Above All: Colossians 3:18-4:1
It Starts in the Home
Pastor Jefferson M. Williams
Chenoa Baptist Church
7-31-2022
Cinderella
A little girl watched the Disney classic, “Cinderella” for the first time and was excited to tell her Grandmother about it the next day. She told her all about the wicked stepmother, and the prince, and the glass slipper. She asked her grammy if she remembered how it ended. She said, “Of course dear, Cinderella and the prince lived happily ever after.” The little girl shook her head and said, “Oh no they didn’t. They got married!”
This little girl’s response seems more and more the prevailing attitude in our culture about marriage and the family. But God had set the pattern and has given us instructions about how to live out this new life in Christ in the hardest place of all - the home.
Paul is making the point in Colossians 3 that we have taken off the clothes of the old nature and now we are to put on the clothes of the new nature. People should be able to tell by our behavior that we are different and follow Jesus.
Yesterday we went to Gordon Ramsay’s Burgers in Chicago yesterday. Gordon wasn’t there (or was he?) but everything they do there represents the excellence that Gordon expects and his reputation demands.
Review
Paul begins with the fact that since we have died with Christ, have been raised with Christ, are hidden in Christ, and will appear with Him in glory, we should set our hearts/affections and minds/wills on things that are above.
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.”
He then gives two lists of behaviors that we are to put to death or take off. The first list consists of sins of desires: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed and the second the sins associated with our words: rage, anger, malice, slander, filthy language, and lying to one other.
This is not just about individual sanctification. He makes it clear that this is about being a new creation, the Body of Christ, which Jesus is the head. And in Christ, we are one body. The racial, religious, social, and cultural distinctions no longer matter. In this new body:
“Here there is no Gentile or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.” (Col 3:9-11)
He then tells the Colossians how to live out this new found unity corporately in the Church by putting on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and love.
This patience and love is exhibited by bearing with one another and by forgiving one another just as Christ has forgiven us.
He calls us to let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts and the Word of God dwell richly. He encourages the church, not just the pastor, to teach and admonish each other by worshipping God with thanksgiving.
Then he ends this section with one of my favorite Bible verses:
“And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” (Col 3:17)
This emphasizes again that Paul isn’t interested in having us follow a bunch of rules. He gives a principle. When you are confused about whether or not you could or should do something, you can simply ask, “Can I do this in the name of the Lord Jesus?”
Paul has focused on how God grows us individually and how God grows us corporately. He will now turn to meddling and give instructions on how to live this out among our families in our homes.
If you missed any of these sermons, you can watch them on demand on our Facebook, Twitter, or our website.
Turn to Colossians 3:18.
Prayer
Household Codes
The family was seen as a foundational part of a well ordered Greco-Roman society. Many philosophers had proposed household codes to help the home run smoother and thrive.
Paul follows suit but the instructions he gives are very different from that of Aristotle, Pliny, or even Josephus. He gives distinctly Christian directives for three pairs of relationships - wives/husbands (marriage), parent/children, and slaves/and masters.
If we had more time, I would take each of these a Sunday at a time. We will look at the wife/husbands and parent/child today and next week will talk about slavery and how to work for the Lord.
The main theme of these verses is the Lordship of Christ. As we live under the Lordship of Christ, our relationships are transformed and others will be able to see a difference in us.
These instructions provoke a firestorm whenever they are preached. But if you just listen to what the Word says, the formula for a well order, thriving home is given in order to help us live in freedom and joy.
Submit?
Paul begins this section with the wives. Remember that this is a letter that was read out loud to the congregation in Colossae. I’m sure many of the men starting nodding when this sentence was read:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” (Col 3:18)
In that culture, women were often illiterate and dependent on men for their survival. The man was the only person in the family with legal rights and had absolute authority over the family, which would often include wife, children, slaves, servants, grown children and their families, and in-laws.
The word “submit” causes women in this culture to bristle and accuse Paul of being hating women and perpetuating a patriarchal society.
There’s an episode of All in Family in which Edith tries something different and makes Archie a soufflé. He refuses to eat it and demands Edith cook him eggs and bacon. As she dumps the soufflé in the trash, her daughter Gloria says, “Obey your Master, mom” sarcastically. Archie turns to her says, “I like the sound of that!”
It’s important to understand what Paul was saying and what he wasn’t saying.
The word submit is borrowed from the military. It means to be under the rank of someone else. This is a voluntary action not because he deserves it but because that is the God appointed order of marriage.
Paul elaborates in Ephesians, stating that marriage is a word picture of the church and Jesus:
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” (Eph 5:22-24)
Notice that Paul does not command wives to obey their husbands. He had made it clear that women and men are equal in Christ and they are both fellow heirs of the promise of salvation.
That’s why he adds “as is fitting to the Lord.” This does not mean that the wife is a doormat. This does not mean that she submits to all men, just her husband. If the husband wants her to do something that is illegal or immoral, she has every right to say no. If the husband is abusive, the wife is not called to “deal with it” but bring the leaders of the church into the situation and seek safety.
What are some ways to not be submissive according to Paul Apple:
You always have to have the last word
Disrespect your husband publicly
“I told you so” attitude when things don’t go right
To submit means to trust your husband as the leader of your home. Pastor Mike Fabarez gives four ways you can do that:
Seek His leadership. Instead of ignoring what he has to say, ask him.
Do not usurp his leadership. Eve ate the fruit without any consideration of Adam.
None of us like authority. It’s built into our American DNA. But, that impulse goes all the way back to the garden. Part of Eve’s curse is that she would wouldn’t trust Adam’s leadership.
“Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” (Gen 3:16)
Follow his leadership. Some of you may say, “You don’t know my husband. He’s a moron!” You are still called to follow his leadership. You would be surprised how some husbands respond when their wives respect them and are willing to follow their lead.
Respect his leadership. Your children are watching you as you interact with your husband.
What if your husband isn’t a believer? Peter takes this on in his first letter:
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” (I Peter 3:1-2)
Marriage, (one man plus one woman for life) was instituted by God (Gen 2), affirmed by Jesus in Matthew, and fleshed out by Paul and Peter.
So far, everyone in the church would have been okay with Paul’s words. But he’s about to change all that.
Love?
“Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.” (Colossians 3:19)
In that culture, marriage was not about love. It was most often about family alliances and producing legitimate heirs.
This command is found in no other household codes outside the Bible.
I can just imagine the men in the room looking at each other and the women all nodding their heads.
Yes, women are called to voluntarily submit to their husbands. But, guys, we need to be the kind of men that they want to submit to. And that begins with love.
The word Paul uses is agape - a self-giving, sacrificial love modeled after Jesus Himself.
In Ephesians, he uses the same word to describe a husband’s love for his wife and Christ’s love for the Church:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. (Eph 5:25-27)
The Old Puritan pastor Matthew Henry wrote:
“The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”
Peter wrote to husbands that a lack of love for our wives can actually block our prayers:
“Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.” (I Peter 3:7)
Before you get upset about the “weaker partner” phrase - this simply means that we should treat our wives like we would very expensive china.
As men, this is a daunting task. If you were able to clone yourself, would you want to submit to you?
Here is a few ways that we can fail at this;
1. Not communicating fully with her
2. Insensitive to the emotional nature of the wife and the different way in which she responds to problems and situations
3. Taking her for granted
We need to lead with commitment. I recently saw a Tik Tok in which a woman says, “Marriage is like pancakes. It’s always okay to throw out the first one.”
When Cortez reached the new world, he gave his first order - burn the ships! There was no going back.
When Maxine and I got married, I was 24 going on 17 and she was 24 going on 40. Needless to say, our first years were rocky. There were several times we could have just decided to go our separate ways. But we both understand the vows we made to God and the promises we made to each other. So we worked hard to make our marriage better. And 30 years later, we are both so thankful that we didn’t give up.
Steven Curtis Chapman, the Christian artist, wrote a song called, “I Will be Here” after finding out that his parents were getting a divorce.
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand, and have no fear
Cause I, I will be here
I will be here when you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen and
I will be here when the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and tryin'
We'll be together 'cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the future is unclear
I I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetime's are made for years
So, I I will be here
I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder,
When the mirror tells us we're older,
I will hold you and
I will be here to watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me
I will be here
It means honoring your commitment to the very end and laying the other one into the arms of Jesus, which many of you have done.
We need to lead with time and attention. When I was seminary, we had a Friday night study group. My friend Bill never attended. Friday night was date night and he was willing to take the chance of making a B because he valued Susan more than a grade. Sadly, I didn’t follow his lead.
We need to lead with gentleness. Paul adds, “and do not be harsh with them.”
This word harsh is a word for something that tastes bitter. We are to love our wives with an attitude of compassion, kindness, gentleness, humility, patience, encouragement and love. If we can’t do it with the one’s we are closest to, that chance do we have have showing the world our love for Jesus?
We usually take for granted those closest to us.
Robert Leslie Holmes tells this story:
A man accompanied his friend home for dinner and was impressed by the way he entered his house, asked his wife how her day went, and told her she looked pretty. Then, after they embraced, she served dinner. After they ate, the husband complimented his wife on the meal and thanked her for it. When the two fellows were alone, the visitor asked, "Why do you treat your wife so well?" "Because she deserves it, and it makes our marriage happier," replied the host.
Impressed, the visitor decided to adopt the idea. Arriving home, he embraced his wife and said, "You look wonderful!" For good measure he added, "Sweetheart, I’m the luckiest guy in the world." His wife burst into tears. Bewildered, he asked her, "What in the world’s the matter?" She wept, "What a day! Billy fought at school. The refrigerator quit and spoiled the groceries. And now you’ve come home drunk!"
This was revolutionary in Paul’s day and even our own.
I remember a woman being interviewed outside of a Promise Keeper event. She was ranting about how terrible PK was and that it demeaned women with talk of submission. Another women who was there stepped in the conversation and said, “If your husband loved you the way my husband loves me, you wouldn’t hesitate to trust his leadership.”
In Emerson Eggerichs classic marriage book, “Love and Respect,” he makes the case that women need love and men need respect:
“When a husband feels disrespected, it is especially hard to love his wife. When a wife feels unloved, it is especially hard to respect her husband.”
But this is really where the rubber mets the road in our submitting to the Lordship of Christ in our marriages:
“Ultimately, you practice love or respect because beyond your spouse you see Jesus Christ and you envision a moment when you will be standing before Him at the final judgment, realizing that your marriage was really a tool and a test to deepen and demonstrate your love and your reverence for your Lord.”
Tony Evans tells the story of his parents. His father became a Christian and his mother would mock him endlessly about his faith. He never retaliated. He got up at 4:30 am every morning and went downstairs and prayed for his wife to come to faith, another thing she made fun of him for. He loved her well, even when she didn’t return the love.
One morning, while we was on his knees interceding for his wife, he felt a hand on his knee. She had slipped down and had been sitting beside him as he prayed. She joined him on her knees and and said, “Whatever you have, I want!”
I wish we could spend three more weeks just on these two verses but we need to move on to the second pair - children/parents.
Teach Your Children Well
“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” (Col 3:20)
Now, it was the kids turn to be amazed. I’m sure they weren’t exactly excited about the command that Paul gives but the fact that they are addressed at all is miraculous.
Children were considered property not people.
But Paul addresses them as morally responsible human beings capable of making choices. Again, this was revolutionary.
Notice that Paul assumes that there will be parents plural - a mom and a dad. No matter how much the culture wants to say that the nuclear family is dangerous to society, research consistently shows that children fair better with both parents in the house.
Unlike wives, children are called to “obey.” This is written to children still in the home. As older children, we still have the responsibility to honor our parents but not obey them.
In Ephesians, Paul addresses the children as well and gives them rationale behind their obedience:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” (Eph 6:1-3)
Paul writes that their obedience pleases the Lord. The “in everything” obviously has some exceptions. Children are not required to obey parents if they are commanding them to do something wrong.
This is difficult for children because they are born with a sin nature that naturally wants their own way.
One little boy was sent to time out and was sitting in the chair sulking when the parent heard him say, “I might be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside!”
I found a list of toddler’s rules:
If I want it, it’s mine
If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.
If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it must never every appear to be yours in any way.
We are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks like mine, it’s mine
If I think it’s mine, it’s mine
If I give it to and change my mind later, it’s mine
Once it’s mine it will never belong to anyone else, no matter what
Children must learn to obey their parents because if they don’t learn to obey them they will struggle to obey other authority figures as they grow up.
Recently, I saw a video of a little boy, probably no more than three years old and a police officer was trying to ask him a question. The little boy kicked the police officer and then started cussing him out. That little guy is going to have a long hard road ahead of him.
Backtalk, partial obedience, rebelliousness, sneaking around can all be ways of disobeying.
All the parents were probably nodding at their children. But then Paul dropped another bomb.
It’s on You Dad
“Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” (Col 3:21)
In a Roman household, they followed Patria Potestas - “the power of the father.” The father could discipline their children in any manner they wanted to, including killing them.
In Ephesians, Paul makes it clear that father’s are to discipline and disciple their children in love:
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph 6:4)
As fathers, we are to disciple our children. In the Shema, something that Jewish men repeated twice a day, it commands:
“These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Duet 6:6-7)
In order to disciple and teach them, we must spend time with them. One recent study, showed that father’s spent 37 second with their children each day.
What about children whose fathers are not in the house? That’s where we come in. As a man, we should always be available to single mothers to help disciple their children.
We are also to discipline them. Solomon wrote:
Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. (Proverbs 19:18).
Many parents go to extremes. They are either too lax with their children or too harsh. Here are something to remember when discipling children:
It should consistent, age appropriate, done out of love not anger, child specific, and founded on the relationship you have built with them.
What if you are empty nesters and your children are grown? There are families right now, in the midst of trying to raise children that would really appreciate your help!
I failed many times with my children growing up. I can remember standing at Josh’s door arguing with him and Maxine yelling from the other room, “Do not exasperate your children!”
How do we embitter, or exasperate them? By being impossible to please. By being aloof and not giving encouragement. By being inconsistent and hypocritical. By showing favoritism. By ignoring them. By giving them everything. By calling them names.
Paul actually writes that this kind of attitude can cause them to lose heart.
There are two ways to break a horse. One is following a series of steps to get them used to the saddle, bit and bridal. The other is to hit their legs with a 2x4. They may be broken physically but their spirit is also broken. They may obey but they are never the same.
If a child lives with criticism
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance
He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement
He learns confidence.
If I child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.
If I child lives with fairness
He learns justice
If a chid lives with security
He learns to have faith
If a child lives with approval
He learns to like himself,
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship
He learns to find love in the world.
Jessica Jackley, the founder of Kiva, an organization that gives micro loans to people in poverty, was asked what gave her the ability to believe that she could change the world. She said, “I grew up with parents that constantly told me that I could change the world. One day, I just started believing them!”
One of the best ways we can encourage our children is to love our spouses for the long haul.
Ruth Harms Calkins wrote this poem to describe marriage:
It’s rough. It’s tough. It’s work.
Anyone who says it isn’t
Has never been married.
Marriage has far bigger problems
Than toothpaste squeezed
From the middle of the tube.
Marriage means…
Grappling, aching, struggling,
It means putting up
With personality weaknesses
Accepting criticism
And giving each other freedom to fail.
It means sharing deep feelings
About fear and rejection.
It means turning self-pity into laughter
And talking a walk to gain control.
Marriage means…
Gentleness and joy
Toughness and fortitude
Fairness and forgivnessness
And a walloping amount of sacrifice.
Marriage means…
Learning when to say nothing
When to keep talking
When to push a little
When to back off
It means acknowledging
“I can’t be God to you -
I need Him too.”
Marriage means…
You are the other part of me
I am the other part of you.
We’ll work through
With never a thought of walking out.
Marriage means…
Two imperfect mates
Building permanently
Giving totally
In partnership with a perfect God,
Marriage, my love, means us!
Ending Video: Dancing in the Minefields by Andrew Peterson
