In the 1970’s, a wave of no-fault divorce legislation swept across the nation. As states passed no-fault divorce laws, a culture of divorce developed. The divorce culture was perpetuated by the rise in pre-nuptial agreements. Now, many states are realizing the socio-economic effects of divorce. The effect of divorce on children is especially notable. The impact on juvenile justice systems, education, and welfare from the psychological and behavioral patterns of children of divorce have caused the states to stand up and take notice.
In 1997, Louisiana passed a "covenant marriage" law, allowing couples to agree beforehand that they can only file for divorce in cases of infidelity, abuse, neglect, imprisonment and other marital faults. But so far, only about 5% of marriages have agreed to enter into legal covenant marriages.
Other states have proposed similar measures to no avail. Some states have looked at such ideas as mandatory counseling, mandatory 1-year waiting periods for divorce, and requiring marriage education in high school. All of these proposals have been raised to curb the divorce culture we’ve created.
The church is in the act too. In West Albany, NY, 14 churches got together and agreed that they would not marry anyone without their having first completed 6 months of counseling. I received a call late last year from a couple in Gresham who wanted to be married in two months, but the church they attended required 6 months of counseling. Out of respect for the authority of the church they attended, I refused the invitation to officiate their wedding.
Are these solutions viable? Can anything be done to curb the culture of divorce in our nation? Personally, I believe some of these solutions might help, but they don’t address the problem with marriages. If we want our marriages to survive, contrary to the culture in which we live, we must refer to the Bible--not for a mandate (though we will find plenty of mandates regarding marriage)--but for the revelation behind the mandates that provides the key for marriages to survive. The key is this: marriage is not a legal issue, it is a spiritual matter.
In Matthew 19, the Pharisees tried to raise the legal question with Jesus. (Matthew 19:3) They asked this to test Jesus, hoping he would draw battle lines and alienate those on different sides of the Jewish debate on marriage and divorce as it related to the law of Moses.
But Jesus’ ignored the legal aspects of their question and answered their question from a Creator’s point of view. (Matthew 19:4-6) Jesus was telling these Pharisees that the law should not supercede the Creator’s work in marriage. Marriage is not a legal issue, but a spiritual one. At its core, marriage is the creative and mysterious hand of God uniting two people, joining them together. "Let no man, or no man’s laws, separate what God has done," Jesus said.
So the Pharisees, in their vast knowledge of the law, thought they had Jesus. (Matthew 19:7-9). Allow me to paraphrase. "Moses didn’t command you to divorce, he permitted it. He gave those laws to govern your hard-hearted behavior. But this is not what my Father intended when he joined people together. I tell you that if any of you divorce, unless your spouse has already broken that bond by becoming one flesh with another, you are in danger of committing adultery. The father still sees you as one with your first wife." You see, as hard as they were trying to make marriage and divorce a legal issue, albeit a religious one, Jesus insisted that it is a spiritual matter.
Viewing marriage as a spiritual matter as opposed to a religious legal issue can help your marriage survive this culture of divorce. In this dialogue, Jesus reveals three spiritual truths about marriage and divorce that will help us find success.
First of all, working backwards through the text, Jesus seems to affirm the disciples’ conclusion that it is better not to marry. (Matthew 19:10-12) A eunuch was a male who was castrated so that his sexual desire would not interfere with his service. Some were born that way, many were slaves castrated by their masters. But there were those who willingly put their sexual desires aside for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.
I’ve realized the tension between being married and serving the kingdom of heaven. (1 Cor. 7:32-35; 1 Cor. 7:7-9
Jesus takes divorce so seriously, it might be better for you not to marry. He said those who can accept this, should accept it. If you can serve God with undivided attention without burning with passion, God bless you! It’s not for me. But I married with a strong realization that marriage is a spiritual matter, and that divorce was not an option and continues to not be an option for Tammie and me.
Spiritual reality #2: Divorce leads to adultery. This is backwards from your experience and backwards from a religious-legal view of this text. Adultery does not lead to divorce and adultery is not cause for divorce. In the spiritual realm, divorce is the separation of what God has made one. When a husband or wife enters into an extra-marital affair, they do so having put aside the spiritual reality that they are one with their spouse. Having divorced themselves, this marital unfaithfulness leads to adultery. Any person who separates what God has joined together to unite their flesh with another is then demonstrating the sin of adultery. It’s sin because it fails to revere the work of the Creator. Adultery doesn’t lead to divorce, spiritual divorce leads to adultery. Don’t go there!
Finally, what God has joined together, let no man separate. If you are married, you are no longer two, but one. In an article for Discovery Publishing, Steve Zeisler wrote: "In many respects the best biological analogy to marriage is the creation of a life. Man and woman each contribute a cell having 23 chromo-somes. The two cells are joined together, and a new human being who has never existed, a unique individual life, is created. In marriage, when two unique individuals, known and loved by God, are given to each other, another sort of life begins. God creates a living thing that never existed before, a unique oneness. And God cares about the life that he calls into being. God made you and me and we matter to him. But if he makes marriages, they also matter to him, and we ought to regard them that way."
The secret to making marriages thrive is to dance with the spiritual reality that you are no longer two lives trying to get along, but two former lives now becoming one new life by the loving hand of God.
Unfortunately, I see a lot in marriages that looks more like two-ness than oneness. Prenuptial agreements; separate bank accounts; blended marriages that divide over your kids/my kids arguments; steadfast divisions in responsibilities; and completely separate pursuits of God. These things do not reflect oneness.
So how do we practice oneness with our husband or wife? Is it dating? Good sex? Communication? No. Overriding all these activities is one act done repetitively that creates oneness in marriage. It is the act of dying.
A man goes to see his doctor after having a mild heart attack. The doctor takes the man’s wife aside and tells her that her only hope of preventing another, probably fatal, heart attack is to remove all sources of stress in her husband’s life. "Cook him three healthy meals a day, do all the housework, never argue or disagree, and be available for romance every night," the doctor tells her. On the way home, the husband asks the wife what the doctor said to her. After a long pause, she looks him in the eye and laments, "He says you’re gonna die."
This woman doesn’t need him to die to find life in her marriage. She needs to die. The dying that brings life in a marriage is the dying that gives up our selfish desires to become a servant to the other. When two people do that, a new life is formed. The marital union takes on its own life, and that life is abundantly good where death to self is constantly occurring.
Most marriages in trouble have a root cause—selfishness. That selfishness might manifest itself offensively—lashing out, nagging, physical or verbal abuse—or defensively—lazy, withdrawn, uncommunicative, uncooperative. Gary Thomas commented, "I don’t believe couples fall out of love—they fall out of repentance." ("Putting Yourself Last" Marriage Partnership, Winter 1999). When we turn from our selfish ways and let go of our so-called rights and desires, we are free to give ourselves into this new life created by our oneness.
The key to finding life in that relationship, is to give yourself wholly into it. As Paul Stevens wrote, "In marriage, death and life interpenetrate, as crucifixion and resurrection are eternally joined. Married persons are literally buried into each other, physically, emotionally and spiritually, losing themselves but finding themselves in the other." (Marriage Spirituality, InterVarsity Press).
It is the same principle that allows us to find life in a relationship with Christ. Jesus said, "Whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." We find abundant new life in Christ when we repent, turn ourselves over to the Lordship of Jesus Christ, and serve him. Likewise, when we turn from our old patterns and give ourselves over as servants, God creates a new life in the oneness of our marriage.
We find abundant life through the spiritual victory given to us by through Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior. We overcome the battles of the flesh by dying to ourselves so his Holy Spirit may live in us. We overcome the false messages and misguided wisdom of this world by dying to our own thoughts and transforming our minds by the word of God. When we no longer trust ourselves to find our way to God, Jesus becomes the perfect substitute and the cross becomes our transport back to our Creator. We die. Then we have true life.
Likewise, when we die to our own desires, His Holy Spirit makes us like him in service to our wives and our husbands. When we transform our minds, we overcome the messages of this world that says we have to preserve our own lives in marriage first and that divorce is no big deal. When we marry, marry, quite contrary to this world’s selfish pattern, resting instead in the truth that God has made us one and no law or lack of law can separate us, the cross becomes our transport to a oneness crafted by God. We die. Then we have true life.
