email: cholt@gt.rr.com
GUILT and How to Deal With it.
1 Sam. 24:1-8ff.
Garrison Keillor said, "GUILT: The Gift That Keeps on Giving."
Last Thursday I talked with my daughter who lives in Houston. When I called, she asked, “What are you doing?” I told her I was working on a message for Sunday night on the subject of guilt. She said, “Well, Dad, nobody is more qualified to talk on that subject than you.” Laughing, I said, “How am I supposed to understand that?” I thought, should I accept her comment as a compliment on my ability or . . .? Before I had the chance to savor the moment, she said, “I mean, no body can talk about guilt like you can because you have felt guilty about most things all your life.” I must say that was just a little different than what I had expected. Well, so much for “telling it like it is.” Your kids know how to cut through the pretence and other garbage to get right to the meat of the matter. I wasn’t offended. She didn’t say it to be mean or ugly. I have a good relationship with her. She’s honest with me and expects the same from me. It was just a straightforward observation based upon her memories of years of growing up in a preacher’s house, listening to things I said and ways I reacted to different situations and different people.
Later, thinking about it, I knew she was right. I began to recall the early days of my young Christian faith. I take no pleasure in admitting it, but my life as a young Christian was ruled by guilt! I had absolutely no concept of the meaning of Paul’s words when he said, “happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth” (Rm. 14:22). For a while I reminisced about times, places, and events where I was smitten by feelings of guilt. It was not guilt about some terrible sin or failure that would call for God’s anger. It was guilt about things that later I learned were nonessentials, trivialities, and things that most of you would think were absolutely silly. As just one example, to make this a little more concrete (and it is characteristic of the whole gamut of guilt that gripped my thinking and acting), on one occasion I felt awfully guilty about wearing a beautifully designed and very colorful silk tie I had purchased. I bought it because it was a beautiful tie. It was one of the most beautiful ties I had ever seen. I wanted it. After many debates with myself, I bought it. I couldn’t wear it because I made myself guilty of pride! Could you see John the Baptist wearing a silk tie? Can you picture Jesus entering the synagogue in Nazareth with a silk tie streaming down from his neck? I couldn’t either. Smitten by guilt, I tore it from my neck.
I mention that to say, I know guilt feelings. I know what it is like to be shackled by guilt, to be influenced by it, to be unable to make good decisions—right decisions—because of what guilt says. In those early learning days, because of my guilty feelings, everyone else was always right and I was always wrong! I can attest to the fact that a feeling of guilt makes a person’s life miserable. It punishes. It is an unmerciful critic. I felt shame, low self-esteem, and depression. Guilty feelings do that.
Let me ask a question. This will test your knowledge of the Bible. How many of you have read—somewhere in your Bible—that it is written: “Let your conscience be your guide!” Did King Solomon say it in the Book of Proverbs or perhaps in Ecclesiastes? The Song of Solomon? Does that ring a bell? You say you know that you have read it somewhere or at least you have heard it. We’ve all heard it. It sounds like something that the Bible would say, doesn’t it. But does it? It sounds like good advice. But is it? The answer is NO in both instances. First: “Let your conscience be your guide” is not found in the Bible. It isn’t scriptural. Second: it is not necessarily good advice because not everyone has a good conscience capable of giving good advice.
Neither prophet, priest, apostle, nor king said, “Let your conscience be your guide.” If they didn’t, who did? A lowly little cricket named Jiminy said that now famous line to none other than Pinocchio. If you will recall, Jiminy was assigned to Pinocchio to act as his conscience because Pinocchio was merely a wooden puppet. Like many today, Pinocchio chose to ignore his conscience and got into more trouble than he ever dreamed could happen.
We are not wooden puppets. We don’t have a Jiminy Cricket-style conscience. We are made in the image of God and He has put within every one of us the ability to discern right and wrong. Believe it or not, there is a “law written in their (the) heart” of every person, what we (and the Bible) calls conscience. Paul says, (of the unsaved, “heathen” Gentiles) “…their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the meanwhile accusing or else excusing one another” (Rm. 2:15). “Therefore you are inexcusable, O man, whoever you are…” (2:1). An accusing or excusing conscience. How interesting. Here the Bible tells us what we all know by personal experience.
An accusing conscience can create feelings of guilt. Some live under the dominion of a harsh, accusing, conscience. This harsh, accusing conscience is capable of crushing a person beneath a weight of guilt, or shame. It smothers them with feelings of remorse. It covers them with a choking cloud of depression. They may feel worthless, become a workaholic or perfectionist or manifest other symptoms.
The conscience is also capable of excusing us. It can be liberating, freeing one to live a life that is characterized by peace, joy and love. Your accusing conscience may say, “You really blew it! What an idiot you are.” And we feel guilty and horrible. The excusing conscience may say, “You didn’t blow it! That was a smart move, a good choice. You should feel proud of yourself for responding in the way you did.” To be healthy mentally, emotionally and spiritually we must learn the proper balance between an accusing and excusing conscience.
A healthy conscience is capable of providing good guidance. In his role as a healthy conscience, Jiminy Cricket admonished Pinocchio. He was firm and persistent in warning him of the dangers he faced. He tried to steer him through the minefield of temptations. As you know, Pinocchio wouldn’t let his conscience be his guide. Despite being ignored, Jiminy Cricket pursued him to the very end. He was faithful to his commission.
In his first letter to the Corinthians, the Apostle Paul describes some people as having a “weak conscience” (1 Cor. 8:12). As a young Christian, I had a weak conscience. I had a weak conscience that allowed it to assert itself to become an accusing conscience. It was the source of a lot of grief and bad feelings. Rather than guiding me, it hammered me. Rather than being a friend, it was at times my worst enemy, an unrelenting critic whose criticisms were always negative and destructive. Again, let me make this concrete as possible by recalling another unhappy encounter I had with my accusing conscience back in the early days of my Christian experience. I say this to remind you, I know guilt. I know the smell of guilt. I know the taste of guilt. I know what it is to have powerful guilt feelings.
To the best of my recollection it was in the early beginning of the school year, possibly some time in September 1946. I am in a study hall class at the High school. I remember it was hot. The windows of the classroom were open. This was pre-air-conditioning days. What the circumstances were, what event had triggered my feelings of guilt and despair, I do not recall. I just know I was in the pits. Never mind that I was “saved, sanctified and full of the Holy Ghost," and had already preached my first sermon that was to launch my world-wide ministry—I was in the pits. Taking pencil in hand, I wrote three lines of thirteen words in my two-ring notebook. They were thirteen little words that captured a clear expression of my mental state. I wrote:
Was I born to fail?
To miss in life,
Cast down to hell?
Not everyone can identify with these feelings of mine. Some may even find fault and criticize such an admission. I know there are among us the strong, take charge types who know no fear. They are self-confident, self-reliant, who can’t tolerate any sign of weakness in another person. They never feel a need to apologize, to say, “I am sorry,” because they are always right. They live and breathe positivism and optimism. They are the poster child of Home on the Range, “where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and the skies are not cloudy all day.”
As for me, and for a lot of others, if there was an organization like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), but it was called Guiltaholics Anonymous (GA), I would be a charter member. As a member of Guiltaholics Anonymous I would stand here today to say “Hi. I am Charles. I am a Guiltaholic and I have been in recovery for over 50 years.” I would say it without shame or embarrassment. I can thank God that much has changed over the past 50 years but I am “still a work in progress.” The early days of my Christian life were characterized by an underdeveloped, even retarded, consciousness or understanding of positive and negative guilt. I did not know the difference between good and bad guilt. In saying this, I have tried to be very honest and open about my feelings, especially guilt feelings. I hope you will understand too how this explains, to a great extent, why last week I emphasized so strongly the fact that our God is a forgiving God. Do you remember? Let me remind you of only a few lines from that message.
The most important principle affecting personal victory or defeat, success or failure, peace and happiness on the one hand or despair and self-condemnation on the other is found in one word: FORGIVENESS! Forgiveness—freely offered, freely accepted—defeats guilt, breaks its stranglehold, removes its ability to terrorize and victimize one’s life. A victim of guilt needs one thing: forgiveness.
I made it abundantly clear that although we have all broken the law of God and are therefore all guilty before God that He is more than ready, more than willing, to show mercy and offer His forgiveness. I would love nothing more than to read again all the scriptures that I read then that attest to this fact (Ps. 86:5,15; 103:8, 130:3,4; Acts 13:38,39, 26:18; Eph. 1:7 and Col. 1:14), but I will not.
Guilt is the sincere wish we could undo something we have done or do something we have omitted doing. It may be accompanied by feelings of self-loathing and disgust. It is a combination of feelings that act as an inner critic to show our disapproval of certain actions. These feelings make us angry with ourselves because we have behaved badly. We may experience a sense of shame because we feel we have done something that is out of character or below our dignity or beneath our usual way of acting. It is not at all unusual to feel embarrassment because of what we believe others will think about us as a result of what we have said or done.
To illustrate this we will look at three well-known stories from the Bible featuring some prominent people. We will look at what they did and said to create a situation that gave rise to their own strong feelings of guilt. And we will see how they reacted, and learn some lessons from their behavior.
First is what I choose to call the, “I wish I hadn’t done that,” conduct that creates guilty feelings. This story is found in 1 Samuel 24:1-8ff. We will not read the story in its entirety. The verse of particular interest to us describes David’s feelings after he had cut off the portion of the King’s robe.
"And it came to pass afterward, that David’s heart smote him, because he had cut off Saul’s skirt" (24:5 KJV).
David’s “heart smote” or “troubled (NKJV)” him, i.e., his conscience accused him of acting in a wrong way. We have all been there and know the feeling of being smitten by our conscience. To those members of the human race who choose to dismiss this action by David as being one of the most trivial acts a person can do—cut off a piece of cloth from the robe of a guy that is out to kill you!?—that’s supposed to be bad, awful, and a reason to kick yourself in the seat of the pants? Give me a break! To think this way means one just doesn’t know David very well. But that’s another story. Oh, sure, David’s own devoted followers argued that God had planned this time and place. They reasoned that:
1. It was a “golden opportunity” to strike back against his pesky, persistent enemy.
King Saul had been in pursuit of David for months. David knew Saul intended to kill him if he ever got the chance. But Saul was the raging bull. The bitter envy, jealousy, and anger raged within Saul’s heart, not David’s. King Saul was not David’s enemy. Later, outside the cave, David quoted some ancient proverb that puts it all into context. He said to the King, “Wickedness proceedeth from the wicked: but mine hand shall not be upon thee” (24:13). It’s our perspective, friends, which can determine what we are going to do, how we are going to react in a given situation. Remember this: we do not have to respond in kind to misguided words or actions from anyone that are designed to provoke us to anger. A situation may develop that has the appearance of being a “golden opportunity” to turn the tables, give ‘em a little dose of their own medicine. “Let’s see how you feel, buddy! You can dish it out, let me see if you can also take it!” Too many times, as we act in haste, that so-called “golden” opportunity suddenly turns out to be “fool’s gold.” Our actions prove us to be the fool.
2. He was strongly influenced by people he trusted.
His friends were right there in the cave with him. They had been with him during the entire time fleeing as fugitives from Saul’s wrath. Over the months of running and hiding here and there they had undoubtedly developed a close relationship. Their own wellbeing was bound up in David’s decision that day in the cave. Who better to trust and rely upon than friends who have stood with you in your time of greatest trial. They argued their case for smiting the King.
The philosophy behind their line of reasoning is, “you are a fool if you don’t take advantage of an opportunity like this that’s dumped right into your lap. You’ve got to be totally out of your mind if you can’t see what a chance this is to set the record straight. We are less than five seconds away from getting completely rid of our problem. Let’s kill the old man!”
We all have grievances against some one or some thing. Most of us have the intelligence to know we can’t always follow through with what we would really feel like doing to the aggrieving party. “He’s got it coming,” we figure. If we are not careful, we will fall for the same line of reasoning offered by David’s friends. “Strike while the iron is hot.” “Man, I can’t believe you are just going to sit still and let this guy get away.” I have no doubt that David’s friends pushed hard to get him to act. I have no doubt that it caused him to think seriously about doing what they suggested. One does not lightly regard the advice and counsel of good friends. But counsel and advice from the best and closest of friends is not always the best course of action to take. One should certainly listen to the voice of a friend. Ultimately, however, we must follow our own heart and, “Lord, what will You have me do?”
Restraint is probably the hardest thing for most of us to apply in situations like this. This is especially true when it is exercised against the best advice. For the believer, self-control (another word for restraint) is a result of the Holy Spirit’s inner working. It is the result of yielding our carnal, and vindictive, “you may get away with it from somebody else, but you don’t know who you are dealing with when you mess with me and I’ll teach you a thing or two before I’m done” attitude, to His gentleness and allowing Him to flow in grace through us toward those who have offended us. David, against the advice of his friends, restrained himself from killing the king.
3. He refused to act out of fear or unbelief.
He chose not to abandon his high road of faith. We cannot underestimate nor overstate the role faith played in influencing David to make the right decision. Against what appeared to be good judgment that was offered in the most sincere and earnest form, and against good logic, David chose to trust God to be his defense and defender. His answer was: “The LORD forbid that I should do this thing unto my master, the LORD’S anointed, to stretch forth mine hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD” (25:6 KJV). He kept his perspective.
No Biblically literate person will argue that in this circumstance this is the best response to give. It is the right course to take. If anyone tells you that’s easy to do, just smile and know for certain they are either naive or just woefully lacking in real-life experience and don’t know what they are talking about. No matter how difficult it is, however, we must “be strong in the Lord, and in the power of His might” (Eph. 6:10 KJV) to attain God’s higher standard, leaving the results in the capable hands of our very capable God.
4. He took responsibility for his action.
“And David arose and secretly cut off a corner of Saul’s robe” (24:4 NKJV). That act triggered a rush of guilt feelings. His conscience accused him. What an opportunity to say, “but it isn’t my fault. They made me do it. It was all these people yammering in my ears, telling me to do this and do that. I just couldn’t stand it. If they had kept quiet, left me alone, I would have been okay.” David didn’t do that. He did not blame his friends. He took responsibility for his actions. How easy it is when we are feeling guilty for something we have done to say, “Yeah, well, I really feel bad but it’s your fault! If you had left me alone I wouldn’t have done that.”
After Saul left the cave, David followed. “David also arose afterward, and went out of the cave, and cried after Saul, saying, My lord the king. And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed himself” (24:8 KJV).
5. He took a positive step to head off any possible misunderstanding by trying to clarify his motive.
This can prove very difficult. If someone perceives that what we said or did has hurt him or her, no amount of explaining may be adequate to set the record straight. If, however, our motive was not tainted by mean-spiritedness it may be worthwhile to seek an understanding and reconciliation. It may not work, and the only option left open to you is to do as David did—get up and leave (24:22). In other words, they all went back home, kissed the wife, hugged the kids and said, “what’s for supper? When is your mother leaving?” They went on with their lives.
David didn’t exactly make an apology or say, “I’m sorry for what I just did!” because he had not inflicted any harm upon the king. Nevertheless, he showed the “right spirit” when he bowed before the king, “Behold, this day thine eyes have seen how that the LORD had delivered thee to-day into mine hand in the cave: and some bade me kill thee: but mine eye spared thee; and I said, I will not put forth mine hand against my lord; for he is the LORD’S anointed” (24:10 KJV).
There are times when we will, quite by accident, do or say something that upsets another person. It is not premeditated. It is not planned. It is not intentional. It is an accident. Our actions have an unexpected, undesirable effect. Preachers are especially vulnerable. The very nature of their task, speaking to an audience of many people from week to week, creates an opportunity of saying something that offends.
While a public speaker, or anyone for that matter, should exercise as much care as possible, is it reasonable to expect that we can be aware of everyone’s individual idiosyncrasies, pet peeves, personal sensitivities, and sore spots? I don’t think so! None of us is gifted enough to foresee all possible repercussions of our words and actions. We may feel guilty but it is, in this case, without justification. And we need to tell ourselves that.
If we have wronged someone, apologize, make restitution, make amends (if possible) unless our attempts to repair damage might make the situation worse. Once an apology is made and we are determined not to do it again, what more can we do? Standing knee-deep in our guilt, punishing ourselves, dwelling on our mistakes just makes us more miserable and lowers our self-esteem further. Once again: do what David and his men did. Get up and GO HOME. Go on to the next chapter in your life.
(To be continued…. David’s Second Guilt Experience)
