HoHum:
Stacy, MSW, said that she sleeps well. Great, when I was a bereavement coordinator for a hospice in Cincinnati, OH, I did not sleep well. I would go to bed at night and get up the next morning feeling worse than when I laid down. Now, there can be physical complications to sleep. My wife told me that I needed to get a sleep study because she noticed that I was not breathing well in my sleep. I did that and the doctor recommended that I get a CPAP machine to help with the effects of sleep apnea. Did not know that I had sleep apnea. After I got used to the CPAP machine I slept so much better, like night and day. Even so, I still had problems sleeping some nights even with the CPAP machine. I would wake up and think about the conversations I had with those who were bereaved. My heart would go out to them. Through these experiences, I have tried to find self help books that talk about cumulative grief. Often times cumulative grief is mentioned in grief literature but there are few books that talk about it exclusively. (If there is a book, please let me know) I like to engage in bibliotherapy, it seems to help me. More than just reading the Bible, bibliotherapy is the use of books as therapy in the treatment of mental and emotional conditions such as cumulative grief.
WBTU:
As a bereavement coordinator, after the first 3 months from a loved one’s death would always ask, “How are you coping?” They would mention a variety of things but I want to talk about the top 4. By the way, these 4 paths are found in a book called, “Pathfinders” written by Gail Sheehy in 1981 (test of time).
Thesis: Top 4 ways people cope with a loved one’s passing- get in touch with ...
For instances:
1. Get in touch with work
Many say that they went back to their jobs, they got a new job, they found something to keep them busy. Work is good and therapeutic but too much of it can be detrimental, too much can be a form of denial, unwillingness to face grief. Americans define themselves primarily by their work (so, what do you do?). Work provides a shelter from which people can process their problems in activity that is constructive, the product of which quite possibly will make them feel better about themselves. At the age of 33 Julie Walsh’s husband died suddenly in an accident. She poured herself immediately into her teaching, she took any extra assignment or extra curricular activity. Eighteen months after she lost her husband, Julia Walsh’s world fell apart. The physical drain of expending so much energy in an unconscious effort to avoid grieving ultimately caused her to collapse, exhausted. To loose ourselves in our work is beneficial but only to a point. We can put aside our grief and losses and loose ourselves in our tasks. Good but again only to a point.
2. Get in touch with friends, strengthen our support network
Friends are the haven in the wilderness- even more so when a person is struggling for bearings in the face of grief. It is simply too hard to face the losses of life all alone. We need to know that we’ll get by with a little help from our friends. By listening, by caring, by reflecting back words and feelings, friends ratify our better instincts and endorse our unique worth. Friends validate us. On the other hand, friends are time consuming; friend are expected to do things for each other. Friendship can be emotionally demanding; a friend can become co-dependent or let us down. Also, some friends are unable to help us in our grief so we have to make new friends. We need friends going through similar struggles. One man I talked to recently wanted to receive grief support from his church. It did not work and he said it only made things worse. It seems like everyone wants us to get over our grief as fast as we can. Yes, even church people often do not understand. Many grief groups around. Have one here with Blount Memorial that has 6 week series. This is a small group with no more than 12 participants. Attendees have the opportunity to support one another through listening and sharing. Their are grief share groups in local churches. Men often have the hardest time attending these groups. Bereavement counselor James Ellis at St. Elizabeth Healthcare in northern Kentucky showed me 2 grief groups exclusively for men. I sat in a couple of sessions with a group of middle aged widowers who shared about their grief in a small group. Dr. Ellis told me about the other group of older widowers who were ROMEO’s (Retired Older Men Eating Out). They would just get together and eat out. No grief material shared just support and friendship. When I relocated to this area and left the hospice group I was working with for many years, I missed the camaraderie of the team, going through similar experiences. I am glad that you are here for this time of support. Find friends that will support you
3. Get in touch with emotions
I cry and I cry. Lean in to those emotions. Now don’t get so down that think about harming yourself; if so please get help, please tell us. Even so, what soap is for the body, tears are for the soul. Grow up in a climate that desired to be stoic. Stoicism is an ancient philosophy. The way to achieve balance is to deny or suppress emotions. Now this might sound appealing to deny negative emotions but cannot deny negative emotions without denying positive ones. After a while, unable to feel any emotions, and that is denying our humanity. Changed this point a bit, Gail Sheehy said that need to get in touch with humor which I rarely heard from the bereaved. Allen Klein in the healing power of humor says, “The last time you had a good cry you probably felt drained, but you probably felt better. Chances are, you also felt this way after a hearty laugh. Tears and laughter provide a powerful cathartic cleansing. Each is an important mechanism for releasing stress and tension.” 2 most significant losses in my life are full of humor. I cry and then I laugh, I laugh and then I cry.
4. Get in touch with the Divine
Prayer is a powerful tool to help with grief. Often left a hospice patient’s home and got in the car and spent time with my God. “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord” Acts 3:19, NIV. Could not have made it through without prayer during my sleepless nights. Try it, that is what brought me to the Lord. Going through a rough time and my mother encouraged me to turn my cares into prayers. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4, NIV.
