You can listen to this sermon here:-
https://www.npbc.org.au/podcasts/media/2024-09-01-what-s-love-got-to-do-with-it
Ephesians 5:21-33
“What’s Love Got To Do With It?”
Message
With it being Father’s Day a text which speaks into the theme of such a day is Ephesians 5:21-33. It is a passage which focusses on marriage and relationships.
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body, of which He is the Saviour. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word, 27 and to present her to Himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – 30 for we are members of His body. 31 ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ 32 This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
These verses are written by God.
The God who put the first married couple on the earth – fully naked – and said “this is very good”.
The God who put a book in the Bible called Song of Songs – which is basically a book celebrating redeemed sensuality.
The God who saw the brokenness that sin brought to relationships – and so sent His Son so that relationships between husbands and wives can be redeemed.
This God inspired Paul to write these words to Scripturally and spiritually equip those who are married, or who are hoping to be married.
When these words are applied in a marriage then it will be the case that married couples can have relationships which are strong, safe, healthy, dynamic, respectful, blessed, serving, growing, honest, peace-filled, nurturing, forgiving, passionate, full-filling, communicating, faithful, relaxed, committed, exciting, sacrificial, and lasting till death do us part.
That’s the purpose of these verses.
That is the relationship all married couples can have when they, as a couple, live in obedience to these Scripture verses.
But here is the problem.
There are times when women and men read these verses and it doesn’t make them feel safe, or strong, or secure, or at peace, or excited … and all the other outcomes which these verses are intended to produce.
What can happen instead is that women and men read these words in Ephesians 5:21-33 and the result is … fear.
Not fear, as in the fear of the Lord which is the beginning of all wisdom.
But fear, as in being afraid, having anxiety, trepidation, apprehension and unease.
On one side there are fear-filled women and wives.
Why? Because of these words.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands
23 For the husband is the head of the wife
24 Wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Submission.
In this context the word “submit” means:- To voluntarily arrange under.
It is sad to say but obedience to submission has become a place of fear.
A wife who is just a door-mat and fears to have an opinion.
A woman who fears she will become nothing and completely loose her identity.
Wives who fear the next words of their authoritarian husbands.
It isn’t what God intended, but it is understandable why this fear arises.
Especially when these same verses have been used around a bed in a hospital where a woman lies with a black eye, a bruised face, and three broken ribs. Those around the bed are saying to her, you need to go back to your Christian wife-beating husband – that is what a wife who submits to her husband in everything is called to do.
Yes it is true that the call to submit is not conditional upon the loving response of her husband. However, her submission is obedience to the Lord, not obedience to the sinful demands of her husband. A man who beats his wife is a man who is making sinful, ungodly demands.
Ultimately, if submission is being applied in such a way that it results in fear-filled women, then somewhere along the line these verses are being applied in an unbiblical manner.
But it isn’t just wives who are fear-filled … it is also men. The cause of the fear is due to the fact that – in all these verses – there is actually only one command.
25 Husbands, love your wives,
33 Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself.
One command, repeated twice. Love your wife. Of all the things God could command men to do in their marriage relationship … the command is to love.
Give men something to do, or something to fix.
Give men something to change, or something to build.
Give men a problem to solve, or a situation that requires a logical answer.
Better still, give men a list with specifics.
Protect your wife and family.
Provide for their needs.
Make wise decisions.
Make sure you look after the yard.
Be home at a good time.
That would be a bit easier. But … no … the command is to love.
There are so many men and husbands who fear this command. Who fear they can’t do it. Love isn’t a natural “man-thing” is it. Well that is what society will tell us.
Indeed, we are at a point where many in society have given the impression that the love of men is so unimportant that having no man in the family is better than a man in the family. Afterall, men don’t know how to love like women know how to love – so get out of the way.
And men … and husbands … they find themselves agreeing.
It is harder for us to talk about feelings. Men do struggle to express emotions.
There are so many husbands I talk to who will say their biggest failure is that
… they don’t know how to love.
… they don’t show enough love.
… they are not even sure they are up to the task.
But here is the truth of these verses. If the command to love is resulting in a husband being fear-filled – this means these verses are also being applied in an unbiblical manner – and not in the way God intended.
When God wrote Ephesians 5:21-33 there were many responses and outcomes that these verses were expecting.
However, it was never God’s intention for these verses to create fear.
So let’s have a closer look at these verses and remove the fear.
Wives we start with you.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ,
so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:24
Grammatically these are parallel statements. See how the church submits to Christ … see how the church voluntarily arranges herself under Christ. Wives that is the paradigm you use.
When we have a close look at the relationship Jesus has with the church, we see a relationship where Jesus sacrifices, invites and commits.
Jesus sacrifices Himself for our sin.
Jesus invites us into a relationship, where He will deal with our sin.
Jesus makes a commitment to us, to hold us in that relationship for eternity, even when we continue to sin.
We see what Jesus has done, and we come in faith voluntarily submitting ourselves to Christ because of the sacrifice, invitation, and commitment.
With that example and with that understanding, so it is that wives should be submitting to their husbands. That's the paradigm we use. So, if we understand how these things work, we look to what it is that causes the church to submit to Christ, and then we will understand what it causes a wife to submit to her husband.
It comes back to what sort of man is she submitting to?
Is he the man that sacrifices and invites and commits?
You see, these words for men, they place a huge responsibility on males. Some men, not this man, but some man, they look at these verses and say, this is great. I can tell my wife, whatever I want. I can treat her however I want. I'm the man of the house. I'm the head of the family. I can do whatever I like. Well, kind of.
But is that Christ?
Is Christ in your relationship now?
Remember the dynamic. Submission is to voluntarily arrange ourselves unknown.
It's not a relationship that forced or demanded, it's not even commanded.
It's a relationship that comes about by grace through faith.
It's a relationship for those who are weary and burdened and whoever believed.
And just like it is possible for the church to voluntarily arrange themselves under Christ, so it is possible for a woman to voluntarily arrange herself under her husband.
But a lot of it comes down to the man. What sort of man is he? What sort of man will he be? How he will continue to live. So, there's a calling here, even there, for the man, isn't it?
To be the man of God that God calls him to be.
To live according to God’s plan.
What is not according to God’s plan is where the world says that submission is a place of inferiority, and unequalness, and weakness. Which causes a fight against submission.
Beyonce says “Who Runs the World … girls”
The Greek mumma will say, “The husband is the head of the family, but the wife is the neck – and she can turn the head any way she wants to.”
We are all very aware of submission gone wrong. And we know there are many families where men haven’t stood up … too many families where single mums or the effectively single mums … who are also Dads.
We get all that. But let’s also see that submission is such a high calling even Jesus submitted.
28 When He has done this … dying and rising from the dead … then the Son Himself will be made subject (be in submission) to Him (God) who put everything under Him (Jesus), so that God may be all in all.
1 Corinthians 15:28
Submission is such a high calling that that Jesus was obedient to that calling. When a wife lives in obedience to that calling, she doesn’t need to fear – even when she is in a very difficult relationship circumstance.
One such relationship circumstance is described in 1 Peter 3:1
1 Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives.
Wow. The call to submit is there when a husband doesn’t believe. Even in that situation. When a wife lives in obedience to the high calling to submission she doesn’t need to fear. That is what God wants us to see in these verses.
Now to the husbands. Let’s see how God removes the fear by going back to verse 25.
25 Husbands, love your wives,
just as Christ loved the church
Ephesians 5:25
Here is another parallel.
Your love to your wife is reflective of Christ’s love to the church.
To help us know what this looks like Paul gives us a list of love
Christ loved the church … and gave himself up for her
Ephesians 5:25
Love Is Sacrificial
A lot of us here, and we'll continue to have this conversation for those of you who are still learning, we want you to know about the sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. The love of Jesus Christ, which says that He voluntarily gave Himself up for us who were sinners, to go to a cross to pay the price of our sin, to take the wrath of God,
And having taken the wrath of God, He died. And then on the third day, He rose again victorious. And as a result of this sacrifice, He is able to bring into his family those who are bound by sin, who hold on to that sin, and who need to be released from that sin. It's all because of the sacrifice of Christ that the church is able to be what the church is able to be.
And then God through His Scripture says “OK, husbands, you look at that sacrifice, and that's what you've got to do for your wife.”
He puts himself last and his wife first.
He gives up his time, to give her time.
He gives his life for her …
… as he goes about his career.
… as he goes about his leisure.
… as he goes about allocating his time.
Loving his family with a selfless love that reflects the sacrifice made by Jesus.
Christ loved the church … to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.
Ephesians 5:26
Love Is One Woman Only
I have to say all of these verses could be sermons in themselves in understanding what Christ has done for us. But just in this one, it's talking about holiness and cleansing. And what it's telling us about, one aspect it's telling us, love is a one-woman-only thing. You see, this idea of holiness and cleansing ... it’s talking about the fact that Jesus has set the church apart.
And so the church is holy because Jesus looks at this church and He sets her apart. And there are places in Scripture where the church is called the Bride. How many brides? It's one. There's only one.
In the same way my bride, my wife, she is set apart from all of the other women in all of the world. There is no other woman for me than her. Just like for each of you men, there is only one woman for you. And so being a man who loves his wife means being committed to being a one-woman man.
Not focusing on another woman at work. You get on really well with, because you know, at home, my wife, she nags. But that lovely lady at work, she doesn't nag. But she is not the woman for you. You're a one woman man.
And that woman who tempts you by coming onto your screen and promising all sorts of fantasies to be fulfilled. You're a one woman man. She doesn't belong there. That's what love looks like. Loving Christ, your wife, as Christ loved the church.
Christ loved the Church … to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:27
Love Is Unconditional
The reality is that the church can be quite cantankerous and divisive – you just need to read 1 Corinthians, and Revelation 2 and 3 to see that.
The Corinthian church is divisive, and spiritually arrogant.
Revelation churches have lost their first love and are lukewarm.
The church can be wrinkly and blemished … quite cantankerous at times.
I wonder how many times Jesus should have said, “What is the use, I give up”.
Yet Jesus doesn’t.
The reality is that wives … are not always … not cantankerous.
And they can do things that would fall into the wrinkly and blemished category.
There are going to be days when marriage relationships are harder, and they need more work … and wives will be the cause of that work. Unconditional love means loving even in the more difficult times.
Staying committed even when “wrinkly” situations arise.
In a marriage relationship, there are going to be days when that relationship is harder and there will be days when the reason that relationship is harder is because the wife is not living according to how God wants her to live. And this passage is saying to you men, on those days when that happens, and it will, that you continue to love your wife as Christ loves the church.
And you continue to show that unconditional love, even when showing love is maybe not the easiest thing that you need to do at that particular point in time. Because your job as a husband is to raise up your wife and encourage her in her spiritual life. You see, part of the responsibility that God gives into this is the spiritual responsibility to lead the home.
Being the head of the house primarily is more of a spiritual responsibility than it is a position of power. The reality is, is that when the Lord comes back and He seeks to talk to you about how you led your family, He's not going to say to your wife, “Hey, did you do a good job spiritually leading the family?” He's going to point to the husband and He's going to ask “What were you doing?” “How were you leading?” And part of that is recognizing that the call of a husband, no matter what, is to show his Christ's love to his wife, which will mean forgiveness and grace and mercy and seeking to make her radiant and seeking to encourage her in holiness, even when those wrinkly situations arise.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church – 30 for we are members of His body.
Ephesians 5:28-30.
Love Is At Least Equal Measure
Is the love we show of such a nature that we give to our wives, that, which we give to ourselves as husbands.
The care we show ourselves. The “time out” we give ourselves.
The amount of resources we give to ourselves.
If I loved me, the same way that I love my wife, would I be saying I love my wife as myself – or would I fall short.
31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.
Ephesians 5:31
Love Is Unbreakable
Paul here is quoting Genesis 2:24.
Right from the beginning of creation, before sin came into the world, God’s intention for marriage was for one man and one woman to leave their parents’ homes and be joined together in a life-long marriage, thus becoming one flesh.
Love in marriage is not primarily a feeling.
Love in marriage is primarily a choice … a deliberate promise to commit.
By quoting this verse Paul is reminding every person from the day six of creation to today that this is always God’s intention for marriage.
No matter what culture. No matter what time in history. No matter what society says.
So to all the men who wanted a list … here is the list
Love Is Sacrificial
Love Is One Woman Only
Love Is Unconditional
Love Is At Least Equal Measure
Love Is Unbreakable
Loving as Christ loved the Church.
When husbands love in this way – they don’t have to fear.
Husbands. Wives. Men. Women.
How do we remove the fear? We focus on the two parallels in these verses.
As the church submits to Christ, so wives submit to their husbands
Just as Christ loved the church, so husbands love your wives.
This is God’s plan for marriage … and when couples live in obedience … it will bring about marriages that are strong, safe, healthy, dynamic, respectful, blessed, serving, growing, honest, peace-filled, nurturing, forgiving, passionate, full-filling, communicating, faithful, relaxed, committed, exciting, sacrificial, and lasting till death do us part.
Such relationships are completely possible. But it will only happen when we see the key component.
Women look to Christ and how the church submits to Christ … then submit to your husband.
Husbands look to how Christ loved the church … then love your wife.
The key component is both husband and wife always start by looking to Christ. Look to Christ first, then build your marriage.
That is the plan.
The moment we stop looking to Christ first it is then that marriages start to get into difficulty.
It could be that we are looking to ourselves first.
I want to hang out with my mates. I have my job and it is important. I need my “me” time. I am not happy. I am not fulfilled. I am tired of giving. What about me … it isn’t fair.
Looking to ourselves first is not the plan – it reverses the plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
It could be that we are looking to other wives and other husbands first.
Look at the way Roger treats his wife … Steve never gives me flowers.
Margaret always has her house clean … Jacinta never gets anything done.
We look at the life of others and compare and contrast – completely neglecting the fact that maybe Roger had to give flowers because his wife always made him feel like he is never good enough, or that Jacinta always has a clean house because her husband is a control freak.
Looking to others first is not the plan – it reverses the plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
It could be that we look to those who are unmarried first.
Look at them, they don’t have anyone telling them what to do.
Wouldn’t it be great to have so much peace and quiet.
To be your own boss and set your own time.
That is the space of temptation isn’t it. Regret
Giving up.
Putting our minds in a place where we kind of have already moved on.
Looking to be in that place of not married – totally the reverse of God’s plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
Maybe we are looking to our own wives and husbands first. Which sounds like a good thing … except when it is not.
If we expect our wives or husbands to fulfil all our needs, and all our expectations, and carry all our emotional baggage.
If we look to our wives and husbands for status, and identity, and confirmation, and value.
If we do that as a first move … well they can’t meet these expectations. No one can.
Looking to our spouses first is not the plan – it reverses the plan.
We need to look first to Christ. So we can submit and we can love.
Why do marriage relationships break?
One reason, and often a significant reason, is that somewhere, at some point, one or both of the spouses has persistently NOT looked to Christ first. They have persistently looked somewhere else first.
So today … as we think about marriage relationships … and what God intended them to be like. Certainly, what He did not intend them to look like.
As we think about this it is good to ask ourselves this questions. In our relationship are we persistently looking to Christ first?
Or are we persistently looking somewhere else first
Looking to Christ first – takes away the fear.
Looking somewhere other than to Christ – that’s when fear can take hold.
It was never God’s intention for these words in Ephesians 5:21-33 to create fear.
So, if there is fear.
Husbands and wives … if there is fear.
Then there is something in the marriage relationship which God never intended to be there.
In that case … stop looking elsewhere first … and persistently look to Christ first.
And then see His purposes for your relationship working out in extra-ordinary and amazingly blessed ways.
Prayer
