If you could use one word to describe the current state of the world around us, what would it be? Sad? Troubled? Crazy? If you chose the word Peaceful, I may use the word Drunk to describe you! I think we would all agree that the past few years have been a difficult season, and so here’s the word I would choose – CONFLICT. It seems that no matter where you look, conflict is the name of the game. And over time, conflict can wear down even the most joyful people. And the reason for so much conflict, is because mankind, at its core, has been tainted by sin.
We often hear about counselors helping people in terms of conflict resolution. But this morning, I want to make the case that we don’t need RESOLUTION, where we come to agreement about a set of facts, we need a REVOLUTION where we come to the place that we have an entirely different perspective when it comes to conflict, Amen?
Turn with me this morning to James 4 If you’re not familiar with this James character in the Bible, here are some fun facts. James was a real historical person who was the little brother of Jesus. And despite having an up-close-and-personal relationship with the historical Jesus, church history tells us that James didn’t call himself a Christian until AFTER Jesus was crucified and rose again. And now, about 15 years have passed and James is now the pastor of a growing church in the city of Jerusalem.
And guess what…all the way back, nearly 2000 years ago, James looked around his church and asked, “Why is there so much fighting? And why in the world do some people’s lives seem to be magnets for conflict?” And so, maybe borrowing from some of the ways that he had seen Jesus address conflict, James decides it was time for a Conflict Revolution within the walls of his very own church, and this is the message he preached.
James 4:1-6
What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. 5 Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, “He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us”? 6 But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
One of the beauties of biblical truth is that it will hold up to any context, in any culture, at any point in time. And that means that we don’t have to know exactly what type of conflict that James was specifically addressing. Was it marital conflict? Was it relational conflict among members? Was it conflict between parents and their children or between bosses and employees? It was probably D…all of the above. And so this morning, in whatever context we’re experiencing conflict, Pastor James wants us to see conflict differently. And the first thing he wants to do is to give us the tools…
1. VIEW CONFLICT REDEMPTIVELY – vs. 1-3
Now that seems like an odd statement, because redeeming something is generally viewed as positive while conflicts are generally viewed as negative. But James is telling us that conflict is actually an opportunity. Now when you hear “conflict is an opportunity” you might be thinking “yeah, an opportunity to hide a body.” But let me tell you how it really IS an opportunity. Conflict draws out of us something that is often ugly. In fact, the ugliness that it draws out is probably a good representation of what is truly in our hearts. But in that moment, when God exposes our true self, we should see this as an opportunity, not to destroy the other person, but to redemptively realign our hearts with God’s. After all, James lets us know that the issue at the heart of conflict, is not really THE issue. The issue at hand is simply the overflow of where the REAL issue lies – in the affections of the heart.
Look with me at verse 1: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?” Notice that James doesn’t even deal with external circumstances. The relational conflict you’re experiencing is not because of the way someone said something to you, or because someone didn’t give you something you thought you deserved. James says it’s because your passions are at war within YOU…there’s no mention of the other party.
Don’t ever be deceived into thinking that whatever you’re fighting about is the true issue. James clearly says in verse 1 that the problem is on the inside. There is a battle on the outside because there is a war on the inside. When counseling people that are involved in conflict, they each will usually spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to get the other person or the counselor to agree to their viewpoint on the external circumstances…because they want to be right more than they want to be reconciled. They want to justify their sinful anger and unforgiveness. But all that jockeying for leverage does not negate the truth of verse one—that the reason I’m experiencing conflict is because my heart is not getting something it wants, or thinks it deserves.
Now is it wrong to want something out of my relationships? Is wrong to want to be loved? Is it wrong to want to be respected? Is it wrong to desire peace? Absolutely not. These are things that we ALL undoubtedly desire. So what’s the problem? The problem is when my desires (we could even call them “righteous” desires) grow into self-centered demands.
There’s a pattern of how this happens that we have actually taught before, and since we learn by repetition, let me share it with you again…here’s the formula: Desire --> Demand --> Punish. Let me say that again. Now repeat it with me. And where do we see this? Look again at verse 2: “You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel.”
Now if you’re anything like me, you’re probably slow to admit that you’re being demanding. But look at the progression here. It all starts with a desire, but slowly that God-given desire grows into a demand…which we then call an idol. And an idol is anything I want more than I want God…to the point that I am willing to sin against the other person by punishing them through sinful anger or, emotionally shutting them out.
Let me make this as simple as possible. The clearest indicator that a desire has grown into a demand is the presence of punishment. I want to punish you through harsh words OR by just shutting down and ignoring you because my demands have not been met. Let me give you some specific examples:
• Comfort – I desire comfort --> I deserve comfort --> I MUST have some rest and relaxation…and you’d better not hinder my ability to get it
• Approval – I desire approval --> I deserve approval --> I MUST have your approval…and you’d better give it to me
• Control – I desire to lead --> I deserve to be in charge --> I must have control…and will do (or SAY) anything to have it
Now you might be able to think of other things to add to this list, but my guess is that if we paused right here and thought back to the last time you had conflict with someone, you would probably find that the real heart issue would land in one of these four categories (comfort, approval, or control). If you’re listening, say Amen. No other human being can consistently provide these things for you…not even your spouse.
I’ve heard it taught that conflict is really the result of an identity issue. Because when I don’t understand who I am in Christ, I often look to external relationships to provide these things that I think will make me satisfied (comfort, approval, success, etc.). But here’s a newsflash – even your best friend in the world makes a crummy savior…because Jesus is the only one that can truly make your heart satisfied.
If you’ve come here for any length of time, then you have probably heard us teach that God designed your life to be lived out in the context of relationships. Because relationships (and even the conflict that we experience in those relationships) draw out of us what really lurks in the dark recesses of our hearts. And prior to the conflict, we either A) did not know it was there; B) knew it was there but was satisfied with trying to manage it. But you cannot manage a spiritual problem. You cannot tame sin. It always tames you. That’s why the late John Owen said, “Be killing sin or it will be killing you.”
The main issue in conflict is NOT you, it’s me. And the things that I’m demanding from you are really idols, in that my heart has believed the lie that something YOU give me will satisfy ME more than Jesus. But once you begin to see conflict as an opportunity to weed out and redeem the ugliness in your OWN heart, a Conflict Revolution will begin to take place…because you’ll no longer be expecting your spouse or friend or co-worker to be a functional savior by asking them to produce for you what they have no power to produce—which is a satisfied heart.
Well, James wants this all to be more than just theoretical, he wants to be very practical, and so he actually gives us some warning lights on the dash so that we can know when to…
2. CHECK UNDER THE HOOD – vs 1-4
Since I have an older car with a lot of miles, nearly 250K to be exact, I often have to deal with a pesky check engine light…it’s just the reality of driving an old (but paid for) car. This week, one of our pastors told me about a “Check Engine Light Repair Kit” that he saw advertised recently…and the joke was that it was simply a roll of black electrical tape with the instructions, “When check engine light appears, tear off one inch of black tape and apply on dash over light.” Problem solved.
Now while this seems quite absurd, my guess is that there’s probably more than one person in the room this morning that’s ignoring a check engine light on your dash. Why? Because it’s annoying…and the car seems to be running just fine. But James is saying that if I don’t recognize the desires that war inside of me, they are going to produce sinful results. In fact, he says, the check engine light is NOT the problem here – it’s just alerting us to the real problem that’s under the hood…a problem that we shouldn’t ignore.
We probably don’t have to spend a lot of time here, but let’s run through these potential warning lights that James gives us.
• Lust – vs. 1-2
Look back at verse 1: “What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you”? The first Bible I ever owned was an old King James Bible filled with thees and thous. And in the old King’s English, they used the word “lust” where our modern Bible uses the word “passions.” And here’s why I like the use of the word lust better – my passions or desires CAN be a good thing. But lust is when something good has been twisted by sin. Lust is where a God-given desire, often thought of in terms of physical intimacy, turns into an insatiable beast that consumes us and destroys everything in its path. And so we HAVE to recognize when these desires, these GOOD things, begin to grow to such a point that I’m willing to sin in order to get something.
• Self-reliance – vs. 2
At the end of verse 2 he says, “you do not have because you do not ask” and he’s describing prayerlessness. Prayerlessness is basically coming to the place where I think I have all the answers or can fix things myself (we call this pride). And so verse 2 says that I’m ripe for conflict when I am guilty of self-reliance as evidenced by a habitual lack of prayer.
• Selfish motives – vs. 3
“3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.” In other words, when we DO come to God in prayer, we don’t ask for the things that would bring him glory, but rather for things that will please US and make US happy. My desires become the center of my prayers. I come to God with a list asking him to sign on the bottom, rather than handing him a blank sheet and trusting him to fill it out as he sees fit (Paul Tripp, New Morning Mercies).
• Worldliness – vs. 4
How many of you have ever heard an angry sermon on worldliness in a Baptist Church that was accompanied by a very specific list of examples of worldliness? For me growing up, it was sex, drugs, and rock and roll…and the most grievous display of worldliness? Dancing. In fact, growing up in a conservative Baptist church, we were very opposed to drinking because of a consuming fear that it may lead to dancing, Amen?
Now, let’s be clear, God IS against worldliness (I’m just not sure that what’s on our list of examples lines up with God’s list as revealed in Scripture). But even though we often miss the mark on application, the principle is clear – look at verse 4: “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”
When James says that “friendship with the world is enmity with God,” he’s not saying that we’re NOT supposed to be winsome and generally likeable with our neighbors, he’s actually warning us to not value the things that the world values. And so one of the warning lights this morning that should cause us to check under the hood is if we’re valuing (or consumed with) the things that the world values (things like fame, fortune, climbing the ladder of success and achievement, etc., etc.).
James concludes this list of warning signs with the statement in verse 5 that God “yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us.” Here’s what this means—real conflict is not between two people, it’s between the idol in my adulterous, murderous, lustful heart, and God. And when we finally begin to understand this, only then will it lead to a Conflict Revolution.
Well, James isn’t done. Now that we’ve checked under the hood for the real source of conflict, he gives us an entire list of what to do next. Listen to the following verses.
James 4:7-10
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
Here’s James’ final point…
3. PURSUE PEACE MAKING WITH GREAT EFFORT – vs. 7-10
I once heard someone say that there are only three kinds of people when it comes to conflict: Peace-fakers, Peace-breakers, and Peace-makers. Peace-fakers avoid conflict at all costs and often bury it…even if it’s something that’s still alive. Peace-breakers are prideful and power up. If they don’t get their way, they blow up. But Peace-makers see conflict, not as an accident, but as an assignment to redeem the ugly things in their hearts. So James leads us with the action steps that lead us to the pathway to get grace flowing through my life.
SIX STEPS OUT OF THIS SELFISH CYCLE OF PERSONAL CONFLICT
1. Submit to God (vs 7). The first step is simply acknowledging God’s rightful place in your life. Or to say it another way— “stop resisting.” Having learned that conflict is coming from the things WE desire for ourselves, James seems to be asking, “Have you ever considered what God wants?” And so we embrace a posture of a willing heart under his rule.
2. Resist the devil (vs 7). Satan doesn’t want you to ask yourself what God desires…he wants you to stay focused on your own lustful passions. James says that we need to realize that this is a real spiritual battle, and we can’t sit back and pretend that conflict is no big deal.
3. Draw near to God (vs 8). This word, and how it used, has an Old Testament worship context. Prayer, worship, and reading the Scriptures are all part of the context here. Central to the strategy of experiencing a Conflict Revolution is a regular reminder of what God is like…it’s regularly engaging in corporate worship. [Share STATS on “Regular Attender”] Drawing near to God in corporate worship should at least be a weekly exercise. We gather because, more than anything else, we need God. And notice the promise! As we draw near to him, he draws near to us.
4. Reflect (vs 8). In verse 8, we find phrases like “cleanse your hands” and “purify your hearts.” These were the kinds of activities in the Old Testament which were part of the preparation for priests when they would meet God on behalf of the people. And so the challenge to “cleanse your hands” means that we ask ourselves, “What outward behavior needs to stop?” And the challenge to “purify your hearts” means that we that we look inwardly at what attitudes need to change. And so reflection involves confession.
5. Be wretched, mourn, and weep (vs 9). James turns the tables on our natural penchant for laughter and light-heartedness and calls for a moment where we are to “be wretched,” which means expressing sorrow for what we’ve become. To mourn, to weep, and to turn laughter and joy into mourning and gloom is not an encouragement for us to be depressed. Instead, it’s a moment for us to mourn how easily it is for us to let our own evil desires spill out of our hearts and destroy lives (both yours AND mine).
6. Humble yourself (vs 10). This is not only the last step, it’s also a summary of everything in this passage. We said earlier that self-reliance is a pride issue. But the hope in this passage is that those who admit that they’re wrong, ask for forgiveness, and acknowledge their need for help, are the very ones whom God exalts.
Let’s wrap things up this morning by quickly looking back at verse 6: “But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’”
Who does he give grace to? Those that humble themselves. And what kind of grace is it? It’s called empowering grace…the kind of supernatural grace that you need to battle against the lies that your heart believes about what can bring you true satisfaction. But friends, let me tell you this morning, you will never experience God’s empowering grace until you first experience his saving grace.
You need to know that no other system of religious thought, past or present, contains an emphasis on divine grace comparable to what you’ll find in the Bible. But this grace only comes to us through a relationship with Jesus Christ, the son of God, who died for our sins. The Apostle Paul reminds us in Romans 3 that:
“23 all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus…”
Are you tired of conflict? I know I am. And sadly, conflict will never be eliminated on this side of eternity. In fact, did you know that the entire story of the Bible is a story of conflict—God is a loving Father who is waging war against sin and darkness. But the good news is that Christ has entered the battle on your behalf. And with Christ as the center of your life, you have a Savior who fights for you – no matter who stands against you. So the most important question today is simply this – do you know him…or do you just know ABOUT him?
