Myths Christians Often Believe
I COULD NEVER FORGIVE THAT PERSON
Introduction
Forgiving other people is a highly personal subject - most of the things that we struggle with forgiving are painful.
We have likely heard stories of people who forgave someone who hurt them deeply and it captures our attention. It might be a challenge for us to wonder if we could offer that kind of forgiveness? And for many people there is no wondering - they know from experience it is a struggle.
Forgiving others is also a significant health issue. Even non-religious sources tell us how important forgiveness is.
Mayo Clinic says that Forgiveness can lead to:
-Healthier relationships
-Improved mental health
-Less anxiety, stress and hostility
-Fewer symptoms of depression.
-Lower blood pressure; A stronger immune system.
-Improved heart health and Improved self-esteem.
So, forgiveness is a very human struggle, a significant health issue, and it is also a very biblical subject.
Matthew 6:14-15 NLT “If you forgive those who sin against you, our heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
That powerful statement tells us how God values forgiving others. Anne Lamont: “I really believe that earth is forgiveness school … To forgive someone is the hardest work we do”. There are several lies / myths that surround the subject of forgiveness and working through those might help us.
Let’s think through several myths about forgiveness that Christians sometimes believe.
1. Forgiveness Means You Have to Forget.
Pruitt: “Unfortunately, this is completely unrealistic for most people and most situations. …Memories are very real,
especially if they wrapped in hurt and letdowns. They may always be there.”
God has the ability to forget, to remove our sins and not keep them attached to us - but that may be a Divine ability we do not have.
Psalm 103:12 “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.”
Psalm 25:7 “Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord.”
We are so grateful that God forgives and forgets - but the truth is that we may never be able to forget. Still, by God’s grace we can still choose to forgive. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a permanent attitude.”
2. Forgiveness Means You’re Condoning the Actions of Others.
This may be one of the biggest reasons we have a hard time forgiving. It doesn’t seem fair. Boa: “To forgive others means to release them from any obligation to make up to you what they have taken from you.” Lewis Smedes: “When you release the wrongdoer from the wrong, you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life.
You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself.”
Forgiveness is not condoning the actions of others, it is an act of faith that “means that we are releasing the right to resentment and that we entrust justice to God rather than seek it ourselves….it can be a lengthy process” (Boa)
Romans 12:19 ESV Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
There is only room for one judge - and that is the perfect God who judges everything perfectly.
3. Forgiveness Means You Have to be a Doormat
This is the fear that we will be hurt over and over again. Pruitt: “Forgiveness means I’m going to protect myself and free myself from others by not carrying with me the bitterness caused by them. This gives … Christians permission to be strong and assertive when they need to, while still having a forgiving heart.”
1 Corinthians 16:13 NIV “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.” These encouragements remind us to be watchful in our life, to live responsibly and to grow in our strength.
There is nothing about forgiveness that encourages us to remain in danger, submit to untruths, nor continue to allow others to act in ungodly ways toward us.
Matthew 10:16 “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”
4. Forgiveness Is Easy.
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things we can do, and we really cannot do it on our own power.
Ephesians 4:32 “…Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Victory in this area will come from obedience to God, not from a reaction to other people’s actions - they may or may not say that they are sorry, they may or may not change their lives. It’s not easy to turn it over to God, but we must, for our sakes.
Conclusion
Four Myths we talked about in this message:
Forgiveness means you have to forget
Forgiveness means you are condoning the actions of others
Forgiveness means you have to remain a doormat
Forgiveness is easy.
Believing any of those will make it difficult if not impossible to forgive others.
Boa: “Ask the Lord to show you any areas of unforgiveness, and ask for his grace and enabling to forgive yourself and others.”
Our ability to forgive is directly connected to the forgiveness we receive from God.
We can love others because He first loved us.
We are able to extend grace to others because He first extended grace toward us.
We can extend mercy to those around us because He has been merciful toward us.
We can forgive because we have been forgiven.
Ultimately, forgiveness is an act of faith in a God who can and will do what we cannot do on our own.
Discussion Questions
1. Of the four myths of forgiveness in this message, which is the one that seems most powerful to you? Why do you think these myths developed and became accepted to many?
2. How can the realization of how much we have been forgiven by God help fuel our ability and willingness to forgive someone?
3. Why is refusing to forgive a price that is way too high for any true Christian to pay?
4. Author Philip Yancey wrote: “By forgiving another, I am simply trusting that God is a better justice maker than I am. By forgiving, I leave issues of fairness for God to work out. I defer to him the scales of justice. Wrong does not disappear when I forgive. But it loses its grip on me and is taken over by God. He knows what to do.” Why is it hard to trust God to bring about justice? What other thoughts does this quote spark?
5. Consider the following verses. Search for principles that can be applied to forgiving. Share with the group your thoughts on how they might help one be a more forgiving person.
- Luke 23:34
- Colossians 3:13
- 1 Peter 4:10-11
- 2 Peter 1:2-4
6. Kenneth Boa suggests writing down the names of the people you need to forgive, why, and praying for each one of them. Then throwing away the paper to symbolize letting go of the offense. Can you think of other practical ways to enact forgiveness?
7. What else would you like to talk about in regard to forgiveness?
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Resources
Boa, Kenneth. Conformed to His Image, Revised Ed. Zondervan, 2020.
Kelly, Michael. The Difficulty of Forgiveness.
https://rightfromtheheart.org/devotions/the-difficulty-of-forgiveness/
Krejcir, Richard H. The Problem of Not Forgiving
http://www.discipleshiptools.org/apps/articles/default.asp
Mattek, Jeremy. Am I Supposed to Forgive and Forget?
8 minute YouTube Video https://youtu.be/JE0JfuhkfuA
Mayo Clinic Staff. Forgivenes: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
Pruitt, Shane. 9 Common Lies Christians Believe. Multnomah, 2019.
