a work group, or a family community. If you will serve your wife or husband, your kids, your co-workers, or whoever in these ways, you will find yourself successful within those relationships. But our goal is to minister to one another in our small groups in these ways.
1. The Ministry of Holding One’s Tongue
Psalm 50:19-21 says, "To the wicked, God says…"You use your mouth for evil and harness your tongue to deceit. You speak continually against your brother and slander your own mother’s son. These things you have done and I kept silent; you thought I was altogether like you. But I will rebuke you and accuse you to your face."
One of the great unrecognized tragedies of man is our tendency to think it is God-like to speak against our brother. In Israel’s case, as they spoke harshly and slandered one another and God did not strike them down, they considered it a green light from God. To this day, most of us operate under a false code of ethics, somehow subconsciously believing it is godly to talk about others. If others succeed in ministry, Christian magazines print exposes of their shortcomings. When a brother is struggling with sin, or is even perceived to be, we want to ask someone to pray for them. In reality, we just want someone to know that person is not all that perfect, or we want them to know how great we are in our battle against sin and evil. When we speak against someone, whether it be in their face, such as a put-down or an insult, or behind their backs in gossip, it is always an attempt to prove them less like God or make us more like him. The uncontrolled tongue is always about self-justification—either we make them lower or we make ourselves higher.
An old African proverb says, "The ax forgets but the cut log does not." If our goal is to exalt Jesus as Lord in our community, it ought to be clear among us that we will not allow our tongues to be axes in our community. We might get over what we’ve said, but that other person does not soon forget. Let’s not speak negatively against one another. Let’s refuse to participate in gossip. Let’s keep the confidences that people share with us. "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."(Eph. 4:29)
2. The Ministry of Meekness
The first thing Paul exhorted the Roman believers after he told them to offer their bodies as living sacrifices was this: "Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you." (Rom. 12:3)
It’s interesting to note the progression Paul makes here as you work backward through that verse. The more faith God has measured out to you, the more able you will be to think of yourself with sober judgment. And, if we were to think with such sobriety, we will not think too highly of ourselves. Faith is expressed well in humility and that builds others up. Thomas Penn expressed the value of the humble man to a community when he said, "Sense shines with a double luster when it is set in humility. An able and yet humble man is a jewel worth a kingdom."
If God gives grace to the humble but opposes the proud, then it is only in the humble that others will see Jesus. Bonhoeffer writes, "If my sinfulness appears to me to be in any way smaller or less detestable in comparison with the sins of others, I am still not recognizing my sinfulness at all." Every thought that we have that gives credence to ourselves above others is an attempt to put ourselves at the center of the community. In doing so, we rob Jesus of his right place. We must be humble.
3. The Ministry of Listening
Bonhoeffer begins, "Just as love to God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for the brethren is learning to listen to them." Learning to listen is critical to creating an atmosphere of love. If we fail at listening, we will fail to understand and we will misinterpret Christ in one another.
If you don’t believe me, consider how these misinterpretations of songs changed their meaning:
From the song "Close to You" by the Carpenters.
Original lyrics: And they sprinkled stardust in your hair… (Can you picture that?)
Misheard lyrics: And they sprinkled doughnuts in your hair…
That’s a different picture! But are they sprinkled doughnuts or doughnuts with sprinkles on them? I don’t know.
Original lyrics: I can see clearly now the rain has gone. (by Johnny Nash)
Misheard lyrics: I can see Shirley now Lorraine has gone.
Original lyrics: Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen. (Sung by? Abba)
Misheard lyrics: Dancing Queen, eat a bean off the tambourine.
And how about a couple from Kenny Rogers.
Original lyrics from "Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love to Town" a song about a paralyzed man whose wife is threatening to leave him: The wants and the needs of a woman your age…
Misheard lyrics: The warts on the knees of a woman your age… (I think ol’ Ruby would’ve just gone ahead and taken her love to town, don’t you?)
Original lyrics: You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, four hungry children and not a crop in the field.
Misheard lyrics: You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille, 400 children and still not on the pill.
There are three areas in a small group community where it is imperative that we listen well. The first is in the area of love and care. If I love my brother, I must listen to him. If I am to mourn when he mourns, I must learn to hear mourning in the things he says. If I am to rejoice when he rejoices, I must learn to listen for what brings him joy. David Augsburger said "An open ear is the only believable sign of an open heart."
The second imperative for listening is in the area of confession. James 5:16 says, "Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." There is power in our confession. Power to heal. Power to set free. But this requires an ear to hear our confession well enough to respond to it with prayer. This is, perhaps, the most sanctified of all acts of listening. It is often said that we have to be more transparent with one another, more humble, more willing to confess our sins. Could it be that we would be more familiar with the practice of confession if we were more practiced in the art of listening? Bonhoeffer laments, "It is little wonder that we are no longer capable of the greatest service of listening that God has committed to us, that of hearing our brother’s confession, if we refuse to give ear to our brother on lesser subjects."
Third, listening is required for hearing the voice of God. God speaks through his people. He reveals himself and his will through others. If we listen to them, we will hear from Him. John wrote, "We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood." (1 John 4:6) Listen carefully. Your brother might just be revealing to you the very truth that will set you free.
4. The Ministry of Helpfulness
Dr. Richard Swenson wrote a book a few years ago that really challenges our normal way of life. The book is called Margin. He writes, "Margin is the amount allowed beyond that which is needed. It is something held in reserve for contingencies or unanticipated situations. Margin is the gap between rest and exhaustion, the space between breathing freely and suffocating. It is the leeway we once had between ourselves and our limits." As a mother of 5, my wife Tammie is often asked how she’s doing. Since she’s started this class on tax preparation, people have asked her even more. Knowing the amount of energy it takes to be a mom for 5 kids, and knowing that she’s taken on an extra load, what they’re really wanting to know is "How is your margin? Is there leeway between what you do and your limits?"
Swenson: "Actually, margin is not a spiritual necessity. But availability is. God expects us to be available for the needs of others. And without margin, each of us would have great difficulty guaranteeing availability. Instead, when God calls, he gets the busy signal."
John said, "Dear friends, let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and in truth." (1 John 3:18). Helping each other move. Watching each others kids. Fixing each others cars. Helping a friend with funeral arrangements. These things and much more are the ministry of helpfulness.
5. The Ministry of Bearing
"Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Gal. 6:2) Charles Dickens wrote, "No one is useless in the world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else." The ministry of bearing is one that combines patience, grace, commitment, and compassion and extends it into the life of another. This is the ministry of the cross. Isaiah said of Jesus, "Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows…the punishment that brought us peace was upon him." The one who bears the burdens of another bears the likeness of Jesus.
It is for our freedom that Jesus bore our burden. Likewise, when we bear the burden of another, we do it for their freedom. God has brought into my life two men whom I love tremendously. Both of them are alcoholics. I know that drinking a beer or a glass of wine here and there is permissible, but it might not be beneficial. God has given me their burden by laying it upon me not to drink. I gladly bear their burden, because their not drinking and being enslaved by it again is far more important to me than the exercise of my freedom.
6. The Ministry of Proclaiming
Can you see the necessity of relationships in 1 Timothy 3:16?—"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness." An important part of our life together is speaking the word of God to one another so that we remain in the truth. If Jesus is the Word, and the word is a revelation of Jesus himself, doesn’t it only make sense that we proclaim this word to one another? It is only then that Jesus remains at the center of our community.
7. The Ministry of Authority
Let’s get this straight—there is no ministry of authority apart from Christ. Jesus said, "for you have only one Master and you are all brothers."(Matt. 23:8) Granted, we do have positions of authority in the church. Hebrews 13:17 says, Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you." But understand, that authority is not based on position, but on servanthood. As Bonhoeffer notes, "Genuine spiritual authority is to be found only where the ministry of hearing, helping, bearing, and proclaiming is carried out."
Jesus at the center and on his throne in a gathering of people will release authority to those who do the service of ministry. That’s why he said whoever wants to be great in his kingdom must be the servant of all. It is the servant who influences others, and influence is leadership. I find it to be God’s grace to me to have the privilege to submit to the authority of one who has practiced the ministry of holding their tongue; who has demonstrated the ministry of humility; who has been attentive in the ministry of listening; who has margin for the ministry of helpfulness; who has carried the ministry of bearing; and who has persisted in the ministry of proclaiming. That person, no matter their appointment, has a ministry of authority in my life.
Alice is one of those people in my life. She is quite old now and very confused. Apparently she doesn’t think I’m a very talented man. When I visited her last week, she introduced herself to me as though we had never met. When I prayed with her, she interrupted me in the middle of my prayer and asked, "What is the work that you do?" But years of faithfulness and single-minded devotion to Jesus have caused me to hang on to her every word. When she prays, words are so hard for her to come by that she can only utter what’s most important. So when she asks the Father to make people ready to hear the gospel, I hear what’s important to Jesus. And when I hear her say she’s lonely, I hear Jesus tell me to keep visiting her.
As we serve one another, Jesus will be made known. Can you think of a better gift to receive this Christmas than to see the face of Jesus in a few others who want nothing more than to see you walking and rejoicing in the presence of God?
