Be There or Be nowhere- Part 2
Thesis: We need to Be There for our families because it is the greatest God given job we have and if we are not there then we are nowhere.
Text: I Timothy 5:8 “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
Proverbs 15: 27 “A greedy man brings trouble to his family, but he who hates bribes will live.”
Proverbs 31:10-31
Verse 10 - “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.”
Verse 15- “She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family…”
Verse 27- “ She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.”
Ephesians 6:1-3 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is right. Honor your father and mother-which is the first commandment with a promise-that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Colossians 3:20 “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.”
I Timothy 3:4 talks about an Overseer and his family, “He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.”
I Timothy 3:11, 12 refers to Deacons and their family, “In the same way, their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything. A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well.”
Introduction: All of the verses we just read talk about the importance of Being There for our families. The Scriptures referred to parents, grandparents, kids, teens, and even relatives. The Word places strong emphasis on Being There for our families so as to please the Lord. Swindoll states, “ Effective family life does not just happen; it’s the result of deliberate intention, determination, and practice” (13).
When we are there for our families we are promised that God will reward with leadership positions, with blessings, and with long life on the earth. But if we fall into “Spiritual deadness’ as we explored last week we then lose out on all that God has for us.
T.S,- So your sitting there saying “Yes, I want to be there but how?” Lets explore the “How?”
I. So how do we Be There for our families so that they are strong Godly families?
a. Gary Collins tells us how to do this in his book Family Shock: (The following is adapted from his book)
i. Be there and encourage family commitment. Nick Stinnet stated, ”Members of strong families are dedicated to promoting each other’s welfare and happiness. They value the unity of the family and are committed to one another and to the family group” (78).
1. Parents role-model for your kids this trait of family commitment. You keep the family commitment in proper order and demonstrate this to your kids.
a. Put the family commitment above others commitments.
i. Sports
ii. Extra-curricular activity.
iii. Other people
iv. Even church activity
v. Work
b. Teach your kids that family life is a commitment it’s more important than ministry, friends, and other things that may try to pull you apart.
i. I did not say that it’s more important than God. God is to be number one in our lives. Then second is our families. Third is our ministry. And fourth our job.
ii. Attend the kid’s plays, musicals and games.
iii. Be involved in their education.
iv. Do things with your kids and your spouse.
· Go on dates.
v. Make a commitment to be home for dinner every night.
vi. Limit extra curricular activities
· For your kids – teach them balance early in life.
c. Don’t run out on your kid’s.
i. What happens to homes when the father or mother flights and divorce occurs. Colson notes:
· Children in single parent families are six times more likely to be poor.
· Half the single mothers in the United States live below the poverty line.
· Children of divorce suffer intense grief.
· Children from disrupted families have more academic and behavior problems at school and are nearly twice as likely to drop out of school.
· Girls in single homes are at a greater risk for premarital sex and 3 times more likely to have a child out of wedlock.
· Crime and substance abuse are strongly linked to fatherless households.
· Studies show that 60% percent of rapists grew up in fatherless homes, as did 72% of adolescent murders and 70% of all long term prison inmates.
· Preschool children in stepfamilies, are forty times more likely to suffer physical abuse or sexual abuse.
· One third never recover from divorce.
· Children of divorce are more prone to illness, accidents, and suicide.
(Colson, 323)
2. Grandparents need to show family commitment.
a. By being there for the kids at birthdays and holidays and special days
b. By taking their Grand children out on special outings
c. By being a role-model to your Grand children
d. Use the teachable moments to teach and dialogue about God’s goodness
3. Relatives need to show family commitment
a. Be the relative from Heaven!
b. Be supportive of special family events
c. Use the telephone or e-mail to stay in contact
d. Your Christian influence will make a difference
i. Be the salt of your family.
4. Churches also need to show family commitment Collins notes, “Good churches often have well-planned programs to reach communities and to nurture and disciple believers within the local congregation. Sometimes, however, these programs are so numerous and so time consuming that people are pulled away from their families, often leaving children or spouses feeling neglected because a family member’s time commitment to the church leaves little for his or her family” (350).
a. There must be balance so the church and family both can be healthy.
b. The church needs to teach people to treat their families like a mission.
ii. Be there by showing respect even when you disagree
1. We must allow each other autonomy and freedom to be ourselves, and then we need to try not to get upset when our perspective differs from others.
a. Biblical principles must be enforced in love but individual characteristics traits are to be encouraged and they must be allowed to develop.
b. As a child grows under your guidance your job is to teach them. Then you are to let them start to apply what they have learned. They must be allowed the opportunity to spread their wings and be allowed to make decisions for themselves.
i. Hold them close when they are young. Always guard their dignity.
ii. Sometimes they fail but you pick them back up and help them learn through failure and then use the opportunity to give insight directed by the Lord. Then you have to let them try to fly again.
iii. When they become teens give more and more autonomy until they fly on their own.
c. The goal is to get them to fly on their own and as they learn to fly teach them how to listen to direction from the Holy Spirit.
2. As spouses we also need to do the same.
a. A healthy couple is characterized by mutual respect, support for one another.
b. They also need allow the other to share their thoughts and they need to sit and listen to their side.
c. We need to learn to fight fair and disagree with dignity.
d. A healthy couple is one who holds a servant mentality.
3. As grand parents show respect and be there for your kids even if you disagree.
a. Share how in my family they would not speak to each other for years.
i. Dad and Mark
ii. Grandma and Dad
iii. Grandma and Uncle Jim
iv. Grandma and Aunt Bea
4. As churches we should demonstrate how to role-model dealing with conflict with others.
a. Do we have a disagreement with another and then leave the church?
b. Do we decide to get even with the church and differing party?
c. Do we gossip and hurt the reputation of Jesus’ church?
d. Do we try to cause division and strife to get our way?
e. Do we follow Matthew 18 (read text verses 15-17and highlight)
15“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’£ 17If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
* Matthew 18 Principle
iii. Be there by taking family care giving seriously
1. Collins states, “Every parent knows that caring for children is demanding, time-consuming, and sometimes difficult. But healthy families dedicate themselves seriously to nurturing, protecting, supporting, helping, and instructing children, teaching them values, helping them accept authority, and giving them increasing autonomy as they get older” (87).
a. That means you need to Be There!
i. Literally – in their lives! Give them time.
ii. There is a myth out there that says, “Just give them quality of time not quantity!”
· Illustration: Quality and Quantity Time
During morning devotions with his two young daughters, our family friend, Bill Cage, realized he hadn’t been spending as much time with his girls as he wanted. After apologizing he said, “You know, it’s not always important the quantity of time we spend together, as it is the quality of time we spend together.” Kristen, 6 and Madison, 4, didn’t quite understand. Bill further explained, “Quantity means how much time, and quality means how good the time is we spend together. Which would you rather have?” Not missing a beat, Kristen replied, “Quality time. And a lot of it!”
a. Ephesians 5:16 states, “making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.”
· That is not true- They need you make the effort to Be There!
b. The biggest enemy of families is excessive busyness!
i. The absentee parent and spouse is found in our society all too much and that hurts kids and spouses and families.
2. Mothers need to take their job seriously.
a. Your kids are more important than your career!
b. Illustration “Managing The House.”
i. A beleaguered young mom went to an “Organizing Your Life” class. After hearing many organizing tips, she asked, “But how do you get your kids to help clean up? I have two young children, and it’s usually easier to just clean up myself. That way, I know where their things are, and they get put away right. But I feel frustrated about that.” Another woman in the class answered, “In our house, we use a Butler Box, he can’t just grab it out. He has to do five minutes of chores around the home to get the object back.” “What a clever idea!” the first woman said.” “How old were your children when you started that?” ”Children?” the second woman answered. “We don’t have any children. This is for my husband.”
3. Fathers need to take it seriously
a. Your kid’s and family are more important than your career!
4. Children, teens and adult children need to.
a. Does your mom need help?
b. Does your dad need help?
c. How about a relative?
5. Churches Need to take family care-giving seriously by:
a. Providing resources and support to families in need.
b. We need to teach on it and make it a priority.
iv. Be there by providing family structure
1. Collins notes, “…we’re seeing that families and societies unravel when there is no structure and no rules.”
a. He adds, ‘Healthy families have stability because they are organized, with clear responsibilities and guidelines that are consistent and predictable. In America we value freedom, but freedom is not the complete absence of restraint. We gain freedom through commitment, discipline, and self-control. The pianist who plays with ease and dexterity can do this because he or she has spent hours in disciplined practice. In a similar way, healthy families have a sense of freedom because they have established some guidelines for living” (90).
b. Parents need to give there family unit boundaries.
2. Churches can help this to happen by having seminars and classes on Biblical family structure.
a. Structure is of God – He places people in positions to direct and principles to live by.
v. Be there by being flexible
1. There is a balance here that is critical we must have balance between structure and flexibility.
2. A person who is flexible deals with life better because they are teachable and moldable.
3. A person who is flexible is one who is willing to die to himself or herself rather than have their way all the time.
4. Learn what battles are worth fighting.
5. Healthy families are families that bend with the storms of life like trees.
6. Churches also need to be flexible and adaptable to continue being effective in helping families
vi. Be there by making good communication a priority
1. Healthy families talk and communicate.
a. Stinnet states, “Strong families…have good communication skills and spend a lot of time talking with each other” (78).
b. Illustration of Miscommunication:
i. My farmer husband Larry isn’t a good bachelor. So whenever I’m gone over noon, I set the table and leave dinner in the oven. That was the case when I accepted a lunch invitation with former coworkers. I made sure everything was taken care of for Larry, including a scribbled note saying, “Dinner in oven.” Returning at 4p.m., I waved at Larry working outside, but he didn’t wave back. Guess he’s had a bad day, I thought. In the kitchen, the plot thickened. There were no dirty dishes, and the casserole was still in the oven. Only a sandwich that I intended to throw away was missing from the refrigerator. When Larry came in, I asked, “What did you have for dinner?” Silence. “Did you get my note?” “Sure did,” he replied gruffly.” It said, ‘Dinner is over!”
c. Study by Dolores Curran Traits of a Healthy family 1983
i. Communicate and listen
ii. Affirm and support one another
iii. Teach respect for others
iv. Develop a sense of trust
v. Have a sense of trust
vi. Have a sense of play and humor
vii. Share responsibility
viii. Have a sense of right and wrong
ix. Have a strong sense of family in which rituals and traditions abound
x. Have a balance of interaction among members
xi. Have a shared religious core
xii. Respect the privacy of one another
xiii. Value service to others
xiv. Foster family table time and conversation
xv. Share leisure time
xvi. Admit and seek help with problems
(Collins, 77)
2. Families who communicate effectively understand and empathize with each other.
a. They use the Steps method as described by Dr. Worthington:
i. S- situation described
ii. T-thoughts are expressed
iii. E-emotions are described
iv. P-plans are implemented to change the situation
v. S-statements are made that value each other
vii. Be there by building and developing family resources
1. This is accomplished by learning Biblical financial management and Godly stewardship.
2. This is accomplished through having a supportive church network.
3. This is also accomplished by having a network of friends and relatives who are supportive.
viii. Be there by knowing and living your faith in Jesus Christ
1. Collins states, “Families are healthier when family members are religiously committed.”
2. “ If you read history, you will find that the Christians who did the most for the present world were just those who thought the most of the next.” C.S. Lewis
3. I Corinthians tells us how to Be There in our faith by demonstrating the greatest trait:
The Holy Bible, New International Version
1 Corinthians 13:1 (NIV)
1If I speak in the tongues£ of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
1 Corinthians 13:2 (NIV)
2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:3 (NIV)
3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,£ but have not love, I gain nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:4 (NIV)
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)
5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:6 (NIV)
6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
1 Corinthians 13:7 (NIV)
7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
1 Corinthians 13:8 (NIV)
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
1 Corinthians 13:9 (NIV)
9For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
1 Corinthians 13:10 (NIV)
10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
1 Corinthians 13:11 (NIV)
11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
1 Corinthians 13:12 (NIV)
12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Conclusion:
The greatest job you have as parents is to raise your family for the Lord. So Be There!
The next greatest job you have is to Be There for the children of the world and for each other. So Be There!
Example: Conclusion of Mr. Holland’s Opus the movie – He discovered how many lives he touched and influenced by Being There.!
Read from Colsons book the two families and what they accomplished.
Jack and Rhodora Donahue today have 13 children and 75 grandchildren, and all are committed Christians. Some are clergy, some are involved in starting Christian schools, and most are active in lay ministries such as Young Life and Prison fellowship.
Johnathan Edwards and his wife Sarah reared 11 children; and by 1900, the family had 1,440 descendants, among them 13 College presidents, 65 professors, 100 lawyers, 30 judges, 66 physicians, and 80 prominent public officials, including 3 governors, 3 senators, and vice president of the United States.
Colson states, “If modern evangelicals hope to leave the same powerful legacy, we need to realize that the task of culture building requires a long-term commitment, and we must focus on nurturing godly families to influence future generations”(326).
Prayer: How many would like the Lord to give you the strength and wisdom to Be There?
