We read in Ecclesiastes 4:9, “Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively.” (GNB)
The counsel that we receive from the word of God as mentioned in the above verse, is that two are far better than one, as together they can work far more efficiently on any given task. Some may be led to believe from their experience that is it good to be single, but the word of God is clear cut, that it is extremely beneficial for us to function as a couple, rather than do so all alone.
I sent this verse to a husband who was facing marital problems, and this was the reply I received back from him. He quoted to me, Proverbs 21:19, which says, “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelling and angry woman.” (GW) This is just a misunderstanding of the scriptures, as one has to comprehend God’s instruction for marriage in its totality as God intended it to be understood.
In many families the problem is that they are trying to find a solution for their marital disputes outside of the word of God, imagining that they can overcome all the difficulties they encounter on their own. This is an impossibility, as it is only when our families are built on the word of God that they will prosper, and live in unison as God determined for us.
Reminisce on your days as newly weds
Almost every couple who are married can recapture those initial days as a newly wedded couple, the intensity of love they had for each other, the intimate talks, happy moments and vows they made to stand by each other, no matter what. However, sadly as time goes by, in many couples these feelings for each other lessens. The word of God gives us some practical instructions as to how a husband and wife can repossess that first love that they had for each other.
Jacob’s love for Rachel
In Genesis 29:15, we read, “Laban said to Jacob, "You shouldn't work for me for nothing just because you are my relative. How much pay do you want?" (GNB)
We read in Genesis 29:18, “Jacob was in love with Rachel, so he said, "I will work seven years for you, if you will let me marry Rachel." (GNB)
Jacob was in love with Laban’s younger daughter Rachel. His love for Rachel was so intense that when Laban asked Jacob what would be the wage he expected for working for him, Jacob told Laban that he was willing to work for him for seven long years, so he could marry Rachel.
We read in Genesis 29:20, “Jacob worked seven years so that he could have Rachel, and the time seemed like only a few days to him, because he loved her.” (GNB)
Jacob was so much in love with Rachel that those seven years seemed only like a few days to him.
For most of us our marriages began exactly like how it did for Jacob and Rachel. We too had deep love for each other, but as the years go by, we begin to find fault with each other and gradually our love for each other dwindles. The enemy in his cunning is targeting families, bringing about division and breaking down marriages, because he is fully aware that when marriages break down, families disintegrate, and this leads to the collapse of society. Satan is fighting against the institution of marriage only because it is ordained by God, and all that God considers good, the enemy is all out to destroy.
At the beginning of creation in the Garden of Eden, God gave man and woman the liberty to eat of all of the fruits from all the trees in the Garden except one. Have you noticed how from the inception of creation when God forbade man to eat the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for his own good, Satan craftily entered and deceived them into believing that there was nothing bad about it. The consequence of their disobedience finally turned out for the detriment of all mankind.
When God says that marriage is good, the enemy is propagating the opposite. Someone said marriage is like being in a cage, those who are outside want to get in, and those who are in are wanting to escape. This is a misunderstanding of marriage, simply because many have not understood marriage from God’s perspective, and also have not comprehended what was God’s purpose for instituting marriage.
I would like to ask a question to all parents. How many of you feel my children should have a marriage just like yours, and how many of you feel my children should never ever have a marriage like yours? For those who feel such regret in their marriage, it is important that they decide to set things right, or what could happen is that the same scenario will repeat in the life of their children.
The word of God likens the relationship between a husband and wife to that between Christ and the church. Just imagine if each husband thought of himself as Christ and his wife as the church how wonderful it would be, and that’s exactly the way God expects us to love each other. The admonition of Christ to the church is therefore that they have forsaken their first love. God wants us to get back to that place where we could love, be patient, forbearing with our spouse, and work towards growing that love we have for each other.
Have you observed newly married couples, and those who have been married for many years? Most often it is very easy to spot the difference. A newly wedded couple are so engrossed and in love with each other, whereas the ones married for some years often won’t even walk beside each other or have meaningful conversations with each other. The reason for this is that over a period of time, they have allowed several things to create a distance between them, and have probably given the priority that they had once given to their spouse, to someone else or something else.
How does one get back to their first love?
Make your husband / wife the number one priority next to God in your life
In Mark 10:8-9, we read, “And the two people will become one.' So they are no longer two, but one. God has joined them together, so no one should separate them." (ERV)
The Lord strongly is opposed to divorce. When the Pharisees asked Jesus if it was permissible for a man to divorce his wife, this was Jesus’ reply as found in the above mentioned verses. Jesus reinforced the truth that a married couple are no longer two but one flesh, and therefore was categorical that no one should separate a husband and wife whom God has joined together in marriage.
In this relationship between husband and wife even children should not come in between them to cause division. A great example of this from the Bible is the family of Isaac and Rebekah. They had two children Esau and Jacob. While Isaac favored Esau, Rebekah loved Jacob. By showing favoritism to their children, they created trouble and disunity in the family.
We read in Genesis 26:35, “They made life miserable for Isaac and Rebecca.” (GNB) This problem carried on to the next generation and Esau married foreign women who brought much misery to Isaac and Rebekah.
In many families husbands and wives argue in the presence of their children, and often the children start to interfere and take sides. When spouses have difference of opinion, it is wise to sort out their differences in private, rather than in front of their children. When children analyze the differences they often try to use them for their own benefit and turn Dad against Mom or vice versa. If a husband and wife don’t function as one, family life will become an ordeal and a burden.
Most couples will never accept the fact that there are differences between them, and would rather like to pretend that all is good. But here are some indicators that that imply that the husband or wife are not happy in that marriage. Let me mention some danger signs to watch out for in a marriage.
If a husband or wife says, ‘I am only living for the sake of my children’ they are indirectly meaning that their spouse doesn’t really matter to them. They do not like to be seen together in public, and even while travelling the spouse prefers to take the back seat in a car. They do not feel comfortable to share the good or bad (worries or concerns) with their spouse, and prefer to share it with outsiders. Often even the good news reaches the spouse through a third party. There is also a lack of communication between husband and wife, so that even important information is shared first with their parents or friends and only lastly to their spouse. They are others who are overly attached to their pets, neglect their families indicating that there is a lack of love and intimacy in their marriage.
How can we set things right in our marriage?
1. Forgive and forget each other’s faults
In Luke 23:34, we read Jesus said, "Forgive them, Father! They don't know what they are doing." (GNB)
We also read in Psalm 103:10, “He does not punish us as we deserve or repay us according to our sins and wrongs.” (GNB)
Firstly, to get back to the first love we had for our spouse, and for our family to get back to where God purposed for us to be, we must learn to forgive each another. When there is any conflict, most often spouses bring up every single issue from the past. This happens only because we have not truly forgiven our spouse as we should. If we do not forgive and forget from our heart, our marriages will never be joy filled, but a burden to bear.
Our best example for forgiveness is Jesus Himself. Just think about our relationship with God and for a moment imagine that every time we did wrong and went to the Lord seeking forgiveness from Him, and He chose not to forgive us, but kept reminding us of our sins, can you imagine our plight? Instead, we have a gracious God who not only forgives us, but also never brings back to remembrance our sins or iniquities ever.
Let us make a decision, that we will never bring up in our arguments the things about each other’s faults and failings from the past, but genuinely forgive each other from our hearts. If we are constantly finding fault, we become the children of the devil, whose only job is to find fault, and is rightly referred to as the accuser of the brethren. There may be deep hurts from the past, it may even sound impractical to many, but the Lord reminds us that a husband and wife are one flesh, which implies that when there is a problem in either one, we have to set it right and let go of it.
The Lord desires that we should be just like Him, and extend the same forgiveness to our spouse, the exact same way we receive forgiveness from the Lord. When they brought a woman caught in the act of adultery, Jesus did not condemn her in any way, but in grace extended His forgiveness to such a woman. When the disciples of Jesus asked Him how many times should we forgive our brother who sins, up to seven times, Jesus clarified and said not seven times, but seventy times seven, meaning there is no limit to forgiveness.
Many couples are having a superficial relationship with each other, putting up with each other for the sake of society. May we truly desire that the Lord will restore back to our marriages that first love making our marriage relationship meaningful and joyful as God destined it to be, and the fundamental aspect for this to become a reality is to be willing to forgive each other.
I was returning home one night at around 12 O’clock after our night prayer when I saw a man walking around with shorts and T shirt apparently looking for a shop that was open. As it was very cold in Ooty, I stopped over to ask him what he wanted to buy in the middle of the night, and he told me that he was trying to buy some coca-cola for his wife. Then I found out that he was newly married, and he was bound on getting that drink for his wife no matter what.
It is a dismal thought that instead of love increasing in a marriage with years, love decreases and often grows cold between husband and wife. No husband or wife is perfect, we all have faults and a happy marriage is possible only when there is a willingness to bear with one another, forgive and forget each other’s faults.
2. Listen to each other’s point of view
We read in James 1:19, “Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (GNB)
God does everything with a purpose. If God created us with two ears, and one mouth that is because in His wisdom He knew that we should use our ears twice as much as we use our mouth. Sadly, many use their mouth to a far greater extent than their ears. In a marriage relationship, when there is a problem, we are reminded to be quick to listen. We must give our spouse the time to share what is on their heart, and try to understand things from their point of view. We usually get upset and angry, but the Lord admonishes us to listen intently and be slow in our retorts. We must speak to each other with the same love and respect we had when we first got married, and learn to control our anger. Often the one who is at fault will be angrier, only because they want to cover up their wrong.
Two friends were walking in the park and one of them said I can easily identify who is married and who is not among the couples who are here. When the friend asked how this was possible he said, observe all the couples in the park. If the man is talking and the woman is listening, they are not married, but if they woman is talking and the man is listening, then they are married. May sound funny, but often after marriage spouses stop listening to each other, and that is what creates a break in communication.
3. Control your anger
We read in Ephesians 4:26, “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, (NKJV)
Sometimes I have heard a spouse say that they are unable to control their anger because of what the other person does. Just imagine if at the time when there is a heated argument at home, there is a call from the pastor or an outsider, one of them would immediately attend the phone, and speak very sweetly to him. It is therefore not true that one cannot control their anger, but it is just that we have learnt to justify ourselves, and feel we have the right to vent our anger at home. As children of God we can control our anger and our words, because God has given us a Spirit of self-control.
We must constantly remind ourselves that the relationship between husband and wife must have the same sanctity that is there between Christ and the church. When God created Eve, she was made beautiful. He created her from Adam’s rib to signify that they are created to be equal. Our wife is God’s companion made for us, and the next time we are tempted to be angry with each other we must control ourselves.
The Lord admonishes us to be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to be angry. Even if a husband is the head of a company and has loads of responsibilities outside, the Lord has entrusted every husband to take care of the needs of his wife at home, and fulfil the marital duties to his wife.
If we don’t take the effort to complement our spouse and say nice things to them, there will be others outside who will do that, and make them feel special. When a spouse doesn’t get the needed appreciation they should at home, they will look for it elsewhere, and when they find it, this will lead to many other complications. Instead of blaming each other, let us introspect, set things right in our own lives, and do our best to fulfil our responsibilities to our spouse.
4. Speak to one another with love
We read in 1 Peter 4:8, Above all, keep your love for one another constant, for “love covers a multitude of sins.” (TLV)
The word admonishes that above everything else we should be constant in our love for one another. When there is a fault in our spouse, we must never make the mistake of sharing it with a third person, no matter who they are. When we do so, problems will escalate in the marriage relationship.
A wife had a problem with her husband and so she called her mother-in-law and told her that her son’s anger was out of control. Immediately the mother-in-law responded, ‘what did you do to make my son so angry’, I know my son very well. The problem now escalated further, and became more complicated, because of the opinion of a third person.
If there is a conflict between husband and wife we should learn to sit down, discuss the issue and try to find a solution. There is nothing that cannot be sorted out with God’s help, and He desires that we get back to our first love, and renew our relationship that we had at the beginning of our marriage.
5. Avoid words and actions that irritate each other
We read in Galatians 5:26, “We must not be proud or irritate one another or be jealous of one another.” (GNB)
We are quite aware of what things will hurt our spouse, and what will make them angry. Instead of adding fuel to the fire, we must learn to put it out at once, and not say or do those things that will irritate our spouse or make them angry and upset. Let us learn to be humble in our relationships and sensitive to each other’s feelings.
May our marriages reflect the relationship that is there between Christ and the church. Let us remind ourselves again of the verse from Ecclesiastes 4:9, “Two are better off than one, because together they can work more effectively.” (GNB) The kind of husbands and wives we are will be one day reflected in our children when they have their own families. Let us decide to set things right and be an example to our children. May our families be blessed by God, and let us ask God to set our families in order. Let the peace of God rule in our families and may we return back to our first love, and love one another as was designed for us by the Lord.
Rev. F. Andrew Dixon
www.goodnewsfriends.net
Transcribed by: Sis. Esther Collins
