OUTLINE
FAMILY MATTERS Part 3
May 28, 2023 - Memorial Day Weekend
Dr. Tom Bartlett
HEALTHY CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Marital conflict areas: (next week)
Communication
Sex
Money
Children
Inlaws
BIBLICAL STEPS TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Ephesians 4:29–5:2 (NIV) 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 5:1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
CONFLICT HAPPENS WHEN WE
USE POOR WORD CHOICES
Ephesians 4:29a (NIV) “ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths. . .”
“Unwholesome” rotten, life-taking
Proverbs 15:4 (ESV) A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
DON’T USE GOOD WORDS
Ephesians 4:29b (NIV) “. . . but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
“Helpful” to establish and support
Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
FORGET HOW WE MAKE GOD FEEL
Ephesians 4:30 (NIV) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
“Grieve” to feel sorrow
HAVEN’T ADDRESSED OUR OWN ISSUES
Ephesians 4:31 (NIV) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”
Bitterness - envious and resentful
Rage and anger - out-of-control fury
Brawling and slander - vile shouting, harmful accusations
Malice - wickedness with hostility
HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT FORGIVENESS
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
“Compassionate” - a choice of how to respond
Truth - one of the most compassionate things we can do is to listen to one another
James 1:19 (NIV) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
OUR CONFLICT SOLUTION IS TO
LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY LIKE GOD
Ephesians 5:1-2a (NIV) “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love. . .”
Proverbs 16:7 (NIV) When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
LIVE SACRIFICIALLY JUST LIKE CHRIST
Ephesians 5:2b (NIV) “. . . just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV) God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Next Step - In order to have a healthy relationship, I will seek to personally love like God and live sacrificially like Jesus
MANUSCRIPT
FAMILY MATTERS Part 3
May 28, 2023 - Memorial Day Weekend
Dr. Tom Bartlett
HEALTHY CONFLICT RESOLUTION
ME
Good morning, and welcome to our memorial day weekend service. My name is Tom Bartlett and I’m a pastor here at Celebration Church.
I’d like to throw out a special word of thanks to our mission team who served in KY last weekend and for the special Mission Market next Saturday here at the church. You can order your chicken or BBQ plate online as I’ve already done. We will have vendors offering their items, music, and more while we raise funds for our India Church Building.
—-----------------------
My wife Carla and I have been married for 19 wonderful years, well, actually we’ve been married for 28 years but only 19 have been wonderful!! (lol)
As I look back to the major blowups we’ve had, they simply boil down to a few issues, a lack of understanding which stems from communication problems and the other is unresolved issues from our own past.
If you were never in a serious relationship there are many quirks about you that would never have been known or addressed in your life. Relationships help us understand, we’re not perfect!
WE
Can you agree with that? You’re not perfect.
[Joke] It reminds me of the lady who said she married Mr. Right! After they were married she realized his first name was “always”.
Now, we’re in a series called, Family Matters” and today we will be looking at relational health and next week we will deal with the typical problem areas in marriage,
Marital conflict areas: [next week]
Briefly, they are,
Communication
Sex
Money
Children
Inlaws
Today we will focus on what the Bible and God’s instructions to us say about deep interpersonal relationships. This could be applied to friendships and most definitely in the context of Ephesians 4 and 5, marriage.
GOD
In Ephesians 4 in the first section, Paul focuses on unity among Christ's followers and then in the latter verses on the “new life” we have in Christ.
Ephesians 4:13 “Until we all come to the unity of faith…”
He has made you new by empowering you to a new way of life through tremendous unity, which is an agreed-upon purpose and calling! He ends chapter 4 and begins chapter 5 with words setting up the marriage relationship.
BIBLICAL STEPS TO CONFLICT RESOLUTION
Ephesians 4:29–5:2 (NIV) 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 5:1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Now, a thousand years before Paul lived to write Ephesians, Solomon said these words.
Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
As we will see, much of the source of our relational issues comes from the words we say or do not say, or the way that we say them. Now, based on Paul's writings in Ephesians let’s talk about the causes of disunity, or relational conflict.
CONFLICT HAPPENS WHEN WE
USE POOR WORD CHOICES
Ephesians 4:29a (NIV) “ Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths. . .”
This verse is often used to point out that foul language and colorful 4-letter words should not be used. I can agree with that but in the context of unity and relationships, the deeper meaning is about words that are not life-giving but life-taking.
Words that depress, discourage, and degrade.
Literally “Unwholesome” means rotten, life-taking
The picture is that of a fruit that has rotted and is now affecting the other fruit around it.
[ILLUSTRATION]
We brought back some oranges from Florida one time and found that one of them had gone bad. Every orange that was around or touching it, was starting to go bad too. Your words have power and in the same way, unwholesome words, and rotten words cause your relationships to decay.
Unwholesome talk creates the same atmosphere in relationships as rotten fruit in a basket. Paul says, don’t do it.
Solomon's words concerning what your mouth produces, in the same way,
pictures fruit,
Proverbs 15:4 (ESV) A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.
Gentle words are life-giving. The Hebrew here for gentle is the same word outcome in the Greek text “wholesome”.
So, we have conflict when our words are chosen poorly and we have conflict when we,
CONFLICT HAPPENS WHEN WE
DON’T USE GOOD WORDS
Ephesians 4:29b (NIV) “. . . but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Some people may not use poorly chosen words, but the question is, do they use words that give life and build up?
Paul says instead of life-taking, demeaning words, look to use words that are helpful.
“Helpful” to establish and support
Here are some good words, “Please”, “thank you”, and the big ones, “I’m
Sorry, I was wrong”! Or words such as, “I believe in you”, you’re gonna make it!”
This is what builds people up. This literally is an act of encouragement. To place courage in another.
A great coach or workout partner does this for others. They shout affirming words, “Yes you can,” “You’ve got this!”
[ILLUSTRATION] Usain Bolt, eight-time Olympic gold medallist, admitted that “there is times when you want to doubt yourself, but the coach is always there to say, ‘Do not worry, I know what I can do to make you run faster, and what you need to do to go faster”’
Solomon said it this way. . .
Proverbs 18:21 (NIV) The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.
We’re hurting our relationships and chances of reconciliation simply because we do not control our mouths.
I heard a famous Christian teacher once say that “anger control is mouth control.” If you can control your mouth, you can control your anger. Now we will talk more about God’s intervention in this in a moment but you must yield to Him.
Not only is our words hurting the situation, but we also fail to remember that God is part of our relationships as Christ's followers.
CONFLICT HAPPENS WHEN WE
FORGET HOW WE MAKE GOD FEEL
Ephesians 4:30 (NIV) And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.
As a parent, you understand what it’s like when your children don’t get along. It hurts you. And that’s exactly how God feels too. When He sees His children not getting along or tearing each other down, it grieves Him.
Now, we all know what grieving is. It happens when we lose something or someone. People grieve when their parents or spouse or friend dies. In the same way, God grieves when He sees your relationships needlessly die. It creates sorrow for Him.
“Grieve” to feel sorrow
Here, the children of God should be loving each other and they are hurting each other.
When two people are in love with Christ, there’s nothing they can’t overcome.
CONFLICT HAPPENS WHEN WE
HAVEN’T ADDRESSED OUR OWN ISSUES
Ephesians 4:31 (NIV) Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.”
Now, as I started today, this for me and my wife has been a very big issue. BTW - it’s why you need premarital counsel. Many of these issues can be addressed and dealt with in moments before marriage and take a lifetime after.
When we are young, we tend to get hurt because of our willing trust in people. We make poor choices, and we hold regrets and hurts. In time those seemingly innocent things manifest in actions and attitudes and become the very things that destroy our relationships.
Paul mentions several and says, “Get rid of them”. How do you get rid of something? In the Greek, the idea is that of withdrawing from a bank. If your emotional account is full of this stuff, then you do not have room for the emotions that cause relational excellence.
Bitterness - envious and resentful
Bitterness comes from past negative experiences or perceptions. We suffer things and don’t deal with them, and then the focus turns to those who seemingly had better circumstances. Why did my life turn out like this and theirs didn’t?
Rage and anger - out-of-control fury
Rage is an out-of-control emotion. We see it all the time in road rage. A seemingly nice person with unresolved issues of life or the day does crazy things with their car.
There’s a reason “Danger” and “Anger” or only one letter apart!
Sometimes we play and replay in our mind things that happened and our emotions can take over and send us into a blind rage. Not because your friend or marital partner is the worst person in the world, but because the battle is the issue at hand and all the resentment and unresolved issues in your life too. That’s not fair to them or even you.
Brawling and slander - vile shouting, harmful accusations
I’m not saying that there’s not an issue and all of your problems are because of your past, but I am saying there’s a difference between living with a glass half full and one that’s empty of debris from unresolved issues.
[ILLUSTRATION] Two glasses and a pitcher of water. Fill one glass halfway and keep the other empty. Now suppose there’s an issue, pour water as if things are heating up. The glass that is half full will spill over long before the one that is empty.
When Paul says “Get rid” - he’s saying, remove the built-up negative equity in your life. If you don’t, after time you will turn to something, anything to mask that issue. Drugs, alcohol, violence, or extreme bitterness.
You need to do the work of removing the unresolved issues.
The Lord, by His power, wants to heal your relationships and it starts with healing you from the pain of your past but YOU MUST DO THE WORK!
If not, your shouting matches will turn into far more. He also says to get rid of,
Malice - wickedness with hostility
Can you see the road where this is leading? It’s why two people can stand in front of a minister and pledge their life and all they have to one another and be so deeply in love and in a few short years hate each other and lash out at each other. IT’S BECAUSE OF MANY TIMES, UNRESOLVED ISSUES.
Now, Paul points out one more area that if neglected can hinder our relationships and cause conflict.
CONFLICT HAPPENS WHEN WE
HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT FORGIVENESS
Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
I have to say this every time I do marriage counseling, pre-marital counseling, and such. FORGIVENESS DOES NOT MEAN THE OTHER PERSON DIDN’T DO IT. It means you’ve given up your right to get even!
Unforgiveness is like drinking poison hoping the other person gets sick. YOUR UNFORGIVENESS IS KILLING YOU.
And, this is big, ONCE AN ISSUE IS SETTLED, IT’S OFF LIMITS. The next time, it’s a new issue. Don’t keep dragging up every old issue you’ve ever had and pile on. Your relationship won’t survive that!
Pauls says to be. . .
“Compassionate” - a choice of how to respond
Truth - one of the most compassionate things we can do is to listen to one another
James, the half-brother of Jesus points out the fact that we have 2 ears and 1 mouth when he refers to listening over speaking.
James 1:19 (NIV) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
When it comes to conflict verbally in order to not evaluate, think good words, low and slow. Keep your voice down and the speed at which you say your words as you choose them carefully.
Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
So what’s the answer? Is there a model to follow, a visual that we can wrap our minds around? Yes, there is.
OUR CONFLICT SOLUTION IS TO
Paul walks directly into the answer of resolving conflict and it has to do with a higher power, an authority that is beyond us; God!
Two people in a marriage relationship, or headed into a marriage relationship should view themselves as not only in a relationship with each other but also with God. If we picture a triangle with God at the top and each person at the bottom points, we see that the closer each person gets to God, the closer they get to each other! So the big question is not, how am I treating my spouse, or what changes am I personally making? The real question is, How is your pursuit of God? Are you growing daily to be like Him? Because if you’re not, all the self-help and reformation tactics you make will mean nothing.
IMAGE TRIANGLE WITH GOD AT THE TOP AND EACH PERSON AT THE OTHER POINTS
In Ephesians 5 verse1, with God as the goal Paul teaches us to. . .
LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY LIKE GOD
Ephesians 5:1-2a (NIV) “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love. . .”
Now, I realize you might say, “But I’m not God!” Right, but do you see the little words there, “Follow God’s example”?
God demonstrates love and then expects us to walk in the same way.
This requires a surrender of yourself. A Dying to your self, your pride. To walk in love is literally to let love be the motivation for your living. Not your ego, not your pride, not your possessions.
When your spouse is stressed or struggling and he or she has some issues they are working through with the help of God, can you extend love to them, compassion, and a little sympathy?
Now, that doesn’t mean you allow them to wallow in their issues and enable them not to deal with them. Paul has already commanded that we get rid of those residual issues.
Love means that you will do whatever it takes to see them healthy and whole.
It starts with the surrender of your ways to God’s ways. When God is smiling at how you’re living, even your enemies, your addictions, and hurts take notice.
Solomon said,
Proverbs 16:7 (NIV) When a man's ways please the Lord, he makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
Now, Paul takes it further. First, follow your Heavenly Father’s example, swallow your pride and love deeply, but also. . .
LIVE SACRIFICIALLY JUST LIKE CHRIST
Ephesians 5:2b (NIV) “. . . just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”
Just a few weeks ago, Bryan, Brittany, and I stood on the very road that Jesus walked to the cross, The Via Delarosa. Jesus walked that road for you and for me giving His life sacrificially. Yes, it was to make the ultimate sacrifice for sins and free us from sin's curse, but it was also an act of modeling sacrifice.
Jesus gave up His life. In relationships, there will be some things that you must give up. That’s called sacrifice. There must be a give-and-take in relationships. It cannot always be one way.
If it’s always about you, for you, your way, you’ll never experience the beauty and simplicity of a sacrificial life. The way it can be lived; is in loving relationships, living for a higher calling.
Jesus sacrificed His own life for you. Husbands you’re called to do the same for your wife. Wives, you’re to lay down your agenda for your husband.
“Where does it say that Pastor Tom”? Just keep reading in Ephesians 5 and you’ll come to it! (Ephesians 5:32).
Christ laid down His life for you. The beauty and satisfaction in life is never found in what you get, it’s always found in what you give. When you sacrifice like Him, for those you love amazing things happen. He died so you could live and now He reigns on high.
2 Corinthians 5:21 (NIV) God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
Jesus became “sin” he took it on Himself for you so that you could become “righteous”. It’s the model for godly relationships.
It’s an “I think more of you than I do about myself” mindset. When that is mutual in a marriage, things get crazy good!
When Jesus gives you His righteousness, He also places within you the power of God. His Holy Presence is with you. You’re no longer fighting a battle on your own!
YOU
So how does this affect you today? Can you walk out the same way as when you came in? Will you respond by living and loving like your Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ?
GOSPEL PRESENTATION - death burial and resurrection of Christ, free offer of salvation.
WE
Now, just suppose every married or soon-to-be or want to be married person in this room lived with the idea of following God’s example of love and the example of sacrifice for others.
Marriages would be restored, friendships would be restored. Families would enjoy what makes God not grieve but rejoice.
Next Step - In order to have a healthy relationship, I will seek to personally love like God and live sacrificially like Jesus
