I Have a Friend Who Struggles With Anger
Dr. Marty Baker
Stevens Creek Community Church
Augusta, GA.
email: stevenscreek@aol.com
www.stevenscreek.net
October 28, 2001
When was the last time you were overcome with anger? What made you mad? Did someone try to trick you? Cheat you? Did somebody do something or say something to you? How did you handle it?
Maybe some of you are like the guy in this video clip that is secretly involved in a taste test for decaffeinated coffee? He is minding his own business, enjoying a nice evening out with his wife, when his world is interrupted with the unexpected. Let’s take a look at his reaction on the side screens. (Chris Farley Clip)
Angry. Hopefully we do not respond like that, but on occasion we may fantasize about the possibility. There are not too many things that make me real angry, but I have to admit that I wrestle with anger at times. Like last Sunday, the service went well. I enjoyed a nice lunch. I made it home in time to catch up on the latest news on the war front. I picked up the Augusta Chronicle and read the editorial page. Did you see it?
Suzanne Downing highlighted the recent case where People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (i.e. PETA) requested the University of South Carolina to change it’s mascot from Gamecocks to something else. They cited that our beloved mascot promotes a hideous blood sport that, like spousal abuse, bank robbery and driving while intoxicated, is illegal in South Carolina. Ms. Downing concludes with these words: "PETA has it priorities in order, indicating it’s one organization that’s getting back to normal."1
My blood began to simmer. I could feel the hair rising on the back of my neck. I thought: "The nerve of these people moving into our area and trying to rewrite history." You see they don’t understand that the Gamecocks were named after Thomas Sumter, the last surviving general of the American Revolution. As he fought it was said that he was as tenacious as a fighting gamecock. When it came time to choose a mascot, it was only fitting to connect the school with a winning history.
In the office this week, I was venting my frustration concerning the mascot challenge, when my personal assistant said, "Oh, by the way I’ve been a member of PETA." My heart sank because I knew that they had infiltrated the ranks.
Anger ... It’s the emotion that will "get you riled up."
Anger ... It will cause your blood pressure to rise and your adrenaline to rush.
Anger ... It may cause you to put your mouth in motion before you get your mind in gear.
Anger ... It may encourage you to do things that you will later regret.
We’ve all been victims of its terror and, sadly to say, perpetrators of its pain. Rarely a day goes by that we all don’t feel some form of anger. That’s why it’s important to talk about our anger -- what it is, where it comes from, and how we can learn to handle it in constructive ways. Only when the roots of our anger are exposed can we defuse its explosive potential.
To begin with, it is important to understand that anger is one of the most basic human emotions. It is a "God-given" emotion. Everyone gets angry. It’s a feeling of being against someone or something. The problems is that anger has a tendency to set people against each other, or even against themselves.
When anger is unleashed in our lives, it can feel like an inner fire. It hits you in the gut. You see red and feel hot and sweaty. You perspire, your nostrils may flare, and your jaw tightens. You are visibly irritated. You feel like you are going to explode. It’s painful, but we all know that explosive anger is not the only kind that’s deadly.
At times anger disguises itself behind the masks of silence, cynicism or passive-aggressive behaviors like pouting, stubbornness, gossip, procrastination and agrumentativeness. Anger looks like compliance on the outside, but on the inside resentment and hostility are raging just beneath the surface.
Anger is a lot like energy - it cannot be destroyed, only stored or altered to another form. When we fail to deal with our anger, it pushes its way into souls and troubles our minds, impedes our relationships and can even produce physical problems.
Learning how to handle our anger becomes an important part of our lives. If you don’t learn how to handle your anger, you are going to end up like O.J. Simpson, spending your days and your money on attorney’s fees dodging convictions right and left.
This morning I want to talk about positive ways to handle your anger. Hopefully this talk will help some of you come to terms with the emotions that are raging inside of you. Why are you so mad? When we answer that question we begin a process of working through our anger.
How to Handle Your Anger
1. Seek to understand why you are angry.
Maybe it’s time for you to clarify the issue. Sort it out. Determine what it is that causes this turmoil. Unpack the clutter of your life and see if there is anything in your history that fuels your rage.
Do you feel like life is unfair? Are you filled with fear? Do you lack fulfillment? Over you overwhelmed by your own rebellion? Could it be the people you hang out with? What about your own selfish desires?
Whatever the issue is, you need to clarify it. You need to understand why you are so angry.
Some of you are angry because you have unrealistic expectations. The world that you live in is not the one that you imagined. Life has not been fair nor has it been easy. You can complain about your life. You can be bitter. You can be miserable or you can work through your frustrations and get on with your life.
Today’s message is an attempt to help you get on with your life. To do this, clarify the issues. Focus on the problems. Learn how to handle your anger in a "God-honoring way".
Once you’ve determined the source of your emotional conflict, the deep-seated anger, then you need to prepare a response.
We often ignore the real issues inside until someone uncovers a weakness in our armor. They expose past pain. We become defensive and we react.
Have you ever noticed that one’s reaction to a problem is often the beginning of a bigger problem? Someone touches our hot button and then we react with an all-out assault. When the dust settles, the original problem was not that big of a deal, but the reaction to the problem is a huge deal. It’s the proverbial "foot in mouth disease". We react with words that ignite a firestorm.
Over the years, I’ve been guilty of reacting to situations instead of responding. The reactions that have caused me the greatest problems are those that stem from my lack of patience. Something develops and I jump in and stir it up instead of calming it down. What’s the lesson that we can learn? In volatile situations, we need to give ourselves time to formulate a proper response.
2. Give yourself time to respond.
It is important to not to react, but to respond in volatile situations. This can be an enormous challenge because many times we express anger in the heat of the moment. If we can detach ourselves from the situation for a moment, we will be less likely to say or do something we would later regret. This reprieve moment gives us an opportunity to do two things:
Control our behavior.
It doesn’t matter how frustrated and angry you get, don’t cross the line of verbal or physical abuse. Draw a line for yourself and refuse to cross it. Exercise restraint. Don’t justify or excuse abusive behaviors.
Watch our words.
God tells us in no uncertain terms to get a grip our tongues.
Proverbs 10:19 (NLT)
Don’t talk too much, for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!
Proverbs 18:21 (NLT)
Those who love to talk will experience the consequences, for the tongue can kill or nourish life.
James 3:2 (NLT)
We all make many mistakes, but those who control their tongues can also control themselves in every other way.
Personal Story
Patty and I do not have anger-ridden personalities. We rarely fight. We seldom have cross words. In fact, this year we have only had two significant, emotionally-intensive disagreements. Both of them occurred within twenty-four hours of one of my sermons. The first one was in the spring; the second one in the fall.
Several months ago, my parents were visiting our services. After lunch, they stopped by our house for dessert. I was tired and was longing to go to bed, but I stayed up to be cordial. At one point in the conversation I felt like two very important women in my life were ganging up on me. They were comparing negative patterns in my organizational behavior. It’s one thing for your wife to say something. It’s okay for your mother to say something, but when they get together and compare stories, it becomes unfair.
During this assault, I reacted with a verbal nuclear attack. One comment and the conversation was blown to smithereens. My reaction was not well received. My parents eventually fled the state and I was left to repair the damage. Instead of repairing the damage, I decided to let it sink in a little bit. In fact, I dug the hole a little deeper. The next day, war broke out. Whew! I soon regretted what I said on Sunday and I regretted what I said on Monday. Through it all I learned some valuable lessons that I hoped would go with me into the future.
Roll the calendar foward several months. Similar situation, different circumstances. On this occasion Patty, inadvertently, presses one of my hot buttons. I am ready to explode. My mind quickly races back several months. I remember the pain of my previous reaction. This time I am much wiser. Instead of putting my mouth in motion before I get my mind in gear I simply resolve to be quiet. I am determined to remain quiet until I can be nice.
Needless to say, we did not have a lot of conversation that day. The conversation we did have was surface level only. Warm outside; icy cold inside.
Then we go to bed and she starts quoting scripture. What do you do when your wife pulls out the Bible?
She said, "Do we need to talk? I wasn’t ready to say anything.
She continued, "You know the Bible says don’t let the sun go down while you are angry."
I wanted to say, "The sun’s still up in China."
I realized that it would not have been prudent for me to say that, so I said nothing.
It is better to saying nothing than to explode with unkind words. I would add to that it’s better to do nothing rather than respond with abusive behavior. Abuse is never an option.
It has been said that an angry confrontation can erase 20 acts of kindness. It is important for us to watch our words. We have the power of life and death in our vocabulary. Speak life.
My mother always said, "If you can’t say anything good, don’t say anything at all." That night I rolled over and went to sleep. I soon discovered that a good night’s rest helps to diffuse an emotionally-intensive situation. It doesn’t solve all of your problems, but it helps you to think straight. The next day, I released my anger to God in prayer. That’s what you have to do.
3. Release your anger to God in prayer.
Let it out. Get alone with God. Take your pillow in your prayer closet; pound on it if you have to and tell God how you feel. God can handle your frustrations.
After you’ve prayed about it, go talk about it with a friend or a Christian counselor. If you can do it constructively, go talk with the person you are angry with. Whatever you do, don’t keep your anger locked up in your heart. As Patty and the Apostle Paul say,
Ephesians 4:26-27
"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.
It took about three days for us to work through those issues. For me personally, if I cannot work through an issue in three days, I may have a spiritual problem. Jesus was in the grave three days and he came out of it. If I can’t get my emotions under control in three days, I start examining my heart to see if there is sin hidden in its crevices. Some of you this morning need to release your anger to God in prayer. Pour out your heart. Tell God every detail. Be honest. Come clean. Confess your fears, your concerns, and most of all, your sins.
Once you’ve done that, you need to
4. Go to the person that you are in conflict with.
It is important to keep an open door for communication to take place. If it is difficult to communicate verbally, communicate in written form. We can use paper to get our thoughts out in order so we say what really needs to be said. After you’ve written it, sleep on it. Have you communicated in a way that will help build a bridge between the two of you? Attempt to reconcile the situation. Be a peacemaker.
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Do what you can, then move on!
5. Give up the right to resentment and revenge.
You may feel like you have earned the right to be bitter, but the Bible teaches that bitterness will destroy you. Anger will hurt you more than anyone else. Give it up. Surrender your bitterness to God. When this happens, you will find freedom.
How to deal with angry friends?
1. Ask God for Wisdom.
James 1:5
If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.
2. Deal with your own issues first.
What you hate in someone else, often is what you struggle with yourself.
3. Seek to understand life from your friend’s view point.
4. Strive to make peace.
5. Highlight the positive within the situation.
6. Be committed to work through the problem.
When it is possible, resolve to work through the problem before you walk out of the relationship.
7. Proceed with caution.
We live in a violent society. There are people who cannot handle their emotions. You need to proceed with caution in these relationships. Be prepared to end the relationship if your safety is at risk. In no way, shape or form should you expose yourself or your family to dangerous individuals. You have a responsibility to protect yourself and those around you. You may need to change friends, change jobs, or even move. You may need the help of a Christian counselor or an attorney. Do what you have to do to protect your loved ones.
In healthy relationships, most disagreements are resolved in a nondestructive manner. You may strongly disagree with someone, but you must learn to work through your conflicts in a controlled and respectful manner.
Closing Prayer
