Singles and the Church
Selected Scriptures
Today we continue with our 3-part series on Singles. Last Sunday we looked at Singles and Marriage. Today, Singles and the Church. Next Sunday, Singles and Sex. These are not just for singles, but for everyone. So that we would value and share life with singles the way God intended.
In each message, I will begin with sensitivity training by reading an excerpt from Justin Holcomb's list of " Stupid Things People Say to Singles":
1. Put yourself out there.
2. If you just lost 20 pounds a guy would be able to see how wonderful you truly are.
3. God is trying to teach you something in this season. Once you learn it, he’ll bring you a spouse.
4. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’re next!
5. I have a friend who was 35 when she got married, there’s still hope for you too.
6. When you’re fully satisfied in God, then he’ll bring you a spouse.
7. You get to be married to Jesus. Just think of him as your husband.
8. Jesus and Paul were single on Valentines day, so you’re in good company.
9. I know you feel lonely and broken hearted, but Jesus literally had a broken heart, when they pierced it for your sins.
10. Loneliness is God’s way of drawing you to himself.
What makes these stupid sayings are the false assumptions: All singles want to or should get married. Marriage is equated with maturity; singleness is equated with immaturity. And married are more intimate with God than are singles.
According to the 2010 U.S. census, singles outnumber marrieds. This could be due to a variety of reasons: Singles are choosing to get married later or not at all. There is still a significant divorce rate in the U.S. adding to the single again population. How will the church respond?
Part of the solution is to strengthen marriage and family. But I believe part of the solution is to help singles to live fruitful lives in God's family, the church. As noted by Barry Danylak, who holds graduate degrees in Christian thoughts and biblical exegesis, "Islam, Judaism and Mormonism look to the book of Genesis for their value for marriage and family. [These religions provide no equal good news for single people.] Only Christianity [through the storyline and teachings of Jesus and Paul] affirms the value and goodness of singleness."
This morning we will look at ways the church can help singles flourish in God's family. These ways include understanding tensions, living together and making transitions. Let's look at each in detail.
First is understanding tensions. Proverbs 24:3 says, " By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established...." If it takes wisdom and understanding to build a house, how much more to build a home, a flourishing family of God.
What makes being single or relating to singles challenging is that there isn't one right answer to their desires or choices. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:1-2, "Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: 'It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.' But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband."
Married folks are set, at least our expectations of them. They don't have the freedom to go back and forth from married to single to married to single. Singles can go from, "I love being single and free!" to "Maybe she's the one?" in the blink of an eye. Or from, "God, I want to be holy." to "God will forgive me."
We need to understand that many singles wrestle with the tension for marriage and sexual relations. And God's family, the church need to first be honest and not hide from this struggle. Second, we need to echo Jesus' words to those caught in sexual immorality, "Neither do I condemn you. Go and sin no more." Third, we need to teach how to be and not just have to be holy. We'll talk more about singles and sex next week.
Another area of tension for singles is priority. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:32-34, "I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband."
This passage appears to point to the priority tension of marrieds who have to choose between pleasing God and pleasing spouse. In some way, it explains why marrieds could have a divided interest. And it gives singles no excuse to not be single-minded for the Lord. And because single Christians have no biblical justification to say "no" to serving God, they face a greater priority tension.
When God's family understands this tension, we will respect that singles do have a life outside of church. Social life. Caring for aging parents. Going to the gym. We need to encourage singles to practice self-care and spiritual feeding on top of serving in and through the church.
First is understanding tensions. Second is living together. When we live as God's family, there are various expectations. Here are three for us to consider: Commitment, service and growth.
In Matthew 19:12, Jesus talks about those who are singles involuntarily, by birth disabilities and by people-created circumstances. Jesus also mentions those who are singles voluntarily, by choice for the sake of the kingdom of heaven, where God is their King. To some degree, all Christian singles, whether for a season or for life, are involved in God's service.
Stanley Hauerwas, Professor of Theological Ethics at Duke Divinity School, says of Christian singles, ‘There can be no more radical act than [Christian singleness], as it is the clearest institutional expression that one’s future is not guaranteed by the family, but by the church. The church, the harbinger of the Kingdom of God is now the source of our primary loyalty.”
We who have family take for granted that when we are sick, a family member will drive us to the doctor or pick up our medications. Single Christians who are faithful to God and without family support should be able to count on the church or small group as family in their time of need. Just as eunuchs who serve the King can rely on the King's household to supply their needs, so single Christians who faithfully serve God can rely on God's family. Living together involves singles and marrieds committed to each other.
Another consideration for living together is service. Peter wrote in 1 Peter 4:10, "As each has received a gift [from God], use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace...."
When I was a new Christian, I met a man in church who was a gifted teacher. But he disqualified himself because he was divorced. I didn't know about Peter then, what he wrote as well as his past. If you remember Peter, he disowned Jesus three times. Yet Jesus forgave and restored him to serve as a leader in the church.
If Jesus could forgive and restore Peter, Jesus could forgive and restore anyone to serve. Whether you are not married, widowed or divorced, if you are a Christian, you have a gifting from God to serve others in God's family. Living together involves singles and marrieds serving together.
Another consideration for living together is growth. Paul wrote in Philippians 3:17, "Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us."
Christianity is not just made up of words. God did not just tell us He loves us; He came and demonstrated His love on the cross. Christians are to help each other grow not just with words, but by modeling the truths of God's words.
Christian husbands can model the love of Christ as they relate to their wife. Christian wives can model the trusting submission of the church as they relate to their husband. Christians singles can model the sufficiency of Jesus Christ as they live a life of purity. Living together involves singles and marrieds growing together.
For the church to help singles flourish, we need to understand tension, live together and make transitions. The church has been involved in helping singles transition to marriage through premarriage counseling and the wedding ceremony. And as the married couple become parents, we celebrate with family dedication and provide workshops and retreats to strengthen marriages and families.
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 7:36-38, "36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better."
Paul here says that the transition from singleness to marriage is okay. But making the transition from the desire for marriage to the choice of singleness is even better. So I believe both transitions, single to married and single to single for Christ deserves preparation and celebration by the church.
Another transition is from marriage to parenting. The Bible, even from the OT, praises singles and couples with infertility who raise up spiritual children. The NT term is make disciples for Jesus. Here is what we read from Isaiah 54:1 and 5, "Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married,” says the Lord....5 For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called."
Let me close with a story about a lady who wanted to marry four different men in her lifetime. She said each one would help her with the four things she needed most. First she wanted to marry a banker. Second, a movie star. Next, a pastor. And finally, a funeral director. When asked why, she answered, "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"
Single Christians who don't have a spouse, not to mention four spouses, can really benefit from the understanding, commitment and help of God's family, the church. To be single for Christ. Whether for a season or for a lifetime.
